Out of Georgia

>> Thursday, December 27, 2007

I'm leaving here today.

First thing I did when I woke up an hour earlier than I had planned: Defend the Jehovah's Witnesses. Weird.

I find it strange how people who preach free thought seek to limit it. (Atheists in their need to destroy religion.) How people who pretend to follow Jesus Christ cannot seem to love their neighbor. How the Muslims feel the need to attack everything that isn't 'me.'

I re-entered the LDS faith because it taught to accept all truth. And yet I find most members willing only to walk safely behind line of 'accepted' truth.

Why is mankind so afraid of everything that he cannot identify as 'me?' How can we expect to be happy if we live in a constant state of fear?

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>> Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I'm scared. It's all going to change starting tomorrow. I'm not going to let another amazing girl slip through my fingers.

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Christmas Wishes

>> Tuesday, December 25, 2007

I hope everyone has the best of days today, this season, and throughout the coming year.

Things I wish for you:

To be filled with the love of the Savior whose birth we celebrate, and life we seek to emulate. I hope this love manifests itself in two ways, your love for others--your ability to see past their shortcomings and flaws and truly wish them the best--and that you may love yourself so completely, as HE loves you.

Good music. To uplift the spirit, fill the heart and rest the mind.

Laughter. To cure the sadness, to forge precious memories and to light the darkness.

But mostly just the first, God bless you my friends, my brothers and sisters.

-CAB

P.S. Please respond to the last post!

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A character in a story

>> Sunday, December 23, 2007

If you were a character in a story... how would you be described upon introduction?

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The Tempest is Raging

>> Friday, December 21, 2007

Master, with anguish of spirit
I bow in my grief today
The depths of my sad heart are troubled
Oh, waken and save, I pray!
Torrents of sin and of anguish
Sweep o'er my sinking soul
And I perish! I perish! dear Master
Oh, hasten, and take control.

Today my father couldn't sleep. As I keep hours that allow me to be awake during the night. I also was awake. He wanted to have a talk with me. We covered a wide array of things and ended up talking most about Love. When it comes down to it, everything is about love. It is the driving force in everything we do. Those who lose it, cease to function unless they can replace it. It started because we were talking about my sister, and his worries for her. I didn't know how to answer his queries. So I gave him the answer that works for every question about how to help someone:

Walk forward. And love them enough that they want to and can follow.

That's the gospel boiled down into simplest form. What God does for us, what we do for others. I guess John said it first, "God is Love." (1 John 4:8)

All this time searching for meaning to find it in the words of one very old gentleman (I suppose he has or will soon celebrate his 2000th birthday) who knows a lot more than I do. I was also asked advice from a young acquaintance of mine about how to deal with a sticky situation with a male friend of hers who has become excommunicated from the church. I gave her much the same advice only modified since she has no stewardship over this young man.

My father also said that he didn't think I would be happy if part of my profession did not involve listening to people and helping them solve their problems. I agree. Does that mean I need to become a shrink?

The winds and the waves obey Thy will
Peace, be still!
Whether the wrath of the storm tossed sea
Or demons or men, or whatever it be
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean, and earth, and skies
They all shall sweetly obey Thy will
Peace, be still! Peace, be still!
They all shall sweetly obey Thy will
Peace, peace, be still!

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Asmond Evoloution

>> Friday, December 07, 2007

Alright, sorry this has taken so long, a pictographic history of Asmond with strange comments interspersed.


Asmond as a newborn. Please note the belly button. This disproves many false traditions concerning my birth.


Asmond as a slightly less new, newborn. Prior to my ability to walk. Dang straight, how many of YOUR kids could support their own weight/balance before they could walk?


Heck, I was even CUTE once... It was a long time ago.


I was taught at an early age to ignore my hair being all crazy like. I kinda like it.


Remember what I said about the hair... yeah.


Ahh, sweet birthday pictures. Apparently I was mostly photographed on my birthday. I think my parents were scared of how awesome their child was.


I know you aren't supposed to have favorite sisters... but who cares? This is mine. Also, I have no idea what was in my mouth.


I had such a mischievous grin... I'm sure that's gone now.


Ahh SANTA! I look giddy. I was giddy once... weird.


The proof that I was once athletic; and my little sister was cute.

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This Just In:

>> Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Natural Selection Dooms Humanity to Stone Age!

While working in the pharmacy section of the evil store that I work at the other day I encountered a strange sight(not for the faint of heart in fact... don't follow most of these links.). A gaggle of young native Georgian woman. Now, I was in the pharmacy section of the store. Do you know what is in the pharmacy section of the store? Things a single LDS male need not think about. This group of young women ( probably 15-17 in age ) were followed around by two hoodlum looking young men of the same age. They of course followed at a discreet distance, but made occasional remarks and were talked about... Anyway, they were looking for a pregnancy test. Of course they glanced about and finally chose to pick the cheapest one, after all results don't really matter. Then they grabbed some condoms. I personally should have thought the condoms be purchased long ago.

Natural selection is Darwin's theory that allowed for evolution. Basically the strong and smart survive long enough to reproduce.

So here is the problem: Humanity has eliminated ( except to a very small degree ) the process of natural selection in our reproductive cycles. Just about anyone can live to be old enough to reproduce, you don't have to be strong, you don't have to be smart. In fact, the smart ones prevent child birth completely. (I tired to do some research on this... but it took too much time/effort so I'll say that it may or may not be true... but it FEELS true.) Now with notable exceptions the more educated you are the fewer children you have (another one of those feels true things.)

