Happy Birthday

To me.

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Svithe

I am so grateful for the people whose company I keep. I look at the sterling examples of righteousness around me and hope that I can someday be like them. I am so very grateful that I have chosen friends that keep the standards of the gospel. I know they aren't perfect and I know that some may fall. But you know what? I'm not either and I probably will.

You know what they will do when I do? They'll help me. I intend on doing the same. Thank you.


-Cam

(Brought to you by the friends article in this month's Ensign, and the letter, "L")

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Stirred up...

"For behold, the Lord had blessed them so long with the riches of the world that they had not been stirred up to anger, to wars, nor to bloodshed; therefore they began to set their hearts upon their riches; yea, they began to seek to get gain that they might be lifted up one above another; therefore they began to commit secret murders, and to rob and to plunder, that they might get gain." Helaman 6:17

I have lately been thinking that I have too long been in the shadow of ease. I have forgotten the stirring up. I realize that despite all of my 'difficulties' I have not in quite some time come across a difficulty that is actually, well...difficult. My life is one of ease and simplicity. I shirk responsibility and commitments and find pleasure in things that have no great purpose in life but the mundane passing of a preverbal hour. How does one deal with this? I'm not really sure...but I have some speculations. How does one cause their soul to feel again? I have numbed myself to what pains I might experience. I have a good job, I enjoy my room-mates...so...what?

My parents might be moving to Georgia. Does this bother m e? A little...I'm scared mostly. I hate to think of all of the many things that I should be doing and yet do not. I should be feeling some sort of pain, excitement and such. I know what caused this, Gemini. It always happens after I commit too much of my heart to a girl who then stomps it into the ground and grinds it to dust. And I'm falling for it again, a nice girl...but one who has shown no amount of reciprocation. I'm setting myself up for a fall, I can see it...but can I stand not to take the chance? What if it does work out? Is that worth the risk?

These aren't really questions that anyone else can answer and I realize this, but... the thing that I am most saddened by is the fact that while I was there...I heard her invite someone else on an activity that could very easily be considered a date. It hurt, an actually sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hate that feeling, I don't get it often, but at the same time I revel in it, it is emotion. That is what I desire above all else, emotion. Passion really. If I could have enough of that to fill my days I could have little else and consider myself happy.

A statement I have made several times on my blog...but it stands repeated. "If I only had a heart."

-C

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Motivation

Today I was talking to a girl, which in and of itself isn't particularly spectacular as I often talk to girls. But the problem is that I was talking to her one on one. I don't do well in one on one situations. I have a hard time looking at the person and then I talk too much and make a fool of myself.

So, there I was making a fool of myself (which basically means I'm talking too much) but that in the process she managed to see something that I try to hide as best I can. That I have no purpose. I really don't. She said I needed more motivation in life. I hate loosing so...I'm going to do it.

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I should be doing homework

First, I'd like to say that I went to my first live sealing yesterday. I was terrified, if I didn't have the ring, I doubt I'd have gone. I'm not really sure why I don't want to be around people who are getting married but I don't. It was an old friend from highschool who asked me to be his bestman. Not too bad of a deal, in a mormon wedding the best man does little to nothing. I held the ring, I decorated the car and otherwise sat around and looked pretty.

It was also the first time I've been inside a temple in at least six months.

It's been a long year. I wish I could ask forgiveness for the other wedding I should have gone to, and didn't. But I can't, I was too afraid. I'm not afraid of the ceremony I suppose, but rather the temple itself, the commitments made there. I doubt I'll ever be able to do that. Gosh, yesterday at the reception as it was winding down I found myself playing with the four year old cousin because I felt like a piece of meat to be brokered out to the girls out there. So the little girl protected me. I'm sorry Rock Flower. Sorry to everyone else too.

-Asmond

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A week in Review

The past week has been a busy one. I started class on...gosh was it only Tuesday? Three days is not a long enough break with my job. Waaaay not a long enough. You see the end of Winter semester and the beginning of Fall are our two busiest weeks of the year. We have to check in all the rental computers that are being returned. We had 1400 checked out, we now have 475. That's roughly a thousand computers that we had to check in, make sure all the parts were there, and then store until next fall. It was busy, and then I had a nice three day weekend...and BAM. Back in the fast life.

