Post 200 -- Retirement

>> Sunday, December 06, 2009

It's been a good run here. I started this blog just under five years ago with a post on girls. I wish I knew then what I know now.

It started out with questions, concerns, hopes, dreams. It became a place for me to express my poetry, my heart, my soul. Recently I gave this address to a friend along with the quote:

Aedh Wishes for the Clothes of Heaven
by William Butler Yeats

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

This place truly is my dreams in ways I cannot even really imagine. I posted here a little less than once a week on average. There are good posts, and bad, posts I look back on and wish I could more often be the person who wrote those words. And ones that I am ashamed of. Others are funny, out of intent, or not.

Above all else, I feel as though my life is no longer the same as it was five years ago, the supposedly required anonymity of my past is gone. I have fewer rhetorical questions, and more simple thoughts. I no longer attend school, and have started on a path of nomadic wanderings. Truly I have lost my home as a place and gained it as a state of being. As such... I have decided to change the address, I will not be importing anything from here there. It will be a fresh start. I look forward to seeing you there.

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Filler Post

This is a filler post, it is designed to increase the number of posts that exist on my blog. Please do not read into this. It is only a filler post.

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Given the chance, I'd fall again.

>> Wednesday, September 30, 2009

When I first started this blog I added questions to every post, and those questions were more or less rhetorical. I've gotten out of the habit, and I think I'd like to start that up again, so here goes.

If it never goes any further than it has, will I be okay with that?

Today I came face to face with the realization that it might not. I might not be able to defeat the ghost, I might not stave off my wanderlust long enough. I might not be a classy enough guy for her. There are a lot of things that may go wrong.

There is a saying, trite beyond compare really, "Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved." It's true though, I'm a fan of falling, of getting in over your head and then... dealing with it. I've discovered something as I've tried to do that, the more I do it, the easier it is to give of myself and the easier it is to heal afterward. Love, like any muscle, needs exercise. Our souls are made to love, that is part of the design, we just have to get our minds out of the way long enough for the eternal font of life to shine through us.

Yes, it hurts. But the pain is small, you went all in and God respects that, he rewards you for your effort. I won't ever regret this, but I do regret hurting you, I shouldn't have responded the way I did. I should have been stronger, I am so sorry that my weakness was a source of your pain.

No one is perfect, me less so than most it seems, you didn't do anything wrong.

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Walking away (rough draft)

>> Monday, September 28, 2009

Walking away, just for a moment.
Gives the whispers a chance,
To tell me all the things I fight,
to fill me with the lies I refuse to believe.

Knowing that I soon must stand,
I wonder what strength I have.
Will tonight be when the resistance ends?
Or will Key still have something to write.

Turning away isn't possible.
All that's left is to hold on,
Till the fingers bleed
till the arms burn.

Where does the dreaming end?
And waking begin? When your
whole life is a nightmare
does reality even matter?

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Notice

Because I promised.

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The ocean

>> Sunday, September 27, 2009

There is a craving in my blood, for oceans and waves and sand. I feel like nothing is complete without them. I need to get out of this state.

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Ruminations 9/21

>> Monday, September 21, 2009

It's probably time for a real post here... one that isn't esoteric and really short. It has been an interesting last couple of weeks. The ride has been good. Most of my stress lately has been revolving around attempting to find a job. I don't think I even realized how draining it has been.

I have an interview tomorrow, I'm somewhat terrified of it, both if I get it and if I don't.

It's a long way away from home, and I have no transportation really since Gusto died. Things are complicated on the relationship front, and I don't really see them settling down anytime in the near future. I'm having mixed concerns with my new ward, and the way that they run things. Particularly my part in it. I feel like I know a lot of the people here, but don't really do anything with them. Being out of school puts me in a strange loop outside of the norm.