So... how are these things related? If you equate money with being smart or strong, and poor people have more children. These are the same people that left to fend for themselves by providing food and shelter, would have died. So, we've eliminated natural selection from humanity. So what? I probably wouldn't be around if I had to provide for myself... I may be smart but I'm not strong.

However, I have noticed another trend in Americans. We like to marry people who are like us. Physically, mentally and spiritually. So smart people marry smart people, strong people marry strong people. Eventually we become morlocks and eloi. Gosh, I wish I could think up some sort of original thought. Stupid H.G. Wells came up with this blog YEARS ago. Only 'better.'

Oh well, moral of the story, you smart people, marry strong people and have smart, strong kids.

The end.

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All over the place

>> Thursday, November 22, 2007

While taking a shower just now I realized that either my blogging style reflects my mental babble, or my mental babble reflects my blogging style. Because I THINK in blogs. So... here comes some things I've been thinking about lately:

My parents left for Indiana yesterday, I've had the house to myself since then. I tried out being naked. Not as much fun as you'd think, apparently buttocks are more sensitive than one realizes plus... you feel guilty about sitting down because you'll leave butt juice or cooties or something everywhere you sit. Not a pleasant thought and you can't go downstairs because the stairs are right before the front door, which has two rather revealing windows on either side of it. Yeah, I don't think I like naked.

I'm really grateful for Easter at the Bockholts. I wish I could do Thanksgiving there, and only partially because of Sister Bockholt's pie. Mmmmmmm. Chocolate silk pie. Mmmmmmm. I owe a lot to that family and I don't think I've ever properly thanked them. So thanks. Pass it on to the rest of your house! And Happy Thanksgiving! I wish I could be more like them, married for one thing. Incredibly jealous of that, but also... these are people whom I have known for a very, very long time. I like them despite and maybe because of their flaws. That's gotta be a good thing. I miss them. I don't miss the dogs though, so scratchy. :)

On account of it being thanksgiving I'm going to actually make some real food. Chicken, rice, onions, pees, and peppers. It's going to be tasty. Just wish I had some chocolate silk pie.

Also, clarification, if you read this blog odds are I miss you. I can't think of anyone that has the address that I don't miss immeasurably. I generally think of my blogs as going to a larger audience than they actually are though. So... yeah. :)

To food!

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So much to say

>> Friday, November 16, 2007

I've been planning this post for a long time. And as such there is so much to say that I will not cover half of what I wanted to write. So, forgive me and I hope you know there is so much more between the lines.

1. I work at a large department/grocery store where I do overnight stocking of (mostly) the housewares section. I understand about 2/3rds of what my coworkers say. Their accent makes things INCREDIBLY difficult. It also makes for some funny/irritating things. For example... shopping carts here they are called buggies, but since Georgians have an accent to me it sounds like they are saying bungies. I hate it, and on that principle alone I have refused to call them anything but shopping carts.

2. I don't think I'm a good match for "hopelessly romantic" which is a nym for a girl most of you don't know, and don't know the nym for. My apologies for not keeping up on my life as much as I should. I am in fact still infatuated with Unicorn. I think I'll actually do something about it when I move back to Utah in less than a month and a half.

3. Cathi Palmer wrote me a few messages. I quoted her a bit ago and somehow she managed to find my blog. That's cool! While I was on my mission a poem she wrote was included on the back page of The New Era, I clipped it because I liked the poem so much... and I think I kinda liked the picture too. The poem has stuck with me and often comes to mind when that sense of something inside me refuses to voice itself. I have to admit... I had pictured her as somewhat younger (mostly because it was in The New Era) than she is more of a peer it's strange how the internet can bring two together two people from such differing backgrounds and stations in life together.

4. I just reread "Speaker for the Dead". How did I miss all the psychology the first time through? I mean... wow! I blame the fact I was 12 when I read it.

5. I've recently reread "The Screwtape Letters" and can I say that it took me about 10x longer than it took me to read Speaker. I want to re-read it again, such amazing concepts!

6. I recently read Ender's Shadow and one of Bean's comments really struck me. While he was in the transport from battle school to tactical school he was isolated from his peers. He stated that his thoughts circled back in upon themselves and it was harder to think clearly. I feel much the same way in my self imposed isolation. There is so much I want to talk to people about... but I just don't have anyone around.

7. One of the greatest parts about my job is that while it keeps my hands busy my mind is relatively free to wander. I think I'll have to make it a point in my life to have some sort of regular menial task that frees my mind to do just such a thing. That aspect of my life more than anything else has sped my recuperation. I have always filled my mind with... titillations. The forced introspection has done my soul much good.

That is all for now. I miss most of you and am working on missing the rest. :)

-Cam

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Prayers?

>> Tuesday, October 30, 2007

It's funny how things work in life. I've been living in GA for about two months now, and I life hasn't really gotten a lot better. I'm coming more in touch with my wishes...but doing things is still an incredibly difficult thing for me. It's just too hard to try these days.

Anyone who meets me in person will probably not realize how hard it is for me to act, in person I am generally a very outgoing person who likes to do things with others. I hope they don't see the almost paralyzing lack of fear that I suffer from. Yeah, lack of fear. I think a little bit of fear is a good thing, fear of being alone, fear of dying, fear of being made to look a fool, fear of being caught. I don't experience those fears and so I calmly let life pass me by without even trying to ride the rapids. Last semester I had a movie night at my apartment every week. It was the hardest thing I did that semester. It required planning, it required work, and it usually involved disappointment.

