Frustrations

I've had it!

Okay, not really...but I'm getting sick of this feeling of being dead weight.

Gosh dang it, this real life thing stinks to high heaven. Yesterday night I helped one of the salesmen and his wife get Internet. Well, tried too--but that doesn't matter. While I was there, I felt the renewed sense that my life is going nowhere. I know that I have to jump a few hurdles and eventually it will all come out for the best, but sometimes it's hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have to go home and move rooms again, I’ll have lived in all three of the rooms in my apartment, I haven’t eaten a decent home cooked meal in ages and I really want some beef stew. I’m not sure if everyone feels like this, but sometimes it just feels like everyone around you hates you and would rather see you dead than anything else, I’m in one of those moments now. I really just need to go read my scriptures instead of trying to take my anger out here.

Oh well, have fun all.
-Asmond

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Scripture Study

3 Nephi 17:4 But now I go unto the Father, and also to show myself unto the lost tribes of Israel, for they are not lost unto the Father, for he knoweth wither he hath taken them.

As I sit and ponder that scripture, I wonder at the enormity of life, I sit on my porch looking out over two apartment complexes, I know behind me there are four young men and I know in front of me are hundreds upon thousands of others. These are the lost tribes of Israel, the sons and daughters of God. I look at some of them, and I know that they are lost, I know that... they have yet to find the Father.

Today I was asked why I got up in the morning. I responded that the idea that there is another idea is what got me up. As I think about it, I'm not sure if that is entirely correct. I get up in the morning with the hope that someone out there will find me today. I don't mean that I am lost, although I guess in a way I am. I want to connect with another soul, to be found in the sense that together we are complete. I want to be of use in this life, I want my life to have a meaning to have a purpose. I don't think I want to be rich; I don't want to alter the course of the world. All I want is to mean the world to someone else.

I think about the atonement, and I wonder how He could love me that much...could love me enough to die for me. Do I mean the world to Him? I want to find meaning I want to connect to someone, and I look around me at the world that I see and more often than not I find that their arms are stretched out searching for something themselves, but we are unable to fulfill the needs that the other has. We are unable to find the lost. And I read the scriptures, the lament of 3 Nephi 10, as the Savoir tells the Nephites over, and over, and over that His arms are stretched out still, that he will still gather them. I think that his work isn't done. The work which he left the Nephites that day to go do...he is still doing it. He is going to the lost of the Tribes of Israel. He is visiting the children.

But he isn't appearing in pillars of fire and descending from above in glory...he merely enters into the hearts of those who are willing to let him in, and he gives them the same gift he gave the Nephites.

v. 5, And it came to pass that when Jesus had thus spoken, he cast his eyes round about again on the multitude, and beheld they were in tears, and did look steadfastly upon him as if they would ask him to tarry a little longer.

And he did heal those who were physically sick, and did begin the much longer process of healing those who were spiritually sick. He sought to give them the gift that they could not achieve for themselves. He sought to bring them to the Father. To lead them gently back to Him, because while lost unto themselves they were never lost to Him. How often do I look at people and make judgments, "He is stupid," "He is lazy," "he is on probation." I make these judgments and I wonder...why am I doing this? I want to connect to someone, but I refuse the only arms that are truly outstretched, yes there are others that I can reach out, and hold onto but without Him...I will lose my grip eventually I shall become lost again. I must make him the priority and figure out what to do with all the rest of it, discard or use it. I must love Him before I can love another. I must love myself before I can love Him...

I wonder what Jesus said in that prayer, I wish I knew, I wish I could feel of his love for me, and for those around me. I wish I could make that a part of my life, a part of my existence. What changes would it make, can I make them now? I pray I may, I pray that I can walk more closely in the steps he made as I walk along the sand toward my final destination. And hopefully one day I will look up and find that they have led me home. And that all of you are there with me...

It's strange, I don't know everyone that reads this...but I know a few. And I hope that they come with me, as we make the dark and difficult journey. It becomes easier when you have company.

-Asmond

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My Birthday

Well, In about twenty-five minutes I will be twenty two. That's kinda weird.

I guess I should update this a little. I am currently in Colorado Springs, and have been for the past week or so. They transfered our office here the Sunday before last. My car has broken down twice since I've been here and I already got snuffed by a girl--who chose my room-mate, who then moved out, coicidence? I think not--it's been a good week in other words. Life is great, and I'm going to keep on keeping on, I best be going now...talk to you all later...

-Asmond

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Self-Image

This isn't going to have a whole lot of cohesiveness...so feel free to skip.

Today I got a call from the office manager asking me when would be a good time tomorrow for me to do a job. Well...I asked why? As normally the jobs tomorrow would be given in order of the rotation and I was certainly not going to be next on the rotation. Well, she said that the salesman specifically asked for me. I have no idea why, but for some reason this guy (one of our best salesmen) thinks that I do a good job and wanted me to do a particularly difficult job. I don't get it though? I'm not one of the best Techs...yeah my systems all work and the only service calls I get are from people who are canceling...but...I'm not the fastest, I'm not the best by any means. Why would they want me?

