Given the chance, I'd fall again.

When I first started this blog I added questions to every post, and those questions were more or less rhetorical. I've gotten out of the habit, and I think I'd like to start that up again, so here goes.

If it never goes any further than it has, will I be okay with that?

Today I came face to face with the realization that it might not. I might not be able to defeat the ghost, I might not stave off my wanderlust long enough. I might not be a classy enough guy for her. There are a lot of things that may go wrong.

There is a saying, trite beyond compare really, "Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved." It's true though, I'm a fan of falling, of getting in over your head and then... dealing with it. I've discovered something as I've tried to do that, the more I do it, the easier it is to give of myself and the easier it is to heal afterward. Love, like any muscle, needs exercise. Our souls are made to love, that is part of the design, we just have to get our minds out of the way long enough for the eternal font of life to shine through us.

Yes, it hurts. But the pain is small, you went all in and God respects that, he rewards you for your effort. I won't ever regret this, but I do regret hurting you, I shouldn't have responded the way I did. I should have been stronger, I am so sorry that my weakness was a source of your pain.

No one is perfect, me less so than most it seems, you didn't do anything wrong.

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Walking away (rough draft)

Walking away, just for a moment.
Gives the whispers a chance,
To tell me all the things I fight,
to fill me with the lies I refuse to believe.

Knowing that I soon must stand,
I wonder what strength I have.
Will tonight be when the resistance ends?
Or will Key still have something to write.

Turning away isn't possible.
All that's left is to hold on,
Till the fingers bleed
till the arms burn.

Where does the dreaming end?
And waking begin? When your
whole life is a nightmare
does reality even matter?

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Notice

Because I promised.

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The ocean

There is a craving in my blood, for oceans and waves and sand. I feel like nothing is complete without them. I need to get out of this state.

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Ruminations 9/21

It's probably time for a real post here... one that isn't esoteric and really short. It has been an interesting last couple of weeks. The ride has been good. Most of my stress lately has been revolving around attempting to find a job. I don't think I even realized how draining it has been.

I have an interview tomorrow, I'm somewhat terrified of it, both if I get it and if I don't.

It's a long way away from home, and I have no transportation really since Gusto died. Things are complicated on the relationship front, and I don't really see them settling down anytime in the near future. I'm having mixed concerns with my new ward, and the way that they run things. Particularly my part in it. I feel like I know a lot of the people here, but don't really do anything with them. Being out of school puts me in a strange loop outside of the norm.

Today we had a lesson about how God gives us all our talents, and how we are ungrateful when we do not give all the credit to him for the things we accomplish. I thought at the same time, how we must also be grateful to the Father for all the weaknesses we have, for they are opportunities to grow. They are things he has trusted that we would be able to deal with, and it's not like he makes us deal with them alone enough. They are how we remember his love, and how we feel it most powerfully.

I don't often say thank you for the things that I struggle with, but maybe I should. Maybe I should be grateful he picked out for me a collection of tests designed to help me grow.

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No further

From this point onward, I will be stronger. There will be no more instances of this failure.

This is my oath, to the wind. Until the shields are under me or the laurels become my right.

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Chooseing the Right

Is it right? What I'm doing...
Or is it just what I want?

How can I tell?

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Changes

There have been a lot of changes here lately... and it's likely that there will be some more. I'll be going through and adding labels to all my posts for one, and the advertisements on the side for another, I don't really expect to make any money off of the thing, but it couldn't hurt!

Still looking for a job, still trying to figure myself out. Someday I'll get one of those two probably, hopefully both of them. I should go and read my scriptures instead of sitting here updating, but it's a whole lot easier to deal with this than with God. I know... I'm coming.

Also, I'm starting up a new blog full of information that I'm not really certain I want everyone to have, if your name is Eric, Krystal or Sarah you could probably get that blog address/permission to see it, otherwise... you probably can't. Email or facebook.

