White -> Black

It has come to my attention that I am: not as smart as I think I am, not as dilligent as I need to be, and nowhere near as good as I want to be. This realization comes with another, I have been identified as a white, but something Katya said made me think. You see, I don't test white. I test the way I want to test. What does that mean? I think I'm turning black.

Bah, stop your muttering, I'm not concerned with what you think I am. I know me, I know the reasons I do things, and I'm telling you, I don't care for anyone but myself. Sure I do nice things for others, mostly because I want to feel good inside. But the problem is there isn't anything left inside to feel. So I strive for some sort of passion--some release from the tyrany of emptiness--that will fill up the void within me; and nothing works.

Today I met a girl whom I thought I could enjoy spending more time with. The problem is I don't trust myself in a relationship. Not after Sunday. Not after that. I wonder if this is a multitude of little marbles, or just one, or even none at all. Perhaps it's time for me to go back and share. The only question I have is what should I share? I am an open person, I will tell you about me if you ask(it might take a few times asking...but it'll come) I just don't open up to people.

I'm begining to think it's because there is nothing left to open up.