I had to pick out the movie, I sent out invites, I created a facebook event, I had to find the movie, I had to make sure all the AV stuff was ready for the movie, I cleaned the apartment, I went and personally invited people. I don't think I realized just how hard it was for me to do it until just now. The hardest part was sitting there, waiting for people to show up. I tried not to care, but sitting outside on the porch until 30 minutes after it was supposed to start waiting for someone to show up...

Anyway, one of the successes of those events was that some people did in fact show up. One was a girl who we will call Ohio. I talked to Ohio and enjoyed the company but that was about it, Cowboy roomie #2 said he liked her and there was no way I was going to be able to compete, so I put it out of my mind. Still, we were friends. When I came out to Georgia we began a facebook correspondence which isn't unusual. But today as I was responding to one of her messages something struck me.

She said she had been praying for me. Now, for I'm not sure if we will ever find out just how much merit our prayers have, but I imagine sometime when I get to heaven I'll find out that x prayed for me and because of that y happened. My mother when I was a teenager and struggled with some of the hardest decisions and realizations of my life, things that brought me back to church and away from the pains that I otherwise felt. Things that healed me body and soul. And now, Ohio praying for me, may very well be connected to the events of last Tuesday.

I haven't been sleeping well, which isn't an usual thing for someone who is running from life and has no obligations, but this particular morning I went to sleep around 7 and got out of bed at about 7:30 unable to sleep. I got on my computer, and for some strange reason I filled out an application to work for a company online. I answered all their silly questions and figured they'd give me a call in a few days...

They called me later that afternoon and asked me to come in for an interview. I got the job, I start tomorrow.

Thank you Ohio, thank you everyone else. Perhaps with your prayers I'm not as lost as I thought I was.

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My favorite room

>> Saturday, October 20, 2007

In my parents big new house we have a lot of these new fangled rooms that we didn't have in our old big house. For example, we have a bonus room. This room is really just a craft room but you can only enter it by going through either the bathroom or the library. The Library is another one of these new rooms we didn't have in my old house. I think this is mostly because we had so many bed rooms in my old house.

But... the library is my favorite room. It's actually two rooms with a large arched entry between the two. It has books in it. Lots of books. My mom is a librarian and between her, my dad and the rest of the family they have managed to acquire 10 bookshelves worth of books for themselves. Sorry 11. The room also contained a huge new desk that is absolutely amazing and beautiful. This is set up in the middle of the main room of the library. Behind it is another desk where my dad's ancient (four years old) pc sits. My laptop sits on the big desk and another older desk sists to the side and contained the router, cable modem and printers.

The Thomas Kincaid painting that my parents picked up in Hawaii sits on the floor leaning against one of the bookshelves just waiting to be hung. The phone outlet hangs out of the wall it's wires exposed to the prying public. The mid-sized closet is full of my Dad's old jackets in horrible fleece and even his old worn out leather one. With a few garment bags holding what must be some dresses of my mothers. I had no idea she had dresses that needed garment bags.

Only two of the bookshelves are in this, the outer room, of the library. They contain the children's fiction and romance novel sections of our library, I told you my mom was a librarian right? Next we move over to the reading area of the library.

A large black bean bag sits in the middle of the floor where I have placed it so as to be within easy reach of everything. A comfortable recline-able black leather chair and footrest/food rest sit in the other corner. The beanbag is nearest my guilty pleasure section. (Do not read the book: The Secret Journal of Brett Coulton by Kay Lynn Mangum by the way... such a horribly good read) LDS novels. Then it hits the church section. Travel books and reference media. Two lamps one the stain glassed touch kind that seem to be in every den known to man kind and another the large standing-room kind that was invented because apartments stopped putting in central lighting.

And on the desk, or on the floor near the bean bag. Somewhere near where I am, the vanilla cinnamon candle and a small box of matches.

What's your favorite room?

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Candles and Cinnamon Bears

>> Monday, October 15, 2007

In this big house where my parents live I sometimes have a hard time finding things. One day while glancing around and through cupboards I chanced upon a treasure trove of old memories. In the form of candles.

When I was younger, I'd spend a lot of my time in my room reading. Well, being as I was a prepubescent boy my hygiene wasn't exactly... exemplary. As such, the room began to smell, a little, of course since I was sitting in the room reading I didn't smell anything. But every time I, or my mother, opened the door the smell leaked out. And soon that little smell became a big smell. My mother asked me to keep the door and window open in an effort to allow fresh air in. That didn't work. So she gave me a candle.

It was a cinnamon vanilla candle from the Salt City Candle Company. I love the smell of that candle. But I'm a boy, so I didn't actually light the candle, just kept it in my room with the top off. My mother would come in occasionally and light the candle when the smell became... overpowering. The candle lasted years.

I think it no great surprise that I liked it so much. That smell became instantly associated with some of the happiest times of my youth. Sitting quietly in my room my mind safely whisked away to worlds where magic and dragons were real and love was how every story ended.

Looking back on those times I wonder if I have in my some innate love for the cinnamon smell it contained or if perhaps it's scent combined with those memories created in me a love for the scent. Either way, I am in love with all things cinnamon--except the actual taste of cinnamon which doesn't at all remind me of the smell and I don't really find very pleasing. There is only one universal exception to that rule... cinnamon bears. I love cinnamon bears. Let me restate that just in case you didn't understand it before. I love cinnamon bears. Emphasis on the love, accent it, bolded, etc., etc., ect.

In high school I would often go down to Macey's and purchase myself a pound or two of the sticky red substance. Only to devour it within hours. Now, cinnamon bears are one of the few things I've never been selfish of and would always offer to share my bears in the hopes that all could enjoy their tantalizing nature. Most of the time it served me well. But once, just once it led to one of the greatest violations of my young life.

