I wana talk about me, wanna talk about I, wanna talk about number one on my, me mind.

You know the last few days I've been trying to understand this sense of...pull that I seem to be afflicted with. It all started as I finished off my book on The Battle of Bata’ an (the first major conflict in the Pacific after Pearl Harbor) I was sitting in the courtyard of the JSFB on the fountain feeling spectacularly uncomfortable with my rather bony body on the hard marble, and fighting off nature's call (a direct result of the running water just next to me I'm sure), just as the book began it's retelling of the last few days of the US military on Bata’ an. Just at that moment the national anthem was broadcast over the PA system.

Something stirred in my heart and I came to the realization that this song meant more to me than I usually give it credit for. It means that I'm willing to put with discomforts for other people, which I'm willing to do anything I can so that others might have that sense of amazing freedom that opened up in my soul that day. I’ve been incredibly blessed, I have enough food, I don’t have to fight to survive, I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, I believe in the Book of Mormon and modern revelation, I have a family that loves me, I have wonderful friends that care about me.

So why do I feel so unfulfilled in life?

I wish I could discover what it is that other people think about me…I really just don’t understand. What is it that people enjoy about other people? For example, there is currently a girl that I absolutely love talking to, she is funny and she shoots me down about as much as I bounce back, which is fine because I don’t mind being shot down except when I’m being serious (which isn’t very often) and most people I think just get offended by what I say…but this girl just rolls with the punches if you will. We have similar interests, all that other junk…but I know that this isn’t something that could develop into something more than just that… And I really don’t know if she even enjoys my company as much as I enjoy hers, heck I don’t know anything anymore.

Before this summer…maybe even so far back as before my mission I felt like I was at least in partial control of my life. I feel like a part of me is missing some quickening influence in my life is gone. And I miss it. I’m not as smart as I was, not as caring, not as good a friend. I just don’t know how to handle this…so what do I do? I try to work harder I try to be the person I was but it just isn’t there anymore. I feel like I’ve had a piece of me ripped off and I have this hole…just sitting there and I have no way to fill it. I don’t even know what it is that I’m missing. All I want is to stop having so many insecurities around me, to stop having to worry if they want to be my friend or not. I just want life to be normal again, I want it…

The word I was said far too much in the past few paragraphs. Maybe that is the problem; my life has become focused on me. God help me, I don’t have the strength for this one.

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French Bashing

Gargh, I just posted a wonderfully long post....and I apparently wasn't logged in and lost it. To the last edge of oblivion to you blogger! I will now attempt to recreate.

In an effort to find some sort of meaningful world accomplishment of the French I went in search of some sort of good thing I could bring up in parties...you know something that I could use to make those French people feel at ease and well liked in America since they obviously saw the error of their ways and are now...here.

So in accordance with this my desire I retired to a grove of trees near my home that I might offer up...whoops sorry. So I went looking. I would like you to join me in the steps that led to my renewed appreciation of French life. First stop? Google. Next step? Type in, "French Military Victories." Now simply click the, "I'm feeling lucky!" button and you will see the same beautiful result that met my eyes. Click the link. You will discover a treatise on French military efforts for the past two millennia. I do so hope you enjoy.

Of particular import I'd like to mention the two basic laws of French warfare:

Rule 1: French forces can only be victorious when led by non-French leaders. (Attributed to Joan of Ark, who was sainted for her discovery)
Rule 2: French forces can only win a war when America does most of the Fighting. (Attributed to the result of the American Revolution, but can be epitomized in both world wars, panama and Korea.)

Also a wonderful jab at the Maginot line. Ahh such wonders to the avid French lover like myself.

In other news: I consumed 4 kilos of chocolate and 1.75 gallons of ice cream over the weekend. I'm likely to get a headache. The reason? I've given up on SHE for good this time. I need something more out of life, but still I think I'll go eat some more chocolate and throw myself into my studies, something that has been suffering for the past few weeks. Nevermore!

--Asmond

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Complete Control

I my dreams I have complete control over what happens. If someone does something that I don't want them too I simply rewind the dream and prest-o magic-o I have myself a new ending to the story. I'm actually going to say that that is the case in MOST of my dreams, every now and again I get a dream where I can't control, these are RARE. Think one every two years or so. Well, these dreams have very strange...results in my life.

You see most of the time I feel like I am at least moderatly in control of the world around me, I can judge people well enough that if they don't act the way I want them too, I can at least perdict how they are going to act. That gives me a sense of being in control. However, when these dreams come around they are usually followed by periods of intense inability to think straight, to perdict the world around me, or remember things that I should be able to remember. Which in turn makes me feel even more powerless(strange terms we have there), and more on edge.

So, as I slowly circle around in this spiraling vortex of doom I wonder to myself if I will ever accomplish anything that will get me out, if I will ever be in control again?

That's when I turn and rest more heavily upon God. I need him to get me out of this, and he is there to help me when I need it.

On a side note, as I was walking into the WSC today I thought to myself, "I wonder if John is going to be in there today." Not really thinking--John, you see, is my cousin that died just before school ended last semester--but then as I waited to hear his laugh, I sat near an old friend. She had been in his ward when he died, and she brought him up, and then his almost fiancee sat down next to me. I wondered if she remembered me, if she realized that by coming to lunch today she would be reminded of the things that could have meant so much.

And as I sat and wondered, another old friend from HS came and talking to him, I discovered that... Indeed he was a father. Not JUST married, but a father. I felt old, I felt really old. So I am going to do the only rational thing a person in my position can do. I'm going to go for a nice long walk and then I'm going to go buy some ice cream and I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat almost all of it, and while I'm at it I might just buy some Cinimon Bears and chocolate milk. Maybe some chocolate. Because nothing says, You're in control of life like consuming mass amounts of sugar.

-Asmond

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Random

Some kinda random things that I've been thinking about lately...

"Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks."
"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
"Breathes there a man with soul so dead, who never to himself hath said, "This is mine own, my native land."...doubly dying will go down, into the vile dust from whence he came, unwept, unhonored and unsung."
"Should we not kneel down and scooping the precious substnace to our lips, partake as if famished?"
"What are you about?"
"Who are you supposed to be?"
"Everything is relative, there are no absolutes."
"And we are here as on a darkening plain, Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight, where ignorant armies clash by night."
"What is something you care about, so that we can tease you back."

