Musings on Desire

Today was a wonderfully non-productive day. I woke up, and played some video games, something I've not done in a long, long time, which is strange 'cause I used to play them all the time... But now I have a new addiction, chatting. It's really quite disgusting how much time I wasted chatting today. I started talking to A., who is a coworker of mine, at 2 and didn't stop until about 11 o'clock, when A.'s shift ended. In the middle of that I talked to a few other people, and I did do a little bit of work on the paper I've been trying to work on forever.

It seems as though I've been having some very strange conversations as of late. Particularly with A. I suppose that's to be expected in a 9 hour conversation. One of the things we talked about was individual self worth. A. Is one of the most spectacular people I've ever met. Werf is attractive to the opposite gender, very bright, funny, etc. All around one of the coolest personages that I know. But Werf has a huge problem with self-esteem. When asked if Werf, okay, I'm getting sick of saying werf, When I asked her if she liked herself she said no. I asked her why and the response was, "Because I can always do better."

Now, I'm a fairly bright chap, but I've never truly had any challenges that I consider difficult. Sure there is the depression, but the meds have done wonders for that and it hardly affects me anymore. However, I daresay that if given a huge trial to overcome I would simply turn and walk the other direction. I'm one that will usually take the path of least resistance. Sad, but true. I often wonder what I could be if I were to apply myself as much as A. Does to my school work, my employment, my friendships, anything. I feel very decadent. This of course may only be compounded by the fact that I accomplished absolutely nothing that I had set out to do today. I really need to start writing lists for myself again. I was so much more effective when I did that.

I wonder if it is possible to overcome laziness. You look in the scriptures and you see all of these examples of people who worked so hard for everything that they accomplished. You see those examples in real life as well. What makes these people tick? How do I acquire that...drive for the upper echelon of humanity? My favorite movies all involve people who have that drive, Gattaca, Rudy, October Sky. These are all movies where the main character has to overcome something...beyond themselves. Why? Why am I drawn to that type of person? How do you become that type of person? I know it's not going to be an overnight thing, and I suppose it all starts with a few steps here and a few steps there, but taking those steps seem soo hard and they don't appear to get any better in the future. It's strange, I'm a Red personality type, but I'm so lazy, I've never seen that as one of the characteristics of a Red. I was once asked: "If you could ask Jesus Christ one thing, what would it be?" My answer was, without even thinking, "How do you become someone with desire?" I feel like a child, whose attention span is only long enough to the acquiring of what is in sight, and once out of sight, it leaves me.

How I envy the desire of Alma, the stability of Nephi, the courage of Captain Moroni. It's strange, how easy it is to talk about things here, I just pretend no one can read this, as I expose all of my flaws and leave myself open for attack. The strange thing is...that I don't care.

Read more...

True Honesty

You know, as I've been thinking about this and what it means to me, I've wondered about a lot of things. Why do I write these? Is it because I want someone to see it and think, "WOW!" Or is it because I want to sort out my thoughts? Well, as I'm in a habit of trying to keep myself honest by revealing the truth to all who seek... I've decided to make this more of a personal mind exploration forum. So sit back and enjoy the ride. Welcome to my thoughts.

These past few days I've been wondering a lot about the meaning of life and why I do the things I do. Today I was talking to H and I made an offhand comment about only drunks appreciating cricket. She asked if I was drunk often. I said no, and she made a comment that it seemed out of character for me to do such a thing. Well, it got me thinking, what is my character? What is the me that people see? That on top of the pondering why I do things has got me doing some heavy thinking. I'm going to try and say why I do things...and then I'll ponder what other people see me as.

Why do I do things? Why do I go to church? Go to school? Date? Talk to people? Read books, write papers, hang out with friends, watch movies, listen to music? As for church, I think I have to, sadly, admit that I do it because it's partly habit. But mostly I go because I like how I feel when I'm there, I enjoy the friendshiping, I enjoy the friendly faces, I enjoy who I am, and I enjoy the spirit that is in me. I know I should be going to church because I love it...because I love the Lord, etc. But love is a hard thing for me to grasp. I don't understand it at all. Another reason for Valentines day to be an interesting holiday for me. I don't understand what it is that makes a group of people sacrifice so much for someone else.

I feel a little caloused, but I don't think I love anyone. Including myself. I try to love, I try to do the things that people that care would do. I have gotten fairly good at it...but deep down I know it's all just a fraud. I'm really not this good person that everyone thinks I am, I'm really not that smart, I'm really not that sanctimonious. I'm just trying to be the best I can. I suppose you could say that I'm trying to walk where Jesus walked, except I don't think about him nearly as much as I should. Or really need to in order to make that claim.

