Commiseration(The PBU)

I have discovered that, contrary to all rational thought, one can only emphasis with people who you share a common experience with. And thus it is with great excitement that I garner unto myself this most recent of accomplishments.

I was found worthy of one choice and particularly debilitating experience. The pre-emptive breakup. Now normally the word pre-emptive is used only with things like nucular missiles or Canadian domination over the world. As for break-up...well the word conjures images of broken hearts, angry phone calls, bitter words and various other forms of angst.

But the preemptive breakup is a wonderful thing, it's a girl (or guy) telling you, "Yeah, don't even think about it." You aren't even good enough to give it a try and SEE if it works out, you're straight up rejected! I'm going to admit, sometimes the PBU is needed...it's just really hard to tell when that's the case. To use the PBU when it isn't needed... Well, you can imagine the apolitical repercussions that particular chain of events might have.

Anyway, my particular PBU wasn't too bad, she came over, she dropped off food, then proceeded to have the PBU. The problem is that the PBU was so blatant, all the signs of a full blown DTR were there. "Hey, I need to drop this off, when are you going to be home." "Is anyone else there." "Hey we need to talk." Nervous walk, failure to make eye contact. It was almost enough to make me laugh, had I not be expecting it and fortifying my tender heart against it. After all, the only thing worse than a PBU that isn't needed is when the recipient of the PBU laughs when you deliver it.

But regardless, the PBU came, then she tried to skip out like a rabbit caught in the farmer's carrot patch. Which is understandable, but was hardly needed.

All in all, my first PBU went just dandy. It was still prior to making any emotional ties and I still have a good friend. And now, if you will excuse me, it's time for some rebound action.

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As I read.

I've been putting it of for long enough, it's time to open them again:

3 Ne. 23-24: "And it came to pass that it did last for the space of three days that there was no light seen; and there was great mourning and howling and weeping among all the people continually; yea, great were the groanings of the people, because of the darkness and the great destruction which had come upon them.
"And in one place they were heard to cry, saying: O that we had repented before this great and terrible day, and then would our brethren have been spared, and they would not have been burned in that great city Zarahemla."

I talks of people in darkness, and the pain--nay the anguish--that this darkness is causing them. Am I feeling that pain? It it the darkness that causes this? Is there a darkness upon the soul? These were those who were righteous and yet...they were given this darkness. And it caused them pain. Who am I to contend with such? Is it past the time of my repentance? No, I am still alive, I am still able to ask. Am I willing to do so?

3 Ne. 9:13 "O all ye that are spared because ye were more righteous than they, will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?"

Can you hear the pain in that voice? The longing? I have not yet been destroyed, he still wants me. Can I? Can I do it? Do I have that kind of courage? What does it take to be converted?

3 Ne. 9:20 "And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost, even as the Lamanites, because of their faith in me at the time of their conversion, were baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost, and the knew it not."

The conditions, the reward. Baptism, cleansing, fire, purifying. Faith, faith in what? In his ability to keep his promises, in his love, in his grace. Could he ever want me back?

3 Ne. 10:4-6 (sorta) "how oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not." x4

Is he saying that he does? He is. I suppose it's time to open up again, to him. I'm afraid of prayer, it makes me vulnerable. But I can't go on with the nothing.

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Dishes

I really do think that it's impossible to be happy while doing the dishes--alone. Not because dishes are such a horrible task, but rather because it is a moment when your hands and body are busy but your mind is free to wander. It's a moment of reflection. It's a moment of depression. As you sit and scrub those dishes, you are able to think back upon the many failures of life, the foibles of youth, and the catastrophes of early adulthood. I am sure that later I will think of other things as well, but currently that's all that I have to think about...so that's what I think about when I do dishes.

I hate dishes, I hate the way it makes me feel--not doing the dishes...but rather just the fact that I think when I'm doing them. I realize that most of my blogs are rather depressing, but that's mostly because I only blog when I am depressed...otherwise I'm out doing things that are really exciting to me. So, take that into account as you read. The two month gap between my posts a while back is a good sign on my part. Now life sucks again. It's moments like this that I hate being alone. Doing dishes with someone is a great experience. I love doing it with someone, because you have a chance to sit and talk, while doing constructive things. It's probably one of the greatest things in life.