I keep thinking that perhaps I have a self-image problem. I was talking to someone the other day and I told them that it was very easy to compare the best parts of others with the worst parts of ourselves. Trying to convince her of the things that I thought were amazing about her, she kept saying that she wasn't as smart and that she was somehow 'sneaking' her way into getting people to think she is smarter than she actually is. (The girl is the freaking Valedictorian of a class of 700+). So do I suffer from similar problems? Just now I was talking to Novel and I told her that I wasn't exactly prime rib. She made a comment that got me thinking, "Who wants prime rib anyway?" Well, the answer: A lot of Men. "And that's what you want?" "Well...okay, so I'm not a ceaser salad with all the fixings." I realized that I had been making a generality, assuming that EVERYONE wants the same thing. Everyone wants Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, or Britney Spears. But they don't, Uffish likes Tomato Sandwiches, I hate tomatos. Somewhere out there, there is someone that is looking for a plate full of Asmond(maybe a bowl...I like soups more often than anything else...so I think I'd defiantly be a soup...not something you could put on a plate...yes, a nice thick hearty stew...yummy...I miss Mom's cooking) and I just have to figure out who she is.

I don't have to worry that I'm Sauerkraut or Blood Sausage, Tripe or Menudo, someone out there thinks those things are good! I think they are a little off their rocker, but someone likes them. So...I guess I don't need to worry so much about becoming the person that everyone wants and just become the person I can live with for the rest of eternity.

A couple more random thought sand then I'll end I think: My arm is all scratched up, I'm going to have tons of scars after this summer, today’s battle wounds with the wire striper, the needle nose and my drill: A long scrape from the elbow to two inches below the base of the thumb--cause: Bending over and scraping my arm across a drill bit in my belt. A flap of skin hanging off just below my pinkie toward the palm--cause: A sharp wire in the RJ block that cut up as I was trying to strip some other wire. An index finger with a scab on the first knuckle after getting it caught in the cutting part of the needle nose pliers while trying to close a dolphin clip.

Oh, I stopped to help a man with his Tire today...he had already changed it but I felt good just for stopping. I like doing random acts of kindness, they make me feel good inside, I think I'll start looking for more chances.

Today as I was listening to NPR(for some reason I've been listening to that lately) the thought came to me that M. might actually have feelings and thoughts all of his own and that the reason he did things is a direct result of things that have happened in the past. That the old Lady I had just explained how to use the system too and which couldn't understand really just couldn't understand and that she was having a hard time and I should have had more patience with her. I't shard to remember that sometimes other people have problems and concerns that they have worrying them, but imagine what would happen if everyone assumed that everyone else was as precious as they themselves were...and that everyone had problems...I need to start thinking more like that. Anyway, time for bed. I love ya'll

-Asmond

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God and Hearts

As I have been thinking quite a bit about hearts, and the various fuctions that they serve mankind I have been thinking, wondering really, why they are so important.

Often times one will read in literature that to fall in love is to give your heart to someone. Now, the concept of falling in love aside, why is the heart so often associated with love and other emotions? Emotions are felt, they are expeirenced in the brain. That is where we experience all things, most of us consider our heads to be the focul point of our bodies, and rightly so. In all respects but our emotions those are the sole property of the heart.

Why? Why this discrepensy? Why is the heart so very different from every other act, thought, concept that is known to man? Few things have caught the attention of poet, warrior, suiter, king or scientist with more frequency than the heart.

Some purely physical symbolism: The heart is realtivly unprotected, left vulnerable to outside ministration, both good...and bad. You can replace a heart, you cannot replace a brain. If damage to done to part of the brain, life becomes difficult, if damage is done to part of the heart, life becomes threatened. THe heart is the pumpting station for the blood, which is the symbol of mortality and sin.

But all this doesn't matter, although quite interesting. The question I've been wondering, is whose responsibility is it to change the heart? I have a friend not much older than me, who is on his third heart. His body is rejecting them--having decided that it is not it's own--he has decided not to take the pills to fight it off. He will soon die. (Incidentally, my friend served a mission in the main family history center where he became good friends of Elder Bednar's, and the good Apostle's last talk was given with my friend in mind.) Sometimes I think we are like my friend in a spiritual sense, we are given a new heart but are unable to accept this, it goes against our nature and we must continually recieve the help to keep ourselves from rejecting this new heart.

God has given us our hearts...but he gives unto us the keeping. Our desires are our own creation, one may choose to accept or reject the gifts given to them.

I'm tired and this isn't making much sense...but the main thought is: God gives us the chance to heal our broken hearts, but it's up to us to take the steps needed for healing, or replacement. It is hard to go from a heart of stone o a heart of flesh. But it is the task of us all to make sure that we do just that. Ipray that one day I might do as Moses directed the children of Isreal, after describing the scattering of Israel: But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.

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An interesting week. I've been thinking a lot about hearts lately. How does a man change his heart? Is it his responsibility or does God take part of that upon himself? Okay...I can't talk about this while I'm thinking about star wars! I get to see it tomorrow morning! Oh my gosh I'm sooooooooooooooooooo freaking excited.

-Asmond

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Purposes Advanced

Well, at the request of my good bishop I've decided to start writing in this a bit more often. It's strange to think how many people read this but at the same time it is a good outlet into the life I am.

