Complete Control

>> Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I my dreams I have complete control over what happens. If someone does something that I don't want them too I simply rewind the dream and prest-o magic-o I have myself a new ending to the story. I'm actually going to say that that is the case in MOST of my dreams, every now and again I get a dream where I can't control, these are RARE. Think one every two years or so. Well, these dreams have very strange...results in my life.

You see most of the time I feel like I am at least moderatly in control of the world around me, I can judge people well enough that if they don't act the way I want them too, I can at least perdict how they are going to act. That gives me a sense of being in control. However, when these dreams come around they are usually followed by periods of intense inability to think straight, to perdict the world around me, or remember things that I should be able to remember. Which in turn makes me feel even more powerless(strange terms we have there), and more on edge.

So, as I slowly circle around in this spiraling vortex of doom I wonder to myself if I will ever accomplish anything that will get me out, if I will ever be in control again?

That's when I turn and rest more heavily upon God. I need him to get me out of this, and he is there to help me when I need it.

On a side note, as I was walking into the WSC today I thought to myself, "I wonder if John is going to be in there today." Not really thinking--John, you see, is my cousin that died just before school ended last semester--but then as I waited to hear his laugh, I sat near an old friend. She had been in his ward when he died, and she brought him up, and then his almost fiancee sat down next to me. I wondered if she remembered me, if she realized that by coming to lunch today she would be reminded of the things that could have meant so much.

And as I sat and wondered, another old friend from HS came and talking to him, I discovered that... Indeed he was a father. Not JUST married, but a father. I felt old, I felt really old. So I am going to do the only rational thing a person in my position can do. I'm going to go for a nice long walk and then I'm going to go buy some ice cream and I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat almost all of it, and while I'm at it I might just buy some Cinimon Bears and chocolate milk. Maybe some chocolate. Because nothing says, You're in control of life like consuming mass amounts of sugar.

-Asmond

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Random

>> Sunday, September 25, 2005

Some kinda random things that I've been thinking about lately...

"Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks."
"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
"Breathes there a man with soul so dead, who never to himself hath said, "This is mine own, my native land."...doubly dying will go down, into the vile dust from whence he came, unwept, unhonored and unsung."
"Should we not kneel down and scooping the precious substnace to our lips, partake as if famished?"
"What are you about?"
"Who are you supposed to be?"
"Everything is relative, there are no absolutes."
"And we are here as on a darkening plain, Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight, where ignorant armies clash by night."
"What is something you care about, so that we can tease you back."

-Asmond

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Maybe not

>> Friday, September 23, 2005

Maybe I cannot be Asmond anymore.
Maybe I was meant to be crooked nose.

You see I was doing some research into name meanings, and I discovered that Asmond is probably a mutation of a word that means "Devine Protector." Which as SHE once told me, is the goal that I want to have in life. I want to save everyone from the pain that they feel. I want to save everyone else, but I can't seem to save myself. I'm stuck being crooked nose for the rest of my life. I cannot be Asmond beyond the realm of the digits that make up the electronic world. So I'm forced to live with crooked nose.

What does that mean? Well, it means that maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am, maybe I'm not as good at helping people as I need to be, maybe I'm not as wise as I should be, maybe I'm not as _____ fill in the blank with attribute of godliness as I need to be.

As I need to be...what the Hades does that mean? What do I think I am? What do I need to be? Do I need to be superman? Is that what God needs me to be? Does God need me to be anything? No. Is it what God wants me to be? I'm not sure. I don't think he wants me to be Clark Kent, that I know for sure. But Superman? Does he want me to be superman?

Can I BE superman? Can I be Asmond? Can I be good enough for anyone to want to be around me? Does anyone want to be around Superman? Too many questions, too many things that I just haven't figured out just yet. Am I supposed to have them figured out? Maybe not. Maybe I'm just here to be Crooked Nose, to let Alexander have his part and Crooked Nose his. Maybe, maybe not.

-Asmond

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Unwanted Blessings

>> Monday, September 19, 2005

I've been tossing this idea around for a while, and can't really figure out what to call it. Let me explain my predicament.

These past few weeks I've been complaining about a lot of things, and it seems like every time I complain about something, God sends the smack down and gives me the thing I'm complaining about not having. Well, naturally I've been feeling fairly non-appreciative for all of the things that He has been giving me. So I've kinda named these blessings unwanted ones, because I think deep down I want to complain about them, and he just keeps blessing me so I have to find something else to complain about. Why is that? Why am I so determined to be unhappy that I refuse the joy that is staring me full dead in the eyes. Yeah, talk about a stupid little kid.

So, in light of these things I've been kind of keeping a mental list of the unexpected great things that happen in life.