There I was sitting in the movie theatre with a girl. Sharing my bears like always, they had been snuck in of course anyone who purchases candy at the movie theatres is silly. They sat calmly on my lap and anyone could reach and grab a few to be enjoyed in their seats. I passed them around as is wont to be done in such cases and then made sure that they returned, very promptly to me. You may think harshly of me for this, but I assure you I was only looking out for the thing which I loved.

Well, a girl (who... I guess you could call my date) was sitting next to me... she reached over and took the bag. I was flabbergasted. I had already passed the bag around in my perfunctory duty and here she was stealing my cinnamon bears. She had not asked for the bag, it was easily within reach of her hands but no that wasn't good enough she stole my cinnamon bears. I was flabbergasted. I was appalled. I would have none of that. I rallied my troops and went to rescue my hostage. But, and I can only assume that in her devious womanly nature she had planned this well in advance, somehow in the ensuing battle. There was a causality, my hand. This ruthless girl had traded my hand for the bag of cinnamon bears. Now at first I thought it a fair trade, but then... I realized what I was doing!

I was no spring chicken, I was a freshman at BYU! I knew what happened when girls held your hand, it's not pretty. I'll spare the details for those of you who happen to have maintained your innocence but I assure you... it's enough to make the hair on your chest curl. But still... I was willing to sacrifice for my cinnamon bears.

As should you. Do not allow them to take your precious sweets from you! NEVER GIVE UP! NEVER SURRENDER!

** The previous became a rant on the evils of womenkind because the author was again under the influence of the sweet, intoxicating aroma of cinnamon vanilla. He is not to be held accountable for his actions. And please... send him cinnamon bears, Georgia doesn't have bin candy! **

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Across the Country

>> Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Well, as some of you may know... and as most of you may not. I've moved. Across the country, to Georgia. I hate it.

For the longest time I've said that the only thing I feel these days is sadness and depression. But then I met... let's call her... Emily. Emily is a girl much like myself with all the issues and problems that arise from being like me. Emily moved to Spain, then I moved to Georgia. I thought I might love her... but now I realize that I don't, I'm fairly bad at showing the part of me that actually matters.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself...

I moved to Georgia because I felt it was the right thing to do, not because it was something that I wanted to do, or even really felt like doing. But because I NEEDED to do it. I think for the first time in a long time God managed to send me a message. I thought I had hit rock bottom... but I didn't. I think here I finally emotionally have. Rock bottom isn't full of depression, it isn't even full of anger. It's being alone. I've always felt alone, but now... now I am alone. I have come to realize how much I need other people.

I was asked what I'm doing... and the answer is exactly what the pause has indicated: nothing. I have become a void, dull.. listless. I even missed my To the Left by Th. I realize now... maybe just a little what outer darkness is all about, why being together with your family is so important. I know why people get up in the morning, why they move about and exist. It's for that hope, that chance, that maybe today... maybe today they'll find family. And if they've found it, they get up because... they've found it and you never want to lose that. You'll give up everything for that chance, that opportunity.

I miss everyone so much. I know what I want now... I've just got to find a way to remind myself of what it is that I want. Something that reminds me right when I wake up in the morning. To give me a reason to wake up.

-Me

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To DC

>> Sunday, June 24, 2007

Well, after a few miles I've successfully managed to make my way from Provo, UT -> Washington, DC via Goshen, IN. It is to date, the longest road trip I've ever made, although falling far short of the longest vacation but will achieve both of those ends in the near future. Which is sad... because the vast amount of legwork to be covered will be made without companionship in the car.

Thoughts on the Journey:

1. While sweets may sounds like a good idea, they very rarely are a good idea for a long road trip. Do not purchase too many of them, but rather enjoy a plethora of options for your food resources. Mainly focus on healthier foods because they won't make you sick after 4 hours of sleep in Iowa, and driving 12 hours the day before. With 10 more hours of driving the next day.

2. Our bodies are strange things, you learn this after having three people cramped in an 8 by 8 square for nigh on 48 hours straight.

3. Compromises are strange things.

4. I hate it when other people fail to do what they are supposed to do. I wonder how often I fall into that category?

5. I really kinda do like my family... who would have thunk.

6. I hate how easy it is for a girl to control the thoughts of a man. All I wanted was a few hours with my cousins. They are such cool people. Compromise will only make me feel better if you marry this girl soon. Otherwise... I hate you.

More info on the actual journey:

We started Friday at about 9 am. Jay drove through to Laramie on I-80. I drove from that point, where I started to drive. I drove from Laramie to... somewhere in eastern Nebraska. Along the way we found a fantastic lightning storm. Uncharacteristically dry but... it heralded the rain that would come in the subsequent 14 hours of driving. I miss Texan lightning storms. After Ryan picked up driving at about 11:30-12:00 we headed through the rest of Nebraska and on into Iowa. This is where I slept, in the back seat of the car... in the rain... Ryan drove for a few hours and then Jay took over again, he drove until 7-8 where I picked it back up just in time to drive through Chicago. I hate Chicago. I finished all the way through to Goshen, where my aunt and uncle live. We power napped, ate some real food, and showered in Goshen. From there Ryan drove another two hours (he hadn't slept the night before...) into Iowa. Jason finished up what was left of Ryan's 4 hour shift, I took over from just west of Penn through to Maryland. From which point I acted as Navigator to Jay as he finished up the last leg of the trip. Driving times:

Jason: 17.5
Cam: 18.5
Ryan: 6

Coming soon: DC, DC -> NY, Wicked, NY, NY -> GA, GA, GA -> Home.

