Seeing Pain

So, when I look at people I can see their pains. I've gotten pretty good at identifying the sources of these pains, and can usually tell you the things a person struggles with. Some people are better at hiding it than others, but for the most part, I have a large degree of empathy.

For this reason, in High School, I decided to stop feeling. As a teenager I was confused by my own emotions, let alone everyone around me. It wasn't a very happy experience. So I stopped feeling.

As I have gotten older, I've tried very hard to feel again, as I do so, I discover that I can feel other people's pain again. But there is a catch, for those girls whom I like, it doesn't work. I cannot use this gift for my own personal gain, I can only use it for others. This is particularly annoying when I like a girl and she seems to like me... but there is a 'concern' as we used to call it in the mission field. Also, it makes it very difficult for me to hate people, that is really annoying, because how can you hate someone when you can see how much pain they are in?

Sorry, venting. I told the girl I like, that I like her (my exact words were, "emotionally attached") and she said, "I kinda already knew that." What the heck does that mean? I'm so used to just understanding that this is driving me crazy, I can't for the life of me understand what's going on in her head. Help me please.

-C.A.

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The quiet of the night

I love the quiet of the night, the moments when no other soul stirs the wind of the house. It speaks a quiet peace to the soul, like heavy winds off the ocean. The ones that have twirled past a thousand empty dunes of rising sea and foam. In these quiet whispering moments when all the world around you is asleep and dreaming, that's when the world comes alive. Every scent, every sound takes on a mystic quality. It's these quiet moments when we turn inwards and allow the dreamscape of our souls to reflect on the mundane appliances of every day living.

I am blessed beyond measure, I cannot imagine what twist of fate has given me such fortune. For I am rich beyond measure, I have the love of friends to support me through moments of bitter dark and the hands of loved ones to share the lilting harmonies of elated bliss.

This season I am grateful for so many things. The scent of shampoo, the trilling bird song, the cascades of light upon the firmament, the touch of an honest soul, a brisk wind off the port bow, conversation late into the night, gleeful appreciation, family, salvation and redemption, celestial vistas, lunches with friendly souls, the hope of water after seven years drought, the rallying cry to defend the just. Thank you world.

-C

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Still Moving

The title is in reference to this talk. Although I have to admit that I am doing much better than I could reasonably hope to be. The Lord is very kind to me. He has granted unto me peace where none existed. He has stilled the aching heart and spoken peace to my mind. It is strange, part of me wants to say that I have become so well acquainted with pain that I have learned how to deal with it. But I know that is not true.

The truth is that I have been given a gift. There are many facets to this gift, and I am learning to love and appreciate them all. I was talking to a good friend of mine earlier today about my life and how I am so very afraid that sooner or later someone will see the real me, the one I keep so deeply hidden that no one can possibly see. She told me I should get counseling. I told her I should not. I have been to counselors before, they have talked to me, I knew what they were saying, I understood it and I believed it. But I can't do it. She asked why, it was because of the comfort zone. I am paralyzed by the thought of once more having my heart broken. This past two weeks I have felt that pain. I'm stronger now, I think I am finally getting over Ashley. The scars have healed and I am once more hale.

I'm not so dark a being as I am afraid I am. I am going to try and break the status quo. I'm going to try and go outside of my comfort zone. Yeah, I need to devote some time to studies, time that I am currently not devoting to them. But I need to go out on ledges more often. I need to test myself and prove my life. But most of all I need to remember the author of my salvation. I know that if I can but remember him, life will sort itslef out and I will be found doing those things wich will please both him and me. Thank you my frineds.

Asmond Woodruff

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Pain

You know how you think you're good at something and then you realize you aren't? Yeah, that's me.

Life has been pretty rough lately. I guess it's always rough but it's been particularly difficult for me lately. I like a girl that for various reasons... just won't work out. I talk to her often and every time I do I experience this gut wrenching pain... literally. I can't deal with this emotionally caused pain, I just don't have the strength/power to do it anymore. I told her that I liked her and that I needed to back away because I can't handle it anymore.

It's stupid, I feel stupid for doing it, it was a selfish act of desperation. As I think about it now I can't even imagine why she would want to be with me. I'm not good enough for her, I don't know if I'm good enough for anyone. The only good thing about this whole experience is that I realize now that I can still 'fall in love' like I did in High School. That part of me is alive again, I'm just remembering why I tried to make it go away. I haven't felt pain like this in 7 years.

To top this wonderful sundae off with a wonderful cherry, I just gave what is, I hope, one of the worst sunday school lessons of my life. I REALLY need to remember how to teach, I caught myself doing all of the things I hate sunday school teachers doing. I'm a miserable sort of man right now.

God have mercy on my soul.

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Running again

And burning bridges while I do it.