I've been leaving home at about 7:20, going to school until noon, then work until 5. Stay at work ('cause it's quiet and nice...and I have my programs there) until about 8 or 9, at which point I grab some dinner. Then I head over to Jason's for a few hours to work on class #2 homework. I do that until about 11...then repeat.

It's a busy life. And it doesn't appear to be getting any better until the end of Spring Term. But in the last week I managed to: Do all of my homework up until the stuff due next Friday for class #1. And the lab and two home works due for class #2 by Monday. Tonight, I'm going to talk to Gemini about my lying, we'll see how that goes. Hopefully there will still be a hope of an “us.” And I'm going to try and get a chapter or so of reading in for Class #2 so I can hopefully understand what the heck is going on, on Monday. We'll see how successful I am in the endeavor.

I went to Dad's Singles Ward (he is a 1st counselor) today and told them that I would be attending church with them from now on. This will hopefully mean I'll actually be going to church now--Something that I've been not doing as much as I should have been. I really like that ward.

In other news; I did it again. I hate these little failings, but in church today I realized some things that I need to do and I'm going to do them. I just hope this doesn't interfere with the wedding (not mine...). Thanks to all you people who have started or restarted reading my blog. It's nice to get comments every now and again.

Some clarifications from last post: This project is in reference to the blog--which was started about 15 months ago. The darkness that intersects the light is the Angel Moroni. The amphitheatre rocks, and the speeches are impressive only because I know all of the thoughts behind them.

-C

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Post 90

So, I figured I'd do something happy for this my 90th post. Man, it seems like so many things have happened since I began this little project.

So, I'm going to share with you one of my favorite things in the world. Late at night, if you go to the north east side of the Timpanogos Temple and look up. There you will see a beam of light that has been intersected by a shaft of darkness in the middle. I love that spot. I'm not really sure why, other than the fact that I love that temple. It's one of my favorite things to do when I'm alone and need a little aid from above. And if you go just a block or two directly west of that point you will find the ampitheatre where I go and deliver my speeches. No one else is there to hear me (hopefully) but I find that my speeches there are the most spectacular things I've ever heard.

The topics range greatly but usually end up in shouted prayers to God. Both in thanks, and pain, in love and despair. My most heartfelt prayers are there with the temple lights just out of sight looking up at the darkened sky--just a hint of light in the far sky--it is there that I've fallen to my knees and cried unto my Lord. There is peace and calmness in those two spots. Those of you who know me will hopefully see that 'silly happy' smile on my face as you read this post. If those stones could talk...they would be able to share my entire life, my struggles and fears, my loves and dreams. I sincerely hope you all have places like these where you can go and feel that love, that peace. I pray that you do.

May you find peace in our Lord.

-Cameron

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Musings

Well, I'm not really sure what to write about. These past few days have been a blur of motion. One thing I've noticed is my interaction with those around me.

For example, the last few days, this will include such hits as; the blog party, dinner @ Ottavio's and Movie Night at JP's.

The Blog Party, what a wonderful night, I forgot how much I miss being around people who have sharp wits. I've been spending a good portion of time with people who are either too nice or simply not jaded enough to have a good verbal skirmish. Of particular note was meeting Th. who quite made the night, and made it very hard to leave the Fobcave.

Sorry, I can't finish this right now, so instead I'm going to talk about a few other things: I did it again. I can't believe it, I ignored all the warning signs, I ignored my own better judgement that told me to turn around. But I did it. And now I hate it, I cannot stand to be around people when I know that I don't deserve their company, what would they say if they knew? *sighs* One secret, I have one and I can't etell anyone. How I wish it weren't a secret, weren't an issue.

But it isn't, and I'm not going to do it again, so forgive me but I'm going to sign off now, God bless.

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Wicked

GLINDA

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:
I have been changed for good

I was at Gemini's the other night and her sister sang a song from "Wicked." It reminded me of how much I enjoy the play. So I went and 'borrowed' the soundtrack from my sister. And I've been listening to it for the last little bit, there are two songs in particular that have struck me anew. "No Good Deed" and "For Good" seem to me to be iconic of my life these past few months. Particularly the line, "Was I really seeking good, or was I just seeking attention?"

