My Christmas Letter

>> Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Dear God,

My name is Cameron, I know you know me, I live at ____ right next to ___________. Perhaps you've looked down and seen me? This Christmas season I have perpared a list of things that I would like; feel free to give me that which is just and deserved.

1. A passion for something, anything. I'm not particular, I just want a reason tto make me anxious to arise in the morning.
2. A realization that there is a world outside of my own head; and a willingness to care for those who share it with me.
3. A best friend. Someone who calls me up if they didn't talk to me the day before because they missed me.
4. Someone to whom I can't wait to talk to every day, hopefully the same as the person in #3.
5. The strength of will to do what is difficult-or undesireable, but right.
6. A job that I enjoy, with a group of people that make me want to be a better person.
7. To feel good about using my temple recommend and all that is entailed in that.
8. To like myself.
9. A knowledge of what I should do with my life and how I should get there.

I appologize if these are somewhat related and are difficult to resolve without giving me everything else on the list. I guess that's just my way of making sure you give me everything on the list. I hope you and your family are well this Christmas season, and that I shall be able to talk with you again before next Christmas, say hello to everyone for me.

-Cameron

p.s. I thought of a 10th, please forgive me.

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Chivalry And Christmas

First: chivalry. I am quite fond of it, but not the type that people do these days so much, I'll hold a door open for someone if it is more convenient for me to do so. (The one, rather strange exception to this is letting girls into my car...I always open their doors for them while getting in, I suspect it has something to do with inspecting the car to make sure there are no men hiding in there in an attempt to rape/kill them.)

That said; Christmas. I suspect the reason I have no attachment to Christmas is that I have no general attachment to symbols. I just don't care about them. If I want to do something nice for someone, I'll do it I don't care if it's their birthday, secretary day, weekday or holiday. I don't see a need for a day set apart to be particularly nice to people. Shouldn't we be nice to people every day?

I suspect this lack of reverence to symbols is one of my failings in life. I have no symbols I respect. Power, influence, wealth, religion, etc. I do not care for these things, I do not imbue them with any power over me because they are things which receive not but the causitory response. This lack of power-given objects causes my life to be one with little or no direction. When there is nothing in life that is of greater worth than anything else all that can be sought after is comfort, ease or constancy. But even those things are not really sought, but rather the natural result of doing nothing but what is absolutely needed to maintain life.

Why care about life when there is no vitalizing power in it. My favorite movies are things like Gattaca, Rudy and October Sky. Why? Because they all have characters in them which posses the one thing I lack: desire. "O god, I could be bound in a nut-shell and count myself king of infinite-space, were it not that I have bad dreams."

-Cameron

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Two Weeks Notice

>> Saturday, December 24, 2005

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've been thinking about the things that I need to do with my life, and how exactly I'm going to accomplish them. I've come to a few conclusions:

1. I cannot do all the things I want to do and still have a happy fulfilling life.
2. I cannot continue to do what I want to do or else I will never do what I need to do.
3. God has waited long enough, and I need to stop stalling.
4. I do not have the funds to make it through next semester without a job.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that I'm going to have to take some steps.

First, a breakdown of what I do with my time: Blog, BB, and C-Gaming; School; Church; Work; Social life-dating, hanging out with 'the guys.' In that list only the first category can go, and since it takes up the majority of my time as is...it's going to have to go. To that end, I am officially turning in my two weeks notice. Two weeks from today, on January the 6th, my blog will be erased. My BB account will be erased and I my Video games will be either returned to my home where they will be brought out on special occasions or sold.

Second, this has been solved by fixing #1.

Third, Part of #2, the time spent Blogging/BBing will now be spent doing homework and reading the scriptures; and if I get really ambitious...praying.

Four, I will get a job, hopefully an AM janitorial position, this will cause me to keep a regular schedule. I need this.

To quote, "I want to do great things, I just don't want to do them alone." If I continue down the path I am currently treading it will only lead to loneliness and despair. My only hope of salvaging something from my life is to stand and fight against the forces that are slowly sucking away my will to live outside of the four walls that are the edges of my computer screen. I will continue to write, I will continue to read a few blogs (read: My roomies and possibly girls to whom I am attracted) I will not post here. I will go to all three hours of church. I will go on a date every other week. I will stop my self-depreciating habits and begin to look for things that will benefit those around me. I will volunteer somewhere, hopefully somewhere that I can read to little children.

This is harder than I thought it would be to write...but I've always said no secrets, so... I will begin going to counseling again. I will attempt to have emotional attachment to people. I will do all of my school work early or on time. I will miss you all. I will never forget you. I will continue to write...but it will probably be on my story, instead of on here.

I will pray.

I will mean what I pray.

I will cry.

Thanks to everyone who gave so much to me here, I'm sorry I have to leave...but I hope you will understand.

-Asmond
(Cameron Boyce)

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White -> Black

>> Tuesday, December 20, 2005

It has come to my attention that I am: not as smart as I think I am, not as dilligent as I need to be, and nowhere near as good as I want to be. This realization comes with another, I have been identified as a white, but something Katya said made me think. You see, I don't test white. I test the way I want to test. What does that mean? I think I'm turning black.

Bah, stop your muttering, I'm not concerned with what you think I am. I know me, I know the reasons I do things, and I'm telling you, I don't care for anyone but myself. Sure I do nice things for others, mostly because I want to feel good inside. But the problem is there isn't anything left inside to feel. So I strive for some sort of passion--some release from the tyrany of emptiness--that will fill up the void within me; and nothing works.

Today I met a girl whom I thought I could enjoy spending more time with. The problem is I don't trust myself in a relationship. Not after Sunday. Not after that. I wonder if this is a multitude of little marbles, or just one, or even none at all. Perhaps it's time for me to go back and share. The only question I have is what should I share? I am an open person, I will tell you about me if you ask(it might take a few times asking...but it'll come) I just don't open up to people.

I'm begining to think it's because there is nothing left to open up.

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The Value of a Life

>> Wednesday, December 07, 2005

I took a test today, you know one of those stupid ones about what kind of person you are. One of the question, "Would you rather die, or let 10 random other people in the world die?" "A thousand?" I put yes, I'd die so that 10 or 1,000 others could live. But then I thought about it. How much am I worth?

Being someone who understands that the Gospel has been restored someone who can influence others to follow that path, is my life of more value than ten people who don't believe? Who don't follow? Ten murders? Ten children? Ten old men with one foot in the grave as it is? How much am I worth?

How much good is there to be gained by allowing them to pass onto the next world and allow me to stay here and preach the gospel to those who are also left to learn. Which is more important? Which choice should be made, yourself with all the flaws, and frailties, all the strengths and faiths; or the nameless masses? What happens when those ten become faces? When it's Renee the gentleman I baptized in my last area? When it's my sister? My child? My friend? My wife? How much does God value my life? How much repentance do I need to do to repay all the lost moments of my life where I forgot to be the brother, the saint I should have been?

I'm in a hurry to get things done. But it's all for me, I never look around and ponder, what can I do for my brother, whom I worry about. Or my sister who I can see walking the same dark steps I walked. Is it better that one man should LIVE than that a nation should dwindle in unbelief?

-Asmond

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Late night stories

Just something I wrote, and the quote that inspired it:

"Kids like Henry need a hero--courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us, everybody loves a hero. People line up for them, cheer them, scream their names, and years later they’ll tell how they stood in the rain for hours, just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them to hold on, just a second longer. I believe there is a hero in all of us that gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride. Even though sometimes we have to be steady and give up the thing we want the most, even our dreams. Spiderman did that for Henry. He wonder’s where he’s gone, he needs him."



“Take a seat, I hope you don’t mind waiting while I prepare some hot chocolate, it’s cold out tonight. It’s a cold season and I need the warmth. Please, sit, I won’t be but a moment. Here, have a mug, its not just these old bones what are cold on a night like this. Hear that; the wind, howling past the chimneys? It’s night like tonight that make an old man gather kin around and tell stories of time long past. Well, I don’t have any kin, so you’ll have to do.
“What would you like to hear? I’ve been around a long time, I’ve been in the thick of many things, some what seemed small at the time but which have been made great over the years. You see, life’s made up of small things that become great. You think that Washington living through it thought the war great? Perhaps, perhaps you sometimes get a glimpse—like Washington on the Potomac—that you are about great things. But still, the wind bit just the same.
“So, what will it be?
“Ahh, so you know a little about Luke do you? My grade school mate he was, a good man. You’d like to hear his story? Very well, sit down and make yourself comfortable it’ll be a long spell this weather and shut us in through the night and this is the perfect night for such a story.”
The old man sits, staring into his mug, before saying softly, “You’ll be knowing about Luke then. He was different, a tad different from the rest of us. You see, Luke wasn’t the smartest; he wasn’t the fastest or the strongest even. But he was a good man, the kind of man people like to be around. He made you feel important just by listening to you. There was something about him, an air perhaps he sensed in himself the power that was beginning to take shape. He always used to smile as we would fantasize about becoming great men in the world.”
“Would say, “Braden, I don’t think heroes care too much for their own adventures, they just do what needs to be done.” Oh yes, he said that a time or two. I see the look of surprise on your face, the books tell it a little different now don’t they? Lucas the Lumient always calm in the face of danger. Always there with the solution to every problem.”
Again the old man pauses to take a long swallow from his mug. Looking up as the whistling of the wind picked up again. “’tis a bitter night, the wind runs foul. Luke always said you could tell the day by the wind, but he heard things on the wind that normal folk don’t. I wonder what its saying now?” A long pause as the old man stares out the window listening to the ragged howling outside.
“I don’t suppose I’ll ever know, not the way Luke did.” A sigh, “No, I don’t suppose I’ll know quite like that. Luke would always listen to the wind, said it whispered in a language he could almost understand. Like when you could hear your parents talking through the door on Christmas Eve but could never quite understand what they were saying.”

