Eden

>> Saturday, December 20, 2008

I'm at my best friend's cabin. I can't recall if I've talked about the cabin on here before or not... but it's pretty dang amazing. I'm one of the only people here who doesn't really care a whit for football, but they are currently watching the BYU game. Seems like they are enjoying themselves, so I can't really complain.

I had an opportunity this afternoon to sit and wait at the gate while a car was coming up so that I could let them in and then shuttle their belongings and them up past the point where cars cannot go and snowmobiles are the only means of transportation. As I sat there for... oh, it probably ended up being somewhere near 45 minutes I had an opportunity to think about a lot of things. Particularly the beauty of the world around me. As I thought about that, and the fact that I am not likely to see Eve again for quite some time.

I know I haven't talked about Eve... she's a girl who I have been on many dates with recently. She is leaving for Spain at the end of the month and is at home until then. Hopefully I'll be able to visit her sometime during the break but if not... I miss her a lot.

She's one of the most stellar people I have ever met, gorgeous, intelligent and funny. I spent most of the past three weeks in her company and she is the point of the post prior to this one. The thing that makes me like Eve the most is that she makes me want to be a better person. It's hard to imagine why she seems to like me back but it amazes me every time she looks at me and smiles or reaches across to touch me.

This isn't going to be about Eve, but her presence in my head helps to make this place a paradise, an Eden for which I am thankful to God.

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Controlling

>> Friday, December 12, 2008

Repeat to myself:

I have no right to be jealous.
I have no right to be angry.
I have no right to be hurt.
She did nothing wrong.

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Seeing Pain

>> Tuesday, December 09, 2008

So, when I look at people I can see their pains. I've gotten pretty good at identifying the sources of these pains, and can usually tell you the things a person struggles with. Some people are better at hiding it than others, but for the most part, I have a large degree of empathy.

For this reason, in High School, I decided to stop feeling. As a teenager I was confused by my own emotions, let alone everyone around me. It wasn't a very happy experience. So I stopped feeling.

As I have gotten older, I've tried very hard to feel again, as I do so, I discover that I can feel other people's pain again. But there is a catch, for those girls whom I like, it doesn't work. I cannot use this gift for my own personal gain, I can only use it for others. This is particularly annoying when I like a girl and she seems to like me... but there is a 'concern' as we used to call it in the mission field. Also, it makes it very difficult for me to hate people, that is really annoying, because how can you hate someone when you can see how much pain they are in?

Sorry, venting. I told the girl I like, that I like her (my exact words were, "emotionally attached") and she said, "I kinda already knew that." What the heck does that mean? I'm so used to just understanding that this is driving me crazy, I can't for the life of me understand what's going on in her head. Help me please.

-C.A.

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The quiet of the night

>> Thursday, December 04, 2008

I love the quiet of the night, the moments when no other soul stirs the wind of the house. It speaks a quiet peace to the soul, like heavy winds off the ocean. The ones that have twirled past a thousand empty dunes of rising sea and foam. In these quiet whispering moments when all the world around you is asleep and dreaming, that's when the world comes alive. Every scent, every sound takes on a mystic quality. It's these quiet moments when we turn inwards and allow the dreamscape of our souls to reflect on the mundane appliances of every day living.

I am blessed beyond measure, I cannot imagine what twist of fate has given me such fortune. For I am rich beyond measure, I have the love of friends to support me through moments of bitter dark and the hands of loved ones to share the lilting harmonies of elated bliss.

This season I am grateful for so many things. The scent of shampoo, the trilling bird song, the cascades of light upon the firmament, the touch of an honest soul, a brisk wind off the port bow, conversation late into the night, gleeful appreciation, family, salvation and redemption, celestial vistas, lunches with friendly souls, the hope of water after seven years drought, the rallying cry to defend the just. Thank you world.

-C

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