Going Again

At the urging of my bishop, I have begun visiting with a professional pyshcatrist. I've tried to think what exactly that means for me.

One of the things that I think was particularly interest was that she said they only typically do around 16 sessions. Sixteen doesn't seem like a very large number considering that you are attempting to get someone sorted out and functional within society again. But perhaps that really is all that you need.

I'm just so tired of being alone, I'm so tired of having no one in this life to turn to. There is only so much that the savior can do for me. Yes, I know that he loves me, and yes I know that his is a perfect, undying love. But I also know that except under very special circumstances, that love is a love without physicality. I want more than anything someone who I can hold as I watch the stars. I want to feel her shiver and snuggle in closer as the wind blows. I want to sit there and whisper the inane, silly things about life and have her giggle back. I want to wake up excited in the morning to hear what she has to say. I want to feel that tingle down my spine as my hand brushes against hers. I want to feel fire from my fingertips to my toes when I realize that something I have done caused her pain, I want to have the desire to, above all else, remedy that failure of mine. But most of all, I want someone whom I can share my life with. I want someone who understands me and whom I don't have to feel like I need to dress up in order to keep them around. Unconditional love from a mortal.

Is that even possible? Are their marriages out there that end up like this? Or is that just a thing that happens while you date? I don't want to settle, can people find that oneness in God? I want to feel pain again, because I want to love again. Why is it so hard to open your heart to someone?

-Asmond

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