Today we had a lesson about how God gives us all our talents, and how we are ungrateful when we do not give all the credit to him for the things we accomplish. I thought at the same time, how we must also be grateful to the Father for all the weaknesses we have, for they are opportunities to grow. They are things he has trusted that we would be able to deal with, and it's not like he makes us deal with them alone enough. They are how we remember his love, and how we feel it most powerfully.

I don't often say thank you for the things that I struggle with, but maybe I should. Maybe I should be grateful he picked out for me a collection of tests designed to help me grow.

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No further

>> Thursday, September 17, 2009

From this point onward, I will be stronger. There will be no more instances of this failure.

This is my oath, to the wind. Until the shields are under me or the laurels become my right.

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Chooseing the Right

>> Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Is it right? What I'm doing...
Or is it just what I want?

How can I tell?

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Changes

>> Tuesday, September 08, 2009

There have been a lot of changes here lately... and it's likely that there will be some more. I'll be going through and adding labels to all my posts for one, and the advertisements on the side for another, I don't really expect to make any money off of the thing, but it couldn't hurt!

Still looking for a job, still trying to figure myself out. Someday I'll get one of those two probably, hopefully both of them. I should go and read my scriptures instead of sitting here updating, but it's a whole lot easier to deal with this than with God. I know... I'm coming.

Also, I'm starting up a new blog full of information that I'm not really certain I want everyone to have, if your name is Eric, Krystal or Sarah you could probably get that blog address/permission to see it, otherwise... you probably can't. Email or facebook.

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June 27th

>> Saturday, September 05, 2009

Sleep has fled before mine eyes and left me a desolate pilgrim wresting the mysteries of the world into a thousand forgotten memories which dance before my eyes like motes of light, and in the dancing half become remembered.

Tonight, I felt like being sullen. So, I was for a little while, just had to get it out of my system. And now, it's time to be happy again.

Also, sometimes I just don't get it.

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Under Pressure

>> Thursday, September 03, 2009

Ea reprimanded me for not posting, "as often as I check." So, I guess this means I need to write something.

I don't have a lot to say though... normally I write when I am feeling an excess of emotion that I am not finding acceptable methods of disclosure. However this hasn't been the case of late, and thus... I haven't felt the need to write.

So, travelog! I recently moved into my apartments here in the Milkyway. I have three really great room-mates, who I absolutely am going to love spending time with. We have been holding apartment scripture study, cleaning up after ourselves, etc. And while I realize this is still the Honeymoon stage of our apartment, I am hopeful for the future.

Mostly, lately I've just been incredibly grateful for the many blessings that I have in my life.

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Zion

>> Saturday, August 29, 2009

The laborer in Zion shall labor for Zion.

What is Zion? I'm so tired of this pain, I never get anyone closer to Zion, all that happens every time I let myself feel is that pain comes in, and I...

"Know thou my son, that all these things shall be for thy benefit... the Son of Man hath descended below them all, art thou greater than he?"

I'm trying, Lord, I am so sorry.

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Gusto

>> Friday, August 28, 2009

In high school my parents bought a '96 Plymouth Breeze. Shortly after I returned from my mission it was given to me as the car I would be driving. I have driven it ever since. I decided to call him Gusto, because as a four cylinder he didn't have any otherwise.

Gusto went to DC with us, he made the trip back from Georgia with me. I went to Michigan and then Colorado in him. I had my worst car accident in him. Both of them. Looking back I guess you could say Gusto has been 'mine' longer than anything else I own. When my parents moved to Georgia Gusto is really all I had left of home, the only home I've ever really called home.

Lately, I've been having arguments with my parents about fixing him up, I didn't really see a point, he has so many problems that I figured I would just drive him into the ground and that would be that. Tonight, he died. The starter has been acting up a lot lately and I knew the end was coming. But I don't think I was fully prepared for it. I know I wasn't. It was a quiet death, in his sleep I suppose you could say. He was pretty old for a car, and I didn't take as good a care of him as I ought to have...

