Given the chance, I'd fall again.

When I first started this blog I added questions to every post, and those questions were more or less rhetorical. I've gotten out of the habit, and I think I'd like to start that up again, so here goes.

If it never goes any further than it has, will I be okay with that?

Today I came face to face with the realization that it might not. I might not be able to defeat the ghost, I might not stave off my wanderlust long enough. I might not be a classy enough guy for her. There are a lot of things that may go wrong.

There is a saying, trite beyond compare really, "Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved." It's true though, I'm a fan of falling, of getting in over your head and then... dealing with it. I've discovered something as I've tried to do that, the more I do it, the easier it is to give of myself and the easier it is to heal afterward. Love, like any muscle, needs exercise. Our souls are made to love, that is part of the design, we just have to get our minds out of the way long enough for the eternal font of life to shine through us.

Yes, it hurts. But the pain is small, you went all in and God respects that, he rewards you for your effort. I won't ever regret this, but I do regret hurting you, I shouldn't have responded the way I did. I should have been stronger, I am so sorry that my weakness was a source of your pain.

No one is perfect, me less so than most it seems, you didn't do anything wrong.

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Walking away (rough draft)

Walking away, just for a moment.
Gives the whispers a chance,
To tell me all the things I fight,
to fill me with the lies I refuse to believe.

Knowing that I soon must stand,
I wonder what strength I have.
Will tonight be when the resistance ends?
Or will Key still have something to write.

Turning away isn't possible.
All that's left is to hold on,
Till the fingers bleed
till the arms burn.

Where does the dreaming end?
And waking begin? When your
whole life is a nightmare
does reality even matter?

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Notice

Because I promised.

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The ocean

There is a craving in my blood, for oceans and waves and sand. I feel like nothing is complete without them. I need to get out of this state.

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Ruminations 9/21

It's probably time for a real post here... one that isn't esoteric and really short. It has been an interesting last couple of weeks. The ride has been good. Most of my stress lately has been revolving around attempting to find a job. I don't think I even realized how draining it has been.

I have an interview tomorrow, I'm somewhat terrified of it, both if I get it and if I don't.

It's a long way away from home, and I have no transportation really since Gusto died. Things are complicated on the relationship front, and I don't really see them settling down anytime in the near future. I'm having mixed concerns with my new ward, and the way that they run things. Particularly my part in it. I feel like I know a lot of the people here, but don't really do anything with them. Being out of school puts me in a strange loop outside of the norm.

Today we had a lesson about how God gives us all our talents, and how we are ungrateful when we do not give all the credit to him for the things we accomplish. I thought at the same time, how we must also be grateful to the Father for all the weaknesses we have, for they are opportunities to grow. They are things he has trusted that we would be able to deal with, and it's not like he makes us deal with them alone enough. They are how we remember his love, and how we feel it most powerfully.

I don't often say thank you for the things that I struggle with, but maybe I should. Maybe I should be grateful he picked out for me a collection of tests designed to help me grow.

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No further

From this point onward, I will be stronger. There will be no more instances of this failure.

This is my oath, to the wind. Until the shields are under me or the laurels become my right.

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Chooseing the Right

Is it right? What I'm doing...
Or is it just what I want?

How can I tell?

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Changes

There have been a lot of changes here lately... and it's likely that there will be some more. I'll be going through and adding labels to all my posts for one, and the advertisements on the side for another, I don't really expect to make any money off of the thing, but it couldn't hurt!

Still looking for a job, still trying to figure myself out. Someday I'll get one of those two probably, hopefully both of them. I should go and read my scriptures instead of sitting here updating, but it's a whole lot easier to deal with this than with God. I know... I'm coming.

Also, I'm starting up a new blog full of information that I'm not really certain I want everyone to have, if your name is Eric, Krystal or Sarah you could probably get that blog address/permission to see it, otherwise... you probably can't. Email or facebook.

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June 27th

Sleep has fled before mine eyes and left me a desolate pilgrim wresting the mysteries of the world into a thousand forgotten memories which dance before my eyes like motes of light, and in the dancing half become remembered.

Tonight, I felt like being sullen. So, I was for a little while, just had to get it out of my system. And now, it's time to be happy again.

Also, sometimes I just don't get it.

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Under Pressure

Ea reprimanded me for not posting, "as often as I check." So, I guess this means I need to write something.

I don't have a lot to say though... normally I write when I am feeling an excess of emotion that I am not finding acceptable methods of disclosure. However this hasn't been the case of late, and thus... I haven't felt the need to write.

So, travelog! I recently moved into my apartments here in the Milkyway. I have three really great room-mates, who I absolutely am going to love spending time with. We have been holding apartment scripture study, cleaning up after ourselves, etc. And while I realize this is still the Honeymoon stage of our apartment, I am hopeful for the future.

Mostly, lately I've just been incredibly grateful for the many blessings that I have in my life.

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