I ate a cookie, and was complaining in my head about how dry it was. SHE offered me a glass of milk.
I was whining about my romantic life, SHE showed up at my house.
I was worried about money issues, BYU is giving me 350 dollars.
I complained about walking everywhere, my parents paid to have my car fixed.
I whined about not having anyone I could trust with things, he gave me someone I wanted to trust.
I wanted to be able to serve people but not be seen, I got a calling as a ward clerk.
I felt disconnected with my family, both of the twins called me and asked to do things with me.
I was feeling depressed and unloved, Wiggle called and forced me to go do something with my life. Random people in my ward asked why I hadn't come and visited them recently, several of them. A girl told me that my looks were 'more on the beneficial side,' and that when I smiled it, 'lit up my whole face.'

Countless others that I wish I could remember but can't. I guess the thing that I'm so happy about is the fact that God knows who I am and is giving me the things I need (which I think right now are really the things I need and not only the things I want) I'm not really sure what he has in store for me, I know these blessings aren't going to come forever, but I'm enjoying them while they are here and maybe I'll learn to appreciate them even when they're gone and I'm given real challenges again.

But in the mean time, I'd like to thank all of the people out there who have played a role in helping me feel better, you are Gods angels' for me, and I hope you know how much I love and esteem you for it. I hope someday I'll be able to do the same for you.

-Asmond

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An Elaboration of the Past

>> Sunday, September 11, 2005

Well, the past few days I've been leaving random really cryptic posts on my blog. I've determined that it is time to explain why, to hades with who reads this, I've always written it for myself anyway and I NEED TO DO THIS. Otherwise I'll never really understand what's happening and I'll go crazy.

Tuesday, I met an amazing girl. Attractive, funny, etc., etc., all of the things you could ever ask for in a woman rolled into an amazing little blonde package. Well, I determined that I would ask her on a date and see if lAFS(like at first sight) was all it was cracked up to be. So I do, I ask her to go on a walk with me, she agrees and we make the needed arraignments for later that night. We went for the walk, had Ruby Thai's and I decided that lAFS was amazing, really just enjoyed the night, and was even more fully amazed at this girl. She seemed too good to be true--I guess that should be an indication. She climbed a tree for me, and we talked in it for a good long while, and then we watched the stars for a bit.

Thursday I went through the amazingly strange feeling in my stomach that I guess normal people associate with crushes, Yeah, I guess that's what it was. Anyway, I figured out an excuse to go and visit her and see her. The stomach flips went away for the night.

Friday: I had asked SHE if she would like to go up to a concert on Temple Square with me. She agreed. So we went. I made wonderfully yummy fajita's--which I finished right before starting this post--for dinner and we headed up to SLC with my roomie and his friend. We get there and things are going...so-so, not as great as I could have hoped for, but not bad. Well, we get into the concert after a minimum of hassel and we start listening to the music.

Let me explain a little bit about me and classical music. I had been expecting this to be a concert of bells...whatever that is, not classical music in my head. It wasn't. During my really depressed days I listened to classical music and showtune music(les mis and phantom), a lot. It came to depict the sadness that was inside of me in my head. Something only enhanced when I listen to it live. I thought I'd gotten over my past depression...but this music seems to be a key that connects the dark past with the present, and thus I avoid it generally.

Well, there I was stuck, I couldn't just walk out now, I had to listen to it. But I thought I could do it. A very nice piano piece that I enjoyed, then a trumpet piece which was alright... Well, it started going down hill from there, I don't want to say that the images came back to me, but I started getting those feelings that I'd had years before, and it was only 8 or 9 pieces into the concert. I knew I was in trouble, but I still couldn't leave. Then the Tennor started singing. He sang some song in another language and then, he sang the one from Les Mis that I posted earlier. It was the straw that broke the back, I couldn't handle it anymore, I had to leave. So I ran.

I ran to the restroom, and there all of the emotions that I'd kept bottled for so many years overwhelmed me. I felt dirty, I felt worthless. The scripture that always seems to come to mind in times like this came: "Who shall ascend to the mount of the Lord? He who hath clean hands and a pure heart." Well, I can't do anything about my heart, but I can clean my hands, so I washed them about nine times and drying them, still feeling filthy, go back. I see the granite that was hewn to form the temple and I just can't handle it. Those are clean hands, mine are still filthy, and I'll never have the faith, the hope the peace that they have. I'll never amount to the same things that these men did. I will never mean anything.

I go back to the concert and listen to the last few pieces. We then leave, SHE realizes something is wrong when I don't speak to answer her questions, she tries to cheer me up. Something that never works. Except that this time it did. I actually felt better. Then the night was over and I was left to the memories once again. But this time, SHE wasn't there to fix it, and I gave in.