I just didn't realize how much I'm going to miss him. How much I am going to miss a home. Ea said she was homesick today. I realize that I am too, I'm homesick for a place that doesn't exist anymore, for a period of my life that I can't go back to. How I wish things never had to change, that life would just go back to the way it was.

I'm going to miss Gusto, I'm going to miss the hole in the floor that I used to pick the lock so many times, I'm going to miss the metal bumper Brother Whiting put on when we drove it to DC. I'm going to miss the freedom he gave me, the memories I have of him. A hundred different things about him, about something that is so integrated into my life that it seems strange to give him up.

Some other memories of Gusto that I love:

Ashley: "Oh, you brought the good car today."

Emmaleigh: "This is going to be up here for a long time isn't it?"

Jason: "What is getting me wet? Where is this water coming from?"

Random New Yorker: "They hit your car!"

I'm going to miss you Gusto. I'm sorry that you have to go.

-C

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On Angel's Wings

>> Wednesday, August 26, 2009

It is funny sometimes, how often the Lord answers our prayers in ways that we don't comprehend, or even guess at until long after the event in question.

Lately, I have been trying to focus a lot on how many things I have been given. I suppose the source of this is in picking up Way to Be the first chapter of which was on gratitude. So, by no means a complete list, but things that I have been thinking of lately:

  • The Wind.
  • My family
  • The willingness of others to share
  • Jason
  • The Internet
  • Long nocturnal walks
  • Ice Cream
  • Blankets
  • Movies
  • Being able to recapture my childhood
  • The realization that today is all I have
  • The Scriptures
  • Prayer
  • Responses
  • Forgiveness
  • Truth
  • Eyes
  • Electro-Magnetic Pulses
  • The people who read this blog
  • The people who give me blogs to read


As an exercise I've been trying to name things I'm thankful for in my 'down' time, it is interesting what comes up in my head. I think I'm going to take a page out of Janell's book and swear off a few subjects on my blog, so... I'm going to avoid those particular subjects for the time being. Life is good, It is scary not knowing where I am going in life, but I have the assurance that I am walking in the right direction, and I guess I don't need anything more than that.

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A moment of quiet reflection.

>> Monday, August 24, 2009

I recently returned from the coast. I love the coast so much. It sets my heart at ease. It's strange, all the things that I've been dealing with for months, it just took twenty minutes on a beach at sunset, the sunset above actually. I still need to edit that with something other than paint, I'm not satisfied with the colors or the text. Anyway... It's amazing how much peace I can achieve with something so simple as a visit to the ocean.

Also, I realized how much I've missed talking to someone, all this summer I've had to keep up an illusion, a facade of strength that I never really felt. Now, I look forward with peace and see the difficult water ahead. It doesn't bother me that much.

I guess that's what happens when you remember, like Peter, to cry out, "Lord, save me."

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Words, words, words.

>> Monday, August 10, 2009

I realize I've been putting off life, and soon, life is going to catch up to me.

I have no idea what to do.

I realized yesterday, I wouldn't mind dying(not suicide)--at least then I'd know where I was going.

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Tanya

>> Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Once, when I was younger, we made the mile long trek to Verds, or Yerds (we were never really sure which) to make use of our pennies on their supply of penny candies. Verds was a mom and pop type shop that was positioned about a mile from my home, we would ride our bikes down there and grab 25 cent sodas, 1 cent orange slices and the like.

One day, we ran into a girl that was in my grade and her older sister. I said Hi, she said, Hi. Then her sister said, "So this is Asmond..."

It made me think she liked me, it made me consider Tanya in a new light. We weren't really 'friends,' but I've always sorta wondered... what if?

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Post Secret

>> Sunday, May 17, 2009

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New posts

>> Friday, May 08, 2009

Today I was talking to several people about poetry. It got me thinking about the beautiful things in the world. I found this, I think if I could be in this moment, my arm wrapped around the woman I love, and I could feel the slightly chill breeze drift in off the ocean, I could be happy, not just content but really, truly happy. Perhaps that's enough of a reason to go to the Celestial Kingdom, so I can visit this place and be in that moment, adrift from all the rest of humanity, isolated within the confines of that perfect moment.