I do not think the same claim could be made of me as was made of one of my favorite men to have graced this earth, Neal A. Maxwell. He always lived tryed to be a disciple of The Christ. To walk as he walked, but he was much better at it than I am. But I am trying.

That leads into the next subject, what do other people see me as? I'm not sure, I know what I see myself as....and I have a hard time imagining someone who could see me as anything other than mediocre. What image do I present the world? Is that image the me I really am? Or am I the one I think I am? Are they just pretensions towards doing what a Christan should do, or are they the real desires of my heart made manifest? How do you do it? How does everyone else manage to get along fairly well, but I can't hardly tie my shoes without falling on my face?

Read more...

Singles Awareness Day

I hate singles awareness day.

Everything about it just irks the heck out of me.

Why? Why does this stupid holiday have to exist? I mean, really, why do people need an excuse to parade their dating status to all the world? Does it really matter? I mean, just freaking call it Valentines Day. All that runs through everyone's mind when you say, "Singles Awareness Day" is: "Oh gosh, yet ANOTHER person who is bitter over the fact that they are so inept at courting the opposite sex that you are trying to bring down everyone else that has managed to win the battle of ages and acquire a date for the infamous 14th of Febuary."

I mean, really it's just a clarion call of carelessly concealed envy. You are so entraped in your own bitterness that you fail to realize that it doesn't really matter. So why try to make everyone else depressed/guilty because of your own failings?

So, that is why I hate Singles Awareness Day.

And yes, I am single, so just call it Valentines Day and, "Glory in the success of [your] brethern."

Read more...

Contrast

Alright, well I've been thinking about this for a bit now and finally decided to give it a whirl. So here go the concepts: behind contrast, bait and hooks, the grenade hopper, and group-play.

As we all know contrast means: To set in opposition in order to show or emphasize differences. We are going to talk about contrast as it applies to dating and group dynamics.

Grenade hoppers are those individuals who jump on grenades in fox holes, saving the lives of all the rest.

Bait and hooks are instruments used in fishing to allow you to...well catch fish.

Disclaimer: Okay, this is generally used by girls more than it is used by guys and the ideas contained here-in are only still in proto development. Also, while it is a common occurrence, it is not always the case, and should only be taken as a general rule.

Let me tell a story. One day some buds and I were driving down the road just cruzing and enjoying each other's company. Well, we pull up to a stop sign and look over, sure enough there's a car full of girls that are doing exactly the same thing we are. We drag a few lights and then pull off into a gas station together to grab some slushies.

Well, somehow we manage to arrange to meet at a different location to watch a movie, as we climb back into our cars...we realize it. In a desperate attempt to survive the night I shout, "Not it!" To which is followed, four other "not it's" but one was just too late, and we all laugh and punch his arm. He has become tonight's lucky grenade hopper.

We proceed to the location and after the first five to ten minutes we've managed to select tonight's target and move in for the kill, each of us have been jockeying for the attention of Veronica. Chris the grenade hopper has moved in for his kill on Jessica. And the rest have managed to accept defeat over Veronica and have moved on to less attractive pastures. We'll say for sake of argument that I acquired Veronica. The night progresses a few date switches occur but nothing major, Veronica is still mine and Chris and Jessica are still together.

Why? What is it about the group that causes the need for a grenade hopper? Well, groups of girls are organized in such a way as to require the hopper. You see, each group of girls consists of three archetypes. The first, the highest, the best is the bait and hook. She is the girl that baits the group of guys, and then hooks them and brings the rest of the girls the catch. Now, why you might ask does the bait and hook hang out with lesser girls? Simple, contrast. Contrast is the girl that is vastly lower than the bait and hook; she is there to make the rest of the girls look better. The rest of the girls? They are the average (mean) members of the group.

What does everyone get out of this? The B&H gets her choice of the guys, the contrast gets a guy of higher quality than she could acquire on her own and the means get something in the middle. Why does this work? Because girls work in Compare/Contrast.

Men, on the other hand, use what is called group-play. Each member of the group is roughly equal (aside from the Alpha, but he usually isn't quite the discrepancy that the B&H is.) and they play off of each other to make the rest look good, cracking jokes, telling stories about the time they did ____ together. Basically we're there to sell the rest of the guys to the girls. It works great for everyone involved. Men will usually trade off being the grenade hopper so that no one gets the contrast too often.

Now you may say, "Well that isn't fair to the contrast!" But I say no, she's picked her spot, the ugly friend. If she wanted to she could hang out with girls of her own, or lesser "value," and become the mean, or even the B&H. The means could do the same, and the B&H could always move up and be the mean or even the contrast. But they've chosen there place in the group and they play it faithfully.