Pre-reqs for the next girl I like: Must be single.

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The Screwdriver

You know how when you move sometimes you lose things? Somehow in the interchange of belongings that happens over the days, weeks and months you live in a place with other people your things become so intermixed that it's almost impossible to find all of those things in their sundry places when you attempt to move out.

*** insert witty segway here ***

A few years ago I worked for the devil. Two good things came out of that dark summer. Money, lots of it (the devil has a great payrate) and my screwdriver.

I loved this screw driver, it was adaptable, and amazing. I used it that whole summer, it got scrapes, dents, and banged up from being used like a hammer to pound sensors in. It has character, and I lost it in one of those moves that I've done recently.

And tonight I went to a party of some old roomies and I found my screwdriver. It's good to have him back. Strange how we assign value to things, even more strange are the things we assign value to. I mean a screwdriver? I picked it up for like 5 dollars at a hardware store. But oh how I love it. As a techy I often need a Philipshead, and having variable head sizes is divine.

I love my screwdriver.

In other news: I got snowed on. I was told to kiss a girl I didn't like so much, by a girl. Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog is amazing.

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An outlet.

Pitter, patter, water's hot.
Trying to burn away the feeling.
Alone at last, not really enough.
All the confusion, hope and pain.
Swirling inside, controlled for a moment
Remembering those Haunting eyes.
From dreams to dreams
Keeping in, keeping out.
Such agonizing hope,
The thought of tomorrow, of today.
Under my skin, in my head.
The starving man watching a feast.
Reaching out to touch her cheek,
Remembering those haunting eyes.
A part of me whispers,
"There is no hope."
While aching deep the need,
For pain, for love, for agony.
The two compliment the one.
And within their confines wring free
the emotions locked so far down
I'd thought them lost forever.
And free they range, burning sweet
Through halls too long empty
The sun warming skin white from the dark
Close my eyes, drink the dregs.
Torture that reminds me I am alive
And as sweet this is reminds me
sweeter still if lips could touch
hands entwine and grasping hold
Stand against life's tempests
Together.

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34...

I knew this class was going to kill me, I just didn't realize how badly it was going to do so.

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Second Take

I don't wan t to be that guy. I don't want her to be someone who falls for that trick. So, the question: what am I going to do?

Let her do what she needs to do and sit quietly on the eves? Will I be able to? Should I? How do I know she is even what I want?

Yes I'm being obscure, it's on purpose. I think the greatest tragedy is that I want to tell someone so badly, and don't know who to tell.

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The business of the day

• Two tests,


• a lab write up,


• a girl,


• a service project,


• work,


• homework (x2),


• taxes,


• a paper.

I need... six more hours today.

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The Lord Gives

And gives, and gives, and gives.

And then he gives some more. Does anyone else wonder (in the old school sense of the word) at this? Yesterday I had an opportunity to give a blessing to a girl, I didn't know her, she didn't know me, or my 'companion.' I followed promptings I didn't even realize I was following, it was only AFTER I'd followed them that I even realized the Lord had been guiding us.

Was talking the other day to DoubleTake, about trusting in the Lord to guide our paths and how he can make more of them than we can (isn't it weird how days/weeks seem to have religious themes? Maybe it's just my head turning a thought over and over until it becomes part of me...) but... he does.

I'm not sure if I will ever see that girl again, but I'm glad I was able to give her the aid she needed. I am so very grateful for the restoration of the priesthood and the authority to act in the name of my Father.

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Not really alone

The following came as I thought about D&C 19:18. The Lord in his Godhood, was able to do something no other mortal could have, he survived the complete withdrawal of the his Father's spirit. O, what pain that must have been. For one who had never sinned, who had never in all his life done anything deserving of the absence of the Most High... to be alone as no other mortal ever could be. Is there any wonder he was in "an agony?" Is there any wonder that he prayed more earnestly? To be cut off from all the light in the world. To experience, for a moment, perdition. And he survived this his final trial with such elegance. Is it any wonder that he trembled? How could he possibly love me so much to be worth that?

In these my dark hours
When alone I wander.

Walking down the streets,
Silence my only companion.
Surrounded by this human sea,
My heart longs for some connection.

In these my dark hours
When alone I wander.

Skin pulsing with the ache,
To feel another's touch.
The part of me deep inside,
that dies when lovers touch.

In these my dark hours
When alone I wander.

But not really alone,
You've been there throughout.
Unable to hold my hand,
You supported my heart.

In these my dark hours,
No longer alone to wander.

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Remember

I was reading today in doctrine and covenants section 18 verse 10, which reads, “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” At first my thoughts turned to other people, and my recent calling which is to be that of the gospel essentials teacher. But, as I continued to ponder the words, I realized I was missing out on one of the most important parts, the remember.