-Asmond

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Maybe not

Maybe I cannot be Asmond anymore.
Maybe I was meant to be crooked nose.

You see I was doing some research into name meanings, and I discovered that Asmond is probably a mutation of a word that means "Devine Protector." Which as SHE once told me, is the goal that I want to have in life. I want to save everyone from the pain that they feel. I want to save everyone else, but I can't seem to save myself. I'm stuck being crooked nose for the rest of my life. I cannot be Asmond beyond the realm of the digits that make up the electronic world. So I'm forced to live with crooked nose.

What does that mean? Well, it means that maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am, maybe I'm not as good at helping people as I need to be, maybe I'm not as wise as I should be, maybe I'm not as _____ fill in the blank with attribute of godliness as I need to be.

As I need to be...what the Hades does that mean? What do I think I am? What do I need to be? Do I need to be superman? Is that what God needs me to be? Does God need me to be anything? No. Is it what God wants me to be? I'm not sure. I don't think he wants me to be Clark Kent, that I know for sure. But Superman? Does he want me to be superman?

Can I BE superman? Can I be Asmond? Can I be good enough for anyone to want to be around me? Does anyone want to be around Superman? Too many questions, too many things that I just haven't figured out just yet. Am I supposed to have them figured out? Maybe not. Maybe I'm just here to be Crooked Nose, to let Alexander have his part and Crooked Nose his. Maybe, maybe not.

-Asmond

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Unwanted Blessings

I've been tossing this idea around for a while, and can't really figure out what to call it. Let me explain my predicament.

These past few weeks I've been complaining about a lot of things, and it seems like every time I complain about something, God sends the smack down and gives me the thing I'm complaining about not having. Well, naturally I've been feeling fairly non-appreciative for all of the things that He has been giving me. So I've kinda named these blessings unwanted ones, because I think deep down I want to complain about them, and he just keeps blessing me so I have to find something else to complain about. Why is that? Why am I so determined to be unhappy that I refuse the joy that is staring me full dead in the eyes. Yeah, talk about a stupid little kid.

So, in light of these things I've been kind of keeping a mental list of the unexpected great things that happen in life.

I ate a cookie, and was complaining in my head about how dry it was. SHE offered me a glass of milk.
I was whining about my romantic life, SHE showed up at my house.
I was worried about money issues, BYU is giving me 350 dollars.
I complained about walking everywhere, my parents paid to have my car fixed.
I whined about not having anyone I could trust with things, he gave me someone I wanted to trust.
I wanted to be able to serve people but not be seen, I got a calling as a ward clerk.
I felt disconnected with my family, both of the twins called me and asked to do things with me.
I was feeling depressed and unloved, Wiggle called and forced me to go do something with my life. Random people in my ward asked why I hadn't come and visited them recently, several of them. A girl told me that my looks were 'more on the beneficial side,' and that when I smiled it, 'lit up my whole face.'

Countless others that I wish I could remember but can't. I guess the thing that I'm so happy about is the fact that God knows who I am and is giving me the things I need (which I think right now are really the things I need and not only the things I want) I'm not really sure what he has in store for me, I know these blessings aren't going to come forever, but I'm enjoying them while they are here and maybe I'll learn to appreciate them even when they're gone and I'm given real challenges again.

But in the mean time, I'd like to thank all of the people out there who have played a role in helping me feel better, you are Gods angels' for me, and I hope you know how much I love and esteem you for it. I hope someday I'll be able to do the same for you.

-Asmond

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An Elaboration of the Past

Well, the past few days I've been leaving random really cryptic posts on my blog. I've determined that it is time to explain why, to hades with who reads this, I've always written it for myself anyway and I NEED TO DO THIS. Otherwise I'll never really understand what's happening and I'll go crazy.

Tuesday, I met an amazing girl. Attractive, funny, etc., etc., all of the things you could ever ask for in a woman rolled into an amazing little blonde package. Well, I determined that I would ask her on a date and see if lAFS(like at first sight) was all it was cracked up to be. So I do, I ask her to go on a walk with me, she agrees and we make the needed arraignments for later that night. We went for the walk, had Ruby Thai's and I decided that lAFS was amazing, really just enjoyed the night, and was even more fully amazed at this girl. She seemed too good to be true--I guess that should be an indication. She climbed a tree for me, and we talked in it for a good long while, and then we watched the stars for a bit.

Thursday I went through the amazingly strange feeling in my stomach that I guess normal people associate with crushes, Yeah, I guess that's what it was. Anyway, I figured out an excuse to go and visit her and see her. The stomach flips went away for the night.

Friday: I had asked SHE if she would like to go up to a concert on Temple Square with me. She agreed. So we went. I made wonderfully yummy fajita's--which I finished right before starting this post--for dinner and we headed up to SLC with my roomie and his friend. We get there and things are going...so-so, not as great as I could have hoped for, but not bad. Well, we get into the concert after a minimum of hassel and we start listening to the music.

Let me explain a little bit about me and classical music. I had been expecting this to be a concert of bells...whatever that is, not classical music in my head. It wasn't. During my really depressed days I listened to classical music and showtune music(les mis and phantom), a lot. It came to depict the sadness that was inside of me in my head. Something only enhanced when I listen to it live. I thought I'd gotten over my past depression...but this music seems to be a key that connects the dark past with the present, and thus I avoid it generally.

Well, there I was stuck, I couldn't just walk out now, I had to listen to it. But I thought I could do it. A very nice piano piece that I enjoyed, then a trumpet piece which was alright... Well, it started going down hill from there, I don't want to say that the images came back to me, but I started getting those feelings that I'd had years before, and it was only 8 or 9 pieces into the concert. I knew I was in trouble, but I still couldn't leave. Then the Tennor started singing. He sang some song in another language and then, he sang the one from Les Mis that I posted earlier. It was the straw that broke the back, I couldn't handle it anymore, I had to leave. So I ran.

