Radiation

Hold your hands as close together as you can without actually touching.

Keep them there for a few seconds, at least ten. Now, slowly move them apart and back together again.
"
As you do this you SHOULD feel a 'pulling' sensation in your hands, particularly as you increase the distance between the palms. This is a magnetic field that your body creates, in close proximity to your hands, and the very sensitive neurons contained inside, you begin to feel these pulses.

It is a force, invisible to the person yet as inescapable in it's influence as gravity, or heat. The important information here is that the body generates this invisible force. What if it could generate more? What if it did so on a regular basis?

"Let your light so shine before men, that they might see your good works and glorify your father which is in heaven."

On that same token, visible light is only a small range of the electromagnetic spectrum.



The other aspects of that spectrum, are the waves that heat your food in a microwave, the radar we rely on in modern transportation, weather systems, radios, television, x-rays and in the creation of the Hulk.

What would happen if we were emitting a force, like any of those listed above from our bodies that allow us receive inspiration from God, and allow our prayers to reach heaven. Just as we can under special circumstances 'see' or feel the electric energies our bodies create, sometimes we can 'see' or feel these other energies.

You feel it in peoples lives, how they live affects these energies that they emit and others, who are trained or receptive to these energies can feel them. You've had those moments when walking into a room and you can feel the tension, the grief or the joy. These energies that we emit constantly affect those around us for good or for ill. Our personal radiation is a representation of our influences on the people around us. They are subtle, they are mostly intangible, but how often do we hear stories of people who are monumentally affected by small and simple things?

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Letter: 1-25

Last week as I was leaving a game night from my friend's house I walked out the door and looked up, a three point deer was probably 20 feet away from me just... walking down the sidewalk like it was made for him. It was one of those quiet moments when life just seems to slow down and everything comes down to the here and now. It was amazing and I followed it down the sidewalk for about half a block before it got spooked by a car and ran away.

The rest of the week was filled with homework, I had a bunch of labs that were due during the middle of the week, one in particular that got real close to the deadline, worked on it all Monday and some of Tuesday (it was due Thursday) and couldn't get some of the bugs worked out, so I was approaching what everyone had said was the hardest part of the lab on Thursday afternoon, I had about 3 hours before work and was actually planning on skipping some of that if need be. But lo and behold! I got in there and everything just... worked it was great. I managed to get rid of the last few pesky bugs and programing the I/O aspect of the lab in about an hour and a half. Thus leaving me with an unprecedented hour of free time which I used to explore the Talmage, it's under renovation in the basement so several of the doors to 'service' areas were opened and I got to explore down there in the furnace room and stuff. It was a lot of fun.

On Friday I did more homework and work, at work I'm mostly on a project for in development working on getting a Standard Development Kit(sdk) for blackboard integrated into our current course content creation systems. Basically... just me fighting against blackboard propitiatory requirements. It's awesome fun.

But that evening I went to a play called "Rabbit Hole" which was really interesting. It is about a couple that loses their son to an accident (dog chases squirrel into street, son chases dog into street, car swerves to avoid dog, hits boy) and how they deal with the grief of it all.

It made me so very grateful for the gospel, and the ability to have families sealed together. Yes, I suppose there is still a grieving process but if you have faith in the gospel you don't have to feel like they have been stripped away from you, or anything. You get that assurance that everything is in God's hands and we just simply have to let him take the burdens we carry from us and all will be well.

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Letter: Service and God's Love

Today I was asked to traverse the distance from work to Sandy, and then back again.

It was something I jumped at, because I don't often have work to do at work, so it's nice to have a two hour chunk of time that is given meaning. While on the way there...

I saw some of the coolest houses in one of the coolest neighborhoods that I've ever been to. It was neat to see all the very unique houses they were all newly built but still had a lot of the pre-existing life around them. So these nice ancient trees and stuff. I loved it. Also, I managed to see a motorcycle with two rear wheels. A trike if you will. It was cool.

Life has been rather hectic lately... I'm know I haven't told you this directly, but I'm not a very good student. So I've been trying to arrange a lot of things with the school and make sure doing all that planning stuff. It's taken a lot out of me and I don't really want to disclose the details but know that all is finally right in the world. That's the reason I haven't had any really interesting stories to tell you. The whole school thing has been chomping away at me and it takes a toll on my facilities.