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June 27th

Sleep has fled before mine eyes and left me a desolate pilgrim wresting the mysteries of the world into a thousand forgotten memories which dance before my eyes like motes of light, and in the dancing half become remembered.

Tonight, I felt like being sullen. So, I was for a little while, just had to get it out of my system. And now, it's time to be happy again.

Also, sometimes I just don't get it.

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Under Pressure

Ea reprimanded me for not posting, "as often as I check." So, I guess this means I need to write something.

I don't have a lot to say though... normally I write when I am feeling an excess of emotion that I am not finding acceptable methods of disclosure. However this hasn't been the case of late, and thus... I haven't felt the need to write.

So, travelog! I recently moved into my apartments here in the Milkyway. I have three really great room-mates, who I absolutely am going to love spending time with. We have been holding apartment scripture study, cleaning up after ourselves, etc. And while I realize this is still the Honeymoon stage of our apartment, I am hopeful for the future.

Mostly, lately I've just been incredibly grateful for the many blessings that I have in my life.

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Zion

The laborer in Zion shall labor for Zion.

What is Zion? I'm so tired of this pain, I never get anyone closer to Zion, all that happens every time I let myself feel is that pain comes in, and I...

"Know thou my son, that all these things shall be for thy benefit... the Son of Man hath descended below them all, art thou greater than he?"

I'm trying, Lord, I am so sorry.

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Gusto

In high school my parents bought a '96 Plymouth Breeze. Shortly after I returned from my mission it was given to me as the car I would be driving. I have driven it ever since. I decided to call him Gusto, because as a four cylinder he didn't have any otherwise.

Gusto went to DC with us, he made the trip back from Georgia with me. I went to Michigan and then Colorado in him. I had my worst car accident in him. Both of them. Looking back I guess you could say Gusto has been 'mine' longer than anything else I own. When my parents moved to Georgia Gusto is really all I had left of home, the only home I've ever really called home.

Lately, I've been having arguments with my parents about fixing him up, I didn't really see a point, he has so many problems that I figured I would just drive him into the ground and that would be that. Tonight, he died. The starter has been acting up a lot lately and I knew the end was coming. But I don't think I was fully prepared for it. I know I wasn't. It was a quiet death, in his sleep I suppose you could say. He was pretty old for a car, and I didn't take as good a care of him as I ought to have...

I just didn't realize how much I'm going to miss him. How much I am going to miss a home. Ea said she was homesick today. I realize that I am too, I'm homesick for a place that doesn't exist anymore, for a period of my life that I can't go back to. How I wish things never had to change, that life would just go back to the way it was.

I'm going to miss Gusto, I'm going to miss the hole in the floor that I used to pick the lock so many times, I'm going to miss the metal bumper Brother Whiting put on when we drove it to DC. I'm going to miss the freedom he gave me, the memories I have of him. A hundred different things about him, about something that is so integrated into my life that it seems strange to give him up.

Some other memories of Gusto that I love:

Ashley: "Oh, you brought the good car today."

Emmaleigh: "This is going to be up here for a long time isn't it?"

Jason: "What is getting me wet? Where is this water coming from?"

Random New Yorker: "They hit your car!"

I'm going to miss you Gusto. I'm sorry that you have to go.

-C

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On Angel's Wings

It is funny sometimes, how often the Lord answers our prayers in ways that we don't comprehend, or even guess at until long after the event in question.

Lately, I have been trying to focus a lot on how many things I have been given. I suppose the source of this is in picking up Way to Be the first chapter of which was on gratitude. So, by no means a complete list, but things that I have been thinking of lately:

• The Wind.
• My family
• The willingness of others to share
• Jason
• The Internet
• Long nocturnal walks
• Ice Cream
• Blankets
• Movies
• Being able to recapture my childhood
• The realization that today is all I have
• The Scriptures
• Prayer
• Responses
• Forgiveness
• Truth
• Eyes
• Electro-Magnetic Pulses
• The people who read this blog
• The people who give me blogs to read

As an exercise I've been trying to name things I'm thankful for in my 'down' time, it is interesting what comes up in my head. I think I'm going to take a page out of Janell's book and swear off a few subjects on my blog, so... I'm going to avoid those particular subjects for the time being. Life is good, It is scary not knowing where I am going in life, but I have the assurance that I am walking in the right direction, and I guess I don't need anything more than that.