Now, to make me not sound incredibly shallow. Note that the B&H and the contrast are both switchable positions. In fact, the bait and the hook can be two different people, one to catch the eye and the other to bring it home with her personality. And contrast can only go surface deep, and be an awesome girl on the interior where the Bait may become contrast in mental categories. Either way, I've found that this system strangely seems to hold in place. Questions? Comments? Rude Remarks? Good, I can always use help refining my ideas.

Read more...

Visiting the Graves

Lately I haven't been doing too hot with some of the things I've been commanded to do. Not anything serious for most, but it's something I was told to do at least 7 times in my Partiarchal blessing. So, why haven't I been doing it? Because it takes time, and that is time I like to spend on other things. So I've been feeling kinda guilty about that, but it all came to a head today in Sacarament meeting.

Today was, of course, fast and testimony meeting. And during the course of the meeting I began to feel really, really uncomfortable. Well, the thought continued to plague me and as soon as I could I left. Hoping no one would look, talk to, or see me. As I left church I started driving. When I finally came to a stop I was in a place I'd never been before. Somehow I'd managed to park in the middle of one of the local cemetaries. I got out of my car and started to walk up and down between the grave stones.

At first I was amazed at how illkept they were, covered in leaves with deer droppings all over the place, but as I started to clean off grave stones I noticed the seeming injustice of life. A couple, married for 80 years, have their gravestone right next to three children, none of which lived to see their first birthday. The heartache that must have been in those parents eyes as they stood there to bury their infant and they looked over and saw someone else who had lived a long and happy life. Did they wonder why it had been their child? Why did God have to take their precious little boy? Where is the justice in taking the young?

As I kept walking I came to several other grave sites that caught my attention. One, was a 14 year old boy, with a caption similar to this: Think of me, when there is snow in big cottonwood canyon, and the sun rests on the slopes of Rock Canyon. And know this, that I am free. Another, on two girls who shared the same gravestone. July 1982 - June 1983, her sister, August 1983 - August 1983. Imagine how those parents felt... The last, was a military grave. He was 20 when he died. A sargent in the 7th infantry, he died in World War II.

As I saw these people, young men and women that could have been my friends, or people who gave their life defending the right I had to have friends. I wondered what I was doing with my life? Why was it so hard for me to give twenty minutes a day to the Lord? Is the time he is giving me really worth it? Shouldn't one of these had had that chance to live? Wouldn't they have done more with it? And the tears came, I'm not sure what I did to deserve it, but I need to make the most of what I've been given.

Read more...

Gas, Guts & Grandpa

Well, today's been quite the day. It started first thing. When I left to go to school. I noticed that I was on 1/10th of a tank left of gas. Not nearly enough to get me around for the day. So...I decided to go get some...but all I had were eight quarters and a few dimes. So I pump my two dollars and sixty cents of gas into my car and cruise on up to the teller to pay. She looks at me, dressed in my suit and freezing my little hinie off and handing her 2.60 cents worth of change... and just starts laughing.

Okay, I can handle that.

Then I go to school. Did you know that if you drive slow so as to conserve gas at 7:30 in the morning people get mad at you? Plus...you get mad 'cause well, you're driving slow, and it just irks you that the guy in the 67 pinto beat you off the line. Or that the Mom with eight kids in a minivan has a greater top speed than you. Yeah, I hate driving slow.

First class is alright...except that I have this amazing ability to not allow girls to sit next to me. I'll be the first into a class room, look around, take a prime seat and wait...Sure enough not 30 seconds later some guy will come and sit down next to me...there are at least four rows with no one in them, and he sits in the chair RIGHT NEXT to me. What's up? I guess that's better than the...no one sits next to you one. Then you start questioning your breath, your B.O. meter...you wonder if you have an ugly shirt on that makes everyone think they will be thought less of for sitting next to you...Yeah, that bites.

Then it was off to my Career Explorations class...blah! We got to be in the library today, and the lady told us all about how neat the discover program as...for forty freaking minutes. Yes people I know how to find a cursed link! You don't need to show me four different ways to find the same webpage.

Then...and this I hesitate to talk about...but I got to visit a psychologist today. Something that most people don't know about me is that I actually should still be on a mission. Now, don't get me wrong. I still go to BYU and came home honorably. But deep down I feel like I copped out. I should have come home next Thursday(10th) so if I post one really angst filled blog that day...you'll know why. Anyway, I talked to the psych. who basically tried to convince me that who I am is not dependant upon what I do, yes I know this...but how do you get yourself to believe it? The session ran over time. Which made me late for the next treasure of this wonderful day's activities.