Thank you for helping me get my feet on the path again, it's the hardest when you don't even realize you were off.

I hope you are enjoying your time in Spain. I'm sure it must be beautiful, but then there is a beauty in life everywhere you look, so long as you are actually looking. Today I was reading my teachings of the living prophets pamphlets and I came across a quote by Joseph Smith that I absolutely loved, it reads: "Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof until long after the events transpire." I was pondering this as I walked home from school and when I got home there was a friend of mine who made known to me that she was having a difficult time so I quoted the text to her. As we talked she stated the things that I needed to hear, the things that God wanted me to hear. In return I was able to give her the words of comfort she was craving at that time. I love how the Lord allows us to help others and in doing so gives us so much in return.

I am so very grateful for the Spirit, for living prophets, I don't know what I would do without them. Every time I wander the Lord sends his angels to bring me back. How comforting the knowledge that the Saviour loves me and is mindful of me every moment. It gives me the strength to carry on, it gives me the hope to endure and the peace to do it well.

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Svithing Early

While I was waiting in line for some counselor or other this week (first week of school will do that to you), I came across an article in the Ensign about sharing the gospel over the internet. I know that not many people read this blog and most of those that do are already members of the church, but on the off chance that someone randomly google searches this site... I figured I feel responsible to share this.

My name is ______ _____, I am a 25 year old member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints(LDS). I served a mission for said church in Fort Worth, Texas and the surrounding environs--which is to say that I spent just under two years trying to be an instrument in the hands of The Almighty to help his children discover the path back to his presence and the eternal joy that is his gift to those who do.

I have not always been active, or even a believer in the church and doctrines contained in it. I was converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ as restored through Joseph Smith when I was about 16. I was raised LDS and served in the church as a Deacons and a Teachers Quorum president prior to going inactive. I knew the doctrine of the church, although I had never really read the scriptures or prayed about it. The two years I spent away from the gospel were some of the darkest years of my past.

I spiraled down into a place where life had lost colors, existence was a dull gray that lingered from waking to sleeping. I tried to escape from it however I could, literature and video games became my only real friends--for they saved me from the bleakness of my everyday life. Eventually, they weren't enough and I began to consider suicide as the only visible light at the end of the tunnel.

It was at this dark time, during a newspaper class that one of my teachers asked how I was doing and was concerned enough about my response that she alerted my parents. Who took me to a counselor. I can't say the counselor helped much, but the realization that there were people who cared about me resonated through my body and gave me the strength to keep moving. It wasn't easy, it didn't come all at once, I was put on prosac and slowly the colors of life came back into focus.

Still, it wasn't enough. I was relying upon the medication and it had a leveling effect which allowed me to escape the dark pit but prevented me from feeling the joy I saw in those around me. During this time I had developed friendships with two important individuals. Jay (whom I have mentioned in this blog) and a gent by the name of Jeremy.

Jeremy and I would associate, irregularly--but often enough--and for the first time in my life I saw what a family that lived the gospel together was like. Jeremy invited me to his Family Home Evenings and I believe that my bitter heart began to be softened to the spirit by this gentle exposure. Jay and Jeremy together decided they wanted to go to EFY (Especially for Youth. Which is a program the LDS church puts on every year as a means of helping the youth of today deal with the problems and concerns they deal with.) and not wanting to be left alone for a week, I asked my Mother if she would sign me up. I'm certain she felt this to be the answer to her prayers.

While at EFY I again and again felt the Spirit of the Lord come upon me. It worked within me until I desired to change, and I did. Again, it was not easy, I fought every day with the habits that I myself had built up to prevent me from feeling pain or joy, but eventually with His help I was able to walk outside of those barriers and return once more to living. My senior year of High School was filled with many faith building moments. Moments that led me to desire to serve a mission and further change my life.

I battled depression every step of the way, fighting against the urge to give up and surrender. I wake up every morning and continue that struggle. My problems have not diminished one iota, but my capacity to deal with them has improved over the past 9 years. Yes, I still make mistakes, this isn't a fight that I think I shall ever win in mortality. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe in God, and I believe in repentance. I know that I am able to change and I am changing. Joy isn't as hard to find these days, despite the mounting trials of adulthood, dating, money and education.