* * *

Luke glanced up with a smile as Braden came rushing in his hair sticking every which way, “How’s Jenny?” He asked not really waiting for an answer before delving into his book.
“Good, good, how’d you sleep?” Lopsided grin grows beneath the helter-skelter hair as he dashes into the back room for a second coming back with both arms full of various food items and cooking utensils. “Anyway, gotta go, she’s waiting for me!” Braden shouts as he dashes out the door again and down the stairs, gone before Luke ever even registers the words.
The smile spreads wider on his face as he stands up to glance out the window to see Braden sliding his lanky body into the car waiting in the grey mist of it’s own exhaust. He turns back and throwing his book on the sofa walks over to the cupboard opening it he stares at the package of spaghetti and old cereal bars he bought months ago. Grunting he closed the cupboard door again, slumping back into his seat on the sofa.
Just as he did the wind rattled the windows.
“Kazoku ve irikitai len.” He sighed listening to the wind, puzzling over meaning. Always the wind spoke the soft swift words which seemed almost magical drifting to him through the shutters. Words he could almost understand, almost taste the meaning of.

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>> Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Tonight I re-accquanticed myself with Panini, awesome blog. It was one of those moments when worlds colide and you are left wondering what the heck happened to your life. Panini you see, was my TA my freshman year. I think she was a Junior at the time and is older, and taller than myself.

We, with a much smaller group of people than were supposed to go, went to watch Serenity. We got to the theater and Panini asks, "Is this a Sci Fi movie?" *nod* "We should watch Flight Plan." I had two problems with this. First, I'd read a review about it earlier that day and had no interest in watching it, at all. Second, knowing that I don't enjoy movies that the people I watch them with don't enjoy, I knew I wasn't going to enjoy it as much this time around. BUT, I'd paid to see this movie, and it just felt slightly morally wrong to just walk into flight plan even if 3/5 people didn't enjoy the movie very much.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about a lot of things, what the world is all about and how I'm supposed to fit into it all.

If I walked away today,
would it matter?
If I forgot to wake up tomorrow,
what would happen?
If I changed my choice yesterday,
would I still be alone?

When tomorrow comes will I be there?
When yesterday made it's mark did I contribute?
When today is over will I have made a difference?

Why did yesterday pass away,
leaving me with it's husk?
Why did today come around,
knowing that it's too late to fix?
Why did tomorrow pass between my fingers,
slipping through too fast to keep.



I think that's about it for tonight, I'll play around with that poem a bit later I'm sure. Sleep must needs come, too much thinking.

-Asmond Woodruff

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Zee Cold

>> Monday, December 05, 2005

As I have previously stated, I hate the cold. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't one of my typical, "I hate" statements. No, I actually mean this one. I hate cold more than I hate mushrooms and the smell of raw fish, and that pringly sensation you get in your legs when the blood rushes back into them. More even than I hate confronting people when I know I'm in the wrong.

This is a hate that runs deeper than oceans. This is a hate with such passion that the stars themselves quiver and quell in fear of being burned in one fell swoop consumed in my angers fire.

Yes, you are beginning to understand my deep loathing for the cold. I despise it more than anything you can imagine.

Why do I carry such deep anti-affection for cold temperatures? Well, I blame it all on the fact that as a child I got bronchial asthma, basically when it's cold...I can't breathe. Then of course I got sent on my mission to Texas where I was the glad recipient of wonderful warm temperatures. Until February when it turned cold, cold and humid and I had to ride my bike around in that temperature. It was so cold you could spit and hear the ice shatter when it made contact with the cement. It was so cold I would puke just to get some sort of movement in the bowels.

And then I came home to Utah and it was cold, but not wet it didn't penetrate. Then it turned summer again and I realized...being cold is stupid, the only reason to be cold is if you go to hell. Which is enough of a reason to repent in my mind. Other than that, I will turn the heat up to 80 degrees in my apartment, I'll huddle in sweaters, jackets and blankets, and then when all is said and done and I can leave this place that gets cold I'm moving somewhere warm... Like maybe Sol. I think I'd like it better there.

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Hellfire...

>> Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Jumping the bandwagon...

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Extreme
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)High
Level 2 (Lustful)Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

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Strange Properties of Snow

As you all know, it snowed Monday. Now, you will note that I have an intense hatred for being cold--which has decreased as of late...ever since my Mom showed me the coat I had forgotten about...ahh wonderful coat you are...I love my coat--this is only intensified if there happens to be snow on the ground, or the air. It gives me a greater desire than is completely holy to get out of said snow and cold and get into something warm.

Well, some of you that have been to my house may know...that I have a rather steep driveway. And by rather I mean it's probably at least a forty five degree angle. For a good 30 feet at least. The one good part about it being cold and snowy is that I can slide down my driveway. A very enjoyable thing. You see the snow melts as your-relatively-warm shoes touch it, causing a very small layer of water which creates an almost frictionless surface which you can use (The effect being called Hydroplaning), in combination with gravity and momentum to propel yourself down said driveway. Kicks, giggles, smiles and laughter ensues.

On Monday morning I had done just such a thing. Well, upon the completion of said trip down the driveway I jumped into my car as to avoid being in the cold air too long. And started driving. Now, in order to get out of said cold fast and get to the really important part of the day-going to history and seeing attractive history girl-I was driving at what could appropriately called an expedient pace.

unfortunately, my car saw my earlier fun with the driveway and decided it would like to do the very same thing.

And so it was, that careening around the bend between 8th N. and University in Orem my car put it's horrible plan into action. The hot tires made contact with the compressed snow of the busy street and made that delightful layer of water which allows one to glide, almost frictionless, across that very narrow road. And thus it was, that I became a horrible participant in my car's unruly actions, in an attempt to correct his misguided efforts I turned my wheels and applied the breaks, but to no avail he was having his hay-day and would have none of my correction.

That is until George stepped in and put an abrupt stop to the fun. George of course...is the wall on the southwest side of the road. He met Gusto's (my car) front bumper and ripped it to pieces, which caused a haphazard twist and plummet into the brush on the northeast side of that road, which thankfully enough was about the time that Gusto had run out of momentum. And I came to an abrupt stop.

Getting out and surveying the damage that George and Gusto's fight had caused I realized the Gusto had most certainly come off the worse in the bargain. My bumper is gone, or at least...bent at a rather grotesque angle which strangely pointed to the sky above, the ground beneath and forward all at once. And so bending it back into some semblance of natural form, I drove home shaking my foot pulsing on the pedal and promptly set up my computer and wasted the day away playing Sims 2. Reality just needed to be gone for a bit.

-Asmond

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The Girl of My Dreams

>> Thursday, November 24, 2005

Have you ever seen THE ONE? As you listen to her talk she exudes something that makes her simply glow. Her enthusiasm for life, the gospel, her career, and everything of good report that comes within twenty miles of her train of thought overpowers even the darkest moments and leaves you breathless waiting for the next radiant beam of light to hit you?

Not only does she have that personality that blows your socks off and leaves you hungry for more, but she also has a body that puts Aphrodite and Venus to shame. You know the girl I'm talking about? The one who everyone is secretly in love with because she is amazing in every possible way? I found one of those today.

And I hate it. I hate it beyond all possible measure of thought, I know that no matter how hard I try I will never be an equal for that yoke. Push, prod, cajole all I want, I will never get my tongue, thoughts, and body in line enough to rise to such a seraphic state. So instead I will continue to dream that sad, lonely dream where I am the kind of guy she would be interested in, my 6.5 looks have turned into an Adonis-like 9.5, my wit an study in precise incision, my honor unimpeachable, my kindness the highest benevolence, my love-magnanimous. Yes, that is the dream that I will dream tonight.

And I shall be thankful for it while clinging ever more tightly to the hope, someday I might actually get there. Yes, thank you--LORD--for hope.

-C

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Fringe Walking

>> Thursday, November 17, 2005

I love fringe walking.

What is fring walking you ask? I'll tell you, fringe walking is when you are in a large group of people walking in two different directions at the same time. If you don't want to go the same speed as everyone else you have to walk on the fringe.

There is an art to walking on the fringe, I've seen people try...and I've seen them fail horribly and every now and again you see an expert, someone who just seems to leap forward ahead of the crowd. They are graceful, amazing and throughly entrancing to watch. And if I say so myself, I'm one of the best of 'em.

I weave, and dip and dash and dart. No one can come in my way as I run through the middle of the crowd, the edge of the people going my way the edge of the people going the opposite, one wrong step and I could land myself some serious bruises as I get myself trampled by hundreds of eager students on their way to class. But I've never fallen, never been hit hard enough to send me reeling, bouncing back and forth between the relentless hoards of people all keeping a careful foot apart from each other to the front and back and four inches to either side.

It's those four inches that I work, four to one side, four on the other, you can push people to give you an extra eight inches, totally 12, just enough to push your way through. And I love doing it. It makes me feel alive, knowing I'm that close to death...I can't wait for tomorrow...when I can run the fringes again.