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How I'm doing.

>> Wednesday, June 13, 2007

I was asked today how I was doing, and as I am in a habit of answering all such questions that are asked in earnest here goes:

1. 33.6 that's the standard answer.
2. I've been better, there are things in my life which I find amazingly worthwhile, but at the same time I am amazingly broke. So, I'm thinking about money issues a lot, or not thinking about them a lot depending upon the day. I need to get a new job, or at least another one. But I can't because I'm leaving town soon to go on a road trip I absolutly cannot afford in a car that needs repairs that I can't even dream of being able to pay for.
3. I'm listening to Josh Groban's The Prayer, which is amazing, and I am doing much better.
4. For the first time in a very, very long time I feel as though I am feeling again. I have a bad habit of shutting emotions away into a corner and ignoring them. I am making a conscious choice to feel and I am actually doing it from time to time. It hurts, I feel alone... a lot. I guess that's what happens when you spend most of your time shutting people out so that you won't feel. But God how I wish I felt loved sometimes.

Thank you for asking. I love it when people really mean it. How are you?

-C

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A song without Words

>> Monday, May 28, 2007

I'm going to wax arrogant for a moment. I'm fairly good with words, they come easily to me and... seem to be good friends in life. Not really spoken words, but written. But every now anad again I reach that ponit.

It's the point when the words fail me, the depression, anger, joy, hope, fear, love... they become wordless chimera's haunting at the very edges of my mind. It is in these moments that I must turn to alternative sources of expression. Sadly... I do not have many. I am not a great song writer, singer, painter, or sculptor. And thus the emotions sit there and burn unable to escape their prison.

Last night was one of those moments. I sat around a fire, isolated by the closeness of others. I sat while others enjoyed themselves dancing, or even the solitude of attempting to bear ones soul to another. I needed to purge, I needed the tears to fall. I could not say the words, I do not know the words that would have helped me. In that moment there was no avenue of expression that was open to my pursuit. It was an agony, dying, but unable to be killed. To quote Pirates. Again, my words fail me, the words of other fail me. I do not know how to release those Daitya plague my peace of mind and beg to be released but know not the path.


"If you will sing me a song without words
That will express the feelings I cannot write,
I will compose you a poem
That will release the music you can almost hear."
- Cathi Palmer

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Five questions

>> Friday, April 20, 2007

The idea is that you are asked five questions by another blogger... then people ask you for five questions and pass it on in that respect.

1. You're the only person I know who has met Chuck Norris. No one I know has seen you and Chuck Norris in the same room. ERGO, I think you ARE Chuck Norris. Am I getting warm? How warm?

Answer: See answer to #2.

2. For some reason I have never seen a photograph of you that I find looks like you. ERGO, I think you are a vampire. What's your favorite flavor?

Answer: Come now, first Chuck Norris and now a Vampire? The world itself could not contain the awesomeness that is me. Now to answer your first question, your question contradicts itself. Either I am the only person you know to have met Chuck Norris or I am Chuck Norris. I cannot be both at the same time, for we have many mutual friends. As for my favorite flavor, it's not so much the blood type that affects the taste of blood... but rather the person. I'm currently a fan of high maintaince blonds, they have a sort of... tangy taste to them, although I've always been a sucker for a red-head. (But you can't turn a red-head into a vampire... there skin just becomes too white to deal with.)

3. I just bought a bag of marshmallows and four bags of Reese's pieces (the 17oz ones) and I am not ashamed. What's something YOU are not ashamed of?

Answer: Nothing... and everything? You see I have come to the point that I don't even consider what other people think in regards to my actions... so I am neither proud of nor ashamed of anything I have done or will do.

4. Thirty-five years ago, neither of us was born. Thirty-five years from now, some people still won't be. Could you give us some examples?

Answer: Examples of people who still won't be born in the year 2043: My seventh-born son. Harry Potter, Tom Riddle and Albus Dumbledore. A strange crossbreed between man, thinking screwdrivers, and Whales. However, I will note that CATS will have been born at this time.

5. Nobody's looking! (Pause.) So...what did you do while no one was looking? Be honest now.

Looked around to make sure no one was looking.

Now! If you want to play, leave a comment and I will visit you (or email you) and ask you five questions all your very own. Or not. Whatever.

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A dreaming Svithe

>> Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I woke up this morning to a dream, not an uncommon thing for me to do... the dreams premise was thus: That I had been called back to finish off the last three months of my mission. So, after the typical very strange moments at the beginning of the dream where I was assigned my companionship (usually a threesome for some strange reason), and getting to know them. I got to experience my first companionship study. And... for some reason the district leader and his comp were there as well.

He posed a simple question, one which I can't now remember the exact verbiage of, but which goes something along the lines of: "What is the cause of all the world's woes?" One of my companions (who was a very attractive girl by the way...) answered half jokingly, "Wal-Mart." Which was funny but at the same time I can see why she thought that. Big business which separates people from each other, that removes the connections in life for the sake of convenience. But that wasn't the answer, so my DL asked me what the answer was.

The following was my answer:

"I am firmly of the conviction that any time someone goes out and breaks a law of the gospel it is because they are not having an emotional need met. Very few people in the world are so mentally deranged that on a happy, good day they would go out and kill someone. It is always because they are feeling a lack, a void, and they seek for something that will help them fill that void. If you feel as though no one loves you, then you will turn to a violation of the law of chastity or a chemical addiction in hopes that you will somehow meet that need. These people who do this... they aren't for the most part bad, they simply don't know how to fix the pain, and they are trying the best way they know how to feel complete, whole.