Thinking about it, a question on Blue Beta comes to mind about diaries, I don't really concern myself with other people's diaries and don't really care if they read mine. And the evidence of that lies in this--this blog. This is my diary. Today was one filled with...amazement.

Lately I've been really feeling --for the first time in a long, long time-- as though God had deserted me. I've felt bereft of the Spirit and the guiding light he gives. This has been evidenced only too closely as I've tried to give guidance to my friends in their spiritual and emotional woes. I just didn't have the words to say, and that more than anything else has been putting me on an edge which I cannot abide. And so, today I went and I talked to my new Bishop. I've had the unfortunate chance of getting to know several bishop's fairly well. And they always amaze me by the clarity of their wisdom. Truly they are inspired men who are sent here by a loving Father to help us pass through these troubled waters and come across the mountain deep--the conqueror of trial and sorrow.

Today I read my scriptures, I said a prayer I made steps to form a pattern of life where those things would be come regular parts of my existence. And to that end: I was able to give decent advice for the first time in weeks. It wasn't as good as it used to be, it wasn't as easy or clear as it used to come, but it came. Oh the joy that fills the soul to know that he has been the vessel of the Lord in delivering the Love of the Father to one of his precious children. The interesting thing was that the person to whom I was giving the advice was someone who I previously had little to no emotional attachment. Yet as we talked, I discovered an empathy and desire for his welfare that never had existed before. I can see through the shroud of fear and pain and darkness that has clouded my mind for so long and for the first time in...well as far as I can remember I see the joy that can come from being selflessly devoted to the welfare of others. I desire above all else to be happy, but these last few hours I've decided that I have a desire almost as strong--one which is almost entirely complimentary to the desire to be happy--the desire to see those around me happy as well.

I've been reading Les Mis(or my brick as my roomies affectionatly call it)--which is such a great book--and the theme seems to be an overarching benefit to those whose lives are lived in the service and welfare of the common man. Not for the general masses but to the individual whom needs soo much and asks for so little. There are desperate cries all around us now, the cries which we all silently scream into the night, the desperation of loneliness, the anger of betrayal, the black wave of hopelessness all surge outward waiting for a receptive ear to lend it's time, a shoulder to cry upon, and a hand to lift up. I wonder how one can attune the ear to hear those cries to see behind the facade which we all bear and seek the depths of pain and suffering where the mere presence of another is the Gilead balm needed. To have someone there to bear your sorrow with you--what more could the suffer want?

Perhaps that is the true reason for the Atonement, so that there might be someone beside us, lifting the load when we are too weary to press on alone. I like that thought. I like it a lot. For the first time I see how faith in the savior can be such a reassuring thing. Because life only has meaning when there is someone there to share it with.

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Reflections on Love

It's been an acculmilation of events that have led me to this post. I'm not sure what order they are in, and so this is mostly just going to be me rambling for a bit as I explore my thoughts--I pray your forgiveness.

I just finished watching Phantom of the Opera. Yes, I watched it late at night with two men in an appartment hundreds upon hundreds of miles away from any girl that I wanted to watch it with--okay so I just had a great talk with my roomie, and we talked about a lot of stuff.

A poem that I want to write:

Take this heart and open up the tide.
It's building up--it's just too high.
Kiss the ground, watch the wake
surf the edge where flaws become real
Rise aboe tghe petty chatter,
take the part you're offered and fly
Above the clouds, above the sky,
Eat your fill, the'res more to come
The heart bound up in broken tongue
turn, turn, turn away from darkness
light, darkest night and lightest life
Wrap the world inside your fingers
Clutch on tight, forget the tears
Spinning idly for a few more years.
Take my broken heart and go
Take it wherever, just let it be with you.
This struggle, who are you?
The one who will take me as I am
Are you man or beast, flame or glory?
Are you the girl of my dreams?
Are you my Lord and Master?
Where does my loyalty lie?
Take my broken heart and go.
I don't know where I don't know how
just take my broken heart and go.


Haven't proof read that or anything, just random thoughts that came out as I typed. Anyway, I keep wondering how to open up. I find it very easy to talk about myself--but I don't open myself up. I find that I begin to give someone a narrative about who I am instead of opening my heart and letting them see for themselves. Often I paint a darker hue or highlight only the gilded edges. How does one allow someone to come in and see the room for what it is? The gilded edges which display strength with percision, the dark corners where flaws hide, the worn furniture of habit and the golden treasure of dreams?

What is the secret that will unlock the gate and finally let someone else into my heart? Will that person be my wife? My God? Where are my priorities? How do you let someone see you for who you are when you have no idea who you are? I was listening to a Christan Rock channel on the radio for a bit today, and a song I heard comes to mind: All the gold, and treasure of the world, could never fill the emptyness of my soul. obviously the answer I've been taught all my life is God, but can I ever love someone I cannot see? I'm just a confused little kid still, wondering where to go from here and how to find a decent map so that I won't have to worry about how to get there.

