Reflections on Love

It's been an acculmilation of events that have led me to this post. I'm not sure what order they are in, and so this is mostly just going to be me rambling for a bit as I explore my thoughts--I pray your forgiveness.

I just finished watching Phantom of the Opera. Yes, I watched it late at night with two men in an appartment hundreds upon hundreds of miles away from any girl that I wanted to watch it with--okay so I just had a great talk with my roomie, and we talked about a lot of stuff.

A poem that I want to write:

Take this heart and open up the tide.
It's building up--it's just too high.
Kiss the ground, watch the wake
surf the edge where flaws become real
Rise aboe tghe petty chatter,
take the part you're offered and fly
Above the clouds, above the sky,
Eat your fill, the'res more to come
The heart bound up in broken tongue
turn, turn, turn away from darkness
light, darkest night and lightest life
Wrap the world inside your fingers
Clutch on tight, forget the tears
Spinning idly for a few more years.
Take my broken heart and go
Take it wherever, just let it be with you.
This struggle, who are you?
The one who will take me as I am
Are you man or beast, flame or glory?
Are you the girl of my dreams?
Are you my Lord and Master?
Where does my loyalty lie?
Take my broken heart and go.
I don't know where I don't know how
just take my broken heart and go.


Haven't proof read that or anything, just random thoughts that came out as I typed. Anyway, I keep wondering how to open up. I find it very easy to talk about myself--but I don't open myself up. I find that I begin to give someone a narrative about who I am instead of opening my heart and letting them see for themselves. Often I paint a darker hue or highlight only the gilded edges. How does one allow someone to come in and see the room for what it is? The gilded edges which display strength with percision, the dark corners where flaws hide, the worn furniture of habit and the golden treasure of dreams?

What is the secret that will unlock the gate and finally let someone else into my heart? Will that person be my wife? My God? Where are my priorities? How do you let someone see you for who you are when you have no idea who you are? I was listening to a Christan Rock channel on the radio for a bit today, and a song I heard comes to mind: All the gold, and treasure of the world, could never fill the emptyness of my soul. obviously the answer I've been taught all my life is God, but can I ever love someone I cannot see? I'm just a confused little kid still, wondering where to go from here and how to find a decent map so that I won't have to worry about how to get there.

I hope this makes sense. Life doesn't make much most of the time I've decided. I wonder why God made it soo darn hard, I guess if you want to make something strong you don't give it little itty bitty challenges. or no challenges at all. But sometimes I wonder if he isn't giving me a little bit more than I can handle. God Bless you all, and thanks for reading my exagerated thought pattern put to paper, I hope you learned something form it, I know I did.