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Reality

On Blue-Beta they thought up a list of all the weird quirks about ourselves that our future spouses will have to deal with...and so...here is my list:

1. I like to argue, I argue about everything, I'm occasionally wrong but won't accept that fact until it's been beaten out of me or I'm far enough removed from the event to not have a pride issue with it.

2. I can't stand dishes in the sink, or messes that can be easily cleaned up. And I hate cleaning up after other people who know how to clean.

3. I like video games, and play them. You're going to have to accept that and you don't have to, but I'd love it if you played along.

4. I hate doing laundry, and will only do it when there are NO other clothes.

5. I enjoy movies, an occasional movie will be watched (I mean like...once a week).

6. I like to cook, but it takes a lot out of me, and so more often than not I just throw something together. I love spicy food.

7. My things are my things...I don't share well. But I don't expect you to share with me.

8. I think going through a roll of TP in less than a week to be a waste and will secretly despise you for it.

9. I hate, loahte, compleatly despise cold weather. I would rather die of dehydration in a desert than freeze to death.

10. I hate vacations, I hate leaving my house...until I leave then I love it, you'll have to push to get me out the door.

11. I don't talk about my problems, I don't know how. If you ask me to do it, I'll get frustrated and shell up even more. However I can and do write my feelings down and you may read my journal at any point you want to know how I'm feeling.

12. I hate going to bed before other people, and I love to dream but the time spent in bed is directly purportional to how depressed I am at any given point in time. If I get more than about 8 hours, something is wrong.

13. I secretly want to be Agnostic and will occasionally try to act that way but can't seem to let myself actually be one for long, and I think it one of my greatest flaws in life. You'll need to kick my butt into shape and then help me forgive myself.

14. If you try to bring emotions into something I won't accept it as a valid argument.

15. I love novels but don't try to get me to read an intelligent book.

16. I hate dancing, I hate being in large groups of people that I don't know. I will usually go silent when I'm not happy in these groups...it is not a good sign.

17. I am a recovering compulsive liar...I always had to be the center of attention and kept that attention by lying through my teeth. Still like the attention, but am working on the lying part. Incidentially I don't like about what I am...just what I've done.

18. I love talking in accents and will probably break into accents infront of you.

19. I love making faces in the mirror, singing along with music and eating with ohasi.

20. I don't like beef, and will pick chicken over it anyday...unless you're talking about my Mom's Beef Stew, at which point no food trumps it.

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I've Fallen

>> Monday, November 14, 2005

I've fallen.

I'm not sure that I want to stand up.

Tonight I watched Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith. I LOVE that movie. It is so increadibly amazing. I feel like Anakin sometimes, but then I realize that I have never had the sort of passion that he displays in every instant, that is right up until the end when his heart breaks and he is filled only with anger...and even then he has more passion than I do.

I'm reminded of a movie: "All that anger is going to burn you up someday." "It keeps me warm." Points to whomever can name the movie. I should watch that again.

I've been running for quite some time now, running from a 55 year old man with a stigmatism in a suit. I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't want to have to see him. I didn't want to talk about it. But I got trapped into, I wasn't going to go, I wasn't going to tell the truth, I wasn't going to try again.

God have mercy on my soul, it's going to need it.

-(Asmond's real name here)

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Halloween

>> Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I just thought I'd take a moment and post on all of the wonderful things that happened this past Monday. First off, my favorite constumes:

1. The Storm Trooper
2. The Authentic WWI soldier
3. The grown up man wearing a Tigger costume
4. The Storm Trooper, again, man that kid was freaking awesome.

Second, I got to watch Gremlins, I think it's for the first time ever...because I don't remember hardly any of it, I must have only watched Gremlins 2. And to make this complete, I must quote:

"It happened when I was 8, one christmas eve my Mom and I were hanging tinsel on the tree, waiting for my Dad to come home. It got later, and later, and he didn't come home. So we started a search party out looking for him, it was horrible, we couldn't stop crying. We waited four or five days, but no sign of him, and the house was freezing. So I went to light a fire, that's when I noticed the smell. So we called the fire department. We were expecting a cat or a bird or something, but when they broke into the chimney they found my Dad. He had been climbing down the chimney presents in both arms and slipped and fell, he died instantly. And that's when I found out there was no santa claus."

Ahh, wonderful. It was simply splendid.

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Exceeding Expectations

>> Saturday, October 22, 2005

Well... I think It's over, it started on about September 12th...and it is now over. My blog will now return to the state it should be. I appologize for the mess the past few weeks. Life will get back to normal again.

Things that I've been asked, and the answers I give:

Are you okay?
Yes.

Do you regreat it?
No.

Why?
Because I learned from it.

Are you over it?
Depend on what you mean by over it I suppose... I don't think I'll ever be 'over it' in the sense that I won't care that she is hurt or in trouble. But I am over it in every other sense.

I think that's about enough for now. Be good all.

-Asmond

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Was it...

>> Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Was it because I never had a chance? Was it because I was mean? Was it because I was too easy? Was it because I didn’t dress well enough? Was it because I wasn’t rich? Was it because I never needed anything? Was it because I was religious?

There are a thousand ‘was it’s’ going through my head right now. I don’t know why, I don’t understand the reason things turned out the way they did. I tried my hardest, what is so much better about him that he was preferred over me?

I need to just get rid of this, I need to get over her. Why should it matter? I know the reasons I chose not to pursue anything further. I can rationalize these things away in my head all I want, but the fact of the matter comes down to the fact…I still have hope I still haven’t gotten over it. I’ve gone on dates; I hope to go on more dates with some of them. But…

It’s hard to argue with your heart.

-Asmond

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Ruminations

>> Friday, October 14, 2005

Here I am, at a computer at 12:36 am on a Saturday wondering to myself why I keep doing it? Why do I keep banging my head against the wall, and with each ever so slight crack I renew my energy four-fold...but is it worth it?

There are soo many roads for me to pick, how do I know which is right for me? How do you fight against 12 years of experience? Which path do His steps take? There have been soo many travelers on these roads, it was so long ago that He walked them. Do I take the first step, do I dare to step into the dark to put that much faith in God that there will be some ground there for me to land on? I tried to walk away, it didn't work. What would be best for the other people involved? Where do I find the answers? I feel stupid, I just wrote an entire post trying to help someone else with their doubts, but there still lurks somewhere on the edge doubts just as large and strong.

But at the same time...there is no doubt in my mind I have faith now, something I don't think I've ever had before. I have faith and now I need to make the sacrifice. Can I give that much?

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Answers to a Question

>> Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I apologize to everyone but this post is going to be remarkably religious. This is intended as an answer to several of my friend’s and their wonderment at the church and it’s lack of ‘factual proof.’ Actually in an attempt to categorize all of the things I wanted to talk about I went through and realized that I only have the patience for one such reply, Sorry BAWB…plus Smurfs did it soooo well.

So, this will in fact be a response only to Belcinismo
Here you go:

Hypocrites among the Members of the Church

Okay so perhaps you didn’t put it quite so harshly…but that is what it boils down to. The fact of the matter is, that unfortunately not everyone in the church is perfectly converted to the gospel. Thus, we all have failings, some of us make those mistakes early and in fixing them acquire the knowledge of repentance, and the pain that it brings, as well as an empathy for those who are going through similar circumstances. Now a problem arises when people ‘don’t make mistakes.’ Note the quotation marks. Everyone makes mistakes but sometimes they're smaller; and when they are smaller its easier to explain them away or go through a ‘mini-repentance’ process (Something that I don’t believe in, I think that these are some of the hardest sins to repent of, because it is most difficult to feel the sorrow that is needed to truly repent.) And in this state of near perfection, look down on those who have made larger mistakes.

However, they don’t realize that a violation of the law is a violation of the whole law (James 2:10). And are thus as eternally damned for lieing as they are for murder. In this state of non-awareness they can rationalize away their harsher view of others based on a misguided conception that because their sins are ‘smaller’ they are somehow less in need of the Atonement. And somehow that makes them superior.

Deemed my goals and dreams unacceptable. (girl becoming a doctor)

I had to do a little more background research (I read the entry right before this one) but I discovered that your, ‘goal and dream’ is to become a doctor and thus will base my reply on that point and gender roles in general.

On becoming a doctor, I have nothing against it, in fact I believe that if you have the talent and ability it is your responsibility to do it. That is a very noble profession and one in which much is required and little is given back—when done how I think it really should be done. That aside…gender roles in the church.

Being male I’m can’t really empathize with you, but I do know that within yourself you have conflicting emotions about this, again from the last post. I think that we can say what in general is best for children(a mother at home, while the father brings home the bacon and spends quality time with his children)…but what is best in specific for YOUR children…I don’t know. That is something that requires a personal relationship with the Father and a lot of prayer. Which I’ll talk about under the faith and answers to prayer section.

Desire for intelligence and independence –nearly sinful stigma

I guess I don’t really understand this question… I suppose that there are some people who can see life this way, but I personally am looking for an intelligent and independent girl. I don’t want someone who blindly follows the herd, but rather someone who can go head-to-head with me and come out on top--sometimes(I do have an ego to keep inflated afterall). But I do know people/men who want to have a wife like the person I’m imagining, and I’ve had a friend who thought that was what men wanted out of her to the point that she became it. And it was infuriating talking to her…she always agreed with what I said even if I changed positions half-way through a ‘discussion.’ (One can hardly call them that.)

