A few posts

The below are a few posts that I've written elsewhere and decided to import here... See, I'm not a slacker...

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The reason for the Season (Part 1)

I've been meaning to write this post for some time now. I'm not really sure what this is supposed to say...so bear with me.

Thanksgiving, I feel that this should be one of the least anticipated holidays of the year. Because I feel as though it should be a spirit that we cultivate throughout the year. However, I feel as though I don't cultivate that spirit enough, and so I've taken these last few weeks to contemplate all of the many things of which I am grateful. My mom, sisters and others have told me that I am...Scrooge-like in that I have refused to give out a Christmas list, or have complained when others have put up Christmas decorations. My reasons have been simple, I wanted to focus on my thankfulness before I felt ready to focus on my Saviour.

Essentially this is going to be one of those: I'm grateful for... messages, so don't feel obligated to read further...this one's for me.

I'm thankful for:

My mother, who is becoming more and more the dream I've always wanted. My Father, for his example, his testimony and his hard work. My siblings, for all the things we share. To my friends collectively, for the support, examples and love they give me. For Jason, the person I turn to when life seems too hard to handle. To Chris, for some comic relief, and a constant reminder of yet another set of things I should be doing. For Ryan's goodness in everyway, and the dedication he gives to his goals. To Morgan, for the insight, and the fun. To Kit, for being the strongest man I know. To Sam, for his pure heart and gentle ways. To John, for the level headed support and guidance. To Tom, for being a rock amidst the hurricane. To Spencer, for his faith in me and in Deity. To Jed, for the compassion and charity he so freely gives. To Jeff, for his passion. To Josh, for his smile, and his care for many. To the other Jason, for the example of perseverance and love. To Jeremy, for the hope, and the conversation. To Jacob for his BFG ways. To all of the men just listed: For helping me see beyond the moment.

To others: Em, for reminding me of paths untaken. To BAWB, for his calmness. To all of my poke friends, for helping me feel wanted. To All of my IM buddies, for keeping me occupied through the day. To Pam B. for hope, and for a reason to wake up.

And most of all, to my father and his first born Son. For hope, for love, for understanding, for an example, for all the time they've taken, for faith and for reassurance. I love you all, but them most.

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A million things to do

A million things to do today,
they clatter and clutter and
carve up the minutes and hours.
Bills to pay, and places to be,
Work to be done, races to run.

All is done, the sunlight gone,
By the bed I kneel and utter:
Father, I hurt today,
I did this and that, but am empty still
I needed you most,
and you weren't there for me.

Then to my mind a picture came,
Another and another.
My neighbor who with joints aflame
Waved through the pain.
The lady who worked and slaved away
Wanting only to be home and play.
My mother who called and asked how I was
A curt response that was please don't delay.

And with a small voice he gently replies:
These needed me too--
Through you I had hoped to be with them
So perfect to a task to fill up your hole.
Forget not the weary, the hungry, the cold.
In them I will answer, in them I will be.

And with a silent cry I rose from my bed,
"Better tomorrow, I'll do what you will."
A million things to do in a day,
They don't clatter or clutter
and carve up the hours and minutes.

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Fire in the Bosom/Veins

Chant with me, just a moment,
"I am me, I am, I will stay."
Plunging through the river,
Holding on to life.

They say, the burning is God,
Telling us it's okay.
But rushing through the fire...
I doubt his hand in this.

I've felt that fire, long ago,
When a white shirt and tie were mine.
Fighting sun, and rain and fire,
Just to raise someone a little higher.

A fire like that--purifying,
His intervention clear, the witness
And not so different than the fire,
Of another agent's plan.

Two fires, so different,
So similiar.
Bitter to feed the fire.
Sweet to balance the act.

A pilgrims wandering once tred,
Becomes the markings of trails
Crossing chasms of fire,
Leading to his hearth.

What's in a point?
What makes it sharp?
Solid to touch, pushing fire:
Into the veins, the hair, the sinew.

Burning from the blood,
Burning in the blood.
Fire raging inside the mind
"I am me, I am, I will stay."

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Going Again

At the urging of my bishop, I have begun visiting with a professional pyshcatrist. I've tried to think what exactly that means for me.

One of the things that I think was particularly interest was that she said they only typically do around 16 sessions. Sixteen doesn't seem like a very large number considering that you are attempting to get someone sorted out and functional within society again. But perhaps that really is all that you need.

I'm just so tired of being alone, I'm so tired of having no one in this life to turn to. There is only so much that the savior can do for me. Yes, I know that he loves me, and yes I know that his is a perfect, undying love. But I also know that except under very special circumstances, that love is a love without physicality. I want more than anything someone who I can hold as I watch the stars. I want to feel her shiver and snuggle in closer as the wind blows. I want to sit there and whisper the inane, silly things about life and have her giggle back. I want to wake up excited in the morning to hear what she has to say. I want to feel that tingle down my spine as my hand brushes against hers. I want to feel fire from my fingertips to my toes when I realize that something I have done caused her pain, I want to have the desire to, above all else, remedy that failure of mine. But most of all, I want someone whom I can share my life with. I want someone who understands me and whom I don't have to feel like I need to dress up in order to keep them around. Unconditional love from a mortal.

Is that even possible? Are their marriages out there that end up like this? Or is that just a thing that happens while you date? I don't want to settle, can people find that oneness in God? I want to feel pain again, because I want to love again. Why is it so hard to open your heart to someone?