I hope this makes sense. Life doesn't make much most of the time I've decided. I wonder why God made it soo darn hard, I guess if you want to make something strong you don't give it little itty bitty challenges. or no challenges at all. But sometimes I wonder if he isn't giving me a little bit more than I can handle. God Bless you all, and thanks for reading my exagerated thought pattern put to paper, I hope you learned something form it, I know I did.

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To michigan

Well, after a few delays and some car problems I'm here in Michigan installing security systems. I don't really have a computer with access to the net...we are currently hijacking some poor schmuck's wireless connection on our labtops...and by our I mean my roomies...It feels somewhat illegal but at the same time...*shrugs* It suits our purposes and we won't be staying here that long. We're going to be moving come Friday so that J and M and I can all live in the same place. J and I are currently living together and M basically lives here...although he does sleep elsewhere.

It was a fun few days, We were going to leave early Sunday Morning, but M didn't register his car and we were forced to make a few delays. So, Monday morning about noon we finally managed to make our exit and I left for my first real trip away from home, the mission excepted. It's kinda strange, I've always had someone to fall back on, parents, the Mission Pres., but here...there isn't anyone to come to the rescue and I have to do everything on my own.

It's really strange...but I'll talk about the trip here a little, at Novel's request.

We managed to get as far as North Platte, (the entire trip here I felt like I was playing Oregon Trail....backwards and in a car, I kept waiting for a little screen to pop up asking how I'd like to cross the river, hire the indian or ferry the boat. So...in North Platte J and M convinced me that staying in the cars would be a bad thing and we got a Hotel for the night. THEN, we started driving the next morning, and for some reason we didn't manage to make it the 200 miles to Omaha until like...3, and we visited M's brother and sister. About five we left and decided to try and make it the rest of the way to Grand Rapids that night. Everything was going fine, minus a few wrong turns by those who are less excellent map readers than I, right up until we left Chicago. With only two hours left on our jounry and it being 2:00 in the morning on Thursday, I, while trying to read the map and drive ran into something on the road.

We pulled over looked, but couldn't see any damage. Right up until I got off the toll road and realized that my power steering wasn't working and my battery light was out--We think something hit my power steering belt, snapped it and then it hit my serpentine belt and caused it to get off the cogs, thus causing the alternator to stop working. We took a hotel for night two and I waited for someone to die, because I was angry enough to shoot a whole freaking herd of buffalo. The next morning we woke up five minutes after we were supposed to check out of the hotel and quickly grabbed everything and ran. We managed to get the serpentine belt on and drive the remaning two hours, I without power steering. And went to work, we did two installs that night--returning home at 1:20 in the morning. From then until Sunday morning I don't remember much, just lots of driving, wire twisting and drilling.

I'm doing fair to decent at the learning curve and know more than quite a few of the other Tech's, just need to work on speed now.

Sunday we went to church and I met a guy who knew my Grandpa(my dad grew up here in Michigan) that's kinda weird. We then passed the rest of the day playing video games and strumming. Monday was a bore, we didn't get a job until about 8 o'clock--so I played a lot of some weird old RPG that J had lying around in his game case. And we went to the mall--which is pitifully small and disappointing--and my Boss hit on...somewhat less attractive non-members. And then the guy whose home I was in smoked constantly and HAD to sit there and watch and ask questions while I worked. Slow me down, give me a headache and be annoying!!!!

Anyway, life is good, I'm tired, and enjoying the money. I miss ya'll tons and wish I could just transport you here and we could party all day...but...*sighs* Oh well.

-Asmond

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Absense

Well, I know I have blogged for a bit. But I hope all is well in ya'lls lives. As some of you may or may not have heard. There are two BYU students that went Hiking down near Escalante last Wednesday, they were supposed to be back Friday Afternoon. By Satruday afternoon, one of the men's wife called search and rescue. Which has been looking for the past three days.

The one whose wife called search and rescue was married six months ago, The other, is my cousin. He is a 25 year old student here at the Y. Both served missions and were looking to graduate here in the near future. Both were experienced hikers, rock climbers and campers. They are thought to be somewhere near the neon canyon area. Probably doing what is called the Golden Cathedral as they both bought wet suits for the occassion.

7 other hikers were found today they all had suffered from the cold and several had frost bite. With the storm moving in temperatures will be dropping down even lower. They have narrowed the search down to a slot canyon about a mile and a half long. The bottom is about 300 feet below ground level. And can be as narrow as 13 inches in places.

John is the kind of kid that everyone wants to be around, you can hear and recquonize his laugh from across the crowded Terrace if you know what to listen for. He is an all around great guy, funny and just plain good. If you could please pray for him that he might stay warm, have the nourishmen that he needs and that above all he can be found soon. Please pray for the search and rescue crew as well as they will be going into very dangerous places searching for the two. Thanks, have a great night.

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Summer Plans

So, life has been hectic for a bit now...and I've finally decided what I'm going to do this summer. You see, I'm going to be in Michigan. Yup, Michigan. And, because of that move, I also got a cell phone. So, those are two great things that have happened to me in the last little bit. I didn't think I'd like having a cell phone, but now that I can text my good buddies at school. Life has gotten much more interesting. People can actually get ahold of me and people have actually tried. It's amazing!