I ran to the restroom, and there all of the emotions that I'd kept bottled for so many years overwhelmed me. I felt dirty, I felt worthless. The scripture that always seems to come to mind in times like this came: "Who shall ascend to the mount of the Lord? He who hath clean hands and a pure heart." Well, I can't do anything about my heart, but I can clean my hands, so I washed them about nine times and drying them, still feeling filthy, go back. I see the granite that was hewn to form the temple and I just can't handle it. Those are clean hands, mine are still filthy, and I'll never have the faith, the hope the peace that they have. I'll never amount to the same things that these men did. I will never mean anything.

I go back to the concert and listen to the last few pieces. We then leave, SHE realizes something is wrong when I don't speak to answer her questions, she tries to cheer me up. Something that never works. Except that this time it did. I actually felt better. Then the night was over and I was left to the memories once again. But this time, SHE wasn't there to fix it, and I gave in.

The last few days those memories have haunted my waking thoughts, the lurk beneath my lids when I try to sleep. They are slowly eating away at my soul. Well, I can't handle it anymore, I already called uncle, but it didn't work, they are still there. No one can fix this, no one on Earth, and so I must now turn to he who suffered these things for me. I'm going to end this soon, I need to sleep tonight and I need Him before I close my eyes.

So, I've given up on SHE for now, I need Him before I can hope for a relationship and I can't live with these memories unless someone is there to take them from me permanetly. I'm really going to say uncle this time. But I'm going to say it to the right person.

That is all for now, may your sleep be peaceful and your joys full.

-Asmond

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Bring him home,
Les Miserables

God on high, hear my prayer.
In my need you have always been there.
He is young, he's afraid.
Let him rest, Heaven blessed.
Bring him home.
Bring him home.
Bring him home.

He's like the son I might have known
if God had granted me a son.
The summers die, one by one.
How soon they fly on and on.
And I am old and will be gone...

Bring him peace, bring him joy.
He is young. He is only a boy.
You can take. You can give.
Let him be. Let him live.
If I die, let me die.
Let him live.
Bring him home.
Bring him home.
Bring him home.

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The day

Cheetos.

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A conversation

"How am I supposed to do it I'm not ____ enough?"
"I don't."
"Then why give it to me?"
"So you could give it to me."
"I don't understand."
"I know."
"When will I?"
"When you give it to me."
"How?"
"Just do it until you understand."
"But...I can't, I'm not ____."
"I know, just do what you can and let me do the rest."
"I don't..."
"I know."

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Too much

How the heck do normal people do this?

-Asmond

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Prayers

A cry runs through the night,
"Father, I do not have the strength."
The silence whispers back,
Intangible caresses.
The heart once sealed is open,
The heart once safe can be broken.

"Forgive me my fears."
Horse voices in the dark.
A grimace to the world,
A smile unveiled.
The child held back-loosed,
The child held close.

Empty sobs breaking shafts of light,
"Help me remember."
A soul on the gusts of time,
Seeking hope long forgotten.
The mind set afire by a thought,
The mind set on a course.

"I will do, I will go, I will be."

-Asmond

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Anon. Comments and a Picture

Due to a large influx of spam comments on my blog I have disabled anon comments. I appologize to the anon who thinks I'm the greatest and would like to marry me. You'll just have to give me your name. On a side and somewhat related note: I have determined to post a picture of myself. However it is going to be on my Blue-Beta avatar. That way only those to whom I have a small possibility of knowing will see it. Also I have updated the links to blogs that I actually read on a frequent basis if you'd like yours added on...mail me and I'll read it. :) Asmondw@hotmail.com

Enjoy!

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Smile now, Cry later

Today I stated that I was orange.

Which is true...I suppose. I just often feel as though I live in a world where the real me hides behind the orange mask of me. On my mission I talked to a gentleman whom had fallen away from the church and had tattoos all over his body. One in particular caught my attention. It was that of a clown, split down the center. On one side the laughing smiling face that the clown must show to the public. The other, a crying frowning clown that was the face he showed no one. Now of course in his case this was a representation of a life of immediate gratification at the cost of future pain.

However I think it applies to myself. I have often-times called myself the Jester. Always the centre of attention but never really accepted as an equal among those whom I associate. The one to be called upon to entertain the one to send away when 'real' matters become the subject of thought.

I'm not sure where this is going... but I guess I'm just feeling as though I am missing out on some sort of vital life experience because I have managed to emotionally distance myself from people. Well, the problem there-in lies that I also distance myself from all emotion.

That includes the good ones. But recently as I've tried to recreate a sense of spiritual fervor but it's hard when you've voided emotion for so long. I want a relationship with God, because I want a relationship with those around me. I don't know how to open up my emotions to people. My thoughts yes...but I can't seem to share how I feel with them. Maybe it's a male thing. Maybe I just don't know what the heck to say because that bloody "Y" chromosome keeps getting in the way. But I think not. When I read the scriptures lately I keep getting this feeling of longing.

Not from my side of the pages but from HIS. He wants me to come to him, he wants me to give him my problems, he wants it more than I want to give it to him. But I can't. I've been trying cry for weeks. The things that I've gone through need tears, but I can't give them. I can't break the walls I've built around my feelings. I've come close but my defense mechanisms always jump in and prevent me from going any further.

Will I always be so emotionally dead?
Why would God want to give me his love more than I want to receive it?

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Well, my last day of work was yesterday.

This is going to be more of a cataloge of events than my normal entries, so forgive me.

I've moved back to Utah, moved in with Bawb and Smurfs and two other blokes that aren't bad, although I'm not sure I trust one of them, he went to bed before midnight on a Friday night...weird. Okay so the travelog.

Tuesday:

Smurfs slept over at my house and we woke up bright and kind of early (he woke up sometime around noon), and we went about attempting to find his money so that we could get an appartment. Trie dto find TO so that we could locate his pay checks, after hitting up wiggle's and then attempting to find him at his place of occupation--until Wiggle told us that he went to SLC. Then I went to a meeting at my work, and came back to get Smurfs from the Provo Library, stopping to talk to my Mom for a bit. Then I came home, and the group of us went to watch Fantastic Four. An excellent film, not hurt in the least by Jennifer Alba having to strip several times during the movie--events to be eclipsed only by her powers failing in said almost nued state.