I have found peace in this life, and that peace gives me hope and that hope which comes from faith has made an anchor for my soul. I am convinced that without the ressurected Lord and his restored gospel through the Prophet Joesph Smith, I would not have had these past nine years. I would not have the joy of your company and many of the experiences in life that I relish with great satisfaction. I know God lives and loves me, and I hope you too may find his peace.

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Letters

The previous post and probably the next four months worth are and probably will be written as letters to a friend of mine. Things will be edited out. Hope you can make sense of them.

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Vents? VENTS? VENTS!?!?!?

So, I came home from Florida and enjoyed a weekend of doing little or nothing, before I was forced into the school life once again. Monday started out innocently enough... class and then home in the driven snow. During this time I came to think that perhaps my tennis shoes were defective, as my feet were much cooler than they were supposed to be, still I didn't think too much about it.

Until that evening. When I had to excavate my car. Before Florida I went to my friend's cabin... and then to the airport. All in all my car hadn't been driven in 3 weeks. Three weeks of snow. This is when I discovered why my feet were cold. Apparently my tennis shoes, in an effort to make allow the feet to breath, have vents in the top. The vents are covered in a thin mesh, snow gets through thin mesh, wet socks are not fun. I went bowling with my ward, met a good friend I hadn't seen in several years while I was waiting for everything to start up. Wagered with the twins that they couldn't beat my score, they now owe me dinner. Well... one of them does, the problem is I'm not exactly sure which. O.o

Thank you for giving me back an appreciate for snow, It's been coming down pretty hard lately, straight since Saturday evening really. I have a winter wonderland to play in, and it is fabulous. Another interesting story... today while I was cooking dinner I started to sing, "I will survive," my room-mate Justin started to whistle along with me. Austin started dancing. Chad started snapping his fingers, and the new guy (whose name I cannot for the life of me remember) started pounding the floor. It felt like a musical all of us just started in on the song and carried it through the entire length. It was amazing.

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Christmas Break Thus Far

Well, life hasn't been milk and honey, but it's been pretty dang good. Eve and I are progressing as well as could be expected with her leaving the country and me being mostly crazy. School is over and I've just now returned from a place where shorts were far more comfortable than pants and am not looking forward to the reverse that Winter in Utah is bound to give me.

I read several amazing books for the first time: From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankwiler, Holes, The Christmas Box, Matilda, The Little Prince, and am currently in the middle of the Watership Down and Little Women, as well as a Wheel of Time book.

I've been Scuba Diving, Sailing, Jet Skiing, Snow Mobiling, Sledding, Beech sleeping, Snorkling and Flying. Pictures will follow.

A happy new year to you and a merry Christmas past to you.

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Eden

I'm at my best friend's cabin. I can't recall if I've talked about the cabin on here before or not... but it's pretty dang amazing. I'm one of the only people here who doesn't really care a whit for football, but they are currently watching the BYU game. Seems like they are enjoying themselves, so I can't really complain.

I had an opportunity this afternoon to sit and wait at the gate while a car was coming up so that I could let them in and then shuttle their belongings and them up past the point where cars cannot go and snowmobiles are the only means of transportation. As I sat there for... oh, it probably ended up being somewhere near 45 minutes I had an opportunity to think about a lot of things. Particularly the beauty of the world around me. As I thought about that, and the fact that I am not likely to see Eve again for quite some time.

I know I haven't talked about Eve... she's a girl who I have been on many dates with recently. She is leaving for Spain at the end of the month and is at home until then. Hopefully I'll be able to visit her sometime during the break but if not... I miss her a lot.

She's one of the most stellar people I have ever met, gorgeous, intelligent and funny. I spent most of the past three weeks in her company and she is the point of the post prior to this one. The thing that makes me like Eve the most is that she makes me want to be a better person. It's hard to imagine why she seems to like me back but it amazes me every time she looks at me and smiles or reaches across to touch me.

This isn't going to be about Eve, but her presence in my head helps to make this place a paradise, an Eden for which I am thankful to God.

