Relationships

Lately I've been thinking about this a lot. And I think it goes along with my BoM study so I am using that time to write this...As I contemplate what I've just read of course.

I have a problem with relationships. I generally hit the self destruct button after a while and things just explode. I'm not talking about just relationships with girls, I mean with everyone. It is amazing that I'm still friends with J. It is the one hope I have in my life that I will someday be capable of having a mutually fulfilling romantic relationship.

Speaking of J, lately I've been hanging out quite a bit with his FHE sisters. Awesome girls. But I can sense...it's getting to that point. The point when I will do something that will offend them irrevocably and they will no longer enjoy my company. This scares me immensely. I need friendships in my life...

I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, I partly blame my mother and her New England ways for it... but not completely. I still take the blame for such simple things as my inability to keep a relationship past week two. I heard a quote once that said, "you can pretend to be someone you aren't for about a year, at that point, the REAL you will start to shine through." I'm not sure if the 'me' that I show to everyone after week two is the real me or simply the me that I throw at people in an attempt to not allow them to see the me that lies inside. I'm not exactly sure what is so wrong with the inner me that I cannot allow people to see who it is. I like myself most of the time. At least I think I do. Maybe it's just my fear of love.

I do not remember my parents ever telling me that they love me. I don't know if I know what that emotion feels like...I don't know if I would know how to respond to it if it did come to me. Maybe that is where my fear comes from, I've never been there before never been in a position where someone loved me and I'm afraid of it, and everytime it gets near to that point I try to throw up so much flack that they will never see me running away as fast as I can.

How does this apply to my scripture reading you ask? I'm not really sure, it has something to do with Zeniff and Amulek and who they lived their lives in a firm belief of some higher force. And because of that belief they were given power to do things in this mortal world. I want that belief, that firm conviction, I want the power to overcome the difficult things I am faced with in life. Armies, wicked priests, I need the power of the Lord to be with me, is it already? Maybe it is...I have J as a friend after all. A better friend I don't think I could ask for. If you're reading this, thanks J. Good night everyone, sleep well.

-Cam

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Gattaca

First off, a shameless plug. Watch the movie, if you know me and you haven't seen it, call me up and ask to watch it with me. I LOVE this movie. I watched it tonight, and it will be the cause of me staying up faaar too late...but I'm okay with that. If you haven't seen it, stop reading now. Call me up, and watch it before proceeding with the rest of this post.


Okay?


Good.


Now, for the part of the post that I really wanted to write. This is going to be a conglomeration of things from both the devotional on Tuesday (quite awesome by the way) to the watching of the movie tonight.

We are often found looking in another direction, away from the goal, the destination in life that we have. In the movie there are two main characters, Jerome and Vincent. Jerome by all standards should be the best at all that he does, he was genetically engineered to be that way. Vincent on the other hand...was not. Who in this story does everyone want to be? Vincent. Because he has something that Jerome does not, that cannot be given to us, he has a gift that cannot be hard-coded into our double helix. Vision. Dreams. Aspirations. Vincent sees a world where everything can be made possible, Jerome sees a world where everything is possible.

Suddenly Jerome discovers that there is something that he, 'isn't made for' that happens. He gets a silver medal. In an instant Jerome's world falls apart. Vincent never had a world, until he makes it.

I'm not sure where I'm getting at here, the worth of a vision, the inherent nature of driven people. I'm not quite sure. But I do know that I want to be more like Vincent--I want to be someone who dreams. "I got the better end of the bargain, I lent you my body, you lent me your dream."

If I could only be as passionate about one thing...

-Cameron

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To the quick

Someone just said something that hurt me. It hurt me alot. I'm not sure how this person managed to get inside my head so well as to break that wall of self-assurance which I give to the outside world, but they did, they managed it and I despise them for it. No, that's too strong, I hate myself for being what they accused me of being. And that is what hurts the most. Not because of who said it or how they said it, merely that it is true.

It's hard to confront those aspects of yourself which you don't like, to see them and have them so openly mocked and barraged with attention. They become painful sores on the concious, open wounds into which any causual passer-by may rub salt.

It is something that I will attempt to fix, but it's not easy, I don't want to do it, I don't want to change, to give up this aspect of myself, it is a defense which I have used far too long to openly cast aside in favor of more gentle friends. There was a quote that one of my Zone leaders required I memorize:

"I am convinced that missionary work is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy. We are The Church of Jesus Christ, this is the truth, and He is our Great Eternal Head. How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for Him?"

How I wish I could take the easy road.

-Cameron

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Post 70

Well, I'm doing better than one a week.

I've been meaning to write this blog for a few days now. You see, the day after I wrote the last a thought occurred to me--I realized that I my problem extends to many fields. Friendship, video games, even my mission. I will now attempt to write out my thoughts on this matter, as they happened.

"I don't finish things. All of my relationships have just kind of pattered out. I rarely finish video games, and my mission." "Ahh, but you finished your mission." "Sure I did, that's why everyone asked me why I was home in November if I hadn't left until February." "That was one girl, and you finished your mission." "I know I tried to finish it, I know that when President called me up and asked how I felt bout going home I prayed, I know he prayed, I know I was released honorably. But I still only served 21 months."