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Post 193

>> Sunday, April 05, 2009

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how bad I am at this whole life thing. I don't mean to say that I do life badly, but rather that I don't really possess the skills needed to function in life. I simply don't handle life the way that the world wants me to. Because of my depression I can't do things like School, or a 'real' job. I am discovering that there is a delicate balance that I have to pull between those things that we do to sustain life and those things we do to make life worth living.

It just randomly posted that, so my apologies for anyone who read just a partial message.

These facts have become more evident to me this past semester when school got me to an 'overload' point, and then everything just shut down. I'm getting back to the point that I can function in society again... but it has been a costly meltdown. I will probably be asked to leave BYU after this semester. Probably for good. This means I'm going to need to go somewhere else, or get a real job. I think I could try UVSC, I know that several of my friends have said it is a much less competitive school. But I think that is sorta what I need in life.

I was watching, "Meet Joe Black" today, and I realized how unlike Bill I am. How I wish I were. People don't love me, I will never be the kind of person he was. I know people like that, and I envy them so much.

Oh god, have mercy on me. I am so tired of being like this. I just want to be free of it. I don't want to carry this burden any longer, it is too much for me. I wish I could say, "Not my will", but I can't. What can I do?

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The path to walk

>> Monday, March 30, 2009

Last night I saw two futures,
One, the me that had
through fire, trial and pain
Become a being of excellence.
The other, through ease and idleness
achieved a sort of non-existence.

I knew the paths each had took
I knew the way that led to
Greatness and obsolescence
What scared me was not
How high I flew,
or how low I sunk.

But rather, that on waking
I was not sure which path to walk.

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Poetry

>> Friday, March 13, 2009

I'm afraid to go to bed. I'm afraid of the demons that haunt me there. I've been thinking a lot about the kind of person I want to be, and what I think happiness is. The happy man I see in the mirror and around the corner is such a better person than this feeble body allows it to be.



Good Timber

The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
That stood out in the open plain,
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king,
But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil,
To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man,
But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow in ease.
The stronger wind, the stronger trees,
The farther sky, the greater length,
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In tree or man, good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.
~ Douglas Malloch

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A reason.

>> Friday, March 06, 2009

There's a reason
I get up
day after day.

There's a reason
I feel this way
O, let there be a reason.
Some lesson I must learn,
some heart that needs to heal.

How long?
How long
since I could walk?
Searching all the wrong places.
Finding not
but broken dreams.
There's a reason.
Let me find the reason.

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Relationship advice.

>> Monday, March 02, 2009

I should never give this out. I should never get involved. All I end up doing is get people hating me.

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What I should be doing...

>> Saturday, February 28, 2009

I know I SHOULD be in bed right now... here is a list of all the other things I should be doing...

Writing a letter to Spain.
Dreaming about d'Artagnan.
Pondering more fully the meaning of Mormon 2:13.
My midterm/final for IT251(a).
Stop A.
My CS235 project due Thursday.
My IT210 project due Wednesday.
The five(ish) C programs I need to turn in for IT251.
Cleaning Checks.
Stop B.
Planning a date for tomorrow(today), since my group canceled on me.
Asking out Retreat girl.
Writing a second letter to Spain.
Reading my homework for my religion course.
My taxes.
Stop C.
Writing an email to B.Harmon.
Go to bed.
Watch the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
Get D.
Ask out Super.
Make a decision one way or the other on that one.
Pick a pony and ride.
FASFA.
Find an apartment to live in for the next year.
Make this into a ul.
Learn how to use a UML diagram program for state machines.
Finish that lab write up.
Pray.

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Square Peg, Round Hole.

>> Saturday, February 14, 2009

Some day I'll learn that you can't put a square peg in a round hole and expect it to fit. I really do wish it would though.

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Letter: Valentines

Happy Valentines Day!