What am I saying? I hate being alone.

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100 Posts

In slightly over a year and a half, I've finally managed to hit 100 posts.

It started in February, and this September...well, quite a few things have happened in between. I've changed, I wish I could say I've grown. Truth is, I'm in pretty much the same state I was in when I started this whole business. My major has changed, I have more friends, and more enemies, but when it all comes down to it, who I am...the core, is still the same. And I still don't like it very much.

Where have I gone wrong? What part of growing up am I missing? Am I supposed to stay stagnant for so long? Has it really been a year and a half of lost faith? Am I where I should be? Am I where I could be? What could I have done better?

Against the nature of rhetorical questions, I'll answer myself.

I stopped reading my scriptures. I've given too much time to different worlds and have forgotten the real one, it's responsibility that I'm missing. No, I should be much better. Yes it has, but there have been moments, beautiful moments, where you had your faith again...oh that it were a moment to last eternity. No, you failed to do your duty, you should be further, you need to stop **** and ****, and start **** again--Not to mention ****. See last answer.

Today Morgan said that my posts always made her want to be better. I don't know about that, I'm just trying to figure all this stuff out, but I know where I want to be, and this is where I share my thoughts on where that is, and how to get there. I want to be happy, and I think I'll never be able to so long as I keep looking inside mater for that joy. Happiness is not a quantity that can be measured, so why should it be found in things that can be? The same is true of all things that we find valuable, Loyalty, Love, courage. You don't see people walking around saying, "I have 325723 love today guys!" It's funny, the only way to measure happiness is to discover unhappiness. The same is true with love, and companionship. How I wish the world weren't so cold and alone. How I wish I could remember him.

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A facade

I just finished watching "Howl's Moving Castle" and I must admit that I quite enjoyed it. My head and heart are full right now. I'm not really sure what is going to come out so...please forgive me.

Lately, I have been attempting to overcome a rather disturbing illness that seems to have gripped me and refuses to let go. I have told no one, and I don't think that I'm going to tell you now. But suffice it to say that it is something that causes me no small amount of consternation. In addition to this illness which besets me I am afraid that I have fallen away from the one thing that truly makes me happy. My God. I have found many substitutes for this pleasure. But, none fill me up, none manage to...how do I say this, they do not complete me. Perhaps that is the secret in life, you are only complete when you are not alone. And the only person that can be with you always is God.

I have left him alone, and now I must seek him out.

A little more about my sickness: I am diagnosed with a chronic illness which I have no doubt will someday lead to my eventual demise. An addiction of sorts, not of the body but of the mind, it requires that I have infusions of chemicals in order to meet that addiction. It is this exact malady which causes me to run from relationships, which causes me to form so little attachment to the things of this world. You see, my foot has been one step outside the doorway leading to the next for so long that I've forgotten what it means to be here...fully here.

I don't expect anyone to understand this, and if you think that you do...well, you probably don't. The only way you would understand it is if I explained it to you, and there are few, if any, that I would feel comfortable doing so.

*wry smile* Just another layer of isolatism that I heap upon myself to prevent anyone from seeing me...I have a friend who has often said, "I think I know you better than most--if not all--and I still think that I see only 30% of what's really there." He is correct, he knows so little about me. No one knows me, and I fear no one ever will.

-Cam

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Missing time

Sorry that it's been so long since I posted last. It seems like forever, and that's fine. I've lost my laptop and have been 'borrowing' computer time while I have it late at night. Tonight I met a girl, we'll call her Hana (if you know me in real life, this is a pseudonyms, not a real one) she's great--one problem--she has a boyfriend. A fairly serious one. I don't really want to date her, mostly because of the boy, and I have no desire to break up a relationship that could possibly end in eternal bliss. But I have noticed how much I miss having a girl. It's little things. Like the scent she leaves on a pillow or article of clothing.

Like watching a movie and having something to lean on. Like not feeling so incomplete all the time--missing half of my mind. I miss the goose bumps when you see her again, the instant happy of her smile. I miss the consideration and expectations given to each other.