So, I like my little black and gray box. It is comefortable. I like my new job. I like life as it is. Even if I have tons of homework and I need to turn in my two weeks notice and find an appartment for next year, I just bought a car. So that is another good thing. Oie, this is such a strange congolmoration of info. I don't really have a coherent thought right now, I'm mostly just trying to do everything so that I can actually survive. Life is rushing by far too quickly with too many decisions that require thought and not enough time to think about. But everything seems to be falling into place and feeling right. I guess I don't need to be in control, I just need to be moving. That reminds me of a quote a lady said in conference once and if I was lazy enough I'd find the reference but...she was talking about her pioneer ancestors and said she had a great something pa, who converted to the church with his wife and came from England to America. His wife and sons died on the plains. He stopped writing in his journal for a bit, and when he came back to it he said, "Still moving." I think that's about it.

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The Past Week

Well, it's been a bit! I'll just catch up on what has happened this past little bit: Nothing. And I blame it all on everyone else.

You see this all started on Tuesday. Cue dream sequence..............

*The screen grows all fuzzy and then fades back into focus on last Tuesday*

"Novel! I really want to go buy The Sims 2. And I'm tempted to skip the devotional and buy it!" "Go for it." "Uhm...you sure?" "Yes, buy it, buy it buy it!" "Will you come with me?" "Sure I'll hold your hand Asmond..." "Yay...here it is...I want it so bad...but I know it will ruin my life." "Don't worry about it, just buy it." "Okay...lets go meet Smurfs and J!" "Hey..." *talks to about five random people whom I knew from previous life spans before J shows up.* "J! Where is Smurfs?" "I dunno, he is twenty minutes late though..." "Hey, there is a girl from my Japanese Class, I could give her the stuff to turn it in and then I could go home and play the Sims...." "Do it Asmond!" "But I really kinda need to go to Japanese..." "ASMOND, GO PLAY THE SIMS!"

Okay, so that's how it's Novel and J's fault. It's Smurfs fault because he wasn't there to tell me not to purchase the game, and then he wasn't there to tell me I should go to my class. Let me think...who else can I blame... Oh, it's *insert name of friend from HS*'s fault, he is the one who let me play it the first time! Hum...It's Uffish's fault because she has red hair, and I can blame her for anything, she's the perfect red-head-ed-step-child.

You may, or may not have guessed that I've been playing a lot of Sims 2 lately. Soon I'm going to get a screen shot of my Sim: Asmond, and put it up on here for you all to see, he looks fairly close to me... But in all reality...I have actually gone out and done things lately. I went out both last night and the night before actually! I'm proud of myself. I even met Serendipity, and stole her lip gloss (okay...so I think she lost it in my car...but still!) And I did my, 'work' on Saturday, washed the car(stupid rain), prepared my lesson and actually did some homework. I'm proud of myself for all of those things.

Now, to take a test tomorrow and finish the two papers due next Thursday. Ahh, gotta love procrastination. But I think after this I only have one more big project and then finals! Woo! Life is good, my friends are cool...and I am happy.

Lessons to be learned from simming:

1. There are some actions that just shouldn't be available until you know someone really well.
2. You have to practice at something to become good at it.
3. If you don't do your homework you don't get as much money.
4. You have to make time for your friends otherwise you'll just end up doing what is nessessary and not having any fun.
5. Never eat food that has been left out for longer than about 10 days.
6. Girlfriends don't like it when you make out with other girls infront of them.
7. Aliens really are real. And they can get Men pregnant.
8. Telescopes give you logic, Piano's give you creativity, TV's give you fun, Food makes you happy and expresso makes you p**.
9. If you don't get sleep bad things start to happen.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed your little Sim lessons in life, till next time...enjoy!

- Asmond

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Priorities

Well, as I was finishing my last post I thought about this, but decided it was a little too serious for that one so...here goes the second post of tonight, aren't ya'll lucky?

Well, I've been thinking about priorities a bit lately. And I've been thinking about what should be, what I say is, and what actualy are, my priorities.

You know, the "right" answers? Church (and by implication, God), School, Family, money for food and shelter, honest work...Well, those are my priorities...to a point. But I think as I examine my life there are things that I also count personally as important. My friends (and by extension their blogs), reading good literature, and expanding my mind in other ways. But where on the priority list do all of these things fit, what is the balance that I'm trying to make here?

At this point I need to add in two more priorities, although not ones that I am proud of, Internet chatting, and console gaming. Not bad in and of themselves, but sometimes they take precedence over much more important things.

So, how do you make the decision to choose, I mean if it were presented to you as: "You can either choose God, or your book." I doubt many people would choose the book...but, what happens is much more subtle. I can read my book now and the scriptures later, I can talk to _____ now and do homework later, I can play FFX now and prepare my lesson later... etc. They don't seem like they are big things, just procrastinating a little bit. But eventually I've managed to fill my life up with so many 'good' things that I don't have enough room for the 'best' things.

So that requires that I start cutting things out. Well...what goes? Obviously it's not religion, school or family. I simply cannot morally do that. But books, games, IM, these are all things that I find entertaining, the joy of the moment if you will. I know I can't give up all of them just yet, I would go crazy without some form of stress releif. But what do you give up? And how much? I don't really expect anyone to answer those...which is why the blog is called Rhetorical questions, but hopefully putting this down on paper will assist me in setting first things first.