“It is our responsibility as missionaries, and as followers of Christ to show them the correct method of meeting that name, the way they can be filled without resorting to a counterfeit. We have been given a precious gift, the knowledge of how to be happy. It isn't always the easiest thing in the world to do; in fact it's going to be harder by far than any of the counterfeit options.

"It is my conviction that there is no NEED that God will not meet and give us in a timely and efficient manner. Now, there are plenty of wants that God will not give us at based off simple request, but no needs, absolutely none. He will be there to give us the necessities of life, and in doing so will give us some of the most sublime, and special moments of human existence. We must teach people to hunger for those moments. Make the fruits of the spirit our wants and we will never need again.”

I’m so very thankful that I could call this a dream and not a nightmare.

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Answers and a Svithe

>> Monday, April 09, 2007

Well, since you asked for it... and as I tend to like to please my readership. (Thank you all four of you.) The answers to the questions/requests posed.

Laulau: What do you mean about the grass? As for more clues, the bad guy in Movie M also played a part in 2 M. Night Shyamalan movies. Both characters, incidentally, were hard for me to enjoy on screen in those movies because of his performance in Movie M.


Morgan: I worry about me too sometimes. Luckily... so does my Father--in his hands is my path. For the guessing... see Laulau's comment.

Theric: The code (my code?) was actually conceptualized as a way for me to do what Elder Maxwell always recommended: "try to place each step, where he would have tred." As for the movie, see my response to Laulau.

The Svithe!

It is interesting how when you actually try and do what you should, doors open. I know that I'm not ready to go back to school... this is something that I can accept these days. Because I cannot go to school, I cannot work at the place where I previously had. So... I've been forced to find a new position, tonight as I was entertaining Rockflower's request to eat with her and Cpt. Jax's family... I was offered a informally offered a position with Cpt. Jax at his place of business. It is an idea I would love to take up. Cpt. Jax is an old friend of mine who I sadly haven't spent much time with since the two of them were married almost a year ago. (I'm still very sorry that I missed the wedding... I don't deal well with things like commitment... even other people's.)

Anyway, I guess... what I'm saying is this: Sometimes, the resonance comes when you least expect it.

As I re-read that post... I'm struck by how similar the issues presenting me then are with the ones presenting me today. I would despair that I might never recover except something a wise neighbor told me the other day... Which will be the REAL svithe I think.

We are all sent here to learn something from life. And we can't expect ourselves to learn that life lesson easily, or quickly. If it were easy... it wouldn't be the reason we were sent here.

My lesson? To discover how to love, others, deity, and most of all... myself.

-(The man behind the facade)

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Giving your Life for Something...

>> Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Tonight, I sinned.

I watched a rated-R movie unedited. I'm not ashamed of it, in fact... something that it proposed has become/will become the subject of this post. And so, without further ado, the post:

In the very last lines of Movie X(No, lets not call it movie X, x gets too much face time as a random variable, lets call it... *Movie M.) In the very last lines of Movie M, *Semi-love says, "Is *Idea worth one good man's life? He believed it to be so." Now, tragically in Movie M, *Hero did in fact give his life for Idea. But, I got to thinking (now, now, don't get mad at me for thinking, it's what I'm best at) Hero didn't in fact give his life for Idea, he died for Idea, there is a difference. (Which is of course, simply commenting on the actual reference in Movie M, not to the fact that he also lived for Idea prior to this event.)

What is the difference you ask? Well, to give your life means you must... live. To give your death means to make yourself a martyr for a cause. Now here come some rhetorical questions: Which is greater? Can you do the latter without first doing the former? Why is it of such great worth to do either?

Now for some answers (Yes, sometimes rhetorical questions have answers... I just don't want YOU to answer them--yet.) Neither is greater, but are of equal value. Yes(but not really). Because the only thing we have to give in all of existence to God. Is our agency, what we do with that freedom of choice... that is completely and utterly up to us.

This concept terrifies me. My life has not been a life worthy of a movie, nor has it been lived for an idea. My life has been lived for myself. It is a selfish life a life which, like so many times before, I will endeavor to change. So... I have been thinking what exactly out there is there for me to give my life to? Politics--I don't have the temperament or history. Knowledge/wisdom--knowledge/wisdom without application is useless. Action--again, action without knowledge/wisdom... useless. No, there must be an overarching concept, an idea comparable to Hero's Idea, to which I may devote my life and gain such pleasure and glory as to be carried by my fellow men upon their shields at my $death.

What is this concept? The easy answer: God. So many men have lived and died to God however, some good... and we won't(isn't won't a funny word? It's a contraction of will not...that's weird.) speak of the others. How do you live up to that? No, I have a much simpler... and perhaps more complex idea at hand. I propose to live my life in devotion to an idea. That man kind is in need of Brother's Keepers. From hence forth let me think no more of myself, but that in doing so I may better others. Starting now, the many shall be my focus, the individual my concern, the betterment of Earth my priority. Beginning today I will forget myself and get to work.

*As a game, I'm going to give everyone(as in... the three people who actually read this) an opportunity to guess at the actual names/theories behind the faux names given. Reply via private channels so as not to ruin the game for everyone else.

Movie M = ?
Semi-Love = ?
Idea = ?
Hero = ?