It's a thousand little things, these are things that I love about being in love. The sad thing is...I don't think Hana is getting those things with her boyfriend. And it scares me that she will simply 'go with the flow' and never get goose bumps, never have a stupid grin creep across her face as she thinks about him. I'm afraid she'll never be in love.

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Resonance (Four Svithes)

Today, I walked a girl home from our apartment. Not because I liked her or anything of that nature, but because of whom I want to be. We talked about a myriad of things as we strolled the half-block to her apartment. Some of those truck home.

She said: intimacy is the only way relationships are anything but superficial. At the same time, I realized that the same is true of our relationship with God. In order for it to be anything beyond the superficial it must needs have some sort of intimacy. "Is there intimacy in our relationship?" I heard a voice speak in my head, and I realized the answer is no, at best we are indifferent friends that see each other and wave. What is intimacy? How does one cultivate that intimacy? Effort, lots and lots of effort.

As I walked back home, barefoot, I felt the warm cement with my feet and marveled. Although the sun had set almost a quarter of a day earlier, still the stones retained the warmth they held some of that warmth within them, and were willing, and able, to give some of it to me. The same is true with our immortal souls, no matter how dark we think the night has been, it is still a summer day, the warmth and love of Christ and The Father suffused our souls for millennium prior to our earthly entry into life. Some of that brilliance remains within every child here.

I often see new people I meet as jig-saw puzzles to be put together. If I can simply find the right pieces eventually I will be able to see how they fit together and have a complete understanding of them. Going along with 1, this removes the intimacy from the relationship, they are simply a logical puzzle that I can figure out given due time. I hate that side of me, and I hope that someday I might be able to fix it. To see them instead as people, with depths un plumbed that can only be shown by a guide, yes on occasion you can see a nearby cavern, but you never really know what is on the other side.

I stated earlier that I was walking her home based on who I wanted to become. I want to be someone who is genuineally concerned with the welfare and safety of others, not only physical but spiritual and mental as well. I cannot wait for the day when I shall see those around me and finally understand what all of those stains REALLY mean, I suppose I should get to work cleaning those, too much time spent looking for those flaws not enough time spent actually doing it.

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Happy Birthday

To me.

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Svithe

I am so grateful for the people whose company I keep. I look at the sterling examples of righteousness around me and hope that I can someday be like them. I am so very grateful that I have chosen friends that keep the standards of the gospel. I know they aren't perfect and I know that some may fall. But you know what? I'm not either and I probably will.

You know what they will do when I do? They'll help me. I intend on doing the same. Thank you.


-Cam

(Brought to you by the friends article in this month's Ensign, and the letter, "L")

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Stirred up...

"For behold, the Lord had blessed them so long with the riches of the world that they had not been stirred up to anger, to wars, nor to bloodshed; therefore they began to set their hearts upon their riches; yea, they began to seek to get gain that they might be lifted up one above another; therefore they began to commit secret murders, and to rob and to plunder, that they might get gain." Helaman 6:17

I have lately been thinking that I have too long been in the shadow of ease. I have forgotten the stirring up. I realize that despite all of my 'difficulties' I have not in quite some time come across a difficulty that is actually, well...difficult. My life is one of ease and simplicity. I shirk responsibility and commitments and find pleasure in things that have no great purpose in life but the mundane passing of a preverbal hour. How does one deal with this? I'm not really sure...but I have some speculations. How does one cause their soul to feel again? I have numbed myself to what pains I might experience. I have a good job, I enjoy my room-mates...so...what?

My parents might be moving to Georgia. Does this bother m e? A little...I'm scared mostly. I hate to think of all of the many things that I should be doing and yet do not. I should be feeling some sort of pain, excitement and such. I know what caused this, Gemini. It always happens after I commit too much of my heart to a girl who then stomps it into the ground and grinds it to dust. And I'm falling for it again, a nice girl...but one who has shown no amount of reciprocation. I'm setting myself up for a fall, I can see it...but can I stand not to take the chance? What if it does work out? Is that worth the risk?