-Asmond

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Commiseration(The PBU)

I have discovered that, contrary to all rational thought, one can only emphasis with people who you share a common experience with. And thus it is with great excitement that I garner unto myself this most recent of accomplishments.

I was found worthy of one choice and particularly debilitating experience. The pre-emptive breakup. Now normally the word pre-emptive is used only with things like nucular missiles or Canadian domination over the world. As for break-up...well the word conjures images of broken hearts, angry phone calls, bitter words and various other forms of angst.

But the preemptive breakup is a wonderful thing, it's a girl (or guy) telling you, "Yeah, don't even think about it." You aren't even good enough to give it a try and SEE if it works out, you're straight up rejected! I'm going to admit, sometimes the PBU is needed...it's just really hard to tell when that's the case. To use the PBU when it isn't needed... Well, you can imagine the apolitical repercussions that particular chain of events might have.

Anyway, my particular PBU wasn't too bad, she came over, she dropped off food, then proceeded to have the PBU. The problem is that the PBU was so blatant, all the signs of a full blown DTR were there. "Hey, I need to drop this off, when are you going to be home." "Is anyone else there." "Hey we need to talk." Nervous walk, failure to make eye contact. It was almost enough to make me laugh, had I not be expecting it and fortifying my tender heart against it. After all, the only thing worse than a PBU that isn't needed is when the recipient of the PBU laughs when you deliver it.

But regardless, the PBU came, then she tried to skip out like a rabbit caught in the farmer's carrot patch. Which is understandable, but was hardly needed.

All in all, my first PBU went just dandy. It was still prior to making any emotional ties and I still have a good friend. And now, if you will excuse me, it's time for some rebound action.

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As I read.

I've been putting it of for long enough, it's time to open them again:

3 Ne. 23-24: "And it came to pass that it did last for the space of three days that there was no light seen; and there was great mourning and howling and weeping among all the people continually; yea, great were the groanings of the people, because of the darkness and the great destruction which had come upon them.
"And in one place they were heard to cry, saying: O that we had repented before this great and terrible day, and then would our brethren have been spared, and they would not have been burned in that great city Zarahemla."

I talks of people in darkness, and the pain--nay the anguish--that this darkness is causing them. Am I feeling that pain? It it the darkness that causes this? Is there a darkness upon the soul? These were those who were righteous and yet...they were given this darkness. And it caused them pain. Who am I to contend with such? Is it past the time of my repentance? No, I am still alive, I am still able to ask. Am I willing to do so?

3 Ne. 9:13 "O all ye that are spared because ye were more righteous than they, will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?"

Can you hear the pain in that voice? The longing? I have not yet been destroyed, he still wants me. Can I? Can I do it? Do I have that kind of courage? What does it take to be converted?

3 Ne. 9:20 "And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost, even as the Lamanites, because of their faith in me at the time of their conversion, were baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost, and the knew it not."

The conditions, the reward. Baptism, cleansing, fire, purifying. Faith, faith in what? In his ability to keep his promises, in his love, in his grace. Could he ever want me back?

3 Ne. 10:4-6 (sorta) "how oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not." x4

Is he saying that he does? He is. I suppose it's time to open up again, to him. I'm afraid of prayer, it makes me vulnerable. But I can't go on with the nothing.

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Dishes

I really do think that it's impossible to be happy while doing the dishes--alone. Not because dishes are such a horrible task, but rather because it is a moment when your hands and body are busy but your mind is free to wander. It's a moment of reflection. It's a moment of depression. As you sit and scrub those dishes, you are able to think back upon the many failures of life, the foibles of youth, and the catastrophes of early adulthood. I am sure that later I will think of other things as well, but currently that's all that I have to think about...so that's what I think about when I do dishes.

I hate dishes, I hate the way it makes me feel--not doing the dishes...but rather just the fact that I think when I'm doing them. I realize that most of my blogs are rather depressing, but that's mostly because I only blog when I am depressed...otherwise I'm out doing things that are really exciting to me. So, take that into account as you read. The two month gap between my posts a while back is a good sign on my part. Now life sucks again. It's moments like this that I hate being alone. Doing dishes with someone is a great experience. I love doing it with someone, because you have a chance to sit and talk, while doing constructive things. It's probably one of the greatest things in life.

What am I saying? I hate being alone.

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100 Posts

In slightly over a year and a half, I've finally managed to hit 100 posts.

It started in February, and this September...well, quite a few things have happened in between. I've changed, I wish I could say I've grown. Truth is, I'm in pretty much the same state I was in when I started this whole business. My major has changed, I have more friends, and more enemies, but when it all comes down to it, who I am...the core, is still the same. And I still don't like it very much.

Where have I gone wrong? What part of growing up am I missing? Am I supposed to stay stagnant for so long? Has it really been a year and a half of lost faith? Am I where I should be? Am I where I could be? What could I have done better?

Against the nature of rhetorical questions, I'll answer myself.

I stopped reading my scriptures. I've given too much time to different worlds and have forgotten the real one, it's responsibility that I'm missing. No, I should be much better. Yes it has, but there have been moments, beautiful moments, where you had your faith again...oh that it were a moment to last eternity. No, you failed to do your duty, you should be further, you need to stop **** and ****, and start **** again--Not to mention ****. See last answer.

