Exceeding Expectations

>> Saturday, October 22, 2005

Well... I think It's over, it started on about September 12th...and it is now over. My blog will now return to the state it should be. I appologize for the mess the past few weeks. Life will get back to normal again.

Things that I've been asked, and the answers I give:

Are you okay?
Yes.

Do you regreat it?
No.

Why?
Because I learned from it.

Are you over it?
Depend on what you mean by over it I suppose... I don't think I'll ever be 'over it' in the sense that I won't care that she is hurt or in trouble. But I am over it in every other sense.

I think that's about enough for now. Be good all.

-Asmond

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Was it...

>> Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Was it because I never had a chance? Was it because I was mean? Was it because I was too easy? Was it because I didn’t dress well enough? Was it because I wasn’t rich? Was it because I never needed anything? Was it because I was religious?

There are a thousand ‘was it’s’ going through my head right now. I don’t know why, I don’t understand the reason things turned out the way they did. I tried my hardest, what is so much better about him that he was preferred over me?

I need to just get rid of this, I need to get over her. Why should it matter? I know the reasons I chose not to pursue anything further. I can rationalize these things away in my head all I want, but the fact of the matter comes down to the fact…I still have hope I still haven’t gotten over it. I’ve gone on dates; I hope to go on more dates with some of them. But…

It’s hard to argue with your heart.

-Asmond

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Ruminations

>> Friday, October 14, 2005

Here I am, at a computer at 12:36 am on a Saturday wondering to myself why I keep doing it? Why do I keep banging my head against the wall, and with each ever so slight crack I renew my energy four-fold...but is it worth it?

There are soo many roads for me to pick, how do I know which is right for me? How do you fight against 12 years of experience? Which path do His steps take? There have been soo many travelers on these roads, it was so long ago that He walked them. Do I take the first step, do I dare to step into the dark to put that much faith in God that there will be some ground there for me to land on? I tried to walk away, it didn't work. What would be best for the other people involved? Where do I find the answers? I feel stupid, I just wrote an entire post trying to help someone else with their doubts, but there still lurks somewhere on the edge doubts just as large and strong.

But at the same time...there is no doubt in my mind I have faith now, something I don't think I've ever had before. I have faith and now I need to make the sacrifice. Can I give that much?

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Answers to a Question

>> Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I apologize to everyone but this post is going to be remarkably religious. This is intended as an answer to several of my friend’s and their wonderment at the church and it’s lack of ‘factual proof.’ Actually in an attempt to categorize all of the things I wanted to talk about I went through and realized that I only have the patience for one such reply, Sorry BAWB…plus Smurfs did it soooo well.

So, this will in fact be a response only to Belcinismo
Here you go:

Hypocrites among the Members of the Church

Okay so perhaps you didn’t put it quite so harshly…but that is what it boils down to. The fact of the matter is, that unfortunately not everyone in the church is perfectly converted to the gospel. Thus, we all have failings, some of us make those mistakes early and in fixing them acquire the knowledge of repentance, and the pain that it brings, as well as an empathy for those who are going through similar circumstances. Now a problem arises when people ‘don’t make mistakes.’ Note the quotation marks. Everyone makes mistakes but sometimes they're smaller; and when they are smaller its easier to explain them away or go through a ‘mini-repentance’ process (Something that I don’t believe in, I think that these are some of the hardest sins to repent of, because it is most difficult to feel the sorrow that is needed to truly repent.) And in this state of near perfection, look down on those who have made larger mistakes.

However, they don’t realize that a violation of the law is a violation of the whole law (James 2:10). And are thus as eternally damned for lieing as they are for murder. In this state of non-awareness they can rationalize away their harsher view of others based on a misguided conception that because their sins are ‘smaller’ they are somehow less in need of the Atonement. And somehow that makes them superior.

Deemed my goals and dreams unacceptable. (girl becoming a doctor)

I had to do a little more background research (I read the entry right before this one) but I discovered that your, ‘goal and dream’ is to become a doctor and thus will base my reply on that point and gender roles in general.