These aren't really questions that anyone else can answer and I realize this, but... the thing that I am most saddened by is the fact that while I was there...I heard her invite someone else on an activity that could very easily be considered a date. It hurt, an actually sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hate that feeling, I don't get it often, but at the same time I revel in it, it is emotion. That is what I desire above all else, emotion. Passion really. If I could have enough of that to fill my days I could have little else and consider myself happy.

A statement I have made several times on my blog...but it stands repeated. "If I only had a heart."

-C

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Motivation

Today I was talking to a girl, which in and of itself isn't particularly spectacular as I often talk to girls. But the problem is that I was talking to her one on one. I don't do well in one on one situations. I have a hard time looking at the person and then I talk too much and make a fool of myself.

So, there I was making a fool of myself (which basically means I'm talking too much) but that in the process she managed to see something that I try to hide as best I can. That I have no purpose. I really don't. She said I needed more motivation in life. I hate loosing so...I'm going to do it.

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I should be doing homework

First, I'd like to say that I went to my first live sealing yesterday. I was terrified, if I didn't have the ring, I doubt I'd have gone. I'm not really sure why I don't want to be around people who are getting married but I don't. It was an old friend from highschool who asked me to be his bestman. Not too bad of a deal, in a mormon wedding the best man does little to nothing. I held the ring, I decorated the car and otherwise sat around and looked pretty.

It was also the first time I've been inside a temple in at least six months.

It's been a long year. I wish I could ask forgiveness for the other wedding I should have gone to, and didn't. But I can't, I was too afraid. I'm not afraid of the ceremony I suppose, but rather the temple itself, the commitments made there. I doubt I'll ever be able to do that. Gosh, yesterday at the reception as it was winding down I found myself playing with the four year old cousin because I felt like a piece of meat to be brokered out to the girls out there. So the little girl protected me. I'm sorry Rock Flower. Sorry to everyone else too.

-Asmond

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A week in Review

The past week has been a busy one. I started class on...gosh was it only Tuesday? Three days is not a long enough break with my job. Waaaay not a long enough. You see the end of Winter semester and the beginning of Fall are our two busiest weeks of the year. We have to check in all the rental computers that are being returned. We had 1400 checked out, we now have 475. That's roughly a thousand computers that we had to check in, make sure all the parts were there, and then store until next fall. It was busy, and then I had a nice three day weekend...and BAM. Back in the fast life.

I've been leaving home at about 7:20, going to school until noon, then work until 5. Stay at work ('cause it's quiet and nice...and I have my programs there) until about 8 or 9, at which point I grab some dinner. Then I head over to Jason's for a few hours to work on class #2 homework. I do that until about 11...then repeat.

It's a busy life. And it doesn't appear to be getting any better until the end of Spring Term. But in the last week I managed to: Do all of my homework up until the stuff due next Friday for class #1. And the lab and two home works due for class #2 by Monday. Tonight, I'm going to talk to Gemini about my lying, we'll see how that goes. Hopefully there will still be a hope of an “us.” And I'm going to try and get a chapter or so of reading in for Class #2 so I can hopefully understand what the heck is going on, on Monday. We'll see how successful I am in the endeavor.

I went to Dad's Singles Ward (he is a 1st counselor) today and told them that I would be attending church with them from now on. This will hopefully mean I'll actually be going to church now--Something that I've been not doing as much as I should have been. I really like that ward.

In other news; I did it again. I hate these little failings, but in church today I realized some things that I need to do and I'm going to do them. I just hope this doesn't interfere with the wedding (not mine...). Thanks to all you people who have started or restarted reading my blog. It's nice to get comments every now and again.

Some clarifications from last post: This project is in reference to the blog--which was started about 15 months ago. The darkness that intersects the light is the Angel Moroni. The amphitheatre rocks, and the speeches are impressive only because I know all of the thoughts behind them.

-C

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Post 90

So, I figured I'd do something happy for this my 90th post. Man, it seems like so many things have happened since I began this little project.