Why would God give me abilities he doesn’t intend for me to use?

See above answer on goals and dreams. But also: D&C 6:10, which is a passage given to Oliver Cowdry when he was questioning his faith. Gifts are given to be used you might not know how the Lord wishes you to use them, but take advantage of them and sooner or later that use will become apparent. Another interesting note to remember, your gifts are, in a large part, a result of your actions and choices in the pre-existence.

Feeling at odds with things that the church teaches.

Tell me what you feel at odds with and I’ll decide if you’re going to hell or not. No in all seriousness…there are things we all struggle with understanding. For me, doctrines like polygamy and the atonement(not that it exists but the justice in it.) These are there so that we can excercise faith. It requires a measure of sacrifice to step into the dark, not knowing the how or the why.

‘Expected’ to condemn people for things ‘they cannot control.’

Who ever told you that you are expected to condemn anyone? I’ve been told lots that I’m not supposed too… but judging others would make things sooo much easier. As for thinking ill of those with homosexual desires I disagree. I have several friends that struggle with these ‘things they cannot control’ as you say. It’s a challenge they were given, the desires are things they cannot control, but their own actions based on those desires are under their complete control. And just as my desires must be curbed sometimes their desires must also. Hum, re-reading that it seems rather callous, but I don’t know how to make it sound nicer, just as I struggle with the desire to sit in bed and do nothing but dream, or play video games all day (signs of a deep depression in Asmond), others must sacrifice their wants and desires to follow the Gospel path. It isn’t what we sacrifice that is important it is that we sacrifice, and the reasons we do it.

As for supporting those who ‘deprive them of ‘normal lives, equal rights, and loving relationships’’ Your attraction doesn’t guarantee a happy relationship under any circumstances. It is possible to love someone without physical attraction though, in fact I’d say that it’s impossible to love someone because of physical attraction. Equal rights? I don’t get that, what right do they not have which we do?

Family in the plan…

As far as where your family fits in the plan…I don’t know, I don’t know your family and I don’t know the whole plan. That makes ellaborating these things difficult. However I think generically speaking, your family is loved by God and he has placed you and them, here in the situations which are needed-both the trials and the blessings-in order for you to make the needed sacrifices to obtain sufficent faith in Christ. And thus allowing you to be cleansed from your sins, pains, weakness, and concerns--To enter into the presence of the Father.

Ideal is a rarity.

Yes it is, that is why it is called the ideal. In fact it’s impossible. That’s why it is an ideal. We cannot achieve it, but we can strive to be as close to it as possible. There are people who achieve lives that from the outside looking in appear to be very close to the ideal, but they aren’t perfect and there is still much room to cover before they get there. In this goal we must look upon our own insufficences to act in a manner that is anything less than our best as a failure. The problem comes in when we start comparing ourselves to others and making judgment calls. Sound familiar?

Less-than-ideal situations looked down upon or patronized.

See above for the looked down upon. Being patronized isn’t really a bad thing…it just means that they want to help you, and don’t know how. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Faith, why it is needed? And why don’t I get a response to my prayers?

A biggie. First of all, we must understand what Faith is. There are several definitions which are good. A motivating confidence in God. A belief in things which are not seen which are true. The hope of things unseen. I don’t like them though, they are incomplete. There is something missing in all of them, even together there is something missing. Faith is a hope that God is there, and that he will be able to do the things which he promises us, that hope then motivates us to act in such a way so as to reap the results of those promises. But it is more, more than just the words that I tell you, it is…beyond my ability to explain it must be felt. It must be experienced. One that I only recently came to enjoy.

Why don’t you get a response to your prayers? Could be a lot of reasons, my very crude guess is that you lack faith in his ability to answer you. Answers to prayer require that we first believe that there is someone out there who loves us and is willing and able to answer us. Something I struggle with, something I think everyone struggles with. We have to have faith in his ability to answer us before he can. But at the same time…we are given experiences and answers to help us strengthen our faith to the point that we can believe, I guess you could say that to the point that our faith allows he answers us. Joseph Smith had great faith, and the Father and the Son appeared to him. I have a realitivly small amount and I simply recieve thoughts, impressions, concepts that won’t leave me alone. One one or two occasions which I hold very precious...the thoughts were almost like words whispered to me. But feeling the spirit takes some delicate sensibilites.

I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone with these answers…that was not my intent. I also thank anyone who has read this far. It has been something I learned from. So I pray the spirit may accompany it. What I learned goes along perhapse with something I studied today.

“Yea, it is the love of God which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all other things.
"And he spake unto me, saying: Yea, and the most joyous to the soul.”

The correction is important. It is this love that is desirable, it is the very source of happiness in life. The gospel isn't something you can dissect, it isn't something you can twist and turn and take apart. It must be studyed in it's entirity. Then allowed to become a part of us, a part that forever changes the course of our lives.

-Asmond

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My room-mates are the greatest.

>> Tuesday, October 11, 2005

And by room-mates I mean all but the mean purple one. I don't like him one bit. Okay, so maybe I tolerate him and even enjoy his company SOMETIMES. So aside from mean purple room-mate, here-after known as: Murple, I LOVE my room-mates.

Take Gordo, he's the long-term resident, and quite the good kid. Not the best of the room-mates which I have, but he provides me with entertainment on occasion, cleans on occasion and bought a TV so that I could play PS2! Go Gordo! (And yes, I do call him that to his face.)

Next, Smurfs. This kid is just amazing. He has a testimony and it's something that is actually discussed quite often around him. He sees through me more often than not and always understands what I'm saying...even when I'm being (what I think) is super cryptic. I suppose I should get some lessons in being cryptographic from SHE...her blog is freaking impossible to read unless you possess the Urim and Thummin. Anyway, back to Smurfs. Yes, he is a little messy but he at least keeps his mess on his side of the room, whereas I scatter mine throughout the house and my side of the room is immaculate. His is concentrated. And he isn't ashamed of that and I love him for it. (If you steal my laundry baskets and leave them blocking the door again I swear I'll eat you though.) He's a good friend in times of need and always there when you need him. I'm jealous of him in a lot of ways, but we all have challenges ne?

BAWB...where do I begin. He is simply amazing as I've been writing this I've been eating some Nachos that he brought home. Amazing kid, I don't know how he became so completely self-less but I wish I could be more like him, I'm far too stubborn most of the time. He thinks he is confused about the gospel and what he is to do with his life, but he just thinks too much. He's got the basics down and, much, much more importantly, lives them, he just needs to work on faith. Ahh, and yet another example of why I love BAWB, Gordo just walked in and asked where I got the nacho's...BAWB instead of coming out of his room, IM'ed me with where he got them. I love it. And thanks again for the Nachos. They were much better than my cup-o-noodles.

On a side note, spent some time with SHE, she told me to go straight home and into bed after drinking some 'erbal tea. And I'm glad she did, because I was feeling in a disobedient mood, so I took a long way home (about two miles longer than the 3 blocks from her house to mine), drank the tea (ewwwwwww), and stayed up another two hours. I love being disobedient.

--Asmond

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An old new friend

>> Monday, October 10, 2005

Well, the old friend is back, I'll be seeing him once a day for who knows how long, I can't believe it came to this.

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I wana talk about me, wanna talk about I, wanna talk about number one on my, me mind.

>> Sunday, October 09, 2005

You know the last few days I've been trying to understand this sense of...pull that I seem to be afflicted with. It all started as I finished off my book on The Battle of Bata’ an (the first major conflict in the Pacific after Pearl Harbor) I was sitting in the courtyard of the JSFB on the fountain feeling spectacularly uncomfortable with my rather bony body on the hard marble, and fighting off nature's call (a direct result of the running water just next to me I'm sure), just as the book began it's retelling of the last few days of the US military on Bata’ an. Just at that moment the national anthem was broadcast over the PA system.

Something stirred in my heart and I came to the realization that this song meant more to me than I usually give it credit for. It means that I'm willing to put with discomforts for other people, which I'm willing to do anything I can so that others might have that sense of amazing freedom that opened up in my soul that day. I’ve been incredibly blessed, I have enough food, I don’t have to fight to survive, I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, I believe in the Book of Mormon and modern revelation, I have a family that loves me, I have wonderful friends that care about me.

So why do I feel so unfulfilled in life?

I wish I could discover what it is that other people think about me…I really just don’t understand. What is it that people enjoy about other people? For example, there is currently a girl that I absolutely love talking to, she is funny and she shoots me down about as much as I bounce back, which is fine because I don’t mind being shot down except when I’m being serious (which isn’t very often) and most people I think just get offended by what I say…but this girl just rolls with the punches if you will. We have similar interests, all that other junk…but I know that this isn’t something that could develop into something more than just that… And I really don’t know if she even enjoys my company as much as I enjoy hers, heck I don’t know anything anymore.

Before this summer…maybe even so far back as before my mission I felt like I was at least in partial control of my life. I feel like a part of me is missing some quickening influence in my life is gone. And I miss it. I’m not as smart as I was, not as caring, not as good a friend. I just don’t know how to handle this…so what do I do? I try to work harder I try to be the person I was but it just isn’t there anymore. I feel like I’ve had a piece of me ripped off and I have this hole…just sitting there and I have no way to fill it. I don’t even know what it is that I’m missing. All I want is to stop having so many insecurities around me, to stop having to worry if they want to be my friend or not. I just want life to be normal again, I want it…

The word I was said far too much in the past few paragraphs. Maybe that is the problem; my life has become focused on me. God help me, I don’t have the strength for this one.