Today Morgan said that my posts always made her want to be better. I don't know about that, I'm just trying to figure all this stuff out, but I know where I want to be, and this is where I share my thoughts on where that is, and how to get there. I want to be happy, and I think I'll never be able to so long as I keep looking inside mater for that joy. Happiness is not a quantity that can be measured, so why should it be found in things that can be? The same is true of all things that we find valuable, Loyalty, Love, courage. You don't see people walking around saying, "I have 325723 love today guys!" It's funny, the only way to measure happiness is to discover unhappiness. The same is true with love, and companionship. How I wish the world weren't so cold and alone. How I wish I could remember him.

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A facade

I just finished watching "Howl's Moving Castle" and I must admit that I quite enjoyed it. My head and heart are full right now. I'm not really sure what is going to come out so...please forgive me.

Lately, I have been attempting to overcome a rather disturbing illness that seems to have gripped me and refuses to let go. I have told no one, and I don't think that I'm going to tell you now. But suffice it to say that it is something that causes me no small amount of consternation. In addition to this illness which besets me I am afraid that I have fallen away from the one thing that truly makes me happy. My God. I have found many substitutes for this pleasure. But, none fill me up, none manage to...how do I say this, they do not complete me. Perhaps that is the secret in life, you are only complete when you are not alone. And the only person that can be with you always is God.

I have left him alone, and now I must seek him out.

A little more about my sickness: I am diagnosed with a chronic illness which I have no doubt will someday lead to my eventual demise. An addiction of sorts, not of the body but of the mind, it requires that I have infusions of chemicals in order to meet that addiction. It is this exact malady which causes me to run from relationships, which causes me to form so little attachment to the things of this world. You see, my foot has been one step outside the doorway leading to the next for so long that I've forgotten what it means to be here...fully here.

I don't expect anyone to understand this, and if you think that you do...well, you probably don't. The only way you would understand it is if I explained it to you, and there are few, if any, that I would feel comfortable doing so.

*wry smile* Just another layer of isolatism that I heap upon myself to prevent anyone from seeing me...I have a friend who has often said, "I think I know you better than most--if not all--and I still think that I see only 30% of what's really there." He is correct, he knows so little about me. No one knows me, and I fear no one ever will.

-Cam

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Missing time

Sorry that it's been so long since I posted last. It seems like forever, and that's fine. I've lost my laptop and have been 'borrowing' computer time while I have it late at night. Tonight I met a girl, we'll call her Hana (if you know me in real life, this is a pseudonyms, not a real one) she's great--one problem--she has a boyfriend. A fairly serious one. I don't really want to date her, mostly because of the boy, and I have no desire to break up a relationship that could possibly end in eternal bliss. But I have noticed how much I miss having a girl. It's little things. Like the scent she leaves on a pillow or article of clothing.

Like watching a movie and having something to lean on. Like not feeling so incomplete all the time--missing half of my mind. I miss the goose bumps when you see her again, the instant happy of her smile. I miss the consideration and expectations given to each other.

It's a thousand little things, these are things that I love about being in love. The sad thing is...I don't think Hana is getting those things with her boyfriend. And it scares me that she will simply 'go with the flow' and never get goose bumps, never have a stupid grin creep across her face as she thinks about him. I'm afraid she'll never be in love.

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Resonance (Four Svithes)

Today, I walked a girl home from our apartment. Not because I liked her or anything of that nature, but because of whom I want to be. We talked about a myriad of things as we strolled the half-block to her apartment. Some of those truck home.

She said: intimacy is the only way relationships are anything but superficial. At the same time, I realized that the same is true of our relationship with God. In order for it to be anything beyond the superficial it must needs have some sort of intimacy. "Is there intimacy in our relationship?" I heard a voice speak in my head, and I realized the answer is no, at best we are indifferent friends that see each other and wave. What is intimacy? How does one cultivate that intimacy? Effort, lots and lots of effort.

As I walked back home, barefoot, I felt the warm cement with my feet and marveled. Although the sun had set almost a quarter of a day earlier, still the stones retained the warmth they held some of that warmth within them, and were willing, and able, to give some of it to me. The same is true with our immortal souls, no matter how dark we think the night has been, it is still a summer day, the warmth and love of Christ and The Father suffused our souls for millennium prior to our earthly entry into life. Some of that brilliance remains within every child here.

I often see new people I meet as jig-saw puzzles to be put together. If I can simply find the right pieces eventually I will be able to see how they fit together and have a complete understanding of them. Going along with 1, this removes the intimacy from the relationship, they are simply a logical puzzle that I can figure out given due time. I hate that side of me, and I hope that someday I might be able to fix it. To see them instead as people, with depths un plumbed that can only be shown by a guide, yes on occasion you can see a nearby cavern, but you never really know what is on the other side.

I stated earlier that I was walking her home based on who I wanted to become. I want to be someone who is genuineally concerned with the welfare and safety of others, not only physical but spiritual and mental as well. I cannot wait for the day when I shall see those around me and finally understand what all of those stains REALLY mean, I suppose I should get to work cleaning those, too much time spent looking for those flaws not enough time spent actually doing it.

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Happy Birthday

To me.

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Svithe

I am so grateful for the people whose company I keep. I look at the sterling examples of righteousness around me and hope that I can someday be like them. I am so very grateful that I have chosen friends that keep the standards of the gospel. I know they aren't perfect and I know that some may fall. But you know what? I'm not either and I probably will.

