Confused

For the first time in a long time my emotions have gotten in the way of my mental capacity.

I do not know how to explain this feeling in my chest. I can't describe it as good or bad, I can't explain the cause of it, I can't even try and say things it is like. Because I simply don't know what words I would use.

If it had a color, the color would be muddy and gray, twisted and changing not storm like, too much brown and greens for a storm. But over all gray.

If it had a taste it would be mac and cheese with chili, and green beans, pizza and ice cream, some corn and a half a hot dog.

If it could be spelled, there would be a silent x, two l's but not together, a smattering of r's, a ph, but no fricatives.

I don't know where it comes from, I don't know how to get rid of it. All of my fixes have failed. I am at a loss as to what this is or how to fix it. I feel like a teenager again is this how what emotions feel like? I don't remember this sort of semi-pain. I only call it pain because that is the closest thing to it that I have a word for. I have begun to feel again, but I don't know how to deal with this I don't want to shut it away I want to sort it out but I have no idea how to do that. I think I would like to cry. That somehow weeping would get rid of this... mass in my chest.

How I want to weep. To curl up into a ball and wear myself out in crying. To squeeze this thing out of me like a towel until it has dripped away and left me dry and sane again. How do you cry?