Something that just came to mind: My second mission president in his first real zone conference put up a slide show, with a quote from a bumper sticker, "The main thing, is to make the main thing, the main thing." I kinda liked it. And it fits well here, life for most members of the church isn't a struggle between murder and celestial marriage, but rather between terrestial and celestial laws. And the goal in life is to start picking the celestial stuff.

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Red Dots?

Well, Shoebox of Lies and Wiggle came and visited me today. I live kinda far away from most of the gang down in Provo, so I have to tell them directions. They can usually get most of the way here....but they always seem to have trouble with the last stretch. You see, the last bit of instruction is, "Turn at the red dot." Or, "Turn at the first red dot." Well, they keep complianing that there is more than one red dot. Well, I decided to call them on it tonight.

First to explain they came and said: "We only made one wrong turn this time, we turned at the red dot...you see the problem is we got to the first and could see another and we didn't think it was that close...so we drove on to the next one."

So, we drove out and looked for red dots, results: About six streets up there are two red dots on a telephone pole. Another six blocks up there is a yellow dot. They decided to turn around. And in unison they said, "Oh, it was on the way back that we saw so many red dots!" So, we counted the ones on the way back...none, except the one they were supposed to turn at, and one that didn't have a turn. So, after dicussing this I decided that A: they thought the red dots were actually car tail-lights.

Ahh, good times. I'm really glad they came by though, I miss talking to them...On other related news, Serendipity is coming into town for all of those who didn't know that already. She's a cool girl, I've been talking to her a bit online. And I had a really good session of church, the temple was awesome Saturday. I'm so glad I get to do that, It really does make the week go by so much better and is something I look forward to every Saturday. A girl in one of my classes came in this Saturday, a girl that I've been wanting to ask out for awhile now. I think I will.

Okay, random thought patterns done and gone now...life is good, I am happy and school is slowing down.

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Depression

Well, as many of you know, and as some of you have guessed. I have been diagnosed with Clinical depression. I take 200 mg of Welbutrin SR every morning, all because of that fact. For the longest time I refused to take medication, I had gone on it once in High School, and it just...didn't fly very well. So I had a bad taste in my mouth, not to mention the fact that I dislike drugs in general and have taken only a few dozen pain relievers in my life. Anyway, I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

I have learned how to handle it. I couldn't do it alone, and I have various other things that I deal with, but more or less, I have managed to put it behind me. It is a war that is always raging in the background, a whirlpool sitting there waiting for me to sail a little too close...enough with the similies you get the picture. The reason I'm writing this is because I'm sick of people with depression who act like it is some dibilitating disease. Is it hard? Yes. Can it feel like too much sometimes? Most definatly. But the fact of the matter is, the Lord provides ways of getting out. I look back on my life and see the times when I've been most depressed and it has always been those times in my life when I haven't been following the gospel.

I am absolutley convinced that if you are striving your best to live the gospel...then the depression will never get the best of you. Sometimes that means throwing your pride aside and dumping on someone, or taking a pill. But the Lord provides. Is it still hard? OF COURSE. This life wasn't made to be a walk in the park. It's always going to be difficult, it's difficult for the people without depression.

Okay, I've ranted and raved and probably offended a few people, and I appologize, I realize that the things contained in this post may not seem like they apply to your situation. They may not, I may have taken my own thoughts and turned out something so bunk it's not even funny. So, what am I trying to say here...we have all been given trials in life, one of mine just so happens to be depression. But we are all given problems, the Lord provides ways out of those holes, whatever they may be. I don't pretend to know all of the answers...but I do know that they cannot be found on our own. Whatever the trial, through God's assistance we may grow...sure we'll have some scars for a bit, but in the end...it's scars that make us truely beautiful.

I hope anyone reading this will gain some hope out of it, and not the anger it started with. This life is too short to live without hope, and that is what trials suck from us, the hope for a better world. "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen."

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Five Things minus One

Well, now that my crazy hectic week is over, and I've managed to take a little time for myself to recoup. I figured I'd send a post out into the cosmos, so for that perrty little red-head that I promised to post and to all the other people who have been bugging me about not writing lately...here goes.

First off I'd like to talk about my friend. This is my best friend, the kid that I would do anything for. We were friends in Jr. High and just got better as we entered into High School and life in general. We've always been there for each other to make sure the other one isn't screwing up too much. Well, He was supposed to be getting married this weekend. He isn't, and indeed he isn't even together with the girl anymore. All that happened since Valentines Day. Why am I talking about this? Anyway, I'm excited that he isn't getting married so we can still play but I'm still really sad that he has to go through the heartbreak. I wish I could help him more.

Well part of that is that this past weekend was supposed to be his Bachelor party, well, the wedding was already called but we decided to have the party anyway. It was a few nights up at his Cabin in the Uintahs. And for the first time in my life I got to ride a snow mobile. HOLY SHASTA! That is soooo fun. To go flying over a a perfectly white ground at 70 miles an hour... Yeah, that was fun.