You know what they will do when I do? They'll help me. I intend on doing the same. Thank you.


-Cam

(Brought to you by the friends article in this month's Ensign, and the letter, "L")

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Stirred up...

"For behold, the Lord had blessed them so long with the riches of the world that they had not been stirred up to anger, to wars, nor to bloodshed; therefore they began to set their hearts upon their riches; yea, they began to seek to get gain that they might be lifted up one above another; therefore they began to commit secret murders, and to rob and to plunder, that they might get gain." Helaman 6:17

I have lately been thinking that I have too long been in the shadow of ease. I have forgotten the stirring up. I realize that despite all of my 'difficulties' I have not in quite some time come across a difficulty that is actually, well...difficult. My life is one of ease and simplicity. I shirk responsibility and commitments and find pleasure in things that have no great purpose in life but the mundane passing of a preverbal hour. How does one deal with this? I'm not really sure...but I have some speculations. How does one cause their soul to feel again? I have numbed myself to what pains I might experience. I have a good job, I enjoy my room-mates...so...what?

My parents might be moving to Georgia. Does this bother m e? A little...I'm scared mostly. I hate to think of all of the many things that I should be doing and yet do not. I should be feeling some sort of pain, excitement and such. I know what caused this, Gemini. It always happens after I commit too much of my heart to a girl who then stomps it into the ground and grinds it to dust. And I'm falling for it again, a nice girl...but one who has shown no amount of reciprocation. I'm setting myself up for a fall, I can see it...but can I stand not to take the chance? What if it does work out? Is that worth the risk?

These aren't really questions that anyone else can answer and I realize this, but... the thing that I am most saddened by is the fact that while I was there...I heard her invite someone else on an activity that could very easily be considered a date. It hurt, an actually sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hate that feeling, I don't get it often, but at the same time I revel in it, it is emotion. That is what I desire above all else, emotion. Passion really. If I could have enough of that to fill my days I could have little else and consider myself happy.

A statement I have made several times on my blog...but it stands repeated. "If I only had a heart."

-C

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Motivation

Today I was talking to a girl, which in and of itself isn't particularly spectacular as I often talk to girls. But the problem is that I was talking to her one on one. I don't do well in one on one situations. I have a hard time looking at the person and then I talk too much and make a fool of myself.

So, there I was making a fool of myself (which basically means I'm talking too much) but that in the process she managed to see something that I try to hide as best I can. That I have no purpose. I really don't. She said I needed more motivation in life. I hate loosing so...I'm going to do it.

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I should be doing homework

First, I'd like to say that I went to my first live sealing yesterday. I was terrified, if I didn't have the ring, I doubt I'd have gone. I'm not really sure why I don't want to be around people who are getting married but I don't. It was an old friend from highschool who asked me to be his bestman. Not too bad of a deal, in a mormon wedding the best man does little to nothing. I held the ring, I decorated the car and otherwise sat around and looked pretty.

It was also the first time I've been inside a temple in at least six months.

It's been a long year. I wish I could ask forgiveness for the other wedding I should have gone to, and didn't. But I can't, I was too afraid. I'm not afraid of the ceremony I suppose, but rather the temple itself, the commitments made there. I doubt I'll ever be able to do that. Gosh, yesterday at the reception as it was winding down I found myself playing with the four year old cousin because I felt like a piece of meat to be brokered out to the girls out there. So the little girl protected me. I'm sorry Rock Flower. Sorry to everyone else too.

-Asmond

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A week in Review

The past week has been a busy one. I started class on...gosh was it only Tuesday? Three days is not a long enough break with my job. Waaaay not a long enough. You see the end of Winter semester and the beginning of Fall are our two busiest weeks of the year. We have to check in all the rental computers that are being returned. We had 1400 checked out, we now have 475. That's roughly a thousand computers that we had to check in, make sure all the parts were there, and then store until next fall. It was busy, and then I had a nice three day weekend...and BAM. Back in the fast life.

I've been leaving home at about 7:20, going to school until noon, then work until 5. Stay at work ('cause it's quiet and nice...and I have my programs there) until about 8 or 9, at which point I grab some dinner. Then I head over to Jason's for a few hours to work on class #2 homework. I do that until about 11...then repeat.

It's a busy life. And it doesn't appear to be getting any better until the end of Spring Term. But in the last week I managed to: Do all of my homework up until the stuff due next Friday for class #1. And the lab and two home works due for class #2 by Monday. Tonight, I'm going to talk to Gemini about my lying, we'll see how that goes. Hopefully there will still be a hope of an “us.” And I'm going to try and get a chapter or so of reading in for Class #2 so I can hopefully understand what the heck is going on, on Monday. We'll see how successful I am in the endeavor.

I went to Dad's Singles Ward (he is a 1st counselor) today and told them that I would be attending church with them from now on. This will hopefully mean I'll actually be going to church now--Something that I've been not doing as much as I should have been. I really like that ward.

In other news; I did it again. I hate these little failings, but in church today I realized some things that I need to do and I'm going to do them. I just hope this doesn't interfere with the wedding (not mine...). Thanks to all you people who have started or restarted reading my blog. It's nice to get comments every now and again.

Some clarifications from last post: This project is in reference to the blog--which was started about 15 months ago. The darkness that intersects the light is the Angel Moroni. The amphitheatre rocks, and the speeches are impressive only because I know all of the thoughts behind them.

