Post 193

>> Sunday, April 05, 2009

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how bad I am at this whole life thing. I don't mean to say that I do life badly, but rather that I don't really possess the skills needed to function in life. I simply don't handle life the way that the world wants me to. Because of my depression I can't do things like School, or a 'real' job. I am discovering that there is a delicate balance that I have to pull between those things that we do to sustain life and those things we do to make life worth living.

It just randomly posted that, so my apologies for anyone who read just a partial message.

These facts have become more evident to me this past semester when school got me to an 'overload' point, and then everything just shut down. I'm getting back to the point that I can function in society again... but it has been a costly meltdown. I will probably be asked to leave BYU after this semester. Probably for good. This means I'm going to need to go somewhere else, or get a real job. I think I could try UVSC, I know that several of my friends have said it is a much less competitive school. But I think that is sorta what I need in life.

I was watching, "Meet Joe Black" today, and I realized how unlike Bill I am. How I wish I were. People don't love me, I will never be the kind of person he was. I know people like that, and I envy them so much.

Oh god, have mercy on me. I am so tired of being like this. I just want to be free of it. I don't want to carry this burden any longer, it is too much for me. I wish I could say, "Not my will", but I can't. What can I do?

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