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French Bashing

>> Sunday, October 02, 2005

Gargh, I just posted a wonderfully long post....and I apparently wasn't logged in and lost it. To the last edge of oblivion to you blogger! I will now attempt to recreate.

In an effort to find some sort of meaningful world accomplishment of the French I went in search of some sort of good thing I could bring up in parties...you know something that I could use to make those French people feel at ease and well liked in America since they obviously saw the error of their ways and are now...here.

So in accordance with this my desire I retired to a grove of trees near my home that I might offer up...whoops sorry. So I went looking. I would like you to join me in the steps that led to my renewed appreciation of French life. First stop? Google. Next step? Type in, "French Military Victories." Now simply click the, "I'm feeling lucky!" button and you will see the same beautiful result that met my eyes. Click the link. You will discover a treatise on French military efforts for the past two millennia. I do so hope you enjoy.

Of particular import I'd like to mention the two basic laws of French warfare:

Rule 1: French forces can only be victorious when led by non-French leaders. (Attributed to Joan of Ark, who was sainted for her discovery)
Rule 2: French forces can only win a war when America does most of the Fighting. (Attributed to the result of the American Revolution, but can be epitomized in both world wars, panama and Korea.)

Also a wonderful jab at the Maginot line. Ahh such wonders to the avid French lover like myself.

In other news: I consumed 4 kilos of chocolate and 1.75 gallons of ice cream over the weekend. I'm likely to get a headache. The reason? I've given up on SHE for good this time. I need something more out of life, but still I think I'll go eat some more chocolate and throw myself into my studies, something that has been suffering for the past few weeks. Nevermore!

--Asmond

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Complete Control

>> Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I my dreams I have complete control over what happens. If someone does something that I don't want them too I simply rewind the dream and prest-o magic-o I have myself a new ending to the story. I'm actually going to say that that is the case in MOST of my dreams, every now and again I get a dream where I can't control, these are RARE. Think one every two years or so. Well, these dreams have very strange...results in my life.

You see most of the time I feel like I am at least moderatly in control of the world around me, I can judge people well enough that if they don't act the way I want them too, I can at least perdict how they are going to act. That gives me a sense of being in control. However, when these dreams come around they are usually followed by periods of intense inability to think straight, to perdict the world around me, or remember things that I should be able to remember. Which in turn makes me feel even more powerless(strange terms we have there), and more on edge.

So, as I slowly circle around in this spiraling vortex of doom I wonder to myself if I will ever accomplish anything that will get me out, if I will ever be in control again?

That's when I turn and rest more heavily upon God. I need him to get me out of this, and he is there to help me when I need it.

On a side note, as I was walking into the WSC today I thought to myself, "I wonder if John is going to be in there today." Not really thinking--John, you see, is my cousin that died just before school ended last semester--but then as I waited to hear his laugh, I sat near an old friend. She had been in his ward when he died, and she brought him up, and then his almost fiancee sat down next to me. I wondered if she remembered me, if she realized that by coming to lunch today she would be reminded of the things that could have meant so much.

And as I sat and wondered, another old friend from HS came and talking to him, I discovered that... Indeed he was a father. Not JUST married, but a father. I felt old, I felt really old. So I am going to do the only rational thing a person in my position can do. I'm going to go for a nice long walk and then I'm going to go buy some ice cream and I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat almost all of it, and while I'm at it I might just buy some Cinimon Bears and chocolate milk. Maybe some chocolate. Because nothing says, You're in control of life like consuming mass amounts of sugar.

-Asmond

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Random

>> Sunday, September 25, 2005

Some kinda random things that I've been thinking about lately...

"Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks."
"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
"Breathes there a man with soul so dead, who never to himself hath said, "This is mine own, my native land."...doubly dying will go down, into the vile dust from whence he came, unwept, unhonored and unsung."
"Should we not kneel down and scooping the precious substnace to our lips, partake as if famished?"
"What are you about?"
"Who are you supposed to be?"
"Everything is relative, there are no absolutes."
"And we are here as on a darkening plain, Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight, where ignorant armies clash by night."
"What is something you care about, so that we can tease you back."

-Asmond

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Maybe not

>> Friday, September 23, 2005

Maybe I cannot be Asmond anymore.
Maybe I was meant to be crooked nose.

You see I was doing some research into name meanings, and I discovered that Asmond is probably a mutation of a word that means "Devine Protector." Which as SHE once told me, is the goal that I want to have in life. I want to save everyone from the pain that they feel. I want to save everyone else, but I can't seem to save myself. I'm stuck being crooked nose for the rest of my life. I cannot be Asmond beyond the realm of the digits that make up the electronic world. So I'm forced to live with crooked nose.

What does that mean? Well, it means that maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am, maybe I'm not as good at helping people as I need to be, maybe I'm not as wise as I should be, maybe I'm not as _____ fill in the blank with attribute of godliness as I need to be.

As I need to be...what the Hades does that mean? What do I think I am? What do I need to be? Do I need to be superman? Is that what God needs me to be? Does God need me to be anything? No. Is it what God wants me to be? I'm not sure. I don't think he wants me to be Clark Kent, that I know for sure. But Superman? Does he want me to be superman?

Can I BE superman? Can I be Asmond? Can I be good enough for anyone to want to be around me? Does anyone want to be around Superman? Too many questions, too many things that I just haven't figured out just yet. Am I supposed to have them figured out? Maybe not. Maybe I'm just here to be Crooked Nose, to let Alexander have his part and Crooked Nose his. Maybe, maybe not.

-Asmond

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Unwanted Blessings

>> Monday, September 19, 2005

I've been tossing this idea around for a while, and can't really figure out what to call it. Let me explain my predicament.

These past few weeks I've been complaining about a lot of things, and it seems like every time I complain about something, God sends the smack down and gives me the thing I'm complaining about not having. Well, naturally I've been feeling fairly non-appreciative for all of the things that He has been giving me. So I've kinda named these blessings unwanted ones, because I think deep down I want to complain about them, and he just keeps blessing me so I have to find something else to complain about. Why is that? Why am I so determined to be unhappy that I refuse the joy that is staring me full dead in the eyes. Yeah, talk about a stupid little kid.

So, in light of these things I've been kind of keeping a mental list of the unexpected great things that happen in life.

I ate a cookie, and was complaining in my head about how dry it was. SHE offered me a glass of milk.
I was whining about my romantic life, SHE showed up at my house.
I was worried about money issues, BYU is giving me 350 dollars.
I complained about walking everywhere, my parents paid to have my car fixed.
I whined about not having anyone I could trust with things, he gave me someone I wanted to trust.
I wanted to be able to serve people but not be seen, I got a calling as a ward clerk.
I felt disconnected with my family, both of the twins called me and asked to do things with me.
I was feeling depressed and unloved, Wiggle called and forced me to go do something with my life. Random people in my ward asked why I hadn't come and visited them recently, several of them. A girl told me that my looks were 'more on the beneficial side,' and that when I smiled it, 'lit up my whole face.'

Countless others that I wish I could remember but can't. I guess the thing that I'm so happy about is the fact that God knows who I am and is giving me the things I need (which I think right now are really the things I need and not only the things I want) I'm not really sure what he has in store for me, I know these blessings aren't going to come forever, but I'm enjoying them while they are here and maybe I'll learn to appreciate them even when they're gone and I'm given real challenges again.

But in the mean time, I'd like to thank all of the people out there who have played a role in helping me feel better, you are Gods angels' for me, and I hope you know how much I love and esteem you for it. I hope someday I'll be able to do the same for you.

-Asmond

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An Elaboration of the Past

>> Sunday, September 11, 2005

Well, the past few days I've been leaving random really cryptic posts on my blog. I've determined that it is time to explain why, to hades with who reads this, I've always written it for myself anyway and I NEED TO DO THIS. Otherwise I'll never really understand what's happening and I'll go crazy.

Tuesday, I met an amazing girl. Attractive, funny, etc., etc., all of the things you could ever ask for in a woman rolled into an amazing little blonde package. Well, I determined that I would ask her on a date and see if lAFS(like at first sight) was all it was cracked up to be. So I do, I ask her to go on a walk with me, she agrees and we make the needed arraignments for later that night. We went for the walk, had Ruby Thai's and I decided that lAFS was amazing, really just enjoyed the night, and was even more fully amazed at this girl. She seemed too good to be true--I guess that should be an indication. She climbed a tree for me, and we talked in it for a good long while, and then we watched the stars for a bit.

Thursday I went through the amazingly strange feeling in my stomach that I guess normal people associate with crushes, Yeah, I guess that's what it was. Anyway, I figured out an excuse to go and visit her and see her. The stomach flips went away for the night.

Friday: I had asked SHE if she would like to go up to a concert on Temple Square with me. She agreed. So we went. I made wonderfully yummy fajita's--which I finished right before starting this post--for dinner and we headed up to SLC with my roomie and his friend. We get there and things are going...so-so, not as great as I could have hoped for, but not bad. Well, we get into the concert after a minimum of hassel and we start listening to the music.

Let me explain a little bit about me and classical music. I had been expecting this to be a concert of bells...whatever that is, not classical music in my head. It wasn't. During my really depressed days I listened to classical music and showtune music(les mis and phantom), a lot. It came to depict the sadness that was inside of me in my head. Something only enhanced when I listen to it live. I thought I'd gotten over my past depression...but this music seems to be a key that connects the dark past with the present, and thus I avoid it generally.