Wednesday:

The day began at my new appartment, and--having forgotten my pillow--with a very sore back. It proceeded as I refused to accept my Boss' calls, read Eragon and chatted back and forth with Bawb What a neat kid and Smurfs--Something I have a feeling that I'm going to be doing a lot of the next few months. After that I went to my older sisters' birthday party. Where I got to see Batman Begins an excellent film. I am quite pleased at this trend toward comic books, I'd perfer more along the fantasy line of things but this is just about as close up my ally as I think I'll get and it pleases me greatly. Came home and went to IHOP with Bawb and TO, where we had the conversation about guilt.

Something I've actually been struggling with, it's strange how perception changes everything, I mean, for me, I want more than anything to be able to feel some guilt about the things that I've done so that I can repent, I want to feel some that regret so that I might be able to cast aside the thorny vestments I've been toiling under for the summer. And it has happened although I doubt I can say that the guilt or shame has caused it, but rather simply being around people with higher moral standards people who are struggling to come to grips with religion and who talk about it frequently.

The night ended with a somewhat polite refusal, on the part of our waitress, when asked for her phone number.

Thursday:

Read some Eldest, then headed up to my Boss' house to grab some equipment before heading up to Tooele to work. While enroute, somewhere along Highway 80, (exit 114 to be exact) a four and a half foot trailor hitch decided it would be a good idea to come off of the vehical in front of me, and, bouncing along the the bottom of my vehicle lodged about a foot into the back of my passenger side floor.

Car = Totaled

And thus, yesterday was the last day of work. I came home, cleaned, re-arragined the front room and watched TV with the roomies, yeah, that day stunk.

Friday:

Sat in appartment almost all day, went and looked for a job. Stopped by the BYU library and got some things ready for the party tonight. then came home, dinked around for a few hours decided to go get some dinner and then watched Herbie: Fully Loaded. Only worth the ticket because it was 1.50 and I got to see Lindsey Lohan.

And that ends the time that I have for this post, best of all to all.

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Home...

Well, it has finally happened, I am home from the summer.

What do I say about this summer? What do I say about today? Smurfs is upstairs sleeping on the bunk above my bed, yesterday Bawb said that the two of us could possibly move into his appartment as he thought that there were openings. I'm kinda excited about that, Bawb has favorably impressed me the few times that I've come in contact with him.

School is starting, and I still have to work a bit...but life is still going well. It has been a strange last little bit. I have felt very... aloof from the world. Very much the stranger looking in. It is good to be back among people who actually care about me again. Even if I haven't yet had the chance to talk to them all. That's a good feeling that, knowing that there are more than I can talk to in a few hours.

Last night I showed up late to a party thrown by Wiggle. Quite fun, and she said she needed to get back in the party throwing mood, psht. I am so increadibly impressed by these people, they are simply great, even if I did act the Jester. My self-proclaimed assignement in any group these days. I wonder how many people out there are just as amazed as I am that their friends actually care to call them friend. I mean, these are really exceptional people and I can't for the life of me assume what they see in me that causes them to desire my friendship. Or at least tolerate it when it is thrust upon them...

Another interesting thing happened last night, The Ringbearer, happens to be in my Sisters' ward and I'd met him a few time under a different guise. Always fun when the world of reality and the networld clash in such a way. What would have happened had I not listened in when Duchess' cousin told his now wife about the board... How my life would have been different.

All is well that end's well, but I must needs to wake up Smurfer so that we can go get some things done before I need to work today...Seeya'll.

-Asmond

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It's been awhile

So, I figured I'd stop in and write a little bit...for you know those of you who actually read this on a regular basis and care.

Well, where to start...

Life is going alright, I have been doing a lot of soul searching the past little bit, trying to figure out who exactly I want to be and figuring out what I need to do to get from here to there. I'm not sure if I've come to any actual conclusions yet. I'm working on it though. I absolutely hate this feeling of not knowing. I guess I'm handling everything alright...

You see, about two weeks ago I decided to do a little bit of an experiment. I stopped taking my medication. I want to see how I react to this sudden, 'all natural' Asmond. There have been some adjustments to be made, trials that I continue to fight against. But all in all, I think I'm doing alright, no suicidal thoughts, I can put down the fantasy and taking up reality do the things I need to do. I have noticed I've become a bit more cynical and snappish...which I'm not all that fond of, but again, I'm working on it.

So, for those of you who care, that's why I've been different the past few days. It's all just a matter of finding out who you really are I guess.

I keep wondering who I am, what are my desires. I think the biggest 'trial' I have in life is that I don't know how to change my desires.

I'm also coming to view religion in a new way, not really sure how to describe it and certainly different in perspective, although outside appearances may not change much. I must think upon it more...

-Asmond

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Sometimes I think I am my own worst enemy.

I look at the world around me and keep hoping for a girlfriend or a wife, why? Not because I want a family or anything like that...I just want to share my life with someone. I want someone who I like for who they are. Someone who will let me talk their ears off, who I can get mad at and they won't walk away. I want someone who will make me shed the tears I hide. I want someone who will be there for me when I want them, and when I don't. Someone I can talk to, and who will talk to me. I want to be part of someone else's life on a level where there are no secrets, I want to be able to wake up in the morning excited to talk to them, to hear what they have to say, and to share with them my dream, or my thought.

I've never had many close friends, never really met anyone who I can just talk to. I've always felt like I was on the outside of the shop looking in. Never included but always kinda there...Hovering around the edges. But I've always wanted to be inside. That's why I do some of the things I do, goad people into saying things, and doing things. Not because I dislike them, or think less of the,m, but because I want them to take notice of me...to call me up and ask to hang out sometime. I want them to call me out of the blue just to say hello, share some stupid story about spitting out the car and hitting your leg. And then go on with the rest of my day being reminded of them every time I look at that weird stain on my pants.

I can't remember where I heard this, and I know the quote isn't quite right but....

"The only universal human condition is loneliness."

I think it was while I was watching scrubs... In fact I know it is... when JD realizes that his Dad is just another guy, struggling to make it through life, a guy who sleeps on his couch when he comes to visit because he can't afford a hotel. A guy who goes off to visit an old friend not because he wants to see him, but because he might be able to sell him something, and he really needs to sell something.

I suppose one of these days I'll get over it, either in this life or the next, but I sure hope it comes soon.