$ The act of carrying a man on shields is common in several cultures, the Nordic being the one that comes to mind. But, in essence it was given to warriors who died in battle, and had done one of the the following A. died in such a way as to bring great honor to them, or B. lived in such a way as to bring great honor to them.

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Rock Bottom

>> Monday, April 02, 2007

The time has come for a good talking to…

Yesterday, my neighbors decided to have an intervention for me. You see, about a month ago I quit a game called World of Warcraft because I felt as though it was consuming too much of my time. Little did I know, that the frequency with which I played had more in relation to an inner turmoil than any actual addiction. Everything came unraveled the week before my parents moved.

I can’t say that I’ve ever been very close to my family in any sense but the basest, proximity. But… lately I’ve been feeling a need which I have been unable to meet. In my distress I have turned to a new source, my family, and found some strength there. But it seems fate conspires against me in this. Two weeks ago my parents moved to Georgia.

Now, I said that everything came unraveled and I really do mean everything. I stopped even pretending I was in school, stopped going to work, ceased contact with friends, and severed connections with the heavens, I even grew a beard. I’ve taken some small steps towards recovery, but the road is distant. I’ve hit the rock at the bottom, and I think it finally knocked some sense into me.

I’m not really sure how to explain all of this, my sleep cycles are all messed up, I have trouble staying asleep, getting to sleep, and waking up. The inner core of me has run empty. I am left with a husk, But I’m going to try and breath life into it. And if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pray.

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Check Mate

>> Friday, March 30, 2007

The game is over. It has been for a while... but I've decided to stop playing.

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Pride and Prejudice

>> Monday, February 26, 2007

Having finished the book, I will now attempt to reveal my thoughts after my 7 hour perusal.

My manner of reading:

A short disclaimer, for the book was engaging...I read the first half of it from a website on my computer and the influence of my eyes caused it to be a slightly painful instance, which was my improved by the borrowing of said book from Lyndsay Hampton, of which I am most appreciative. Thus the first half of the book was read yesterday while the latter half was digested this morn, ending at approximately ten past three this Monday afternoon.

The Style

M(r)s Austin's writing style is engaging, relying to a great extent upon the reader's imagination to form physical description of the characters and places. The bulk of the book is related in dialog between characters or as monologues and written missives. As such very little action is needed and the whole reads most remarkably like a script from which the imagination is to provide the missing aspects of imagery and action.

It is a style that I find pleasing and while she is wordy, she does not leave the dreadful distaste for the canvas that sometimes comes after 6 pages of describing a couch that comes with some other authors of the age--coughHemingwaycough--

and is a delightful respite. Not only that but in that most of the message is communicated via the means of conversation it reads easily and does not require any reviewing of material to feel that the message is 'got.'

The Characters

The true treasure of the book lies in it's wonderfully robust characters. In that the book is divided principally into couples, I find the characters easy to describe in the same manner.

Mr/Mrs Bennett: Far and away some of the more entertaining characters in the book, each brings a savor and freshness that is quite incalculable in regards to the success of the book. From the absurdness of the mother to the...humor of the father. They quickly became some of my favorite characters and stayed there for the duration of it's pages.

Mr/Mrs Bingley: One of the more boring couples, which annoyingly had prominence in the plot. Each are more or less devoid of actual character and are instead portrayed as completed products from the beginning. Of particular interest to me is that while displaying Mrs Bingley as beautiful, no actual description was ever given, allowing for the reader to create for themselves the ideal of beauty.

Mr/Mrs Collins: Perhaps one of the few messages not central to Lizzy appears here as Charlotte putting aside her own personal aspirations accepts the...incalculably awkward Mr Collins to wed. Allowing for a growth in Lizzy as she comes to the realization that there is importance in marrying one of influence. An idea not commonly accepted as pure in our day and age of "love matching" but which finds merit in M(r)s Austin's works. I ponder upon the application that would happen if our society were to return a little more closely to status affecting our choices in life...And think that little of value would be lost if we were to return to the state of familial piety and honor that is enjoyed during that time in that place.

Mr/Mrs Wickham: An opposite for the next couple in all respects, and to me, they seem to have been thrown in simply to advertise the healthiness of the Darcy marriage. And nothing can so recommend them more than Mr Bennett's opinnion stated late in the volume: "I shall like all of my new sons-in-law, but Mr. Wickham the most."

Mr/Mrs Darcy: The main attraction of the book. Mr Darcy is far and away one of the best characters I've read of in literature. His general worthiness in all aspects of his life are such as to make him, aside from Jean val Jean, a man most worth of emulation. In all that he does he attempts to do the honorable, and just. Making every choice seemingly correctly. He does not experience much actual growth, except what would appear to be a general warming of his heart towards the end of the book, as seems appropriate for a man who has finally found joy and love in another. Elizabeth on the other hand...I have to admit I was unimpressed with our heroine, and for the most part found her unworthy in most respects for the admiration of Mr Darcy. Her virtues so less pointed out that in the end, she asks Mr Darcy why he began to love her, to which she herself responds that it was only because she had the gall to challenge him. Which is well enough I suppose as she had a lively mind and goodly wit, and was by no means physically repulsive. Which is apparently all one needs find in a woman--however much more is expected in a man. At least that is what it appears to me, now, by no means am I implying that I dislike the couple, merely that it seems to me Elizabeth grew more in the process of reading and still has much more left to grow. Which might be occasioned by her very youth.

Lady de Brough, Lydia, Miss Darcy, Miss Bingley, etc: Most of the other characters are there for the plot's convenience. And require no exceptional mention, but to say that they fulfill their roles remarkably well.