Well, there I was stuck, I couldn't just walk out now, I had to listen to it. But I thought I could do it. A very nice piano piece that I enjoyed, then a trumpet piece which was alright... Well, it started going down hill from there, I don't want to say that the images came back to me, but I started getting those feelings that I'd had years before, and it was only 8 or 9 pieces into the concert. I knew I was in trouble, but I still couldn't leave. Then the Tennor started singing. He sang some song in another language and then, he sang the one from Les Mis that I posted earlier. It was the straw that broke the back, I couldn't handle it anymore, I had to leave. So I ran.

I ran to the restroom, and there all of the emotions that I'd kept bottled for so many years overwhelmed me. I felt dirty, I felt worthless. The scripture that always seems to come to mind in times like this came: "Who shall ascend to the mount of the Lord? He who hath clean hands and a pure heart." Well, I can't do anything about my heart, but I can clean my hands, so I washed them about nine times and drying them, still feeling filthy, go back. I see the granite that was hewn to form the temple and I just can't handle it. Those are clean hands, mine are still filthy, and I'll never have the faith, the hope the peace that they have. I'll never amount to the same things that these men did. I will never mean anything.

I go back to the concert and listen to the last few pieces. We then leave, SHE realizes something is wrong when I don't speak to answer her questions, she tries to cheer me up. Something that never works. Except that this time it did. I actually felt better. Then the night was over and I was left to the memories once again. But this time, SHE wasn't there to fix it, and I gave in.

The last few days those memories have haunted my waking thoughts, the lurk beneath my lids when I try to sleep. They are slowly eating away at my soul. Well, I can't handle it anymore, I already called uncle, but it didn't work, they are still there. No one can fix this, no one on Earth, and so I must now turn to he who suffered these things for me. I'm going to end this soon, I need to sleep tonight and I need Him before I close my eyes.

So, I've given up on SHE for now, I need Him before I can hope for a relationship and I can't live with these memories unless someone is there to take them from me permanetly. I'm really going to say uncle this time. But I'm going to say it to the right person.

That is all for now, may your sleep be peaceful and your joys full.

-Asmond

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Bring him home,
Les Miserables

God on high, hear my prayer.
In my need you have always been there.
He is young, he's afraid.
Let him rest, Heaven blessed.
Bring him home.
Bring him home.
Bring him home.

He's like the son I might have known
if God had granted me a son.
The summers die, one by one.
How soon they fly on and on.
And I am old and will be gone...

Bring him peace, bring him joy.
He is young. He is only a boy.
You can take. You can give.
Let him be. Let him live.
If I die, let me die.
Let him live.
Bring him home.
Bring him home.
Bring him home.

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The day

>> Saturday, September 10, 2005

Cheetos.

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A conversation

"How am I supposed to do it I'm not ____ enough?"
"I don't."
"Then why give it to me?"
"So you could give it to me."
"I don't understand."
"I know."
"When will I?"
"When you give it to me."
"How?"
"Just do it until you understand."
"But...I can't, I'm not ____."
"I know, just do what you can and let me do the rest."
"I don't..."
"I know."

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Too much

How the heck do normal people do this?

-Asmond

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Prayers

>> Thursday, September 08, 2005

A cry runs through the night,
"Father, I do not have the strength."
The silence whispers back,
Intangible caresses.
The heart once sealed is open,
The heart once safe can be broken.

"Forgive me my fears."
Horse voices in the dark.
A grimace to the world,
A smile unveiled.
The child held back-loosed,
The child held close.

Empty sobs breaking shafts of light,
"Help me remember."
A soul on the gusts of time,
Seeking hope long forgotten.
The mind set afire by a thought,
The mind set on a course.

"I will do, I will go, I will be."

-Asmond

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Anon. Comments and a Picture

>> Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Due to a large influx of spam comments on my blog I have disabled anon comments. I appologize to the anon who thinks I'm the greatest and would like to marry me. You'll just have to give me your name. On a side and somewhat related note: I have determined to post a picture of myself. However it is going to be on my Blue-Beta avatar. That way only those to whom I have a small possibility of knowing will see it. Also I have updated the links to blogs that I actually read on a frequent basis if you'd like yours added on...mail me and I'll read it. :) Asmondw@hotmail.com

Enjoy!

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Smile now, Cry later

Today I stated that I was orange.

Which is true...I suppose. I just often feel as though I live in a world where the real me hides behind the orange mask of me. On my mission I talked to a gentleman whom had fallen away from the church and had tattoos all over his body. One in particular caught my attention. It was that of a clown, split down the center. On one side the laughing smiling face that the clown must show to the public. The other, a crying frowning clown that was the face he showed no one. Now of course in his case this was a representation of a life of immediate gratification at the cost of future pain.

However I think it applies to myself. I have often-times called myself the Jester. Always the centre of attention but never really accepted as an equal among those whom I associate. The one to be called upon to entertain the one to send away when 'real' matters become the subject of thought.

I'm not sure where this is going... but I guess I'm just feeling as though I am missing out on some sort of vital life experience because I have managed to emotionally distance myself from people. Well, the problem there-in lies that I also distance myself from all emotion.

That includes the good ones. But recently as I've tried to recreate a sense of spiritual fervor but it's hard when you've voided emotion for so long. I want a relationship with God, because I want a relationship with those around me. I don't know how to open up my emotions to people. My thoughts yes...but I can't seem to share how I feel with them. Maybe it's a male thing. Maybe I just don't know what the heck to say because that bloody "Y" chromosome keeps getting in the way. But I think not. When I read the scriptures lately I keep getting this feeling of longing.

Not from my side of the pages but from HIS. He wants me to come to him, he wants me to give him my problems, he wants it more than I want to give it to him. But I can't. I've been trying cry for weeks. The things that I've gone through need tears, but I can't give them. I can't break the walls I've built around my feelings. I've come close but my defense mechanisms always jump in and prevent me from going any further.

Will I always be so emotionally dead?
Why would God want to give me his love more than I want to receive it?

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Well, my last day of work was yesterday.

>> Saturday, August 27, 2005

This is going to be more of a cataloge of events than my normal entries, so forgive me.

I've moved back to Utah, moved in with Bawb and Smurfs and two other blokes that aren't bad, although I'm not sure I trust one of them, he went to bed before midnight on a Friday night...weird. Okay so the travelog.

Tuesday:

Smurfs slept over at my house and we woke up bright and kind of early (he woke up sometime around noon), and we went about attempting to find his money so that we could get an appartment. Trie dto find TO so that we could locate his pay checks, after hitting up wiggle's and then attempting to find him at his place of occupation--until Wiggle told us that he went to SLC. Then I went to a meeting at my work, and came back to get Smurfs from the Provo Library, stopping to talk to my Mom for a bit. Then I came home, and the group of us went to watch Fantastic Four. An excellent film, not hurt in the least by Jennifer Alba having to strip several times during the movie--events to be eclipsed only by her powers failing in said almost nued state.

Wednesday:

The day began at my new appartment, and--having forgotten my pillow--with a very sore back. It proceeded as I refused to accept my Boss' calls, read Eragon and chatted back and forth with Bawb What a neat kid and Smurfs--Something I have a feeling that I'm going to be doing a lot of the next few months. After that I went to my older sisters' birthday party. Where I got to see Batman Begins an excellent film. I am quite pleased at this trend toward comic books, I'd perfer more along the fantasy line of things but this is just about as close up my ally as I think I'll get and it pleases me greatly. Came home and went to IHOP with Bawb and TO, where we had the conversation about guilt.

Something I've actually been struggling with, it's strange how perception changes everything, I mean, for me, I want more than anything to be able to feel some guilt about the things that I've done so that I can repent, I want to feel some that regret so that I might be able to cast aside the thorny vestments I've been toiling under for the summer. And it has happened although I doubt I can say that the guilt or shame has caused it, but rather simply being around people with higher moral standards people who are struggling to come to grips with religion and who talk about it frequently.

The night ended with a somewhat polite refusal, on the part of our waitress, when asked for her phone number.

Thursday:

Read some Eldest, then headed up to my Boss' house to grab some equipment before heading up to Tooele to work. While enroute, somewhere along Highway 80, (exit 114 to be exact) a four and a half foot trailor hitch decided it would be a good idea to come off of the vehical in front of me, and, bouncing along the the bottom of my vehicle lodged about a foot into the back of my passenger side floor.

Car = Totaled

And thus, yesterday was the last day of work. I came home, cleaned, re-arragined the front room and watched TV with the roomies, yeah, that day stunk.

Friday:

Sat in appartment almost all day, went and looked for a job. Stopped by the BYU library and got some things ready for the party tonight. then came home, dinked around for a few hours decided to go get some dinner and then watched Herbie: Fully Loaded. Only worth the ticket because it was 1.50 and I got to see Lindsey Lohan.

And that ends the time that I have for this post, best of all to all.

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Home...

>> Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Well, it has finally happened, I am home from the summer.

What do I say about this summer? What do I say about today? Smurfs is upstairs sleeping on the bunk above my bed, yesterday Bawb said that the two of us could possibly move into his appartment as he thought that there were openings. I'm kinda excited about that, Bawb has favorably impressed me the few times that I've come in contact with him.