-Asmond

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Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Well, at approx. 9;34, this morning I finished the book. It started around 12:50 last night with a small interuption around 1:20 so that my room-mate (whom I convinced to let me read it...I did go buy it for him), read the first chapter. Begun again about 1:47. I must admit I did take a break around 6:20 to snag some sphagetti O's, and then again around 9;00 when I drifted off to sleep for a few seconds....Okay twenty minutes. But all in all, a WONDERFUL book! Although...it leaves me really hungry for book seven...which of course won't come out for several more years. Dang these authors...they need to travel back in time and realease all of their books similtaniously.

On the plus side, I discovered a third book to the Alta series at border's yesterday...read part of it before I got called on a job(but it was an expensive 24$(Harry Potter was only 16!)) so I had to leave it there. And book two of the Eragon trilogy is going to be released here in the next...month or so...yay! Two books I've been waiting since I came home from my mission almost here and one just read...I wonder what to read next...

Anyway, I bet I beat everyone!

-Asmond

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ABC's...

A- Age you got your first kiss: 17
B - Band listening to right now: N/A
C - Crush(s): Meg, Katie, Em, etc. I'm fickle...so shoot me.
D- Dad's name: Earl
E - Easiest person [people] to talk to: Novel, Uffish, Jason.
F - Favorite band at the moment: Gin Blossoms
G - gummy bears: That's a neat TV show.
H - Hometown: Orem, UT
I - Instruments: Violin
J- Juice: Where? I want some!
K - Kids: see above.
L - Longest car ride ever: Every other summer we drive to Mass., one summer we drove to Maine as well...
M - Mom's name: Debby
N - Nicknames: Camshaft, Asmond, Cam, Timone, Elder Enstine.
O - One wish: I need to find that loader...Uffish is prob. the only one who will get this.
P - Phobia[s]: Not having done anything important in life.
Q - Quote: "What have you done today, that earns for you another tomorrow?" -Anon.
R - Reason to smile: Friday Night...and M&M's.
S - Song you sang last: The closing hymn...I can't remember what it was.
T - Time you woke up [today]: 7:30.
U - Unknown fact about me: Uhm...I love chick flicks?
V - Vegetable you hate: Corn.
W - Worst habit(s): Pointing out when people say false things.
X - X-rays you've had: Arm, teeth?
Y - Yummy food: Beef Stew...yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Z - Zodiac sign: Gemini

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MARRIAGE? WHAT?

Well, here goes a very large amount of making Asmond look silly.

I did one of those, "First, Last, Current." type deal-i-os the other day, and here are some of the questions: First girl you kissed. Well, it was: A. Last girl you kissed...yeah, still A. First Girlfriend; A. Last Girlfriend A. Last time you made out...never.

So, it all pretty much boiled down to this inevitable fact: I've only had one girlfriend ever...and we broke up five years ago. Why is this? I'm not quite sure. It's not as if I haven't liked girls...'cause I have. The problem arises in my follow through. I like several girls, but I don't have the follow through ability. I've gotten to know them to the point that I think to myself...nah. Take the current options. Vanessa is cool, but uhm...no, just nothing there. Katie is cool, but...yeah, there are some problems with that one. And the rest? Well, they are all about the same level as Katie.

What is my problem? Why do I have such a hard time settling on a girl? I mean there are plenty of nice ones out there... I'd like to date around get to know a girl or two, get my heart broken a time or two. The problem? Well, now that I've come home from my mission I feel like my next girlfriend HAS to be my wife. She doesn't, and rationally I realize this, but something deep inside of me keeps telling me that my next girlfriend is going to be marriable material. Is that too high of a standard to keep? Am I even ready for marriage? The answer to both is a resounding...maybe. I would like to get out there and date some...but I feel as though society has forced me into a point where I can no longer just date for fun, but that I am forced to find the girl that I can live with for the rest of my life.

And at a fairly young age, I'm only 22. But...at the same time I'm forced to take on a role that I don't think I'm ready for. I don't know what I want in a girl, how can I? I mean...I've only ever had one girlfriend...Ahh shoot. Anyway, I'm just a little frustrated. I want to have some 'fun' relationships. But I just don't feel like that's possible anymore. And I'm quite sad about that innocence lost. I missed out on a wonderful time in High School/Freshman year when I could have gone out and dated all of these girls and not had to worry about what they thought, not had to worry about getting married and settling down, buying a minivan and having 2.5 kids and a dog. Not have to worry about supporting those kids through college and then seeing them get married and moving out and having grand kids and paying for the weddings and having them go on missions and serving faithfully.

Wow...random tangent. Anyway, I think life is good now, and I've gotten that off of my chest. But does anyone else feel this way? I hate it! oh...and if you're a girl, and you're cute, and you read this...I'm accepting dating applications...non-serious applicants only please.

-Asmond

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Frustrations

I've had it!

Okay, not really...but I'm getting sick of this feeling of being dead weight.

Gosh dang it, this real life thing stinks to high heaven. Yesterday night I helped one of the salesmen and his wife get Internet. Well, tried too--but that doesn't matter. While I was there, I felt the renewed sense that my life is going nowhere. I know that I have to jump a few hurdles and eventually it will all come out for the best, but sometimes it's hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have to go home and move rooms again, I’ll have lived in all three of the rooms in my apartment, I haven’t eaten a decent home cooked meal in ages and I really want some beef stew. I’m not sure if everyone feels like this, but sometimes it just feels like everyone around you hates you and would rather see you dead than anything else, I’m in one of those moments now. I really just need to go read my scriptures instead of trying to take my anger out here.

Oh well, have fun all.
-Asmond

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Scripture Study

3 Nephi 17:4 But now I go unto the Father, and also to show myself unto the lost tribes of Israel, for they are not lost unto the Father, for he knoweth wither he hath taken them.

As I sit and ponder that scripture, I wonder at the enormity of life, I sit on my porch looking out over two apartment complexes, I know behind me there are four young men and I know in front of me are hundreds upon thousands of others. These are the lost tribes of Israel, the sons and daughters of God. I look at some of them, and I know that they are lost, I know that... they have yet to find the Father.