On becoming a doctor, I have nothing against it, in fact I believe that if you have the talent and ability it is your responsibility to do it. That is a very noble profession and one in which much is required and little is given back—when done how I think it really should be done. That aside…gender roles in the church.

Being male I’m can’t really empathize with you, but I do know that within yourself you have conflicting emotions about this, again from the last post. I think that we can say what in general is best for children(a mother at home, while the father brings home the bacon and spends quality time with his children)…but what is best in specific for YOUR children…I don’t know. That is something that requires a personal relationship with the Father and a lot of prayer. Which I’ll talk about under the faith and answers to prayer section.

Desire for intelligence and independence –nearly sinful stigma

I guess I don’t really understand this question… I suppose that there are some people who can see life this way, but I personally am looking for an intelligent and independent girl. I don’t want someone who blindly follows the herd, but rather someone who can go head-to-head with me and come out on top--sometimes(I do have an ego to keep inflated afterall). But I do know people/men who want to have a wife like the person I’m imagining, and I’ve had a friend who thought that was what men wanted out of her to the point that she became it. And it was infuriating talking to her…she always agreed with what I said even if I changed positions half-way through a ‘discussion.’ (One can hardly call them that.)

Why would God give me abilities he doesn’t intend for me to use?

See above answer on goals and dreams. But also: D&C 6:10, which is a passage given to Oliver Cowdry when he was questioning his faith. Gifts are given to be used you might not know how the Lord wishes you to use them, but take advantage of them and sooner or later that use will become apparent. Another interesting note to remember, your gifts are, in a large part, a result of your actions and choices in the pre-existence.

Feeling at odds with things that the church teaches.

Tell me what you feel at odds with and I’ll decide if you’re going to hell or not. No in all seriousness…there are things we all struggle with understanding. For me, doctrines like polygamy and the atonement(not that it exists but the justice in it.) These are there so that we can excercise faith. It requires a measure of sacrifice to step into the dark, not knowing the how or the why.

‘Expected’ to condemn people for things ‘they cannot control.’

Who ever told you that you are expected to condemn anyone? I’ve been told lots that I’m not supposed too… but judging others would make things sooo much easier. As for thinking ill of those with homosexual desires I disagree. I have several friends that struggle with these ‘things they cannot control’ as you say. It’s a challenge they were given, the desires are things they cannot control, but their own actions based on those desires are under their complete control. And just as my desires must be curbed sometimes their desires must also. Hum, re-reading that it seems rather callous, but I don’t know how to make it sound nicer, just as I struggle with the desire to sit in bed and do nothing but dream, or play video games all day (signs of a deep depression in Asmond), others must sacrifice their wants and desires to follow the Gospel path. It isn’t what we sacrifice that is important it is that we sacrifice, and the reasons we do it.

As for supporting those who ‘deprive them of ‘normal lives, equal rights, and loving relationships’’ Your attraction doesn’t guarantee a happy relationship under any circumstances. It is possible to love someone without physical attraction though, in fact I’d say that it’s impossible to love someone because of physical attraction. Equal rights? I don’t get that, what right do they not have which we do?

Family in the plan…

As far as where your family fits in the plan…I don’t know, I don’t know your family and I don’t know the whole plan. That makes ellaborating these things difficult. However I think generically speaking, your family is loved by God and he has placed you and them, here in the situations which are needed-both the trials and the blessings-in order for you to make the needed sacrifices to obtain sufficent faith in Christ. And thus allowing you to be cleansed from your sins, pains, weakness, and concerns--To enter into the presence of the Father.

Ideal is a rarity.

Yes it is, that is why it is called the ideal. In fact it’s impossible. That’s why it is an ideal. We cannot achieve it, but we can strive to be as close to it as possible. There are people who achieve lives that from the outside looking in appear to be very close to the ideal, but they aren’t perfect and there is still much room to cover before they get there. In this goal we must look upon our own insufficences to act in a manner that is anything less than our best as a failure. The problem comes in when we start comparing ourselves to others and making judgment calls. Sound familiar?

Less-than-ideal situations looked down upon or patronized.

See above for the looked down upon. Being patronized isn’t really a bad thing…it just means that they want to help you, and don’t know how. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Faith, why it is needed? And why don’t I get a response to my prayers?