"That doesn't matter, do you remember how you felt?" "Yes."

And I did. I remembered how I felt that day in the temple as I pleaded with the Lord to give me assurance that this was the right thing to do, that I wasn't just giving in because things had gotten too hard. I remember everything about that moment, where I sat, where I looked, who I saw, how I felt.

I don't know how to describe how I felt that day, words fail me, images fail me, only the triple bond of thought, picture and words can come close to describing that moment. But I can't share the last two with you, I can only give you the words. Let me try: Peaceful, light, fuzzy, warm, loved, loving, encircled, amazed, happy, somber, exuberant, full, jubilant, forgiven, bursting, awed, expanded, worthy, worthwhile. So many more, so much more.

I found a reason, a reason to change, and the reason was you.

It was that feeling, I want it with me all the time, I want to be like that all the time. I've only had it a few times now, once in my room late at night. Another in the temple looking into eternity. Another time, in the temple listening to it.

There is a quote, I'm fairly sure it's by Joseph Smith...but I could be wrong that says something along the lines of, "There is nothing that can change a man so much as the pure inspiration of the spirit resting up on him. Such moments cannot be forgotten, for they are spirit communicating with spirit." Those moments, those glimpses into eternity(I hate to use the word again...but what would work better, heaven? The Celestial Kingdom? God's heart?) they change lives, they are the reason to improve the reason to change, to act.

I count myself lucky that I have such moments to draw upon, and since that night I have often thought to myself when tempted: "Do you want to feel like you have the past year or like those moments?" And it becomes easier to make the right choice.

I think I finally have something to look forward too, I finally have some goal in life. I want that, I want it and I want to let everyone else have some of it as well. Not because of any love that I have for you all now...but for the love that I would have for you then...I know I could never live with myself there if I didn't share now.

A strange thread of logic, but it works in my head.

I pray that the people who read this will have had one if not more of these moments,remember them, hold them close and strive to seek more. Do what must needs be done to give them to you. They are worth any price.

-Cameron

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A problem discovered

It is currently 6:19

I don't know what to write. But I am listening to a Tarzan song and I am in the mood to write something grand.

Something philosophical... But because I have not the spirit it will probably just be some lame sophomoric post like most of the rest.

Have you ever wanted something? If I know my readership, (which...I don't,) then I know that the answer for most of you is a resounding KINDA! Okay, so this is written to one person in particular, and maybe more as I start talking. I my farewell letter to BB I told them that I had had a crush on 7 members of BB, I just made up a number but I realize now it's true.

KJ, KK, EHS, TL, LPL, SIL and PC. Most of those have happened in the last semester, and the list of crushes also includes: Library Girl, History Girl, History Girl2, Japanese Girl, Yeti, Cougereat Girl, CB Girl, Lil Sis. And I'm sure I'm missing some. What is wrong with me? Why do I have so many infatuation and so few romances? What strange personality quirk rules the realm of my consciousness that it forbids me from falling in love, heck from even taking a step.

I am forever stuck two steps in the light, looking, longing into the dark waiting for someone to appear long enough to reach out a hand and take it. And then trick, charm, bedazzle me into staying. Am I really so afraid of commitment that I cannot keep a relationship longer than a few days, a few weeks? Is it some character defect within myself that causes others to turn away from me? Or is it some interior flaw which causes me to run as far as I possibly can? It cannot possibly be in the girls to which I am attracted. There are simply too many of them to all share a common discrepancy in genetically engineered happiness.

One of the highest compliments I've been given in weeks, possibly years: "You know, you're really a decent guy."

Why can't I agree with her? Why is it that my first thought: Only because you don't know who I am. What do I hide from people? Do I hide from people? Yes, there is one thing I hide, one secret that only three people know of. Myself, J, and my bishop (In three forms, but the office only counts as one person). Is this what makes me feel so undesirable? Do I push them away because I'm afraid they'll get too close and then...find out about this? And then run so fast that I shall never catch up?

Is this so big?

Is it the reason I don't have the spirit? Yes. Is it the reason I hate sleep? Yes, it haunts my dreams. Is this the reason I am depressed? I don't know. Would I give it up? Can I? Should I?

Please don't jump to conclusions...this is serious but it isn't THAT serious. Oh that I could have a firm foundation to start from, a hope in that someday this could be gone forever. Then could I do it? Knowing that I wouldn't have to deal with it again in a month, a year a decade?

They say that you get what you want...maybe I don't want to live where families can be eternal. Not because of the families... because of who I would be, what I could do. God, it's so hard to pick up that book, so easy to turn here, to forget that anything outside of this world, this reality I've created for myself matters at all. Did he know how this would be? Did he feel this? How did he overcome it? For he must have had to, he never gave into the sin, he stood against the wind his entire life. Why can't I at least crawl into it?

Forgive me father for I have sinned.

-Cameron

The following are music quotes which I found interesting for one reason or another.


only love can enter here

Trust your heart, let faith decide.

"put your faith in what you most believe in." "A paradise untouched by man."

It is currently: 6:47

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