True Honesty

You know, as I've been thinking about this and what it means to me, I've wondered about a lot of things. Why do I write these? Is it because I want someone to see it and think, "WOW!" Or is it because I want to sort out my thoughts? Well, as I'm in a habit of trying to keep myself honest by revealing the truth to all who seek... I've decided to make this more of a personal mind exploration forum. So sit back and enjoy the ride. Welcome to my thoughts.

These past few days I've been wondering a lot about the meaning of life and why I do the things I do. Today I was talking to H and I made an offhand comment about only drunks appreciating cricket. She asked if I was drunk often. I said no, and she made a comment that it seemed out of character for me to do such a thing. Well, it got me thinking, what is my character? What is the me that people see? That on top of the pondering why I do things has got me doing some heavy thinking. I'm going to try and say why I do things...and then I'll ponder what other people see me as.

Why do I do things? Why do I go to church? Go to school? Date? Talk to people? Read books, write papers, hang out with friends, watch movies, listen to music? As for church, I think I have to, sadly, admit that I do it because it's partly habit. But mostly I go because I like how I feel when I'm there, I enjoy the friendshiping, I enjoy the friendly faces, I enjoy who I am, and I enjoy the spirit that is in me. I know I should be going to church because I love it...because I love the Lord, etc. But love is a hard thing for me to grasp. I don't understand it at all. Another reason for Valentines day to be an interesting holiday for me. I don't understand what it is that makes a group of people sacrifice so much for someone else.

I feel a little caloused, but I don't think I love anyone. Including myself. I try to love, I try to do the things that people that care would do. I have gotten fairly good at it...but deep down I know it's all just a fraud. I'm really not this good person that everyone thinks I am, I'm really not that smart, I'm really not that sanctimonious. I'm just trying to be the best I can. I suppose you could say that I'm trying to walk where Jesus walked, except I don't think about him nearly as much as I should. Or really need to in order to make that claim.

I do not think the same claim could be made of me as was made of one of my favorite men to have graced this earth, Neal A. Maxwell. He always lived tryed to be a disciple of The Christ. To walk as he walked, but he was much better at it than I am. But I am trying.

That leads into the next subject, what do other people see me as? I'm not sure, I know what I see myself as....and I have a hard time imagining someone who could see me as anything other than mediocre. What image do I present the world? Is that image the me I really am? Or am I the one I think I am? Are they just pretensions towards doing what a Christan should do, or are they the real desires of my heart made manifest? How do you do it? How does everyone else manage to get along fairly well, but I can't hardly tie my shoes without falling on my face?