It snowed again. ERGH!

On Wednesday I went diving, a normal enough chain of events... except that when we came up after our fourth dive, something happened. I got out of the water, started putting away my gear, changing into my clothes you know, the stuff one normally does when you get out of the water. My dive buddy didn't get out though. After I was in my clothes he called out, "Help." What followed is difficult to describe as I tried to keep him and myself calm through him losing the ability to move his limbs. The ambulance was called, paramedics came and we managed to get him out of the water, out of his gear and onto a stretcher.

He asked me to call his sister and tell her what happened, while I finished packing up the rest of his things and brought his car (we carpooled up) down to the hospital. So, I called her and told her what I knew, but in the confusion of the moment we weren't sure which hospital he had been taken to, so I had to try and keep her calm and tell her what was happening. I felt so helpless, there was information that I had, but I didn't know how to tell her, I wonder if that's what the early apostles felt as they tried so desperately to tell their followers everything they could to help them return to God. Only to have the message unclear. "As through a glass darkly." The dive buddy is okay, they finally gave him O2 (like we had been telling them to do for a while) and he started to recover quite quickly. They aren't sure what happened to him.

I was listening to some of the TED talks this week, TED is a conference held annually whose premise is to share ideas worth spreading. Basically the worlds smartest people get together and share ideas on how things should work. A friend of mine got me interested in them last year and I've been perusing them a bit since. One that I noticed (after he posted it on his blog) was a talk given by Elizabeth Gilbert the subject was creative juices. She talked in particular about how in the Greek and Roman days the belief was that each person was given a genius or daemon that would whisper the ideas to their minds. This being was who was responsible for the worth of the work that was created.

She says that this serves two purposes, one: it protects the author from pride. The idea isn't theirs, it is the daemon's. They were just the tool for the expression thereof. Also, if it stunk... well, that wasn't you that stunk, it was the daemon. And it wasn't until much later that people started being described as being a genius for their works, rather than having a genius in their work. The part that made me want to mention it though is that occasionally a dancer or an actor would have this Genius come upon them and inspire them to greater heights than they could previously have attained. This again, wasn't the person... but the genius that aided them. The Islamic faith took this idea and said that it was in fact Allah that was doing this, and they would chant, "Allah." when these particularly amazing events happened.

Then they invaded Spain! The phrase became Spanish and eventually it morphed into the modern day term, "Ole."

Hope you have a wonderful Valentines day(I'm repeating myself, deal with it) and weekend in general.

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Letter: Last Sunday

>> Thursday, February 05, 2009

I left the lights on in my car and haven't had access to it for most of the week, which actually turned out to be a good thing because... it was just a lot of fun and I got to talk to several really interesting people on the bus. I love the bus, it is one of the few opportunities every day that I am given to share the gospel. Last week I met a girl named G who was really just a quality individual and as we talked she told me about issues that she was having with her family and with school and her health. It was nice to be able to share some of the ways I've managed to over come similar issues in life.

On Wednesday I had the wonderful opportunity to be asked on a 'date' by the wonderful JK. And we went and watched "Thoroughly Modern Millie" which was absolutely hilarious. It was a BYU production, and the Title char was a little weak on the performance side, made especially apparent by how good all the supporting characters are. It was also just fabulous to spend time with JK. It seems like she's in need of some recharging every now and again, and she was a lot happier toward the end of the performance. Makes me sad to think about it.

Anyway... I had been calling around looking for a double date so that Jay and I could do something fun and not having much luck so I decided to accept an invitation to go to a retreat for the Student Honor Association(SHA) it's mostly just for their volunteers so it was a lot of fun to spend time with these people outside of 'work' type situations. We played Murder in the Dark 'till almost dawn, it was so much fun. The house they held it in, was built by some excessively rich individual and he donated it to the church, it's now used for church functions and campus groups can 'rent' it out and have activities up there. It's MASSIVE, and has a lot of really good places to hide and such, which makes Murder in the Dark fabulous. It's kinda become a SHA tradition.