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Controlling

Repeat to myself:

I have no right to be jealous.
I have no right to be angry.
I have no right to be hurt.
She did nothing wrong.

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Seeing Pain

So, when I look at people I can see their pains. I've gotten pretty good at identifying the sources of these pains, and can usually tell you the things a person struggles with. Some people are better at hiding it than others, but for the most part, I have a large degree of empathy.

For this reason, in High School, I decided to stop feeling. As a teenager I was confused by my own emotions, let alone everyone around me. It wasn't a very happy experience. So I stopped feeling.

As I have gotten older, I've tried very hard to feel again, as I do so, I discover that I can feel other people's pain again. But there is a catch, for those girls whom I like, it doesn't work. I cannot use this gift for my own personal gain, I can only use it for others. This is particularly annoying when I like a girl and she seems to like me... but there is a 'concern' as we used to call it in the mission field. Also, it makes it very difficult for me to hate people, that is really annoying, because how can you hate someone when you can see how much pain they are in?

Sorry, venting. I told the girl I like, that I like her (my exact words were, "emotionally attached") and she said, "I kinda already knew that." What the heck does that mean? I'm so used to just understanding that this is driving me crazy, I can't for the life of me understand what's going on in her head. Help me please.

-C.A.

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The quiet of the night

I love the quiet of the night, the moments when no other soul stirs the wind of the house. It speaks a quiet peace to the soul, like heavy winds off the ocean. The ones that have twirled past a thousand empty dunes of rising sea and foam. In these quiet whispering moments when all the world around you is asleep and dreaming, that's when the world comes alive. Every scent, every sound takes on a mystic quality. It's these quiet moments when we turn inwards and allow the dreamscape of our souls to reflect on the mundane appliances of every day living.

I am blessed beyond measure, I cannot imagine what twist of fate has given me such fortune. For I am rich beyond measure, I have the love of friends to support me through moments of bitter dark and the hands of loved ones to share the lilting harmonies of elated bliss.

This season I am grateful for so many things. The scent of shampoo, the trilling bird song, the cascades of light upon the firmament, the touch of an honest soul, a brisk wind off the port bow, conversation late into the night, gleeful appreciation, family, salvation and redemption, celestial vistas, lunches with friendly souls, the hope of water after seven years drought, the rallying cry to defend the just. Thank you world.

-C

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Still Moving

The title is in reference to this talk. Although I have to admit that I am doing much better than I could reasonably hope to be. The Lord is very kind to me. He has granted unto me peace where none existed. He has stilled the aching heart and spoken peace to my mind. It is strange, part of me wants to say that I have become so well acquainted with pain that I have learned how to deal with it. But I know that is not true.

The truth is that I have been given a gift. There are many facets to this gift, and I am learning to love and appreciate them all. I was talking to a good friend of mine earlier today about my life and how I am so very afraid that sooner or later someone will see the real me, the one I keep so deeply hidden that no one can possibly see. She told me I should get counseling. I told her I should not. I have been to counselors before, they have talked to me, I knew what they were saying, I understood it and I believed it. But I can't do it. She asked why, it was because of the comfort zone. I am paralyzed by the thought of once more having my heart broken. This past two weeks I have felt that pain. I'm stronger now, I think I am finally getting over Ashley. The scars have healed and I am once more hale.

I'm not so dark a being as I am afraid I am. I am going to try and break the status quo. I'm going to try and go outside of my comfort zone. Yeah, I need to devote some time to studies, time that I am currently not devoting to them. But I need to go out on ledges more often. I need to test myself and prove my life. But most of all I need to remember the author of my salvation. I know that if I can but remember him, life will sort itslef out and I will be found doing those things wich will please both him and me. Thank you my frineds.

Asmond Woodruff

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Pain

You know how you think you're good at something and then you realize you aren't? Yeah, that's me.

Life has been pretty rough lately. I guess it's always rough but it's been particularly difficult for me lately. I like a girl that for various reasons... just won't work out. I talk to her often and every time I do I experience this gut wrenching pain... literally. I can't deal with this emotionally caused pain, I just don't have the strength/power to do it anymore. I told her that I liked her and that I needed to back away because I can't handle it anymore.