I wonder about that sometimes, am I who I am because I want attention? I don't rightly know, but the desperation in "No Good Deed" seems all too comprehensible to me. The emotion raw and exposed before the lens, how do I describe this...I don't understand it, I don't know how to fix this hole within me. I think I understand how Rockflower felt, a little bit more...

I don't know what I'm thinking, I don't know what to do with my life, I need some sort of direction I feel so alone. I hate what I've done, I hate the situation I'm in, and I'm trying to fix it, but I don't know how. I have done wsomething with Gemini that I know will tank that possibility. I always do this, I self destruct msefl. Why? Why do I do it? It seems so logical at the time, so...nessissary but in retrospect I know that it was a mistake. Not just one of those spilled milk mistakes, one of those, "The Titanic can take on a little bit of ice! Full forward!" kind of mistakes. I wish I could stop it, I wish I could believe what he said, I wish I didn't have to keep questioning and reproving. I suppose it all comes back to faith, Gosh dang it.

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An old book

I'm not exactly sure where the book came from, I remember the first time I saw it, I must have been...14 or something. It's a short book, only 106 pages with a big print and wide margins, but it's what got me hooked on romance novels. It's interesting how I can remember the event so clearly. It was summer, afternoon, I was in the living room bored. I found the book and I started to read it. I've never been able to find it again, and I was ashamed of it then, as I was tonight when I saw it again. (the cover is pink.)

Where am I going with this? Not really sure, I guess I'm just being a little nostalgic. It's strange, it seems like everyone is getting married this month. I'm to attend my first live marriage sessions, two in as many weeks. The best part of this...I actually feel like I'm worthy of going through the temple again. I miss it, I miss doing baptisms every Saturday. It seems so strange that it was almost a year ago that I stopped doing them, a wasted year.

With this school year ending I'm making a few new (school) year resolutions.

1. Go to the temple often.
2. Go to church weekly.
3. Pray fervently.
4. Attend school even when it is inconvenient.
5. Do homework.
6. Do service for other people weekly.
7. No more lies.
8. Allow myself to be depressed, and move on.
9. Live life without expecting another day with which to postpone repentance.
10. Allow myself to love someone.
11. Ask for help when I need it.
12. Write a little bit more.
13. Love.

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Gemini's Family

It has come to my attention that I might need to give the girl referenced in "A girl to call my own." an online name so that I might address her with more ease. I had thought about simply recycling "SHE" but I don't think the original SHE would like that very much, and it might get confusing. So, in that spirit, I've decided to come up with a name for her... and without further ado... I present Gemini.

So Gemini and I have been doing some fairly serious liking (at least I have...and I'm kinda hoping that she has as well.) The night before last (meaning Saturday) I helped Gemini move from her current abode (sticks) to her temporary abode (north sticks). There I got to meet wonderful 2 year old little brother, Walton, Gemini's Mom, Replica, Pradagal and Gemini's Dad. Not to mention Grumpy the five month old youngest brother. The first little bit I entertained Walton while Gemini and her Mom cleared space in the north sticks for all of Gemini and Scottish(Gemini's twin) stuff in the basement.

Walton is a great kid and I had a lot of fun entertaining him, but I felt kinda bad because Gemini and I being there disrupted him and Grumpy's sleeping schedule and they were up till all hours of the night. We finished moving all the stuff about at around 11:00. At which point Gemini's Mom had so kindly provided a drink for myself, which was very interesting. We then got to talk to Replica and Pradagal as well as Gmom and shortly Gdad, with Walton and Grumpy making a few visits in to check up on the action.

I love Gemini's family. It's the kind of family I've always wanted and never really had. Which is not to say that I do not have a wonderful family--for I do. It's just...more open, more non-Woodruffish. I liked Gdad immediately and hope to spend more time with the entire family. I really do like Gemini for all these very strange reasons. I counted the other day, how many times I randomly thought of her. It was a large number that I'm almost embarrassed to think about. I already miss my 7:00 shift. The day just isn't the same when you don't start it off with a talk from last general conference. I should be getting my promotion next Monday, I want to go hiking after Finals and I need to crack down and actually study for a few of them.

Life is good, and I am content, which is more than I can say for myself in many months. Gemini has been a good influence on me. Until next time.

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Confirmed

Plans did in fact actually mean a date. I hate being right.

Why do the good ones take so much work?

