Smile now, Cry later

Today I stated that I was orange.

Which is true...I suppose. I just often feel as though I live in a world where the real me hides behind the orange mask of me. On my mission I talked to a gentleman whom had fallen away from the church and had tattoos all over his body. One in particular caught my attention. It was that of a clown, split down the center. On one side the laughing smiling face that the clown must show to the public. The other, a crying frowning clown that was the face he showed no one. Now of course in his case this was a representation of a life of immediate gratification at the cost of future pain.

However I think it applies to myself. I have often-times called myself the Jester. Always the centre of attention but never really accepted as an equal among those whom I associate. The one to be called upon to entertain the one to send away when 'real' matters become the subject of thought.

I'm not sure where this is going... but I guess I'm just feeling as though I am missing out on some sort of vital life experience because I have managed to emotionally distance myself from people. Well, the problem there-in lies that I also distance myself from all emotion.

That includes the good ones. But recently as I've tried to recreate a sense of spiritual fervor but it's hard when you've voided emotion for so long. I want a relationship with God, because I want a relationship with those around me. I don't know how to open up my emotions to people. My thoughts yes...but I can't seem to share how I feel with them. Maybe it's a male thing. Maybe I just don't know what the heck to say because that bloody "Y" chromosome keeps getting in the way. But I think not. When I read the scriptures lately I keep getting this feeling of longing.

Not from my side of the pages but from HIS. He wants me to come to him, he wants me to give him my problems, he wants it more than I want to give it to him. But I can't. I've been trying cry for weeks. The things that I've gone through need tears, but I can't give them. I can't break the walls I've built around my feelings. I've come close but my defense mechanisms always jump in and prevent me from going any further.

Will I always be so emotionally dead?
Why would God want to give me his love more than I want to receive it?