I got home just in time to head up to SLC for an amazing Saturday morning and a wonderful cap on the weekend. I'm not sure how much longer I can head up there, I'm having to restrict my hours at work so as to deal with the class load, which means money will be a little tighter than I would prefer. Hopefully tax refunds will save it.

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Radiation

>> Thursday, January 29, 2009

Hold your hands as close together as you can without actually touching.

Keep them there for a few seconds, at least ten. Now, slowly move them apart and back together again.
"
As you do this you SHOULD feel a 'pulling' sensation in your hands, particularly as you increase the distance between the palms. This is a magnetic field that your body creates, in close proximity to your hands, and the very sensitive neurons contained inside, you begin to feel these pulses.

It is a force, invisible to the person yet as inescapable in it's influence as gravity, or heat. The important information here is that the body generates this invisible force. What if it could generate more? What if it did so on a regular basis?

"Let your light so shine before men, that they might see your good works and glorify your father which is in heaven."

On that same token, visible light is only a small range of the electromagnetic spectrum.



The other aspects of that spectrum, are the waves that heat your food in a microwave, the radar we rely on in modern transportation, weather systems, radios, television, x-rays and in the creation of the Hulk.

What would happen if we were emitting a force, like any of those listed above from our bodies that allow us receive inspiration from God, and allow our prayers to reach heaven. Just as we can under special circumstances 'see' or feel the electric energies our bodies create, sometimes we can 'see' or feel these other energies.

You feel it in peoples lives, how they live affects these energies that they emit and others, who are trained or receptive to these energies can feel them. You've had those moments when walking into a room and you can feel the tension, the grief or the joy. These energies that we emit constantly affect those around us for good or for ill. Our personal radiation is a representation of our influences on the people around us. They are subtle, they are mostly intangible, but how often do we hear stories of people who are monumentally affected by small and simple things?

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Letter: 1-25

>> Monday, January 26, 2009

Last week as I was leaving a game night from my friend's house I walked out the door and looked up, a three point deer was probably 20 feet away from me just... walking down the sidewalk like it was made for him. It was one of those quiet moments when life just seems to slow down and everything comes down to the here and now. It was amazing and I followed it down the sidewalk for about half a block before it got spooked by a car and ran away.

The rest of the week was filled with homework, I had a bunch of labs that were due during the middle of the week, one in particular that got real close to the deadline, worked on it all Monday and some of Tuesday (it was due Thursday) and couldn't get some of the bugs worked out, so I was approaching what everyone had said was the hardest part of the lab on Thursday afternoon, I had about 3 hours before work and was actually planning on skipping some of that if need be. But lo and behold! I got in there and everything just... worked it was great. I managed to get rid of the last few pesky bugs and programing the I/O aspect of the lab in about an hour and a half. Thus leaving me with an unprecedented hour of free time which I used to explore the Talmage, it's under renovation in the basement so several of the doors to 'service' areas were opened and I got to explore down there in the furnace room and stuff. It was a lot of fun.

On Friday I did more homework and work, at work I'm mostly on a project for in development working on getting a Standard Development Kit(sdk) for blackboard integrated into our current course content creation systems. Basically... just me fighting against blackboard propitiatory requirements. It's awesome fun.

But that evening I went to a play called "Rabbit Hole" which was really interesting. It is about a couple that loses their son to an accident (dog chases squirrel into street, son chases dog into street, car swerves to avoid dog, hits boy) and how they deal with the grief of it all.

It made me so very grateful for the gospel, and the ability to have families sealed together. Yes, I suppose there is still a grieving process but if you have faith in the gospel you don't have to feel like they have been stripped away from you, or anything. You get that assurance that everything is in God's hands and we just simply have to let him take the burdens we carry from us and all will be well.

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Letter: Service and God's Love

>> Thursday, January 15, 2009

Today I was asked to traverse the distance from work to Sandy, and then back again.