A biggie. First of all, we must understand what Faith is. There are several definitions which are good. A motivating confidence in God. A belief in things which are not seen which are true. The hope of things unseen. I don’t like them though, they are incomplete. There is something missing in all of them, even together there is something missing. Faith is a hope that God is there, and that he will be able to do the things which he promises us, that hope then motivates us to act in such a way so as to reap the results of those promises. But it is more, more than just the words that I tell you, it is…beyond my ability to explain it must be felt. It must be experienced. One that I only recently came to enjoy.

Why don’t you get a response to your prayers? Could be a lot of reasons, my very crude guess is that you lack faith in his ability to answer you. Answers to prayer require that we first believe that there is someone out there who loves us and is willing and able to answer us. Something I struggle with, something I think everyone struggles with. We have to have faith in his ability to answer us before he can. But at the same time…we are given experiences and answers to help us strengthen our faith to the point that we can believe, I guess you could say that to the point that our faith allows he answers us. Joseph Smith had great faith, and the Father and the Son appeared to him. I have a realitivly small amount and I simply recieve thoughts, impressions, concepts that won’t leave me alone. One one or two occasions which I hold very precious...the thoughts were almost like words whispered to me. But feeling the spirit takes some delicate sensibilites.

I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone with these answers…that was not my intent. I also thank anyone who has read this far. It has been something I learned from. So I pray the spirit may accompany it. What I learned goes along perhapse with something I studied today.

“Yea, it is the love of God which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all other things.
"And he spake unto me, saying: Yea, and the most joyous to the soul.”

The correction is important. It is this love that is desirable, it is the very source of happiness in life. The gospel isn't something you can dissect, it isn't something you can twist and turn and take apart. It must be studyed in it's entirity. Then allowed to become a part of us, a part that forever changes the course of our lives.

-Asmond

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My room-mates are the greatest.

>> Tuesday, October 11, 2005

And by room-mates I mean all but the mean purple one. I don't like him one bit. Okay, so maybe I tolerate him and even enjoy his company SOMETIMES. So aside from mean purple room-mate, here-after known as: Murple, I LOVE my room-mates.

Take Gordo, he's the long-term resident, and quite the good kid. Not the best of the room-mates which I have, but he provides me with entertainment on occasion, cleans on occasion and bought a TV so that I could play PS2! Go Gordo! (And yes, I do call him that to his face.)

Next, Smurfs. This kid is just amazing. He has a testimony and it's something that is actually discussed quite often around him. He sees through me more often than not and always understands what I'm saying...even when I'm being (what I think) is super cryptic. I suppose I should get some lessons in being cryptographic from SHE...her blog is freaking impossible to read unless you possess the Urim and Thummin. Anyway, back to Smurfs. Yes, he is a little messy but he at least keeps his mess on his side of the room, whereas I scatter mine throughout the house and my side of the room is immaculate. His is concentrated. And he isn't ashamed of that and I love him for it. (If you steal my laundry baskets and leave them blocking the door again I swear I'll eat you though.) He's a good friend in times of need and always there when you need him. I'm jealous of him in a lot of ways, but we all have challenges ne?

BAWB...where do I begin. He is simply amazing as I've been writing this I've been eating some Nachos that he brought home. Amazing kid, I don't know how he became so completely self-less but I wish I could be more like him, I'm far too stubborn most of the time. He thinks he is confused about the gospel and what he is to do with his life, but he just thinks too much. He's got the basics down and, much, much more importantly, lives them, he just needs to work on faith. Ahh, and yet another example of why I love BAWB, Gordo just walked in and asked where I got the nacho's...BAWB instead of coming out of his room, IM'ed me with where he got them. I love it. And thanks again for the Nachos. They were much better than my cup-o-noodles.

On a side note, spent some time with SHE, she told me to go straight home and into bed after drinking some 'erbal tea. And I'm glad she did, because I was feeling in a disobedient mood, so I took a long way home (about two miles longer than the 3 blocks from her house to mine), drank the tea (ewwwwwww), and stayed up another two hours. I love being disobedient.