So, I'm going to share with you one of my favorite things in the world. Late at night, if you go to the north east side of the Timpanogos Temple and look up. There you will see a beam of light that has been intersected by a shaft of darkness in the middle. I love that spot. I'm not really sure why, other than the fact that I love that temple. It's one of my favorite things to do when I'm alone and need a little aid from above. And if you go just a block or two directly west of that point you will find the ampitheatre where I go and deliver my speeches. No one else is there to hear me (hopefully) but I find that my speeches there are the most spectacular things I've ever heard.

The topics range greatly but usually end up in shouted prayers to God. Both in thanks, and pain, in love and despair. My most heartfelt prayers are there with the temple lights just out of sight looking up at the darkened sky--just a hint of light in the far sky--it is there that I've fallen to my knees and cried unto my Lord. There is peace and calmness in those two spots. Those of you who know me will hopefully see that 'silly happy' smile on my face as you read this post. If those stones could talk...they would be able to share my entire life, my struggles and fears, my loves and dreams. I sincerely hope you all have places like these where you can go and feel that love, that peace. I pray that you do.

May you find peace in our Lord.

-Cameron

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Musings

Well, I'm not really sure what to write about. These past few days have been a blur of motion. One thing I've noticed is my interaction with those around me.

For example, the last few days, this will include such hits as; the blog party, dinner @ Ottavio's and Movie Night at JP's.

The Blog Party, what a wonderful night, I forgot how much I miss being around people who have sharp wits. I've been spending a good portion of time with people who are either too nice or simply not jaded enough to have a good verbal skirmish. Of particular note was meeting Th. who quite made the night, and made it very hard to leave the Fobcave.

Sorry, I can't finish this right now, so instead I'm going to talk about a few other things: I did it again. I can't believe it, I ignored all the warning signs, I ignored my own better judgement that told me to turn around. But I did it. And now I hate it, I cannot stand to be around people when I know that I don't deserve their company, what would they say if they knew? *sighs* One secret, I have one and I can't etell anyone. How I wish it weren't a secret, weren't an issue.

But it isn't, and I'm not going to do it again, so forgive me but I'm going to sign off now, God bless.

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Wicked

GLINDA

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:
I have been changed for good

I was at Gemini's the other night and her sister sang a song from "Wicked." It reminded me of how much I enjoy the play. So I went and 'borrowed' the soundtrack from my sister. And I've been listening to it for the last little bit, there are two songs in particular that have struck me anew. "No Good Deed" and "For Good" seem to me to be iconic of my life these past few months. Particularly the line, "Was I really seeking good, or was I just seeking attention?"

I wonder about that sometimes, am I who I am because I want attention? I don't rightly know, but the desperation in "No Good Deed" seems all too comprehensible to me. The emotion raw and exposed before the lens, how do I describe this...I don't understand it, I don't know how to fix this hole within me. I think I understand how Rockflower felt, a little bit more...

I don't know what I'm thinking, I don't know what to do with my life, I need some sort of direction I feel so alone. I hate what I've done, I hate the situation I'm in, and I'm trying to fix it, but I don't know how. I have done wsomething with Gemini that I know will tank that possibility. I always do this, I self destruct msefl. Why? Why do I do it? It seems so logical at the time, so...nessissary but in retrospect I know that it was a mistake. Not just one of those spilled milk mistakes, one of those, "The Titanic can take on a little bit of ice! Full forward!" kind of mistakes. I wish I could stop it, I wish I could believe what he said, I wish I didn't have to keep questioning and reproving. I suppose it all comes back to faith, Gosh dang it.

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An old book

I'm not exactly sure where the book came from, I remember the first time I saw it, I must have been...14 or something. It's a short book, only 106 pages with a big print and wide margins, but it's what got me hooked on romance novels. It's interesting how I can remember the event so clearly. It was summer, afternoon, I was in the living room bored. I found the book and I started to read it. I've never been able to find it again, and I was ashamed of it then, as I was tonight when I saw it again. (the cover is pink.)

Where am I going with this? Not really sure, I guess I'm just being a little nostalgic. It's strange, it seems like everyone is getting married this month. I'm to attend my first live marriage sessions, two in as many weeks. The best part of this...I actually feel like I'm worthy of going through the temple again. I miss it, I miss doing baptisms every Saturday. It seems so strange that it was almost a year ago that I stopped doing them, a wasted year.