Today I was asked why I got up in the morning. I responded that the idea that there is another idea is what got me up. As I think about it, I'm not sure if that is entirely correct. I get up in the morning with the hope that someone out there will find me today. I don't mean that I am lost, although I guess in a way I am. I want to connect with another soul, to be found in the sense that together we are complete. I want to be of use in this life, I want my life to have a meaning to have a purpose. I don't think I want to be rich; I don't want to alter the course of the world. All I want is to mean the world to someone else.

I think about the atonement, and I wonder how He could love me that much...could love me enough to die for me. Do I mean the world to Him? I want to find meaning I want to connect to someone, and I look around me at the world that I see and more often than not I find that their arms are stretched out searching for something themselves, but we are unable to fulfill the needs that the other has. We are unable to find the lost. And I read the scriptures, the lament of 3 Nephi 10, as the Savoir tells the Nephites over, and over, and over that His arms are stretched out still, that he will still gather them. I think that his work isn't done. The work which he left the Nephites that day to go do...he is still doing it. He is going to the lost of the Tribes of Israel. He is visiting the children.

But he isn't appearing in pillars of fire and descending from above in glory...he merely enters into the hearts of those who are willing to let him in, and he gives them the same gift he gave the Nephites.

v. 5, And it came to pass that when Jesus had thus spoken, he cast his eyes round about again on the multitude, and beheld they were in tears, and did look steadfastly upon him as if they would ask him to tarry a little longer.

And he did heal those who were physically sick, and did begin the much longer process of healing those who were spiritually sick. He sought to give them the gift that they could not achieve for themselves. He sought to bring them to the Father. To lead them gently back to Him, because while lost unto themselves they were never lost to Him. How often do I look at people and make judgments, "He is stupid," "He is lazy," "he is on probation." I make these judgments and I wonder...why am I doing this? I want to connect to someone, but I refuse the only arms that are truly outstretched, yes there are others that I can reach out, and hold onto but without Him...I will lose my grip eventually I shall become lost again. I must make him the priority and figure out what to do with all the rest of it, discard or use it. I must love Him before I can love another. I must love myself before I can love Him...

I wonder what Jesus said in that prayer, I wish I knew, I wish I could feel of his love for me, and for those around me. I wish I could make that a part of my life, a part of my existence. What changes would it make, can I make them now? I pray I may, I pray that I can walk more closely in the steps he made as I walk along the sand toward my final destination. And hopefully one day I will look up and find that they have led me home. And that all of you are there with me...

It's strange, I don't know everyone that reads this...but I know a few. And I hope that they come with me, as we make the dark and difficult journey. It becomes easier when you have company.

-Asmond

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My Birthday

Well, In about twenty-five minutes I will be twenty two. That's kinda weird.

I guess I should update this a little. I am currently in Colorado Springs, and have been for the past week or so. They transfered our office here the Sunday before last. My car has broken down twice since I've been here and I already got snuffed by a girl--who chose my room-mate, who then moved out, coicidence? I think not--it's been a good week in other words. Life is great, and I'm going to keep on keeping on, I best be going now...talk to you all later...

-Asmond

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Self-Image

This isn't going to have a whole lot of cohesiveness...so feel free to skip.

Today I got a call from the office manager asking me when would be a good time tomorrow for me to do a job. Well...I asked why? As normally the jobs tomorrow would be given in order of the rotation and I was certainly not going to be next on the rotation. Well, she said that the salesman specifically asked for me. I have no idea why, but for some reason this guy (one of our best salesmen) thinks that I do a good job and wanted me to do a particularly difficult job. I don't get it though? I'm not one of the best Techs...yeah my systems all work and the only service calls I get are from people who are canceling...but...I'm not the fastest, I'm not the best by any means. Why would they want me?

I keep thinking that perhaps I have a self-image problem. I was talking to someone the other day and I told them that it was very easy to compare the best parts of others with the worst parts of ourselves. Trying to convince her of the things that I thought were amazing about her, she kept saying that she wasn't as smart and that she was somehow 'sneaking' her way into getting people to think she is smarter than she actually is. (The girl is the freaking Valedictorian of a class of 700+). So do I suffer from similar problems? Just now I was talking to Novel and I told her that I wasn't exactly prime rib. She made a comment that got me thinking, "Who wants prime rib anyway?" Well, the answer: A lot of Men. "And that's what you want?" "Well...okay, so I'm not a ceaser salad with all the fixings." I realized that I had been making a generality, assuming that EVERYONE wants the same thing. Everyone wants Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, or Britney Spears. But they don't, Uffish likes Tomato Sandwiches, I hate tomatos. Somewhere out there, there is someone that is looking for a plate full of Asmond(maybe a bowl...I like soups more often than anything else...so I think I'd defiantly be a soup...not something you could put on a plate...yes, a nice thick hearty stew...yummy...I miss Mom's cooking) and I just have to figure out who she is.

I don't have to worry that I'm Sauerkraut or Blood Sausage, Tripe or Menudo, someone out there thinks those things are good! I think they are a little off their rocker, but someone likes them. So...I guess I don't need to worry so much about becoming the person that everyone wants and just become the person I can live with for the rest of eternity.

A couple more random thought sand then I'll end I think: My arm is all scratched up, I'm going to have tons of scars after this summer, today’s battle wounds with the wire striper, the needle nose and my drill: A long scrape from the elbow to two inches below the base of the thumb--cause: Bending over and scraping my arm across a drill bit in my belt. A flap of skin hanging off just below my pinkie toward the palm--cause: A sharp wire in the RJ block that cut up as I was trying to strip some other wire. An index finger with a scab on the first knuckle after getting it caught in the cutting part of the needle nose pliers while trying to close a dolphin clip.

Oh, I stopped to help a man with his Tire today...he had already changed it but I felt good just for stopping. I like doing random acts of kindness, they make me feel good inside, I think I'll start looking for more chances.

Today as I was listening to NPR(for some reason I've been listening to that lately) the thought came to me that M. might actually have feelings and thoughts all of his own and that the reason he did things is a direct result of things that have happened in the past. That the old Lady I had just explained how to use the system too and which couldn't understand really just couldn't understand and that she was having a hard time and I should have had more patience with her. I't shard to remember that sometimes other people have problems and concerns that they have worrying them, but imagine what would happen if everyone assumed that everyone else was as precious as they themselves were...and that everyone had problems...I need to start thinking more like that. Anyway, time for bed. I love ya'll

-Asmond

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God and Hearts

As I have been thinking quite a bit about hearts, and the various fuctions that they serve mankind I have been thinking, wondering really, why they are so important.