My Rating Session. Yes, I applied to work at the MTC, I loved missionary work...I loved teaching anyway and it's just about the only thing that kept me going...and I want to teach again. Something TO said comes to mind though...this is faaar too well read for me to post indiscriminately. So, yeah, it was a good experience and I loved feeling the spirit of that campus again. It made me warm.

Next of course, was Japanese. By this point in time I've gotten sick of people asking me why I'm dressed up and I started giving them all sorts of different reasons, "Gotta look good when you take over the world, what would the press think?" "Well, I wanted to pull one of those superman tricks..and you really need a button up shirt for that...wana see?" One that I thought about using...but which seems just a little too close to home..."My grandma died." My grandpa isn't doing so hot, he's loosing the skirmish of life. 40 years of diabetes, and two years of some mental problems. We're all kinda just waiting for him to go. It's his time.

Wow, this has taken a distinctively more...serious twist. On the plus side I got to talk to the Smurfs for a bit on IM today. That was awesome, excited for tomorrow night. I guess the question of the day is...do most people have days where everything just seems like it would make an awesome story? I mean...It just seems like life is full of characters that are just waiting to be put into the pen and paper of immortalized fiction. Very, Chaucer like. Anyway, Sayonara.

Read more...

AAA: Asmond and Attraction

Well, because of the many(okay…three) comments I’ve had on this, I decided to answer a few questions about what I’m looking for in an eternal companion. I’ve decided to break this up into two basic groups, Physical and Mental. Which will each then be broken down into a couple of sub categories. I have a feeling this is going to be a long post…so grab a cup of hot chocolate and a bagel, sit back, relax and soak it up.

Physical: This is first because…well it’s the first thing that attracts you to a girl, ya?

Hair, Okay, first thing I notice is hair. Hair is a beautiful thing but only when it’s still on the head. If it is on anything else…like a coat, or a shirt, EWWWWW. I hate that. Many a time I’ve thought I’d be slapped because I was pulling hair off of girls and the felt it. Ewww… just please…keep the hair off, for all that is good and holy. Uhm…moving on.

First off, hair always has to be neat. Now this is going to become a common theme of the physical nature, because…neat girls are just waa(enough A’s? Nope.)..aaaa(how about now? Nope)….aaaa(Now? Yes)ay more attractive. Greasy hair or hair that doesn’t look like it’s been brushed in months is just nasty. This applies to both straight and curly hair. Although I have to admit I much prefer the straight hair. Perhaps it’s the fact that my sisters all have curly hair, but straight hair is generally better looking.

Hair is also ranked by color and here we go: 1. Dark Red. 2. Strawberry Blonde. 3. Dark Brown, the almost black color. 4. White blonde (yes, I know it’s fake…but it still looks good.) 5. Regular Brown. 6. Orange (aka flame red). 7. Sandy Blonde. 8. Regular Blonde.

Clothes: Hum, where do I begin? Skirts. GOSH! Girls if you knew what skirts did to guys…*starts to drool* Yes, they are nice…very nice. However there are some rules to follow with skirts. A. Slits, Front Slits: those just can’t be fun for girls to wear, really, they can’t be. You have to keep pulling them together to prevent skirt abuse. Side slits: No higher than just above the knee. B. Length, BYU standards apply, I really don’t want to see your thighs. C. Material, none of that black stretchy stuff, whatever it is…it’s not good.

While we’re on the lower half, pants, capris and shorts. Pants, good. Capris, bad. Shorts, depends.

Above the belt line, it really doesn’t matter so long as it’s not immodest; I rather enjoy the knit sweaters but not the ones with the funky neck folds. Those are just weird. Not too formfitting but that should go without saying in everything I’m talking about. I really hate the belly/back gaps… particularly the back gap, just don’t do it. Not really sure where to put this so this’ll work as it is something you put on. Perfume, wow, yeah, use it.

Other features, these are mostly things you can’t really affect. But if you have a nice one it’s always a plus. Smile, eyes, face, hands, neck…yeah and just about every other body part. If they’re nice…I like ‘em? But that’s fairly obvious…so uhm…yeah…I’m cool!
Well, this has been long enough so I’m going to cut it short and do the personality/mentality later. To sum it all, I like elegance, neatness; the girls who look competent. Not a fan of the fads, nor of the skater look. Yeah, so I’m going to cut this short, I’m not looking to get married any time in the near future and that’s why I date the freshman…anyone else might be looking for something…*narrows his eyes and glares*

Read more...