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A moment of quiet reflection.

I recently returned from the coast. I love the coast so much. It sets my heart at ease. It's strange, all the things that I've been dealing with for months, it just took twenty minutes on a beach at sunset, the sunset above actually. I still need to edit that with something other than paint, I'm not satisfied with the colors or the text. Anyway... It's amazing how much peace I can achieve with something so simple as a visit to the ocean.

Also, I realized how much I've missed talking to someone, all this summer I've had to keep up an illusion, a facade of strength that I never really felt. Now, I look forward with peace and see the difficult water ahead. It doesn't bother me that much.

I guess that's what happens when you remember, like Peter, to cry out, "Lord, save me."

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Words, words, words.

I realize I've been putting off life, and soon, life is going to catch up to me.

I have no idea what to do.

I realized yesterday, I wouldn't mind dying(not suicide)--at least then I'd know where I was going.

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Tanya

Once, when I was younger, we made the mile long trek to Verds, or Yerds (we were never really sure which) to make use of our pennies on their supply of penny candies. Verds was a mom and pop type shop that was positioned about a mile from my home, we would ride our bikes down there and grab 25 cent sodas, 1 cent orange slices and the like.

One day, we ran into a girl that was in my grade and her older sister. I said Hi, she said, Hi. Then her sister said, "So this is Asmond..."

It made me think she liked me, it made me consider Tanya in a new light. We weren't really 'friends,' but I've always sorta wondered... what if?

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Post Secret

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New posts

Today I was talking to several people about poetry. It got me thinking about the beautiful things in the world. I found this, I think if I could be in this moment, my arm wrapped around the woman I love, and I could feel the slightly chill breeze drift in off the ocean, I could be happy, not just content but really, truly happy. Perhaps that's enough of a reason to go to the Celestial Kingdom, so I can visit this place and be in that moment, adrift from all the rest of humanity, isolated within the confines of that perfect moment.

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Post 193

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how bad I am at this whole life thing. I don't mean to say that I do life badly, but rather that I don't really possess the skills needed to function in life. I simply don't handle life the way that the world wants me to. Because of my depression I can't do things like School, or a 'real' job. I am discovering that there is a delicate balance that I have to pull between those things that we do to sustain life and those things we do to make life worth living.

It just randomly posted that, so my apologies for anyone who read just a partial message.

These facts have become more evident to me this past semester when school got me to an 'overload' point, and then everything just shut down. I'm getting back to the point that I can function in society again... but it has been a costly meltdown. I will probably be asked to leave BYU after this semester. Probably for good. This means I'm going to need to go somewhere else, or get a real job. I think I could try UVSC, I know that several of my friends have said it is a much less competitive school. But I think that is sorta what I need in life.

I was watching, "Meet Joe Black" today, and I realized how unlike Bill I am. How I wish I were. People don't love me, I will never be the kind of person he was. I know people like that, and I envy them so much.

Oh god, have mercy on me. I am so tired of being like this. I just want to be free of it. I don't want to carry this burden any longer, it is too much for me. I wish I could say, "Not my will", but I can't. What can I do?

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The path to walk

Last night I saw two futures,
One, the me that had
through fire, trial and pain
Become a being of excellence.
The other, through ease and idleness
achieved a sort of non-existence.

I knew the paths each had took
I knew the way that led to
Greatness and obsolescence
What scared me was not
How high I flew,
or how low I sunk.

But rather, that on waking
I was not sure which path to walk.

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