Often times one will read in literature that to fall in love is to give your heart to someone. Now, the concept of falling in love aside, why is the heart so often associated with love and other emotions? Emotions are felt, they are expeirenced in the brain. That is where we experience all things, most of us consider our heads to be the focul point of our bodies, and rightly so. In all respects but our emotions those are the sole property of the heart.

Why? Why this discrepensy? Why is the heart so very different from every other act, thought, concept that is known to man? Few things have caught the attention of poet, warrior, suiter, king or scientist with more frequency than the heart.

Some purely physical symbolism: The heart is realtivly unprotected, left vulnerable to outside ministration, both good...and bad. You can replace a heart, you cannot replace a brain. If damage to done to part of the brain, life becomes difficult, if damage is done to part of the heart, life becomes threatened. THe heart is the pumpting station for the blood, which is the symbol of mortality and sin.

But all this doesn't matter, although quite interesting. The question I've been wondering, is whose responsibility is it to change the heart? I have a friend not much older than me, who is on his third heart. His body is rejecting them--having decided that it is not it's own--he has decided not to take the pills to fight it off. He will soon die. (Incidentally, my friend served a mission in the main family history center where he became good friends of Elder Bednar's, and the good Apostle's last talk was given with my friend in mind.) Sometimes I think we are like my friend in a spiritual sense, we are given a new heart but are unable to accept this, it goes against our nature and we must continually recieve the help to keep ourselves from rejecting this new heart.

God has given us our hearts...but he gives unto us the keeping. Our desires are our own creation, one may choose to accept or reject the gifts given to them.

I'm tired and this isn't making much sense...but the main thought is: God gives us the chance to heal our broken hearts, but it's up to us to take the steps needed for healing, or replacement. It is hard to go from a heart of stone o a heart of flesh. But it is the task of us all to make sure that we do just that. Ipray that one day I might do as Moses directed the children of Isreal, after describing the scattering of Israel: But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.

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An interesting week. I've been thinking a lot about hearts lately. How does a man change his heart? Is it his responsibility or does God take part of that upon himself? Okay...I can't talk about this while I'm thinking about star wars! I get to see it tomorrow morning! Oh my gosh I'm sooooooooooooooooooo freaking excited.

-Asmond

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Purposes Advanced

Well, at the request of my good bishop I've decided to start writing in this a bit more often. It's strange to think how many people read this but at the same time it is a good outlet into the life I am.

Thinking about it, a question on Blue Beta comes to mind about diaries, I don't really concern myself with other people's diaries and don't really care if they read mine. And the evidence of that lies in this--this blog. This is my diary. Today was one filled with...amazement.

Lately I've been really feeling --for the first time in a long, long time-- as though God had deserted me. I've felt bereft of the Spirit and the guiding light he gives. This has been evidenced only too closely as I've tried to give guidance to my friends in their spiritual and emotional woes. I just didn't have the words to say, and that more than anything else has been putting me on an edge which I cannot abide. And so, today I went and I talked to my new Bishop. I've had the unfortunate chance of getting to know several bishop's fairly well. And they always amaze me by the clarity of their wisdom. Truly they are inspired men who are sent here by a loving Father to help us pass through these troubled waters and come across the mountain deep--the conqueror of trial and sorrow.

Today I read my scriptures, I said a prayer I made steps to form a pattern of life where those things would be come regular parts of my existence. And to that end: I was able to give decent advice for the first time in weeks. It wasn't as good as it used to be, it wasn't as easy or clear as it used to come, but it came. Oh the joy that fills the soul to know that he has been the vessel of the Lord in delivering the Love of the Father to one of his precious children. The interesting thing was that the person to whom I was giving the advice was someone who I previously had little to no emotional attachment. Yet as we talked, I discovered an empathy and desire for his welfare that never had existed before. I can see through the shroud of fear and pain and darkness that has clouded my mind for so long and for the first time in...well as far as I can remember I see the joy that can come from being selflessly devoted to the welfare of others. I desire above all else to be happy, but these last few hours I've decided that I have a desire almost as strong--one which is almost entirely complimentary to the desire to be happy--the desire to see those around me happy as well.

I've been reading Les Mis(or my brick as my roomies affectionatly call it)--which is such a great book--and the theme seems to be an overarching benefit to those whose lives are lived in the service and welfare of the common man. Not for the general masses but to the individual whom needs soo much and asks for so little. There are desperate cries all around us now, the cries which we all silently scream into the night, the desperation of loneliness, the anger of betrayal, the black wave of hopelessness all surge outward waiting for a receptive ear to lend it's time, a shoulder to cry upon, and a hand to lift up. I wonder how one can attune the ear to hear those cries to see behind the facade which we all bear and seek the depths of pain and suffering where the mere presence of another is the Gilead balm needed. To have someone there to bear your sorrow with you--what more could the suffer want?

Perhaps that is the true reason for the Atonement, so that there might be someone beside us, lifting the load when we are too weary to press on alone. I like that thought. I like it a lot. For the first time I see how faith in the savior can be such a reassuring thing. Because life only has meaning when there is someone there to share it with.

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Reflections on Love

It's been an acculmilation of events that have led me to this post. I'm not sure what order they are in, and so this is mostly just going to be me rambling for a bit as I explore my thoughts--I pray your forgiveness.

I just finished watching Phantom of the Opera. Yes, I watched it late at night with two men in an appartment hundreds upon hundreds of miles away from any girl that I wanted to watch it with--okay so I just had a great talk with my roomie, and we talked about a lot of stuff.