-C

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Post 90

So, I figured I'd do something happy for this my 90th post. Man, it seems like so many things have happened since I began this little project.

So, I'm going to share with you one of my favorite things in the world. Late at night, if you go to the north east side of the Timpanogos Temple and look up. There you will see a beam of light that has been intersected by a shaft of darkness in the middle. I love that spot. I'm not really sure why, other than the fact that I love that temple. It's one of my favorite things to do when I'm alone and need a little aid from above. And if you go just a block or two directly west of that point you will find the ampitheatre where I go and deliver my speeches. No one else is there to hear me (hopefully) but I find that my speeches there are the most spectacular things I've ever heard.

The topics range greatly but usually end up in shouted prayers to God. Both in thanks, and pain, in love and despair. My most heartfelt prayers are there with the temple lights just out of sight looking up at the darkened sky--just a hint of light in the far sky--it is there that I've fallen to my knees and cried unto my Lord. There is peace and calmness in those two spots. Those of you who know me will hopefully see that 'silly happy' smile on my face as you read this post. If those stones could talk...they would be able to share my entire life, my struggles and fears, my loves and dreams. I sincerely hope you all have places like these where you can go and feel that love, that peace. I pray that you do.

May you find peace in our Lord.

-Cameron

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Musings

Well, I'm not really sure what to write about. These past few days have been a blur of motion. One thing I've noticed is my interaction with those around me.

For example, the last few days, this will include such hits as; the blog party, dinner @ Ottavio's and Movie Night at JP's.

The Blog Party, what a wonderful night, I forgot how much I miss being around people who have sharp wits. I've been spending a good portion of time with people who are either too nice or simply not jaded enough to have a good verbal skirmish. Of particular note was meeting Th. who quite made the night, and made it very hard to leave the Fobcave.

Sorry, I can't finish this right now, so instead I'm going to talk about a few other things: I did it again. I can't believe it, I ignored all the warning signs, I ignored my own better judgement that told me to turn around. But I did it. And now I hate it, I cannot stand to be around people when I know that I don't deserve their company, what would they say if they knew? *sighs* One secret, I have one and I can't etell anyone. How I wish it weren't a secret, weren't an issue.

But it isn't, and I'm not going to do it again, so forgive me but I'm going to sign off now, God bless.

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Wicked

GLINDA

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:
I have been changed for good

I was at Gemini's the other night and her sister sang a song from "Wicked." It reminded me of how much I enjoy the play. So I went and 'borrowed' the soundtrack from my sister. And I've been listening to it for the last little bit, there are two songs in particular that have struck me anew. "No Good Deed" and "For Good" seem to me to be iconic of my life these past few months. Particularly the line, "Was I really seeking good, or was I just seeking attention?"

I wonder about that sometimes, am I who I am because I want attention? I don't rightly know, but the desperation in "No Good Deed" seems all too comprehensible to me. The emotion raw and exposed before the lens, how do I describe this...I don't understand it, I don't know how to fix this hole within me. I think I understand how Rockflower felt, a little bit more...

I don't know what I'm thinking, I don't know what to do with my life, I need some sort of direction I feel so alone. I hate what I've done, I hate the situation I'm in, and I'm trying to fix it, but I don't know how. I have done wsomething with Gemini that I know will tank that possibility. I always do this, I self destruct msefl. Why? Why do I do it? It seems so logical at the time, so...nessissary but in retrospect I know that it was a mistake. Not just one of those spilled milk mistakes, one of those, "The Titanic can take on a little bit of ice! Full forward!" kind of mistakes. I wish I could stop it, I wish I could believe what he said, I wish I didn't have to keep questioning and reproving. I suppose it all comes back to faith, Gosh dang it.

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An old book

I'm not exactly sure where the book came from, I remember the first time I saw it, I must have been...14 or something. It's a short book, only 106 pages with a big print and wide margins, but it's what got me hooked on romance novels. It's interesting how I can remember the event so clearly. It was summer, afternoon, I was in the living room bored. I found the book and I started to read it. I've never been able to find it again, and I was ashamed of it then, as I was tonight when I saw it again. (the cover is pink.)

Where am I going with this? Not really sure, I guess I'm just being a little nostalgic. It's strange, it seems like everyone is getting married this month. I'm to attend my first live marriage sessions, two in as many weeks. The best part of this...I actually feel like I'm worthy of going through the temple again. I miss it, I miss doing baptisms every Saturday. It seems so strange that it was almost a year ago that I stopped doing them, a wasted year.

With this school year ending I'm making a few new (school) year resolutions.

1. Go to the temple often.
2. Go to church weekly.
3. Pray fervently.
4. Attend school even when it is inconvenient.
5. Do homework.
6. Do service for other people weekly.
7. No more lies.
8. Allow myself to be depressed, and move on.
9. Live life without expecting another day with which to postpone repentance.
10. Allow myself to love someone.
11. Ask for help when I need it.
12. Write a little bit more.
13. Love.

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Gemini's Family

It has come to my attention that I might need to give the girl referenced in "A girl to call my own." an online name so that I might address her with more ease. I had thought about simply recycling "SHE" but I don't think the original SHE would like that very much, and it might get confusing. So, in that spirit, I've decided to come up with a name for her... and without further ado... I present Gemini.