I do believe that my review should soon be concluded, but I shall now give my overall impression, that the book was worthy of the praise it has gotten, if, for the sake of Mr. Darcy alone regardless of it's many other charms.

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Jane Austin

>> Sunday, February 25, 2007

Those of you who know me...know that I HATE Jane Austin. Well...I got to thinking about it today while watching Emma and...well, the thought came to mind that I might just hate Jane Austin because I read her when I was very young and--embarrassingly--didn'

t get her. So...I've decided to give her another go. Why am I writing this? I want some suggestions as to which I should read.

So...please, tell me what you think, and why?

Sense and Sensibility
Pride and Prejudice
Emma
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey

That's the list, I want to read one of her books, not a short...so...

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Jealous

>> Friday, February 23, 2007

It comes quickly, from out of no where. It strikes without remorse into the most protected and precious parts of you. Worming through your body insidiously until it has eaten everything good and precious.

This thing called Jealousy, a horse that refuses to be tamed. It comes around women, in the work place, around good friends. It comes when we should be happy for others, when they accomplish something of importance.

You know, I don't really want to talk about abstracts right now, so instead I'll explain why I am feeling jealous. Please note, that this is not a solitary experience, this is a law of nature that applies to me and my relations with the opposite sex. There is a girl, that I met and thought, "Hey, I'd like to get to know her better." Said girl met me, but also some of my friends. Later, from a source we discover that she likes one of the people in that group of men she met. It has NEVER been me.

I'm really trying to discover my character flaw here, what is it about me is so lacking that others seem to have in such...abundance? I don't think I'm outrageously ugly, I have at least some sense of hygiene, I know the difference between there, they're and their and can use these words correctly. So what is it? Why am I always second or higher/lower(depending on how you look at it) on the scale?

If it happened once...or twice, that I could understand. But as I said before this seems to be a recurring theme. Last night, we watched Singing in the Rain. I felt like I was Donald O'conner. There, funny, extremely talented...but I don't get any of the girls, and really...I'm just there for comic relief and plot advancement. I really don't know why this bothers me so... and you know...at this point in my life I have a girl I'd like to date...and things are progressing...so it isn't even really so much an issue since I'm not REALLY interested in these girls anyway...and neither are my friends usually. I guess...I just don't feel special--and that's a hard thing to deal with.

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Sacrifices

>> Tuesday, February 20, 2007

How do you measure the value of a choice?

If I choose to shave, regardless of my ability to do so...does that make the action inherently more valuable? Does the fact that it will cost me more mean anything to anyone else? I've been told on several occasions that when I compliment someone it means more than if other people compliment...mostly because I so rarely compliment, and thus...the rarity of the act causes it to gain value.

There are things in my life that I know that I need to do, I don't want to do them however because they push me outside of my comfort zone, they require that I stretch and become something other than what I currently am. I am currently making steps in that direction...but progress is slow and unwieldy.

This...entry is all over the place and for that I apologize, it's strange how a choice someone else makes can affect your life in such a profound way. Hitler decides to take over Poland, and the lives of billions are changed forever. They had no say in this choice, they were sucked, irrevocably into the whirlwind of chaos that was the inevitable outcome. As such, my parents have similarly made a choice of magnitude for me. I have blocked feelings for so long that I'm not really sure what this feeling is...it becomes hard to recognize what they mean anymore. Is this fear? This churning of the stomach, the burning pith of a comment just out of reach to my tongue--is this how 'normal' people feel about the everyday foibles?

There is a core to all things, there is a core to this, these feelings of inadequacy and doubt. It's strange to think I actually believe myself inferior, I've maintained my ivory tower elitism for so long. But I don't think I can make it alone anymore, and the fear that the only people who ever really cared will now be hundreds of miles away...it scares me. Where can I turn for peace? Am I willing to accept that offering? God have mercy on my soul, give me strength I pray.

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Musings

>> Monday, February 05, 2007

I'm in a melancholic mood, so forgive me if this isn't up to snuff, this is written for you, but it isn't written to you. Yeah, I know, I'm strange.

For those of you who don't know, I am afflicted with an illness which makes me feel as though I should not have any kind of intimate relations. I use the word intimate is a very loose sense to mean any sort of romantic relationship. I feel that to do so would be making a commitment that my body is not prepared to keep. lately, I've been seeing a specialist for some of the more...interesting side effects of my illness.

The most difficult part about this whole thing...is that if you get into the habit of telling yourself that you can't have a relationship yet, that you need to wait, to see if things clear up, to see if you're at a point when you can make that commitment. Well, after a while you get so used to shunting emotions to the side that you stop realizing that you're doing it.

I'm afraid that there are very few indeed who are in on the inner workings of my mind enough to understand the esoteric nature of this post...and my apologies for those of you who are new here. Lately, I haven't written much, but I often times write so that I can express those...emotions that I so rarely put to the light of day. There is something cathartic about writing a missive that no one else reads...except that I have every intention of letting everyone read this. I'm not a very private person in a lot of ways, it's a defense mechanism. I let you see so much, in the hopes that the gardens will be so expansive that you will never guess or wonder at what the house contains. And so I walk the house alone, waiting for someone to care enough to walk past the gardens. And at the same time fighting tooth and nail to keep you there.

It's a strange dichotomy, I don't know how to share those parts of me anymore, the parts of me that are most precious. Know that in there, deep inside, the thorns of the garden are gone and I love you. I love you whole heartedly, for all the good that I see in you, for the pains that you hide, for the joys I sense surging through you. I wish I could help you...but I'm too afraid to leave the house.

-Cam

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