The last few days those memories have haunted my waking thoughts, the lurk beneath my lids when I try to sleep. They are slowly eating away at my soul. Well, I can't handle it anymore, I already called uncle, but it didn't work, they are still there. No one can fix this, no one on Earth, and so I must now turn to he who suffered these things for me. I'm going to end this soon, I need to sleep tonight and I need Him before I close my eyes.

So, I've given up on SHE for now, I need Him before I can hope for a relationship and I can't live with these memories unless someone is there to take them from me permanetly. I'm really going to say uncle this time. But I'm going to say it to the right person.

That is all for now, may your sleep be peaceful and your joys full.

-Asmond

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Bring him home,
Les Miserables

God on high, hear my prayer.
In my need you have always been there.
He is young, he's afraid.
Let him rest, Heaven blessed.
Bring him home.
Bring him home.
Bring him home.

He's like the son I might have known
if God had granted me a son.
The summers die, one by one.
How soon they fly on and on.
And I am old and will be gone...

Bring him peace, bring him joy.
He is young. He is only a boy.
You can take. You can give.
Let him be. Let him live.
If I die, let me die.
Let him live.
Bring him home.
Bring him home.
Bring him home.

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The day

>> Saturday, September 10, 2005

Cheetos.

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A conversation

"How am I supposed to do it I'm not ____ enough?"
"I don't."
"Then why give it to me?"
"So you could give it to me."
"I don't understand."
"I know."
"When will I?"
"When you give it to me."
"How?"
"Just do it until you understand."
"But...I can't, I'm not ____."
"I know, just do what you can and let me do the rest."
"I don't..."
"I know."

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Too much

How the heck do normal people do this?

-Asmond

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Prayers

>> Thursday, September 08, 2005

A cry runs through the night,
"Father, I do not have the strength."
The silence whispers back,
Intangible caresses.
The heart once sealed is open,
The heart once safe can be broken.

"Forgive me my fears."
Horse voices in the dark.
A grimace to the world,
A smile unveiled.
The child held back-loosed,
The child held close.

Empty sobs breaking shafts of light,
"Help me remember."
A soul on the gusts of time,
Seeking hope long forgotten.
The mind set afire by a thought,
The mind set on a course.

"I will do, I will go, I will be."

-Asmond

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Anon. Comments and a Picture

>> Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Due to a large influx of spam comments on my blog I have disabled anon comments. I appologize to the anon who thinks I'm the greatest and would like to marry me. You'll just have to give me your name. On a side and somewhat related note: I have determined to post a picture of myself. However it is going to be on my Blue-Beta avatar. That way only those to whom I have a small possibility of knowing will see it. Also I have updated the links to blogs that I actually read on a frequent basis if you'd like yours added on...mail me and I'll read it. :) Asmondw@hotmail.com

Enjoy!

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Smile now, Cry later

Today I stated that I was orange.

Which is true...I suppose. I just often feel as though I live in a world where the real me hides behind the orange mask of me. On my mission I talked to a gentleman whom had fallen away from the church and had tattoos all over his body. One in particular caught my attention. It was that of a clown, split down the center. On one side the laughing smiling face that the clown must show to the public. The other, a crying frowning clown that was the face he showed no one. Now of course in his case this was a representation of a life of immediate gratification at the cost of future pain.

However I think it applies to myself. I have often-times called myself the Jester. Always the centre of attention but never really accepted as an equal among those whom I associate. The one to be called upon to entertain the one to send away when 'real' matters become the subject of thought.

I'm not sure where this is going... but I guess I'm just feeling as though I am missing out on some sort of vital life experience because I have managed to emotionally distance myself from people. Well, the problem there-in lies that I also distance myself from all emotion.

That includes the good ones. But recently as I've tried to recreate a sense of spiritual fervor but it's hard when you've voided emotion for so long. I want a relationship with God, because I want a relationship with those around me. I don't know how to open up my emotions to people. My thoughts yes...but I can't seem to share how I feel with them. Maybe it's a male thing. Maybe I just don't know what the heck to say because that bloody "Y" chromosome keeps getting in the way. But I think not. When I read the scriptures lately I keep getting this feeling of longing.

Not from my side of the pages but from HIS. He wants me to come to him, he wants me to give him my problems, he wants it more than I want to give it to him. But I can't. I've been trying cry for weeks. The things that I've gone through need tears, but I can't give them. I can't break the walls I've built around my feelings. I've come close but my defense mechanisms always jump in and prevent me from going any further.

Will I always be so emotionally dead?
Why would God want to give me his love more than I want to receive it?

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