It's stupid, I feel stupid for doing it, it was a selfish act of desperation. As I think about it now I can't even imagine why she would want to be with me. I'm not good enough for her, I don't know if I'm good enough for anyone. The only good thing about this whole experience is that I realize now that I can still 'fall in love' like I did in High School. That part of me is alive again, I'm just remembering why I tried to make it go away. I haven't felt pain like this in 7 years.

To top this wonderful sundae off with a wonderful cherry, I just gave what is, I hope, one of the worst sunday school lessons of my life. I REALLY need to remember how to teach, I caught myself doing all of the things I hate sunday school teachers doing. I'm a miserable sort of man right now.

God have mercy on my soul.

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Running again

And burning bridges while I do it.

Pre-reqs for the next girl I like: Must be single.

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The Screwdriver

You know how when you move sometimes you lose things? Somehow in the interchange of belongings that happens over the days, weeks and months you live in a place with other people your things become so intermixed that it's almost impossible to find all of those things in their sundry places when you attempt to move out.

*** insert witty segway here ***

A few years ago I worked for the devil. Two good things came out of that dark summer. Money, lots of it (the devil has a great payrate) and my screwdriver.

I loved this screw driver, it was adaptable, and amazing. I used it that whole summer, it got scrapes, dents, and banged up from being used like a hammer to pound sensors in. It has character, and I lost it in one of those moves that I've done recently.

And tonight I went to a party of some old roomies and I found my screwdriver. It's good to have him back. Strange how we assign value to things, even more strange are the things we assign value to. I mean a screwdriver? I picked it up for like 5 dollars at a hardware store. But oh how I love it. As a techy I often need a Philipshead, and having variable head sizes is divine.

I love my screwdriver.

In other news: I got snowed on. I was told to kiss a girl I didn't like so much, by a girl. Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog is amazing.

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An outlet.

Pitter, patter, water's hot.
Trying to burn away the feeling.
Alone at last, not really enough.
All the confusion, hope and pain.
Swirling inside, controlled for a moment
Remembering those Haunting eyes.
From dreams to dreams
Keeping in, keeping out.
Such agonizing hope,
The thought of tomorrow, of today.
Under my skin, in my head.
The starving man watching a feast.
Reaching out to touch her cheek,
Remembering those haunting eyes.
A part of me whispers,
"There is no hope."
While aching deep the need,
For pain, for love, for agony.
The two compliment the one.
And within their confines wring free
the emotions locked so far down
I'd thought them lost forever.
And free they range, burning sweet
Through halls too long empty
The sun warming skin white from the dark
Close my eyes, drink the dregs.
Torture that reminds me I am alive
And as sweet this is reminds me
sweeter still if lips could touch
hands entwine and grasping hold
Stand against life's tempests
Together.

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34...

I knew this class was going to kill me, I just didn't realize how badly it was going to do so.

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Second Take

I don't wan t to be that guy. I don't want her to be someone who falls for that trick. So, the question: what am I going to do?

Let her do what she needs to do and sit quietly on the eves? Will I be able to? Should I? How do I know she is even what I want?

Yes I'm being obscure, it's on purpose. I think the greatest tragedy is that I want to tell someone so badly, and don't know who to tell.

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The business of the day

• Two tests,


• a lab write up,


• a girl,


• a service project,


• work,


• homework (x2),


• taxes,


• a paper.

I need... six more hours today.

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The Lord Gives

And gives, and gives, and gives.

And then he gives some more. Does anyone else wonder (in the old school sense of the word) at this? Yesterday I had an opportunity to give a blessing to a girl, I didn't know her, she didn't know me, or my 'companion.' I followed promptings I didn't even realize I was following, it was only AFTER I'd followed them that I even realized the Lord had been guiding us.

Was talking the other day to DoubleTake, about trusting in the Lord to guide our paths and how he can make more of them than we can (isn't it weird how days/weeks seem to have religious themes? Maybe it's just my head turning a thought over and over until it becomes part of me...) but... he does.

I'm not sure if I will ever see that girl again, but I'm glad I was able to give her the aid she needed. I am so very grateful for the restoration of the priesthood and the authority to act in the name of my Father.

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