There is also the dating problems. I have this insanely bad habit of liking a girl for about four days. And then...nothing. I don't understand this, is it because I don't see them and lose interest because the interest was based solely on looks or is it just that I don't know the girls very well and when I do get to know them I don't like them anymore. Anyway really quite frustrating I just want to skip this whole finding part and go straight to the married part. At least then I knew she likes me.

Well, I already talked about my homework and how increadibly much I had this past week...Most of that was my own fault for procrastinating though, so I can't complain. And I'm getting really tired, I only got about two hours of sleep last night...so I'm going to go to bed now. I hope everyone is having a blast of a day. Seeya laters.

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Musings on Desire

Today was a wonderfully non-productive day. I woke up, and played some video games, something I've not done in a long, long time, which is strange 'cause I used to play them all the time... But now I have a new addiction, chatting. It's really quite disgusting how much time I wasted chatting today. I started talking to A., who is a coworker of mine, at 2 and didn't stop until about 11 o'clock, when A.'s shift ended. In the middle of that I talked to a few other people, and I did do a little bit of work on the paper I've been trying to work on forever.

It seems as though I've been having some very strange conversations as of late. Particularly with A. I suppose that's to be expected in a 9 hour conversation. One of the things we talked about was individual self worth. A. Is one of the most spectacular people I've ever met. Werf is attractive to the opposite gender, very bright, funny, etc. All around one of the coolest personages that I know. But Werf has a huge problem with self-esteem. When asked if Werf, okay, I'm getting sick of saying werf, When I asked her if she liked herself she said no. I asked her why and the response was, "Because I can always do better."

Now, I'm a fairly bright chap, but I've never truly had any challenges that I consider difficult. Sure there is the depression, but the meds have done wonders for that and it hardly affects me anymore. However, I daresay that if given a huge trial to overcome I would simply turn and walk the other direction. I'm one that will usually take the path of least resistance. Sad, but true. I often wonder what I could be if I were to apply myself as much as A. Does to my school work, my employment, my friendships, anything. I feel very decadent. This of course may only be compounded by the fact that I accomplished absolutely nothing that I had set out to do today. I really need to start writing lists for myself again. I was so much more effective when I did that.

I wonder if it is possible to overcome laziness. You look in the scriptures and you see all of these examples of people who worked so hard for everything that they accomplished. You see those examples in real life as well. What makes these people tick? How do I acquire that...drive for the upper echelon of humanity? My favorite movies all involve people who have that drive, Gattaca, Rudy, October Sky. These are all movies where the main character has to overcome something...beyond themselves. Why? Why am I drawn to that type of person? How do you become that type of person? I know it's not going to be an overnight thing, and I suppose it all starts with a few steps here and a few steps there, but taking those steps seem soo hard and they don't appear to get any better in the future. It's strange, I'm a Red personality type, but I'm so lazy, I've never seen that as one of the characteristics of a Red. I was once asked: "If you could ask Jesus Christ one thing, what would it be?" My answer was, without even thinking, "How do you become someone with desire?" I feel like a child, whose attention span is only long enough to the acquiring of what is in sight, and once out of sight, it leaves me.

How I envy the desire of Alma, the stability of Nephi, the courage of Captain Moroni. It's strange, how easy it is to talk about things here, I just pretend no one can read this, as I expose all of my flaws and leave myself open for attack. The strange thing is...that I don't care.

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True Honesty

You know, as I've been thinking about this and what it means to me, I've wondered about a lot of things. Why do I write these? Is it because I want someone to see it and think, "WOW!" Or is it because I want to sort out my thoughts? Well, as I'm in a habit of trying to keep myself honest by revealing the truth to all who seek... I've decided to make this more of a personal mind exploration forum. So sit back and enjoy the ride. Welcome to my thoughts.

These past few days I've been wondering a lot about the meaning of life and why I do the things I do. Today I was talking to H and I made an offhand comment about only drunks appreciating cricket. She asked if I was drunk often. I said no, and she made a comment that it seemed out of character for me to do such a thing. Well, it got me thinking, what is my character? What is the me that people see? That on top of the pondering why I do things has got me doing some heavy thinking. I'm going to try and say why I do things...and then I'll ponder what other people see me as.

Why do I do things? Why do I go to church? Go to school? Date? Talk to people? Read books, write papers, hang out with friends, watch movies, listen to music? As for church, I think I have to, sadly, admit that I do it because it's partly habit. But mostly I go because I like how I feel when I'm there, I enjoy the friendshiping, I enjoy the friendly faces, I enjoy who I am, and I enjoy the spirit that is in me. I know I should be going to church because I love it...because I love the Lord, etc. But love is a hard thing for me to grasp. I don't understand it at all. Another reason for Valentines day to be an interesting holiday for me. I don't understand what it is that makes a group of people sacrifice so much for someone else.

I feel a little caloused, but I don't think I love anyone. Including myself. I try to love, I try to do the things that people that care would do. I have gotten fairly good at it...but deep down I know it's all just a fraud. I'm really not this good person that everyone thinks I am, I'm really not that smart, I'm really not that sanctimonious. I'm just trying to be the best I can. I suppose you could say that I'm trying to walk where Jesus walked, except I don't think about him nearly as much as I should. Or really need to in order to make that claim.