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Plans

To answer Theric's question, I served in Fort Worth, Texas. Where it was often windy, my favorite experience was when our town was struck by a tornado. My companion and I went out and stood in the wind lashed rain, so strong you had to bend near to half horizonal or fall down, and then when the wind shifted direction, you'd fall to the ground and into a massive puddle that collected on everything due to the sheer amount of rain coming down. Yes, that was a good day.

I asked her out again today. She said no this time, but she give a reason (well...a good reason) she said she had, "Plans." And she texted me. Sometimes I hate the way communication works. I don't think girls understand what plans means to a guy. Plans means: I have a date with someone else. That's the only reason NOT to tell you what you're doing instead. But I don't get it, she claims to be anti-social, she askes me to go to lunch with her...all sorts of positive signs and then: Plans. Please give me something more, family plans, I have to work, ANYTHING but just plain plans. I think I'd rather hear, "A friend already asked me to go do something with him." than "plans." What a horrid phrase.

I don't understand girls, I don't understand myself sometimes, but I know I never understand girls. Myself I have this feeling that sooner or later things will work out an dI"ll figure out why I feel this, and why I feel that. But with girls there doesn't seem to be any logic, it's just...blech. Nothing, to go off of one thing means something and another means the same, but the first no longer means the second and the second means less than it did. The rules change before you figure them out and so you're perpetually two turns behind. When you do think you have a break...plans. Maybe I'll just go camping this weekend.

-Cameron

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The wind

There was a time on my mission that I was in dire need of some help from above. My companion and I didn't get along at all. I was new to the mission and still didn't understand how to teach. I sat one night and pleaded with God to show me what to do, to show me that he was there to give me some sign that the coming crisis was known and the he watched over me. The response I recieved was, in part, the wind.

He told me that when I felt the wind that he was thinking about me, when I heard it to know he was talking to me. So when I wake up on days like this where the wind catches at you and tries to carry you away with it, I smile I feel the goosebumps form and a tingling down my spine. I love to feel the wind, I love to have it whisper to me. How I wish it were always windy.

-C

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Jumper

I sometimes wonder how long it would take for someone to notice I was gone.

I live a transient life, here a few days, there a few days. I think I could go at least three and have no one even realize I was missing. My room-mates would assume I was at home, my parents would assume I was at my appartment, Jason would think me busy. Would anyone else care? Would they notice? Maybe people would assume I just hadn't logged on in a while... I really think I could make at least three days without anyone noticing. Maybe I'll try that, see what people think.

Yes, I think I shall.

What a depressing thought.

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A girl to call my own

EG, if you've just read the title; unlock your jaw and smile. I don't mean I'm going to actually own her. I have come the realization that I want a girl who I can say, "That's the one, that's mine." Every bit as much as she has the right to say the same about me. But I don't want it to be meaningless. I want it to be amazing. I want to look at a picture of her and think to myself, I miss her...I miss her a lot. And for sheer longing and desire to be near her again reach out and touch her cheek.

I want to miss someone when I go to bed not having seen them. I'm beginning to feel that way about something and someone. The something is if I haven't read my scriptures, I miss them; I miss how I feel when I haven't done it that day. I love that. The someone is a tricky story; she's perfect, and I'd love to have her, the problem is that someone else already figured out that little secret. He purposed and then for some completely daft reason which I have yet to fathom he backed out. I don't get it. But I wish I could take his place, come back crying and say I'm sorry and have her take me back. Gosh I'm dreaming of ways to get the girl to take me back and I haven't yet figured how to get her to take me in the first place.

I think deep down, I'm a romantic...which makes life horribly disappointing.

-C

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I am tired of being so alone in a world full of people.

I'm tired of realizing that I'm the one who keeps pushing people away.
I'm tired of not having the power to stop.
I'm tired of not realizing I'm doing it until it's too late.
I'm tired of being too proud to turn back and swollow my words.
I'm tired of having to appologize for things I've said.
I'm tired of this place.

If only I could have oblivion, I should like immortality, but what is the point of living forever if no one cares that you live? Oblivion is better, 'tis better not to exist than to lead a life that is never noticed.

I am sorry.

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Relationships

Lately I've been thinking about this a lot. And I think it goes along with my BoM study so I am using that time to write this...As I contemplate what I've just read of course.