School is starting, and I still have to work a bit...but life is still going well. It has been a strange last little bit. I have felt very... aloof from the world. Very much the stranger looking in. It is good to be back among people who actually care about me again. Even if I haven't yet had the chance to talk to them all. That's a good feeling that, knowing that there are more than I can talk to in a few hours.

Last night I showed up late to a party thrown by Wiggle. Quite fun, and she said she needed to get back in the party throwing mood, psht. I am so increadibly impressed by these people, they are simply great, even if I did act the Jester. My self-proclaimed assignement in any group these days. I wonder how many people out there are just as amazed as I am that their friends actually care to call them friend. I mean, these are really exceptional people and I can't for the life of me assume what they see in me that causes them to desire my friendship. Or at least tolerate it when it is thrust upon them...

Another interesting thing happened last night, The Ringbearer, happens to be in my Sisters' ward and I'd met him a few time under a different guise. Always fun when the world of reality and the networld clash in such a way. What would have happened had I not listened in when Duchess' cousin told his now wife about the board... How my life would have been different.

All is well that end's well, but I must needs to wake up Smurfer so that we can go get some things done before I need to work today...Seeya'll.

-Asmond

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It's been awhile

>> Monday, August 08, 2005

So, I figured I'd stop in and write a little bit...for you know those of you who actually read this on a regular basis and care.

Well, where to start...

Life is going alright, I have been doing a lot of soul searching the past little bit, trying to figure out who exactly I want to be and figuring out what I need to do to get from here to there. I'm not sure if I've come to any actual conclusions yet. I'm working on it though. I absolutely hate this feeling of not knowing. I guess I'm handling everything alright...

You see, about two weeks ago I decided to do a little bit of an experiment. I stopped taking my medication. I want to see how I react to this sudden, 'all natural' Asmond. There have been some adjustments to be made, trials that I continue to fight against. But all in all, I think I'm doing alright, no suicidal thoughts, I can put down the fantasy and taking up reality do the things I need to do. I have noticed I've become a bit more cynical and snappish...which I'm not all that fond of, but again, I'm working on it.

So, for those of you who care, that's why I've been different the past few days. It's all just a matter of finding out who you really are I guess.

I keep wondering who I am, what are my desires. I think the biggest 'trial' I have in life is that I don't know how to change my desires.

I'm also coming to view religion in a new way, not really sure how to describe it and certainly different in perspective, although outside appearances may not change much. I must think upon it more...

-Asmond

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>> Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Sometimes I think I am my own worst enemy.

I look at the world around me and keep hoping for a girlfriend or a wife, why? Not because I want a family or anything like that...I just want to share my life with someone. I want someone who I like for who they are. Someone who will let me talk their ears off, who I can get mad at and they won't walk away. I want someone who will make me shed the tears I hide. I want someone who will be there for me when I want them, and when I don't. Someone I can talk to, and who will talk to me. I want to be part of someone else's life on a level where there are no secrets, I want to be able to wake up in the morning excited to talk to them, to hear what they have to say, and to share with them my dream, or my thought.

I've never had many close friends, never really met anyone who I can just talk to. I've always felt like I was on the outside of the shop looking in. Never included but always kinda there...Hovering around the edges. But I've always wanted to be inside. That's why I do some of the things I do, goad people into saying things, and doing things. Not because I dislike them, or think less of the,m, but because I want them to take notice of me...to call me up and ask to hang out sometime. I want them to call me out of the blue just to say hello, share some stupid story about spitting out the car and hitting your leg. And then go on with the rest of my day being reminded of them every time I look at that weird stain on my pants.

I can't remember where I heard this, and I know the quote isn't quite right but....

"The only universal human condition is loneliness."

I think it was while I was watching scrubs... In fact I know it is... when JD realizes that his Dad is just another guy, struggling to make it through life, a guy who sleeps on his couch when he comes to visit because he can't afford a hotel. A guy who goes off to visit an old friend not because he wants to see him, but because he might be able to sell him something, and he really needs to sell something.

I suppose one of these days I'll get over it, either in this life or the next, but I sure hope it comes soon.

-Asmond

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Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

>> Saturday, July 16, 2005

Well, at approx. 9;34, this morning I finished the book. It started around 12:50 last night with a small interuption around 1:20 so that my room-mate (whom I convinced to let me read it...I did go buy it for him), read the first chapter. Begun again about 1:47. I must admit I did take a break around 6:20 to snag some sphagetti O's, and then again around 9;00 when I drifted off to sleep for a few seconds....Okay twenty minutes. But all in all, a WONDERFUL book! Although...it leaves me really hungry for book seven...which of course won't come out for several more years. Dang these authors...they need to travel back in time and realease all of their books similtaniously.

On the plus side, I discovered a third book to the Alta series at border's yesterday...read part of it before I got called on a job(but it was an expensive 24$(Harry Potter was only 16!)) so I had to leave it there. And book two of the Eragon trilogy is going to be released here in the next...month or so...yay! Two books I've been waiting since I came home from my mission almost here and one just read...I wonder what to read next...

Anyway, I bet I beat everyone!

-Asmond

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ABC's...

>> Sunday, July 10, 2005

A- Age you got your first kiss: 17
B - Band listening to right now: N/A
C - Crush(s): Meg, Katie, Em, etc. I'm fickle...so shoot me.
D- Dad's name: Earl
E - Easiest person [people] to talk to: Novel, Uffish, Jason.
F - Favorite band at the moment: Gin Blossoms
G - gummy bears: That's a neat TV show.
H - Hometown: Orem, UT
I - Instruments: Violin
J- Juice: Where? I want some!
K - Kids: see above.
L - Longest car ride ever: Every other summer we drive to Mass., one summer we drove to Maine as well...
M - Mom's name: Debby
N - Nicknames: Camshaft, Asmond, Cam, Timone, Elder Enstine.
O - One wish: I need to find that loader...Uffish is prob. the only one who will get this.
P - Phobia[s]: Not having done anything important in life.
Q - Quote: "What have you done today, that earns for you another tomorrow?" -Anon.
R - Reason to smile: Friday Night...and M&M's.
S - Song you sang last: The closing hymn...I can't remember what it was.
T - Time you woke up [today]: 7:30.
U - Unknown fact about me: Uhm...I love chick flicks?
V - Vegetable you hate: Corn.
W - Worst habit(s): Pointing out when people say false things.
X - X-rays you've had: Arm, teeth?
Y - Yummy food: Beef Stew...yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Z - Zodiac sign: Gemini

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MARRIAGE? WHAT?

>> Sunday, July 03, 2005

Well, here goes a very large amount of making Asmond look silly.

I did one of those, "First, Last, Current." type deal-i-os the other day, and here are some of the questions: First girl you kissed. Well, it was: A. Last girl you kissed...yeah, still A. First Girlfriend; A. Last Girlfriend A. Last time you made out...never.

So, it all pretty much boiled down to this inevitable fact: I've only had one girlfriend ever...and we broke up five years ago. Why is this? I'm not quite sure. It's not as if I haven't liked girls...'cause I have. The problem arises in my follow through. I like several girls, but I don't have the follow through ability. I've gotten to know them to the point that I think to myself...nah. Take the current options. Vanessa is cool, but uhm...no, just nothing there. Katie is cool, but...yeah, there are some problems with that one. And the rest? Well, they are all about the same level as Katie.

What is my problem? Why do I have such a hard time settling on a girl? I mean there are plenty of nice ones out there... I'd like to date around get to know a girl or two, get my heart broken a time or two. The problem? Well, now that I've come home from my mission I feel like my next girlfriend HAS to be my wife. She doesn't, and rationally I realize this, but something deep inside of me keeps telling me that my next girlfriend is going to be marriable material. Is that too high of a standard to keep? Am I even ready for marriage? The answer to both is a resounding...maybe. I would like to get out there and date some...but I feel as though society has forced me into a point where I can no longer just date for fun, but that I am forced to find the girl that I can live with for the rest of my life.

And at a fairly young age, I'm only 22. But...at the same time I'm forced to take on a role that I don't think I'm ready for. I don't know what I want in a girl, how can I? I mean...I've only ever had one girlfriend...Ahh shoot. Anyway, I'm just a little frustrated. I want to have some 'fun' relationships. But I just don't feel like that's possible anymore. And I'm quite sad about that innocence lost. I missed out on a wonderful time in High School/Freshman year when I could have gone out and dated all of these girls and not had to worry about what they thought, not had to worry about getting married and settling down, buying a minivan and having 2.5 kids and a dog. Not have to worry about supporting those kids through college and then seeing them get married and moving out and having grand kids and paying for the weddings and having them go on missions and serving faithfully.

Wow...random tangent. Anyway, I think life is good now, and I've gotten that off of my chest. But does anyone else feel this way? I hate it! oh...and if you're a girl, and you're cute, and you read this...I'm accepting dating applications...non-serious applicants only please.

-Asmond

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Frustrations

>> Wednesday, June 22, 2005

I've had it!

Okay, not really...but I'm getting sick of this feeling of being dead weight.

Gosh dang it, this real life thing stinks to high heaven. Yesterday night I helped one of the salesmen and his wife get Internet. Well, tried too--but that doesn't matter. While I was there, I felt the renewed sense that my life is going nowhere. I know that I have to jump a few hurdles and eventually it will all come out for the best, but sometimes it's hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have to go home and move rooms again, I’ll have lived in all three of the rooms in my apartment, I haven’t eaten a decent home cooked meal in ages and I really want some beef stew. I’m not sure if everyone feels like this, but sometimes it just feels like everyone around you hates you and would rather see you dead than anything else, I’m in one of those moments now. I really just need to go read my scriptures instead of trying to take my anger out here.

