Musings on Desire

Today was a wonderfully non-productive day. I woke up, and played some video games, something I've not done in a long, long time, which is strange 'cause I used to play them all the time... But now I have a new addiction, chatting. It's really quite disgusting how much time I wasted chatting today. I started talking to A., who is a coworker of mine, at 2 and didn't stop until about 11 o'clock, when A.'s shift ended. In the middle of that I talked to a few other people, and I did do a little bit of work on the paper I've been trying to work on forever.

It seems as though I've been having some very strange conversations as of late. Particularly with A. I suppose that's to be expected in a 9 hour conversation. One of the things we talked about was individual self worth. A. Is one of the most spectacular people I've ever met. Werf is attractive to the opposite gender, very bright, funny, etc. All around one of the coolest personages that I know. But Werf has a huge problem with self-esteem. When asked if Werf, okay, I'm getting sick of saying werf, When I asked her if she liked herself she said no. I asked her why and the response was, "Because I can always do better."

Now, I'm a fairly bright chap, but I've never truly had any challenges that I consider difficult. Sure there is the depression, but the meds have done wonders for that and it hardly affects me anymore. However, I daresay that if given a huge trial to overcome I would simply turn and walk the other direction. I'm one that will usually take the path of least resistance. Sad, but true. I often wonder what I could be if I were to apply myself as much as A. Does to my school work, my employment, my friendships, anything. I feel very decadent. This of course may only be compounded by the fact that I accomplished absolutely nothing that I had set out to do today. I really need to start writing lists for myself again. I was so much more effective when I did that.

I wonder if it is possible to overcome laziness. You look in the scriptures and you see all of these examples of people who worked so hard for everything that they accomplished. You see those examples in real life as well. What makes these people tick? How do I acquire that...drive for the upper echelon of humanity? My favorite movies all involve people who have that drive, Gattaca, Rudy, October Sky. These are all movies where the main character has to overcome something...beyond themselves. Why? Why am I drawn to that type of person? How do you become that type of person? I know it's not going to be an overnight thing, and I suppose it all starts with a few steps here and a few steps there, but taking those steps seem soo hard and they don't appear to get any better in the future. It's strange, I'm a Red personality type, but I'm so lazy, I've never seen that as one of the characteristics of a Red. I was once asked: "If you could ask Jesus Christ one thing, what would it be?" My answer was, without even thinking, "How do you become someone with desire?" I feel like a child, whose attention span is only long enough to the acquiring of what is in sight, and once out of sight, it leaves me.

How I envy the desire of Alma, the stability of Nephi, the courage of Captain Moroni. It's strange, how easy it is to talk about things here, I just pretend no one can read this, as I expose all of my flaws and leave myself open for attack. The strange thing is...that I don't care.