So Gemini and I have been doing some fairly serious liking (at least I have...and I'm kinda hoping that she has as well.) The night before last (meaning Saturday) I helped Gemini move from her current abode (sticks) to her temporary abode (north sticks). There I got to meet wonderful 2 year old little brother, Walton, Gemini's Mom, Replica, Pradagal and Gemini's Dad. Not to mention Grumpy the five month old youngest brother. The first little bit I entertained Walton while Gemini and her Mom cleared space in the north sticks for all of Gemini and Scottish(Gemini's twin) stuff in the basement.

Walton is a great kid and I had a lot of fun entertaining him, but I felt kinda bad because Gemini and I being there disrupted him and Grumpy's sleeping schedule and they were up till all hours of the night. We finished moving all the stuff about at around 11:00. At which point Gemini's Mom had so kindly provided a drink for myself, which was very interesting. We then got to talk to Replica and Pradagal as well as Gmom and shortly Gdad, with Walton and Grumpy making a few visits in to check up on the action.

I love Gemini's family. It's the kind of family I've always wanted and never really had. Which is not to say that I do not have a wonderful family--for I do. It's just...more open, more non-Woodruffish. I liked Gdad immediately and hope to spend more time with the entire family. I really do like Gemini for all these very strange reasons. I counted the other day, how many times I randomly thought of her. It was a large number that I'm almost embarrassed to think about. I already miss my 7:00 shift. The day just isn't the same when you don't start it off with a talk from last general conference. I should be getting my promotion next Monday, I want to go hiking after Finals and I need to crack down and actually study for a few of them.

Life is good, and I am content, which is more than I can say for myself in many months. Gemini has been a good influence on me. Until next time.

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Confirmed

Plans did in fact actually mean a date. I hate being right.

Why do the good ones take so much work?

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Plans

To answer Theric's question, I served in Fort Worth, Texas. Where it was often windy, my favorite experience was when our town was struck by a tornado. My companion and I went out and stood in the wind lashed rain, so strong you had to bend near to half horizonal or fall down, and then when the wind shifted direction, you'd fall to the ground and into a massive puddle that collected on everything due to the sheer amount of rain coming down. Yes, that was a good day.

I asked her out again today. She said no this time, but she give a reason (well...a good reason) she said she had, "Plans." And she texted me. Sometimes I hate the way communication works. I don't think girls understand what plans means to a guy. Plans means: I have a date with someone else. That's the only reason NOT to tell you what you're doing instead. But I don't get it, she claims to be anti-social, she askes me to go to lunch with her...all sorts of positive signs and then: Plans. Please give me something more, family plans, I have to work, ANYTHING but just plain plans. I think I'd rather hear, "A friend already asked me to go do something with him." than "plans." What a horrid phrase.

I don't understand girls, I don't understand myself sometimes, but I know I never understand girls. Myself I have this feeling that sooner or later things will work out an dI"ll figure out why I feel this, and why I feel that. But with girls there doesn't seem to be any logic, it's just...blech. Nothing, to go off of one thing means something and another means the same, but the first no longer means the second and the second means less than it did. The rules change before you figure them out and so you're perpetually two turns behind. When you do think you have a break...plans. Maybe I'll just go camping this weekend.

-Cameron

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The wind

There was a time on my mission that I was in dire need of some help from above. My companion and I didn't get along at all. I was new to the mission and still didn't understand how to teach. I sat one night and pleaded with God to show me what to do, to show me that he was there to give me some sign that the coming crisis was known and the he watched over me. The response I recieved was, in part, the wind.

He told me that when I felt the wind that he was thinking about me, when I heard it to know he was talking to me. So when I wake up on days like this where the wind catches at you and tries to carry you away with it, I smile I feel the goosebumps form and a tingling down my spine. I love to feel the wind, I love to have it whisper to me. How I wish it were always windy.

-C

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Jumper

I sometimes wonder how long it would take for someone to notice I was gone.

I live a transient life, here a few days, there a few days. I think I could go at least three and have no one even realize I was missing. My room-mates would assume I was at home, my parents would assume I was at my appartment, Jason would think me busy. Would anyone else care? Would they notice? Maybe people would assume I just hadn't logged on in a while... I really think I could make at least three days without anyone noticing. Maybe I'll try that, see what people think.

Yes, I think I shall.

What a depressing thought.

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A girl to call my own

EG, if you've just read the title; unlock your jaw and smile. I don't mean I'm going to actually own her. I have come the realization that I want a girl who I can say, "That's the one, that's mine." Every bit as much as she has the right to say the same about me. But I don't want it to be meaningless. I want it to be amazing. I want to look at a picture of her and think to myself, I miss her...I miss her a lot. And for sheer longing and desire to be near her again reach out and touch her cheek.

I want to miss someone when I go to bed not having seen them. I'm beginning to feel that way about something and someone. The something is if I haven't read my scriptures, I miss them; I miss how I feel when I haven't done it that day. I love that. The someone is a tricky story; she's perfect, and I'd love to have her, the problem is that someone else already figured out that little secret. He purposed and then for some completely daft reason which I have yet to fathom he backed out. I don't get it. But I wish I could take his place, come back crying and say I'm sorry and have her take me back. Gosh I'm dreaming of ways to get the girl to take me back and I haven't yet figured how to get her to take me in the first place.

I think deep down, I'm a romantic...which makes life horribly disappointing.