Oh well, have fun all.
-Asmond

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Scripture Study

>> Tuesday, June 21, 2005

3 Nephi 17:4 But now I go unto the Father, and also to show myself unto the lost tribes of Israel, for they are not lost unto the Father, for he knoweth wither he hath taken them.

As I sit and ponder that scripture, I wonder at the enormity of life, I sit on my porch looking out over two apartment complexes, I know behind me there are four young men and I know in front of me are hundreds upon thousands of others. These are the lost tribes of Israel, the sons and daughters of God. I look at some of them, and I know that they are lost, I know that... they have yet to find the Father.

Today I was asked why I got up in the morning. I responded that the idea that there is another idea is what got me up. As I think about it, I'm not sure if that is entirely correct. I get up in the morning with the hope that someone out there will find me today. I don't mean that I am lost, although I guess in a way I am. I want to connect with another soul, to be found in the sense that together we are complete. I want to be of use in this life, I want my life to have a meaning to have a purpose. I don't think I want to be rich; I don't want to alter the course of the world. All I want is to mean the world to someone else.

I think about the atonement, and I wonder how He could love me that much...could love me enough to die for me. Do I mean the world to Him? I want to find meaning I want to connect to someone, and I look around me at the world that I see and more often than not I find that their arms are stretched out searching for something themselves, but we are unable to fulfill the needs that the other has. We are unable to find the lost. And I read the scriptures, the lament of 3 Nephi 10, as the Savoir tells the Nephites over, and over, and over that His arms are stretched out still, that he will still gather them. I think that his work isn't done. The work which he left the Nephites that day to go do...he is still doing it. He is going to the lost of the Tribes of Israel. He is visiting the children.

But he isn't appearing in pillars of fire and descending from above in glory...he merely enters into the hearts of those who are willing to let him in, and he gives them the same gift he gave the Nephites.

v. 5, And it came to pass that when Jesus had thus spoken, he cast his eyes round about again on the multitude, and beheld they were in tears, and did look steadfastly upon him as if they would ask him to tarry a little longer.

And he did heal those who were physically sick, and did begin the much longer process of healing those who were spiritually sick. He sought to give them the gift that they could not achieve for themselves. He sought to bring them to the Father. To lead them gently back to Him, because while lost unto themselves they were never lost to Him. How often do I look at people and make judgments, "He is stupid," "He is lazy," "he is on probation." I make these judgments and I wonder...why am I doing this? I want to connect to someone, but I refuse the only arms that are truly outstretched, yes there are others that I can reach out, and hold onto but without Him...I will lose my grip eventually I shall become lost again. I must make him the priority and figure out what to do with all the rest of it, discard or use it. I must love Him before I can love another. I must love myself before I can love Him...

I wonder what Jesus said in that prayer, I wish I knew, I wish I could feel of his love for me, and for those around me. I wish I could make that a part of my life, a part of my existence. What changes would it make, can I make them now? I pray I may, I pray that I can walk more closely in the steps he made as I walk along the sand toward my final destination. And hopefully one day I will look up and find that they have led me home. And that all of you are there with me...

It's strange, I don't know everyone that reads this...but I know a few. And I hope that they come with me, as we make the dark and difficult journey. It becomes easier when you have company.

-Asmond

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My Birthday

>> Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Well, In about twenty-five minutes I will be twenty two. That's kinda weird.

I guess I should update this a little. I am currently in Colorado Springs, and have been for the past week or so. They transfered our office here the Sunday before last. My car has broken down twice since I've been here and I already got snuffed by a girl--who chose my room-mate, who then moved out, coicidence? I think not--it's been a good week in other words. Life is great, and I'm going to keep on keeping on, I best be going now...talk to you all later...

-Asmond

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Self-Image

>> Thursday, May 26, 2005

This isn't going to have a whole lot of cohesiveness...so feel free to skip.

Today I got a call from the office manager asking me when would be a good time tomorrow for me to do a job. Well...I asked why? As normally the jobs tomorrow would be given in order of the rotation and I was certainly not going to be next on the rotation. Well, she said that the salesman specifically asked for me. I have no idea why, but for some reason this guy (one of our best salesmen) thinks that I do a good job and wanted me to do a particularly difficult job. I don't get it though? I'm not one of the best Techs...yeah my systems all work and the only service calls I get are from people who are canceling...but...I'm not the fastest, I'm not the best by any means. Why would they want me?

I keep thinking that perhaps I have a self-image problem. I was talking to someone the other day and I told them that it was very easy to compare the best parts of others with the worst parts of ourselves. Trying to convince her of the things that I thought were amazing about her, she kept saying that she wasn't as smart and that she was somehow 'sneaking' her way into getting people to think she is smarter than she actually is. (The girl is the freaking Valedictorian of a class of 700+). So do I suffer from similar problems? Just now I was talking to Novel and I told her that I wasn't exactly prime rib. She made a comment that got me thinking, "Who wants prime rib anyway?" Well, the answer: A lot of Men. "And that's what you want?" "Well...okay, so I'm not a ceaser salad with all the fixings." I realized that I had been making a generality, assuming that EVERYONE wants the same thing. Everyone wants Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, or Britney Spears. But they don't, Uffish likes Tomato Sandwiches, I hate tomatos. Somewhere out there, there is someone that is looking for a plate full of Asmond(maybe a bowl...I like soups more often than anything else...so I think I'd defiantly be a soup...not something you could put on a plate...yes, a nice thick hearty stew...yummy...I miss Mom's cooking) and I just have to figure out who she is.

I don't have to worry that I'm Sauerkraut or Blood Sausage, Tripe or Menudo, someone out there thinks those things are good! I think they are a little off their rocker, but someone likes them. So...I guess I don't need to worry so much about becoming the person that everyone wants and just become the person I can live with for the rest of eternity.

A couple more random thought sand then I'll end I think: My arm is all scratched up, I'm going to have tons of scars after this summer, today’s battle wounds with the wire striper, the needle nose and my drill: A long scrape from the elbow to two inches below the base of the thumb--cause: Bending over and scraping my arm across a drill bit in my belt. A flap of skin hanging off just below my pinkie toward the palm--cause: A sharp wire in the RJ block that cut up as I was trying to strip some other wire. An index finger with a scab on the first knuckle after getting it caught in the cutting part of the needle nose pliers while trying to close a dolphin clip.

Oh, I stopped to help a man with his Tire today...he had already changed it but I felt good just for stopping. I like doing random acts of kindness, they make me feel good inside, I think I'll start looking for more chances.

Today as I was listening to NPR(for some reason I've been listening to that lately) the thought came to me that M. might actually have feelings and thoughts all of his own and that the reason he did things is a direct result of things that have happened in the past. That the old Lady I had just explained how to use the system too and which couldn't understand really just couldn't understand and that she was having a hard time and I should have had more patience with her. I't shard to remember that sometimes other people have problems and concerns that they have worrying them, but imagine what would happen if everyone assumed that everyone else was as precious as they themselves were...and that everyone had problems...I need to start thinking more like that. Anyway, time for bed. I love ya'll

-Asmond

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God and Hearts

>> Tuesday, May 24, 2005

As I have been thinking quite a bit about hearts, and the various fuctions that they serve mankind I have been thinking, wondering really, why they are so important.

Often times one will read in literature that to fall in love is to give your heart to someone. Now, the concept of falling in love aside, why is the heart so often associated with love and other emotions? Emotions are felt, they are expeirenced in the brain. That is where we experience all things, most of us consider our heads to be the focul point of our bodies, and rightly so. In all respects but our emotions those are the sole property of the heart.

Why? Why this discrepensy? Why is the heart so very different from every other act, thought, concept that is known to man? Few things have caught the attention of poet, warrior, suiter, king or scientist with more frequency than the heart.

Some purely physical symbolism: The heart is realtivly unprotected, left vulnerable to outside ministration, both good...and bad. You can replace a heart, you cannot replace a brain. If damage to done to part of the brain, life becomes difficult, if damage is done to part of the heart, life becomes threatened. THe heart is the pumpting station for the blood, which is the symbol of mortality and sin.

But all this doesn't matter, although quite interesting. The question I've been wondering, is whose responsibility is it to change the heart? I have a friend not much older than me, who is on his third heart. His body is rejecting them--having decided that it is not it's own--he has decided not to take the pills to fight it off. He will soon die. (Incidentally, my friend served a mission in the main family history center where he became good friends of Elder Bednar's, and the good Apostle's last talk was given with my friend in mind.) Sometimes I think we are like my friend in a spiritual sense, we are given a new heart but are unable to accept this, it goes against our nature and we must continually recieve the help to keep ourselves from rejecting this new heart.

God has given us our hearts...but he gives unto us the keeping. Our desires are our own creation, one may choose to accept or reject the gifts given to them.

I'm tired and this isn't making much sense...but the main thought is: God gives us the chance to heal our broken hearts, but it's up to us to take the steps needed for healing, or replacement. It is hard to go from a heart of stone o a heart of flesh. But it is the task of us all to make sure that we do just that. Ipray that one day I might do as Moses directed the children of Isreal, after describing the scattering of Israel: But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.

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