It was something I jumped at, because I don't often have work to do at work, so it's nice to have a two hour chunk of time that is given meaning. While on the way there...

I saw some of the coolest houses in one of the coolest neighborhoods that I've ever been to. It was neat to see all the very unique houses they were all newly built but still had a lot of the pre-existing life around them. So these nice ancient trees and stuff. I loved it. Also, I managed to see a motorcycle with two rear wheels. A trike if you will. It was cool.

Life has been rather hectic lately... I'm know I haven't told you this directly, but I'm not a very good student. So I've been trying to arrange a lot of things with the school and make sure doing all that planning stuff. It's taken a lot out of me and I don't really want to disclose the details but know that all is finally right in the world. That's the reason I haven't had any really interesting stories to tell you. The whole school thing has been chomping away at me and it takes a toll on my facilities.

Thank you for helping me get my feet on the path again, it's the hardest when you don't even realize you were off.

I hope you are enjoying your time in Spain. I'm sure it must be beautiful, but then there is a beauty in life everywhere you look, so long as you are actually looking. Today I was reading my teachings of the living prophets pamphlets and I came across a quote by Joseph Smith that I absolutely loved, it reads: "Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof until long after the events transpire." I was pondering this as I walked home from school and when I got home there was a friend of mine who made known to me that she was having a difficult time so I quoted the text to her. As we talked she stated the things that I needed to hear, the things that God wanted me to hear. In return I was able to give her the words of comfort she was craving at that time. I love how the Lord allows us to help others and in doing so gives us so much in return.

I am so very grateful for the Spirit, for living prophets, I don't know what I would do without them. Every time I wander the Lord sends his angels to bring me back. How comforting the knowledge that the Saviour loves me and is mindful of me every moment. It gives me the strength to carry on, it gives me the hope to endure and the peace to do it well.

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Svithing Early

>> Saturday, January 10, 2009

While I was waiting in line for some counselor or other this week (first week of school will do that to you), I came across an article in the Ensign about sharing the gospel over the internet. I know that not many people read this blog and most of those that do are already members of the church, but on the off chance that someone randomly google searches this site... I figured I feel responsible to share this.

My name is ______ _____, I am a 25 year old member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints(LDS). I served a mission for said church in Fort Worth, Texas and the surrounding environs--which is to say that I spent just under two years trying to be an instrument in the hands of The Almighty to help his children discover the path back to his presence and the eternal joy that is his gift to those who do.

I have not always been active, or even a believer in the church and doctrines contained in it. I was converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ as restored through Joseph Smith when I was about 16. I was raised LDS and served in the church as a Deacons and a Teachers Quorum president prior to going inactive. I knew the doctrine of the church, although I had never really read the scriptures or prayed about it. The two years I spent away from the gospel were some of the darkest years of my past.

I spiraled down into a place where life had lost colors, existence was a dull gray that lingered from waking to sleeping. I tried to escape from it however I could, literature and video games became my only real friends--for they saved me from the bleakness of my everyday life. Eventually, they weren't enough and I began to consider suicide as the only visible light at the end of the tunnel.

It was at this dark time, during a newspaper class that one of my teachers asked how I was doing and was concerned enough about my response that she alerted my parents. Who took me to a counselor. I can't say the counselor helped much, but the realization that there were people who cared about me resonated through my body and gave me the strength to keep moving. It wasn't easy, it didn't come all at once, I was put on prosac and slowly the colors of life came back into focus.

Still, it wasn't enough. I was relying upon the medication and it had a leveling effect which allowed me to escape the dark pit but prevented me from feeling the joy I saw in those around me. During this time I had developed friendships with two important individuals. Jay (whom I have mentioned in this blog) and a gent by the name of Jeremy.