-C

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I am tired of being so alone in a world full of people.

I'm tired of realizing that I'm the one who keeps pushing people away.
I'm tired of not having the power to stop.
I'm tired of not realizing I'm doing it until it's too late.
I'm tired of being too proud to turn back and swollow my words.
I'm tired of having to appologize for things I've said.
I'm tired of this place.

If only I could have oblivion, I should like immortality, but what is the point of living forever if no one cares that you live? Oblivion is better, 'tis better not to exist than to lead a life that is never noticed.

I am sorry.

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Relationships

Lately I've been thinking about this a lot. And I think it goes along with my BoM study so I am using that time to write this...As I contemplate what I've just read of course.

I have a problem with relationships. I generally hit the self destruct button after a while and things just explode. I'm not talking about just relationships with girls, I mean with everyone. It is amazing that I'm still friends with J. It is the one hope I have in my life that I will someday be capable of having a mutually fulfilling romantic relationship.

Speaking of J, lately I've been hanging out quite a bit with his FHE sisters. Awesome girls. But I can sense...it's getting to that point. The point when I will do something that will offend them irrevocably and they will no longer enjoy my company. This scares me immensely. I need friendships in my life...

I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, I partly blame my mother and her New England ways for it... but not completely. I still take the blame for such simple things as my inability to keep a relationship past week two. I heard a quote once that said, "you can pretend to be someone you aren't for about a year, at that point, the REAL you will start to shine through." I'm not sure if the 'me' that I show to everyone after week two is the real me or simply the me that I throw at people in an attempt to not allow them to see the me that lies inside. I'm not exactly sure what is so wrong with the inner me that I cannot allow people to see who it is. I like myself most of the time. At least I think I do. Maybe it's just my fear of love.

I do not remember my parents ever telling me that they love me. I don't know if I know what that emotion feels like...I don't know if I would know how to respond to it if it did come to me. Maybe that is where my fear comes from, I've never been there before never been in a position where someone loved me and I'm afraid of it, and everytime it gets near to that point I try to throw up so much flack that they will never see me running away as fast as I can.

How does this apply to my scripture reading you ask? I'm not really sure, it has something to do with Zeniff and Amulek and who they lived their lives in a firm belief of some higher force. And because of that belief they were given power to do things in this mortal world. I want that belief, that firm conviction, I want the power to overcome the difficult things I am faced with in life. Armies, wicked priests, I need the power of the Lord to be with me, is it already? Maybe it is...I have J as a friend after all. A better friend I don't think I could ask for. If you're reading this, thanks J. Good night everyone, sleep well.

-Cam

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Gattaca

First off, a shameless plug. Watch the movie, if you know me and you haven't seen it, call me up and ask to watch it with me. I LOVE this movie. I watched it tonight, and it will be the cause of me staying up faaar too late...but I'm okay with that. If you haven't seen it, stop reading now. Call me up, and watch it before proceeding with the rest of this post.


Okay?


Good.


Now, for the part of the post that I really wanted to write. This is going to be a conglomeration of things from both the devotional on Tuesday (quite awesome by the way) to the watching of the movie tonight.

We are often found looking in another direction, away from the goal, the destination in life that we have. In the movie there are two main characters, Jerome and Vincent. Jerome by all standards should be the best at all that he does, he was genetically engineered to be that way. Vincent on the other hand...was not. Who in this story does everyone want to be? Vincent. Because he has something that Jerome does not, that cannot be given to us, he has a gift that cannot be hard-coded into our double helix. Vision. Dreams. Aspirations. Vincent sees a world where everything can be made possible, Jerome sees a world where everything is possible.

Suddenly Jerome discovers that there is something that he, 'isn't made for' that happens. He gets a silver medal. In an instant Jerome's world falls apart. Vincent never had a world, until he makes it.

I'm not sure where I'm getting at here, the worth of a vision, the inherent nature of driven people. I'm not quite sure. But I do know that I want to be more like Vincent--I want to be someone who dreams. "I got the better end of the bargain, I lent you my body, you lent me your dream."

If I could only be as passionate about one thing...

-Cameron

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To the quick

Someone just said something that hurt me. It hurt me alot. I'm not sure how this person managed to get inside my head so well as to break that wall of self-assurance which I give to the outside world, but they did, they managed it and I despise them for it. No, that's too strong, I hate myself for being what they accused me of being. And that is what hurts the most. Not because of who said it or how they said it, merely that it is true.

It's hard to confront those aspects of yourself which you don't like, to see them and have them so openly mocked and barraged with attention. They become painful sores on the concious, open wounds into which any causual passer-by may rub salt.

It is something that I will attempt to fix, but it's not easy, I don't want to do it, I don't want to change, to give up this aspect of myself, it is a defense which I have used far too long to openly cast aside in favor of more gentle friends. There was a quote that one of my Zone leaders required I memorize:

"I am convinced that missionary work is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy. We are The Church of Jesus Christ, this is the truth, and He is our Great Eternal Head. How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for Him?"

How I wish I could take the easy road.

-Cameron

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Post 70

Well, I'm doing better than one a week.

I've been meaning to write this blog for a few days now. You see, the day after I wrote the last a thought occurred to me--I realized that I my problem extends to many fields. Friendship, video games, even my mission. I will now attempt to write out my thoughts on this matter, as they happened.

