Frustrations

>> Wednesday, June 22, 2005

I've had it!

Okay, not really...but I'm getting sick of this feeling of being dead weight.

Gosh dang it, this real life thing stinks to high heaven. Yesterday night I helped one of the salesmen and his wife get Internet. Well, tried too--but that doesn't matter. While I was there, I felt the renewed sense that my life is going nowhere. I know that I have to jump a few hurdles and eventually it will all come out for the best, but sometimes it's hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have to go home and move rooms again, I’ll have lived in all three of the rooms in my apartment, I haven’t eaten a decent home cooked meal in ages and I really want some beef stew. I’m not sure if everyone feels like this, but sometimes it just feels like everyone around you hates you and would rather see you dead than anything else, I’m in one of those moments now. I really just need to go read my scriptures instead of trying to take my anger out here.

Oh well, have fun all.
-Asmond

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Scripture Study

>> Tuesday, June 21, 2005

3 Nephi 17:4 But now I go unto the Father, and also to show myself unto the lost tribes of Israel, for they are not lost unto the Father, for he knoweth wither he hath taken them.

As I sit and ponder that scripture, I wonder at the enormity of life, I sit on my porch looking out over two apartment complexes, I know behind me there are four young men and I know in front of me are hundreds upon thousands of others. These are the lost tribes of Israel, the sons and daughters of God. I look at some of them, and I know that they are lost, I know that... they have yet to find the Father.

Today I was asked why I got up in the morning. I responded that the idea that there is another idea is what got me up. As I think about it, I'm not sure if that is entirely correct. I get up in the morning with the hope that someone out there will find me today. I don't mean that I am lost, although I guess in a way I am. I want to connect with another soul, to be found in the sense that together we are complete. I want to be of use in this life, I want my life to have a meaning to have a purpose. I don't think I want to be rich; I don't want to alter the course of the world. All I want is to mean the world to someone else.

I think about the atonement, and I wonder how He could love me that much...could love me enough to die for me. Do I mean the world to Him? I want to find meaning I want to connect to someone, and I look around me at the world that I see and more often than not I find that their arms are stretched out searching for something themselves, but we are unable to fulfill the needs that the other has. We are unable to find the lost. And I read the scriptures, the lament of 3 Nephi 10, as the Savoir tells the Nephites over, and over, and over that His arms are stretched out still, that he will still gather them. I think that his work isn't done. The work which he left the Nephites that day to go do...he is still doing it. He is going to the lost of the Tribes of Israel. He is visiting the children.

But he isn't appearing in pillars of fire and descending from above in glory...he merely enters into the hearts of those who are willing to let him in, and he gives them the same gift he gave the Nephites.

v. 5, And it came to pass that when Jesus had thus spoken, he cast his eyes round about again on the multitude, and beheld they were in tears, and did look steadfastly upon him as if they would ask him to tarry a little longer.

And he did heal those who were physically sick, and did begin the much longer process of healing those who were spiritually sick. He sought to give them the gift that they could not achieve for themselves. He sought to bring them to the Father. To lead them gently back to Him, because while lost unto themselves they were never lost to Him. How often do I look at people and make judgments, "He is stupid," "He is lazy," "he is on probation." I make these judgments and I wonder...why am I doing this? I want to connect to someone, but I refuse the only arms that are truly outstretched, yes there are others that I can reach out, and hold onto but without Him...I will lose my grip eventually I shall become lost again. I must make him the priority and figure out what to do with all the rest of it, discard or use it. I must love Him before I can love another. I must love myself before I can love Him...

I wonder what Jesus said in that prayer, I wish I knew, I wish I could feel of his love for me, and for those around me. I wish I could make that a part of my life, a part of my existence. What changes would it make, can I make them now? I pray I may, I pray that I can walk more closely in the steps he made as I walk along the sand toward my final destination. And hopefully one day I will look up and find that they have led me home. And that all of you are there with me...

It's strange, I don't know everyone that reads this...but I know a few. And I hope that they come with me, as we make the dark and difficult journey. It becomes easier when you have company.

-Asmond

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My Birthday

>> Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Well, In about twenty-five minutes I will be twenty two. That's kinda weird.

I guess I should update this a little. I am currently in Colorado Springs, and have been for the past week or so. They transfered our office here the Sunday before last. My car has broken down twice since I've been here and I already got snuffed by a girl--who chose my room-mate, who then moved out, coicidence? I think not--it's been a good week in other words. Life is great, and I'm going to keep on keeping on, I best be going now...talk to you all later...

-Asmond

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