I do not think the same claim could be made of me as was made of one of my favorite men to have graced this earth, Neal A. Maxwell. He always lived tryed to be a disciple of The Christ. To walk as he walked, but he was much better at it than I am. But I am trying.

That leads into the next subject, what do other people see me as? I'm not sure, I know what I see myself as....and I have a hard time imagining someone who could see me as anything other than mediocre. What image do I present the world? Is that image the me I really am? Or am I the one I think I am? Are they just pretensions towards doing what a Christan should do, or are they the real desires of my heart made manifest? How do you do it? How does everyone else manage to get along fairly well, but I can't hardly tie my shoes without falling on my face?

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Singles Awareness Day

I hate singles awareness day.

Everything about it just irks the heck out of me.

Why? Why does this stupid holiday have to exist? I mean, really, why do people need an excuse to parade their dating status to all the world? Does it really matter? I mean, just freaking call it Valentines Day. All that runs through everyone's mind when you say, "Singles Awareness Day" is: "Oh gosh, yet ANOTHER person who is bitter over the fact that they are so inept at courting the opposite sex that you are trying to bring down everyone else that has managed to win the battle of ages and acquire a date for the infamous 14th of Febuary."

I mean, really it's just a clarion call of carelessly concealed envy. You are so entraped in your own bitterness that you fail to realize that it doesn't really matter. So why try to make everyone else depressed/guilty because of your own failings?

So, that is why I hate Singles Awareness Day.

And yes, I am single, so just call it Valentines Day and, "Glory in the success of [your] brethern."

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Contrast

Alright, well I've been thinking about this for a bit now and finally decided to give it a whirl. So here go the concepts: behind contrast, bait and hooks, the grenade hopper, and group-play.

As we all know contrast means: To set in opposition in order to show or emphasize differences. We are going to talk about contrast as it applies to dating and group dynamics.

Grenade hoppers are those individuals who jump on grenades in fox holes, saving the lives of all the rest.

Bait and hooks are instruments used in fishing to allow you to...well catch fish.

Disclaimer: Okay, this is generally used by girls more than it is used by guys and the ideas contained here-in are only still in proto development. Also, while it is a common occurrence, it is not always the case, and should only be taken as a general rule.

Let me tell a story. One day some buds and I were driving down the road just cruzing and enjoying each other's company. Well, we pull up to a stop sign and look over, sure enough there's a car full of girls that are doing exactly the same thing we are. We drag a few lights and then pull off into a gas station together to grab some slushies.

Well, somehow we manage to arrange to meet at a different location to watch a movie, as we climb back into our cars...we realize it. In a desperate attempt to survive the night I shout, "Not it!" To which is followed, four other "not it's" but one was just too late, and we all laugh and punch his arm. He has become tonight's lucky grenade hopper.

We proceed to the location and after the first five to ten minutes we've managed to select tonight's target and move in for the kill, each of us have been jockeying for the attention of Veronica. Chris the grenade hopper has moved in for his kill on Jessica. And the rest have managed to accept defeat over Veronica and have moved on to less attractive pastures. We'll say for sake of argument that I acquired Veronica. The night progresses a few date switches occur but nothing major, Veronica is still mine and Chris and Jessica are still together.

Why? What is it about the group that causes the need for a grenade hopper? Well, groups of girls are organized in such a way as to require the hopper. You see, each group of girls consists of three archetypes. The first, the highest, the best is the bait and hook. She is the girl that baits the group of guys, and then hooks them and brings the rest of the girls the catch. Now, why you might ask does the bait and hook hang out with lesser girls? Simple, contrast. Contrast is the girl that is vastly lower than the bait and hook; she is there to make the rest of the girls look better. The rest of the girls? They are the average (mean) members of the group.

What does everyone get out of this? The B&H gets her choice of the guys, the contrast gets a guy of higher quality than she could acquire on her own and the means get something in the middle. Why does this work? Because girls work in Compare/Contrast.

Men, on the other hand, use what is called group-play. Each member of the group is roughly equal (aside from the Alpha, but he usually isn't quite the discrepancy that the B&H is.) and they play off of each other to make the rest look good, cracking jokes, telling stories about the time they did ____ together. Basically we're there to sell the rest of the guys to the girls. It works great for everyone involved. Men will usually trade off being the grenade hopper so that no one gets the contrast too often.

Now you may say, "Well that isn't fair to the contrast!" But I say no, she's picked her spot, the ugly friend. If she wanted to she could hang out with girls of her own, or lesser "value," and become the mean, or even the B&H. The means could do the same, and the B&H could always move up and be the mean or even the contrast. But they've chosen there place in the group and they play it faithfully.

Now, to make me not sound incredibly shallow. Note that the B&H and the contrast are both switchable positions. In fact, the bait and the hook can be two different people, one to catch the eye and the other to bring it home with her personality. And contrast can only go surface deep, and be an awesome girl on the interior where the Bait may become contrast in mental categories. Either way, I've found that this system strangely seems to hold in place. Questions? Comments? Rude Remarks? Good, I can always use help refining my ideas.

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