"I don't finish things. All of my relationships have just kind of pattered out. I rarely finish video games, and my mission." "Ahh, but you finished your mission." "Sure I did, that's why everyone asked me why I was home in November if I hadn't left until February." "That was one girl, and you finished your mission." "I know I tried to finish it, I know that when President called me up and asked how I felt bout going home I prayed, I know he prayed, I know I was released honorably. But I still only served 21 months."

"That doesn't matter, do you remember how you felt?" "Yes."

And I did. I remembered how I felt that day in the temple as I pleaded with the Lord to give me assurance that this was the right thing to do, that I wasn't just giving in because things had gotten too hard. I remember everything about that moment, where I sat, where I looked, who I saw, how I felt.

I don't know how to describe how I felt that day, words fail me, images fail me, only the triple bond of thought, picture and words can come close to describing that moment. But I can't share the last two with you, I can only give you the words. Let me try: Peaceful, light, fuzzy, warm, loved, loving, encircled, amazed, happy, somber, exuberant, full, jubilant, forgiven, bursting, awed, expanded, worthy, worthwhile. So many more, so much more.

I found a reason, a reason to change, and the reason was you.

It was that feeling, I want it with me all the time, I want to be like that all the time. I've only had it a few times now, once in my room late at night. Another in the temple looking into eternity. Another time, in the temple listening to it.

There is a quote, I'm fairly sure it's by Joseph Smith...but I could be wrong that says something along the lines of, "There is nothing that can change a man so much as the pure inspiration of the spirit resting up on him. Such moments cannot be forgotten, for they are spirit communicating with spirit." Those moments, those glimpses into eternity(I hate to use the word again...but what would work better, heaven? The Celestial Kingdom? God's heart?) they change lives, they are the reason to improve the reason to change, to act.

I count myself lucky that I have such moments to draw upon, and since that night I have often thought to myself when tempted: "Do you want to feel like you have the past year or like those moments?" And it becomes easier to make the right choice.

I think I finally have something to look forward too, I finally have some goal in life. I want that, I want it and I want to let everyone else have some of it as well. Not because of any love that I have for you all now...but for the love that I would have for you then...I know I could never live with myself there if I didn't share now.

A strange thread of logic, but it works in my head.

I pray that the people who read this will have had one if not more of these moments,remember them, hold them close and strive to seek more. Do what must needs be done to give them to you. They are worth any price.

-Cameron

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A problem discovered

It is currently 6:19

I don't know what to write. But I am listening to a Tarzan song and I am in the mood to write something grand.

Something philosophical... But because I have not the spirit it will probably just be some lame sophomoric post like most of the rest.

Have you ever wanted something? If I know my readership, (which...I don't,) then I know that the answer for most of you is a resounding KINDA! Okay, so this is written to one person in particular, and maybe more as I start talking. I my farewell letter to BB I told them that I had had a crush on 7 members of BB, I just made up a number but I realize now it's true.

KJ, KK, EHS, TL, LPL, SIL and PC. Most of those have happened in the last semester, and the list of crushes also includes: Library Girl, History Girl, History Girl2, Japanese Girl, Yeti, Cougereat Girl, CB Girl, Lil Sis. And I'm sure I'm missing some. What is wrong with me? Why do I have so many infatuation and so few romances? What strange personality quirk rules the realm of my consciousness that it forbids me from falling in love, heck from even taking a step.

I am forever stuck two steps in the light, looking, longing into the dark waiting for someone to appear long enough to reach out a hand and take it. And then trick, charm, bedazzle me into staying. Am I really so afraid of commitment that I cannot keep a relationship longer than a few days, a few weeks? Is it some character defect within myself that causes others to turn away from me? Or is it some interior flaw which causes me to run as far as I possibly can? It cannot possibly be in the girls to which I am attracted. There are simply too many of them to all share a common discrepancy in genetically engineered happiness.

One of the highest compliments I've been given in weeks, possibly years: "You know, you're really a decent guy."

Why can't I agree with her? Why is it that my first thought: Only because you don't know who I am. What do I hide from people? Do I hide from people? Yes, there is one thing I hide, one secret that only three people know of. Myself, J, and my bishop (In three forms, but the office only counts as one person). Is this what makes me feel so undesirable? Do I push them away because I'm afraid they'll get too close and then...find out about this? And then run so fast that I shall never catch up?

Is this so big?

Is it the reason I don't have the spirit? Yes. Is it the reason I hate sleep? Yes, it haunts my dreams. Is this the reason I am depressed? I don't know. Would I give it up? Can I? Should I?

Please don't jump to conclusions...this is serious but it isn't THAT serious. Oh that I could have a firm foundation to start from, a hope in that someday this could be gone forever. Then could I do it? Knowing that I wouldn't have to deal with it again in a month, a year a decade?

They say that you get what you want...maybe I don't want to live where families can be eternal. Not because of the families... because of who I would be, what I could do. God, it's so hard to pick up that book, so easy to turn here, to forget that anything outside of this world, this reality I've created for myself matters at all. Did he know how this would be? Did he feel this? How did he overcome it? For he must have had to, he never gave into the sin, he stood against the wind his entire life. Why can't I at least crawl into it?

Forgive me father for I have sinned.

-Cameron

The following are music quotes which I found interesting for one reason or another.


only love can enter here

Trust your heart, let faith decide.

"put your faith in what you most believe in." "A paradise untouched by man."

It is currently: 6:47

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