--Asmond

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An old new friend

>> Monday, October 10, 2005

Well, the old friend is back, I'll be seeing him once a day for who knows how long, I can't believe it came to this.

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I wana talk about me, wanna talk about I, wanna talk about number one on my, me mind.

>> Sunday, October 09, 2005

You know the last few days I've been trying to understand this sense of...pull that I seem to be afflicted with. It all started as I finished off my book on The Battle of Bata’ an (the first major conflict in the Pacific after Pearl Harbor) I was sitting in the courtyard of the JSFB on the fountain feeling spectacularly uncomfortable with my rather bony body on the hard marble, and fighting off nature's call (a direct result of the running water just next to me I'm sure), just as the book began it's retelling of the last few days of the US military on Bata’ an. Just at that moment the national anthem was broadcast over the PA system.

Something stirred in my heart and I came to the realization that this song meant more to me than I usually give it credit for. It means that I'm willing to put with discomforts for other people, which I'm willing to do anything I can so that others might have that sense of amazing freedom that opened up in my soul that day. I’ve been incredibly blessed, I have enough food, I don’t have to fight to survive, I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, I believe in the Book of Mormon and modern revelation, I have a family that loves me, I have wonderful friends that care about me.

So why do I feel so unfulfilled in life?

I wish I could discover what it is that other people think about me…I really just don’t understand. What is it that people enjoy about other people? For example, there is currently a girl that I absolutely love talking to, she is funny and she shoots me down about as much as I bounce back, which is fine because I don’t mind being shot down except when I’m being serious (which isn’t very often) and most people I think just get offended by what I say…but this girl just rolls with the punches if you will. We have similar interests, all that other junk…but I know that this isn’t something that could develop into something more than just that… And I really don’t know if she even enjoys my company as much as I enjoy hers, heck I don’t know anything anymore.

Before this summer…maybe even so far back as before my mission I felt like I was at least in partial control of my life. I feel like a part of me is missing some quickening influence in my life is gone. And I miss it. I’m not as smart as I was, not as caring, not as good a friend. I just don’t know how to handle this…so what do I do? I try to work harder I try to be the person I was but it just isn’t there anymore. I feel like I’ve had a piece of me ripped off and I have this hole…just sitting there and I have no way to fill it. I don’t even know what it is that I’m missing. All I want is to stop having so many insecurities around me, to stop having to worry if they want to be my friend or not. I just want life to be normal again, I want it…

The word I was said far too much in the past few paragraphs. Maybe that is the problem; my life has become focused on me. God help me, I don’t have the strength for this one.

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French Bashing

>> Sunday, October 02, 2005

Gargh, I just posted a wonderfully long post....and I apparently wasn't logged in and lost it. To the last edge of oblivion to you blogger! I will now attempt to recreate.

In an effort to find some sort of meaningful world accomplishment of the French I went in search of some sort of good thing I could bring up in parties...you know something that I could use to make those French people feel at ease and well liked in America since they obviously saw the error of their ways and are now...here.

So in accordance with this my desire I retired to a grove of trees near my home that I might offer up...whoops sorry. So I went looking. I would like you to join me in the steps that led to my renewed appreciation of French life. First stop? Google. Next step? Type in, "French Military Victories." Now simply click the, "I'm feeling lucky!" button and you will see the same beautiful result that met my eyes. Click the link. You will discover a treatise on French military efforts for the past two millennia. I do so hope you enjoy.

Of particular import I'd like to mention the two basic laws of French warfare:

Rule 1: French forces can only be victorious when led by non-French leaders. (Attributed to Joan of Ark, who was sainted for her discovery)
Rule 2: French forces can only win a war when America does most of the Fighting. (Attributed to the result of the American Revolution, but can be epitomized in both world wars, panama and Korea.)

Also a wonderful jab at the Maginot line. Ahh such wonders to the avid French lover like myself.

In other news: I consumed 4 kilos of chocolate and 1.75 gallons of ice cream over the weekend. I'm likely to get a headache. The reason? I've given up on SHE for good this time. I need something more out of life, but still I think I'll go eat some more chocolate and throw myself into my studies, something that has been suffering for the past few weeks. Nevermore!

--Asmond

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