I have a problem with relationships. I generally hit the self destruct button after a while and things just explode. I'm not talking about just relationships with girls, I mean with everyone. It is amazing that I'm still friends with J. It is the one hope I have in my life that I will someday be capable of having a mutually fulfilling romantic relationship.

Speaking of J, lately I've been hanging out quite a bit with his FHE sisters. Awesome girls. But I can sense...it's getting to that point. The point when I will do something that will offend them irrevocably and they will no longer enjoy my company. This scares me immensely. I need friendships in my life...

I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, I partly blame my mother and her New England ways for it... but not completely. I still take the blame for such simple things as my inability to keep a relationship past week two. I heard a quote once that said, "you can pretend to be someone you aren't for about a year, at that point, the REAL you will start to shine through." I'm not sure if the 'me' that I show to everyone after week two is the real me or simply the me that I throw at people in an attempt to not allow them to see the me that lies inside. I'm not exactly sure what is so wrong with the inner me that I cannot allow people to see who it is. I like myself most of the time. At least I think I do. Maybe it's just my fear of love.

I do not remember my parents ever telling me that they love me. I don't know if I know what that emotion feels like...I don't know if I would know how to respond to it if it did come to me. Maybe that is where my fear comes from, I've never been there before never been in a position where someone loved me and I'm afraid of it, and everytime it gets near to that point I try to throw up so much flack that they will never see me running away as fast as I can.

How does this apply to my scripture reading you ask? I'm not really sure, it has something to do with Zeniff and Amulek and who they lived their lives in a firm belief of some higher force. And because of that belief they were given power to do things in this mortal world. I want that belief, that firm conviction, I want the power to overcome the difficult things I am faced with in life. Armies, wicked priests, I need the power of the Lord to be with me, is it already? Maybe it is...I have J as a friend after all. A better friend I don't think I could ask for. If you're reading this, thanks J. Good night everyone, sleep well.

-Cam

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Gattaca

First off, a shameless plug. Watch the movie, if you know me and you haven't seen it, call me up and ask to watch it with me. I LOVE this movie. I watched it tonight, and it will be the cause of me staying up faaar too late...but I'm okay with that. If you haven't seen it, stop reading now. Call me up, and watch it before proceeding with the rest of this post.


Okay?


Good.


Now, for the part of the post that I really wanted to write. This is going to be a conglomeration of things from both the devotional on Tuesday (quite awesome by the way) to the watching of the movie tonight.

We are often found looking in another direction, away from the goal, the destination in life that we have. In the movie there are two main characters, Jerome and Vincent. Jerome by all standards should be the best at all that he does, he was genetically engineered to be that way. Vincent on the other hand...was not. Who in this story does everyone want to be? Vincent. Because he has something that Jerome does not, that cannot be given to us, he has a gift that cannot be hard-coded into our double helix. Vision. Dreams. Aspirations. Vincent sees a world where everything can be made possible, Jerome sees a world where everything is possible.

Suddenly Jerome discovers that there is something that he, 'isn't made for' that happens. He gets a silver medal. In an instant Jerome's world falls apart. Vincent never had a world, until he makes it.

I'm not sure where I'm getting at here, the worth of a vision, the inherent nature of driven people. I'm not quite sure. But I do know that I want to be more like Vincent--I want to be someone who dreams. "I got the better end of the bargain, I lent you my body, you lent me your dream."

If I could only be as passionate about one thing...

-Cameron

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To the quick

Someone just said something that hurt me. It hurt me alot. I'm not sure how this person managed to get inside my head so well as to break that wall of self-assurance which I give to the outside world, but they did, they managed it and I despise them for it. No, that's too strong, I hate myself for being what they accused me of being. And that is what hurts the most. Not because of who said it or how they said it, merely that it is true.

It's hard to confront those aspects of yourself which you don't like, to see them and have them so openly mocked and barraged with attention. They become painful sores on the concious, open wounds into which any causual passer-by may rub salt.

It is something that I will attempt to fix, but it's not easy, I don't want to do it, I don't want to change, to give up this aspect of myself, it is a defense which I have used far too long to openly cast aside in favor of more gentle friends. There was a quote that one of my Zone leaders required I memorize:

"I am convinced that missionary work is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy. We are The Church of Jesus Christ, this is the truth, and He is our Great Eternal Head. How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for Him?"

How I wish I could take the easy road.

-Cameron

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