With this school year ending I'm making a few new (school) year resolutions.

1. Go to the temple often.
2. Go to church weekly.
3. Pray fervently.
4. Attend school even when it is inconvenient.
5. Do homework.
6. Do service for other people weekly.
7. No more lies.
8. Allow myself to be depressed, and move on.
9. Live life without expecting another day with which to postpone repentance.
10. Allow myself to love someone.
11. Ask for help when I need it.
12. Write a little bit more.
13. Love.

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Gemini's Family

It has come to my attention that I might need to give the girl referenced in "A girl to call my own." an online name so that I might address her with more ease. I had thought about simply recycling "SHE" but I don't think the original SHE would like that very much, and it might get confusing. So, in that spirit, I've decided to come up with a name for her... and without further ado... I present Gemini.

So Gemini and I have been doing some fairly serious liking (at least I have...and I'm kinda hoping that she has as well.) The night before last (meaning Saturday) I helped Gemini move from her current abode (sticks) to her temporary abode (north sticks). There I got to meet wonderful 2 year old little brother, Walton, Gemini's Mom, Replica, Pradagal and Gemini's Dad. Not to mention Grumpy the five month old youngest brother. The first little bit I entertained Walton while Gemini and her Mom cleared space in the north sticks for all of Gemini and Scottish(Gemini's twin) stuff in the basement.

Walton is a great kid and I had a lot of fun entertaining him, but I felt kinda bad because Gemini and I being there disrupted him and Grumpy's sleeping schedule and they were up till all hours of the night. We finished moving all the stuff about at around 11:00. At which point Gemini's Mom had so kindly provided a drink for myself, which was very interesting. We then got to talk to Replica and Pradagal as well as Gmom and shortly Gdad, with Walton and Grumpy making a few visits in to check up on the action.

I love Gemini's family. It's the kind of family I've always wanted and never really had. Which is not to say that I do not have a wonderful family--for I do. It's just...more open, more non-Woodruffish. I liked Gdad immediately and hope to spend more time with the entire family. I really do like Gemini for all these very strange reasons. I counted the other day, how many times I randomly thought of her. It was a large number that I'm almost embarrassed to think about. I already miss my 7:00 shift. The day just isn't the same when you don't start it off with a talk from last general conference. I should be getting my promotion next Monday, I want to go hiking after Finals and I need to crack down and actually study for a few of them.

Life is good, and I am content, which is more than I can say for myself in many months. Gemini has been a good influence on me. Until next time.

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Confirmed

Plans did in fact actually mean a date. I hate being right.

Why do the good ones take so much work?

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Plans

To answer Theric's question, I served in Fort Worth, Texas. Where it was often windy, my favorite experience was when our town was struck by a tornado. My companion and I went out and stood in the wind lashed rain, so strong you had to bend near to half horizonal or fall down, and then when the wind shifted direction, you'd fall to the ground and into a massive puddle that collected on everything due to the sheer amount of rain coming down. Yes, that was a good day.

I asked her out again today. She said no this time, but she give a reason (well...a good reason) she said she had, "Plans." And she texted me. Sometimes I hate the way communication works. I don't think girls understand what plans means to a guy. Plans means: I have a date with someone else. That's the only reason NOT to tell you what you're doing instead. But I don't get it, she claims to be anti-social, she askes me to go to lunch with her...all sorts of positive signs and then: Plans. Please give me something more, family plans, I have to work, ANYTHING but just plain plans. I think I'd rather hear, "A friend already asked me to go do something with him." than "plans." What a horrid phrase.

I don't understand girls, I don't understand myself sometimes, but I know I never understand girls. Myself I have this feeling that sooner or later things will work out an dI"ll figure out why I feel this, and why I feel that. But with girls there doesn't seem to be any logic, it's just...blech. Nothing, to go off of one thing means something and another means the same, but the first no longer means the second and the second means less than it did. The rules change before you figure them out and so you're perpetually two turns behind. When you do think you have a break...plans. Maybe I'll just go camping this weekend.

-Cameron

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