I am to remember that the worth of souls is great! O, remember, remember; to make that a part of my life, my every day interactions with others. How does that simple fact change the world? To remember that the person on the bus has great worth, what impact does that have on my life? Then, I realized that this scripture isn’t just about other people, but it is about me as well, and I must remember that MY soul is of great worth to God as well. How much more does that change the world? To know that my actions are something that God himself takes great interest values highly. Something that causes him joy?

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What comes out.

I've been meaning to write about a lot of different things lately. This post will simply be what comes out.

Several months ago my car was pulled over while I was driving it, I got a ticket. I did not pay that ticket. I was pulled over again several months later, I got another ticket, I was also told my license was suspended. The next day I got another. 800 dollars in fines and taxes later. My car is parked and will only be used in dire straits. I've been taking the bus.

While on the bus I have an excessive amount of free time. I read. I've been reading the Count of Monte Cristo. Or... la Comte de Monte Cristo. It's amazing. I'm about 600 pages in, so about halfway, and can scarcely put it down except that I need to do homework or go to work.

I've been slacking at work, today we had performance reviews, I didn't get as much as I was hoping to get, they said the reason was because of my punctuality. Curse my miasm.

My life is full, it is pleasing and the Lord is supporting me through trials and tribulations that normally I would not have the strength to endure. I am so very grateful for his hand in my life. I see it more and more every day. In the strength of my body, the conviction of my friends, the clarity of mind and the hope. Oh most precious the light of hope to the man who has so long struggled in darkness. I feel it inside me, it illuminates and heals, but most importantly it fills the void. If God took away all else he has given me and left me that. I should hope I would count myself the luckiest man alive. For I am truly blessed to have the honor of standing beside him.

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Service

Two Sundays past I heard a talk that focused on three different aspects of improvement. The first was scripture reading, the second was prayer and the third was service. I've been working on the first two and today I managed to do the third. My hometeaching companion came by while I was in the middle of a video game. I dropped the video game and got dressed, we were going to go bless one of the sisters we taught, and then one of my companions fiance's room-mate.

Joseph Smith once blessed two dozen odd babies and when he returned from doing so fell asleep quickly, exhausted. He said that the process of blessing was more draining than just about any other act he had done. I kind of know what he means, the focus and intent that went into those two blessings left me drained. Physically and mentally. I've rarely felt so good about myself as I did today. Another amazing thing is that the girls looked so much better afterwards, as though the focus and effort that I'd put into them had given me the ability to see them as the Lord saw them. Which made them beautiful.

I realized that I wanted to be someone that people felt like they could call when they had needs and wants. I wanted to be someone that could be counted on.

But most of all, I felt how grateful I was for the Lord's aid and love.

-Asmond (C)

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I think the mountain just might be too tall.

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My parents

I love my parents...

They came into town. I have an extra bedroom in my apartment. Heck, I'm really the only one who lives here. So they are staying here. My room-mates have kind of trashed the place. And I just haven't taken the effort to clean up, they cleaned for like two hours tonight. I don't deserve them.

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My super weakness

So, lately... for whatever reason I've actually decided I wanted to start working out. And I've started doing that. The problem is that when you don't work out for... years it's hard to get into it. I'm not in horrible shape... but I could stand to be in better. My muscles get SUPER sore particularly if I use a 'new' set... so I've taken to going to the hot tub to relax them... every time I go, even if I'm only in the jacuzzi for five minutes the next three hours are a struggle to stay awake. It puts me to sleep sooooooooooo fast.

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The Drive

My favorite part about living as far away from the epicenter of my social life is the drive home. Summer nights in Utah are something I'll never get out of my system. The day so hot and demanding turns cool, and as you drive past yards you can feel the wetness in the air as people water their lawns. My drive home takes me through a largely rural area. As rural as you can get without ever leaving Provo and Orem city boundaries anyway. The scent of the wet loam (I'm not really sure I can use the term Loam in this instance... I feel like I haven't baled enough hay to earn that right) fills me with joy. The wind rushing through my hair and against my face... If I could say that happiness had a physical representation, it would be that. Driving down a rural road in Utah at night with the windows down and a good song on the radio.

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More Dear

I was talking to a coworker today about how certain things are made more dear by the price we pay for them. And as I was walking by the cube of the girl mentioned in the post previous I wondered if my viewings of her do not increase in value to me based on their rarity and how hard it is for me to get them. They are limited to chance encounters, or me walking by her cube and peaking through the narrow gap where the partitions come together, a lucky glimpse of her face. These things are valuable to me, they are meaningful.

The things that come easy are soon forgotten, but the prizes fought and bleed for... we hold them close for ages.

To quote:

We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

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