Jeremy and I would associate, irregularly--but often enough--and for the first time in my life I saw what a family that lived the gospel together was like. Jeremy invited me to his Family Home Evenings and I believe that my bitter heart began to be softened to the spirit by this gentle exposure. Jay and Jeremy together decided they wanted to go to EFY (Especially for Youth. Which is a program the LDS church puts on every year as a means of helping the youth of today deal with the problems and concerns they deal with.) and not wanting to be left alone for a week, I asked my Mother if she would sign me up. I'm certain she felt this to be the answer to her prayers.

While at EFY I again and again felt the Spirit of the Lord come upon me. It worked within me until I desired to change, and I did. Again, it was not easy, I fought every day with the habits that I myself had built up to prevent me from feeling pain or joy, but eventually with His help I was able to walk outside of those barriers and return once more to living. My senior year of High School was filled with many faith building moments. Moments that led me to desire to serve a mission and further change my life.

I battled depression every step of the way, fighting against the urge to give up and surrender. I wake up every morning and continue that struggle. My problems have not diminished one iota, but my capacity to deal with them has improved over the past 9 years. Yes, I still make mistakes, this isn't a fight that I think I shall ever win in mortality. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe in God, and I believe in repentance. I know that I am able to change and I am changing. Joy isn't as hard to find these days, despite the mounting trials of adulthood, dating, money and education.

I have found peace in this life, and that peace gives me hope and that hope which comes from faith has made an anchor for my soul. I am convinced that without the ressurected Lord and his restored gospel through the Prophet Joesph Smith, I would not have had these past nine years. I would not have the joy of your company and many of the experiences in life that I relish with great satisfaction. I know God lives and loves me, and I hope you too may find his peace.

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Letters

>> Tuesday, January 06, 2009

The previous post and probably the next four months worth are and probably will be written as letters to a friend of mine. Things will be edited out. Hope you can make sense of them.

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Vents? VENTS? VENTS!?!?!?

So, I came home from Florida and enjoyed a weekend of doing little or nothing, before I was forced into the school life once again. Monday started out innocently enough... class and then home in the driven snow. During this time I came to think that perhaps my tennis shoes were defective, as my feet were much cooler than they were supposed to be, still I didn't think too much about it.

Until that evening. When I had to excavate my car. Before Florida I went to my friend's cabin... and then to the airport. All in all my car hadn't been driven in 3 weeks. Three weeks of snow. This is when I discovered why my feet were cold. Apparently my tennis shoes, in an effort to make allow the feet to breath, have vents in the top. The vents are covered in a thin mesh, snow gets through thin mesh, wet socks are not fun. I went bowling with my ward, met a good friend I hadn't seen in several years while I was waiting for everything to start up. Wagered with the twins that they couldn't beat my score, they now owe me dinner. Well... one of them does, the problem is I'm not exactly sure which. O.o

Thank you for giving me back an appreciate for snow, It's been coming down pretty hard lately, straight since Saturday evening really. I have a winter wonderland to play in, and it is fabulous. Another interesting story... today while I was cooking dinner I started to sing, "I will survive," my room-mate Justin started to whistle along with me. Austin started dancing. Chad started snapping his fingers, and the new guy (whose name I cannot for the life of me remember) started pounding the floor. It felt like a musical all of us just started in on the song and carried it through the entire length. It was amazing.

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Christmas Break Thus Far

>> Friday, January 02, 2009

Well, life hasn't been milk and honey, but it's been pretty dang good. Eve and I are progressing as well as could be expected with her leaving the country and me being mostly crazy. School is over and I've just now returned from a place where shorts were far more comfortable than pants and am not looking forward to the reverse that Winter in Utah is bound to give me.

I read several amazing books for the first time: From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankwiler, Holes, The Christmas Box, Matilda, The Little Prince, and am currently in the middle of the Watership Down and Little Women, as well as a Wheel of Time book.

I've been Scuba Diving, Sailing, Jet Skiing, Snow Mobiling, Sledding, Beech sleeping, Snorkling and Flying. Pictures will follow.

A happy new year to you and a merry Christmas past to you.

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