A poem that I want to write:

Take this heart and open up the tide.
It's building up--it's just too high.
Kiss the ground, watch the wake
surf the edge where flaws become real
Rise aboe tghe petty chatter,
take the part you're offered and fly
Above the clouds, above the sky,
Eat your fill, the'res more to come
The heart bound up in broken tongue
turn, turn, turn away from darkness
light, darkest night and lightest life
Wrap the world inside your fingers
Clutch on tight, forget the tears
Spinning idly for a few more years.
Take my broken heart and go
Take it wherever, just let it be with you.
This struggle, who are you?
The one who will take me as I am
Are you man or beast, flame or glory?
Are you the girl of my dreams?
Are you my Lord and Master?
Where does my loyalty lie?
Take my broken heart and go.
I don't know where I don't know how
just take my broken heart and go.


Haven't proof read that or anything, just random thoughts that came out as I typed. Anyway, I keep wondering how to open up. I find it very easy to talk about myself--but I don't open myself up. I find that I begin to give someone a narrative about who I am instead of opening my heart and letting them see for themselves. Often I paint a darker hue or highlight only the gilded edges. How does one allow someone to come in and see the room for what it is? The gilded edges which display strength with percision, the dark corners where flaws hide, the worn furniture of habit and the golden treasure of dreams?

What is the secret that will unlock the gate and finally let someone else into my heart? Will that person be my wife? My God? Where are my priorities? How do you let someone see you for who you are when you have no idea who you are? I was listening to a Christan Rock channel on the radio for a bit today, and a song I heard comes to mind: All the gold, and treasure of the world, could never fill the emptyness of my soul. obviously the answer I've been taught all my life is God, but can I ever love someone I cannot see? I'm just a confused little kid still, wondering where to go from here and how to find a decent map so that I won't have to worry about how to get there.

I hope this makes sense. Life doesn't make much most of the time I've decided. I wonder why God made it soo darn hard, I guess if you want to make something strong you don't give it little itty bitty challenges. or no challenges at all. But sometimes I wonder if he isn't giving me a little bit more than I can handle. God Bless you all, and thanks for reading my exagerated thought pattern put to paper, I hope you learned something form it, I know I did.

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To michigan

Well, after a few delays and some car problems I'm here in Michigan installing security systems. I don't really have a computer with access to the net...we are currently hijacking some poor schmuck's wireless connection on our labtops...and by our I mean my roomies...It feels somewhat illegal but at the same time...*shrugs* It suits our purposes and we won't be staying here that long. We're going to be moving come Friday so that J and M and I can all live in the same place. J and I are currently living together and M basically lives here...although he does sleep elsewhere.

It was a fun few days, We were going to leave early Sunday Morning, but M didn't register his car and we were forced to make a few delays. So, Monday morning about noon we finally managed to make our exit and I left for my first real trip away from home, the mission excepted. It's kinda strange, I've always had someone to fall back on, parents, the Mission Pres., but here...there isn't anyone to come to the rescue and I have to do everything on my own.

It's really strange...but I'll talk about the trip here a little, at Novel's request.

We managed to get as far as North Platte, (the entire trip here I felt like I was playing Oregon Trail....backwards and in a car, I kept waiting for a little screen to pop up asking how I'd like to cross the river, hire the indian or ferry the boat. So...in North Platte J and M convinced me that staying in the cars would be a bad thing and we got a Hotel for the night. THEN, we started driving the next morning, and for some reason we didn't manage to make it the 200 miles to Omaha until like...3, and we visited M's brother and sister. About five we left and decided to try and make it the rest of the way to Grand Rapids that night. Everything was going fine, minus a few wrong turns by those who are less excellent map readers than I, right up until we left Chicago. With only two hours left on our jounry and it being 2:00 in the morning on Thursday, I, while trying to read the map and drive ran into something on the road.

We pulled over looked, but couldn't see any damage. Right up until I got off the toll road and realized that my power steering wasn't working and my battery light was out--We think something hit my power steering belt, snapped it and then it hit my serpentine belt and caused it to get off the cogs, thus causing the alternator to stop working. We took a hotel for night two and I waited for someone to die, because I was angry enough to shoot a whole freaking herd of buffalo. The next morning we woke up five minutes after we were supposed to check out of the hotel and quickly grabbed everything and ran. We managed to get the serpentine belt on and drive the remaning two hours, I without power steering. And went to work, we did two installs that night--returning home at 1:20 in the morning. From then until Sunday morning I don't remember much, just lots of driving, wire twisting and drilling.

I'm doing fair to decent at the learning curve and know more than quite a few of the other Tech's, just need to work on speed now.

Sunday we went to church and I met a guy who knew my Grandpa(my dad grew up here in Michigan) that's kinda weird. We then passed the rest of the day playing video games and strumming. Monday was a bore, we didn't get a job until about 8 o'clock--so I played a lot of some weird old RPG that J had lying around in his game case. And we went to the mall--which is pitifully small and disappointing--and my Boss hit on...somewhat less attractive non-members. And then the guy whose home I was in smoked constantly and HAD to sit there and watch and ask questions while I worked. Slow me down, give me a headache and be annoying!!!!

Anyway, life is good, I'm tired, and enjoying the money. I miss ya'll tons and wish I could just transport you here and we could party all day...but...*sighs* Oh well.

-Asmond

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Absense

Well, I know I have blogged for a bit. But I hope all is well in ya'lls lives. As some of you may or may not have heard. There are two BYU students that went Hiking down near Escalante last Wednesday, they were supposed to be back Friday Afternoon. By Satruday afternoon, one of the men's wife called search and rescue. Which has been looking for the past three days.

The one whose wife called search and rescue was married six months ago, The other, is my cousin. He is a 25 year old student here at the Y. Both served missions and were looking to graduate here in the near future. Both were experienced hikers, rock climbers and campers. They are thought to be somewhere near the neon canyon area. Probably doing what is called the Golden Cathedral as they both bought wet suits for the occassion.

7 other hikers were found today they all had suffered from the cold and several had frost bite. With the storm moving in temperatures will be dropping down even lower. They have narrowed the search down to a slot canyon about a mile and a half long. The bottom is about 300 feet below ground level. And can be as narrow as 13 inches in places.

John is the kind of kid that everyone wants to be around, you can hear and recquonize his laugh from across the crowded Terrace if you know what to listen for. He is an all around great guy, funny and just plain good. If you could please pray for him that he might stay warm, have the nourishmen that he needs and that above all he can be found soon. Please pray for the search and rescue crew as well as they will be going into very dangerous places searching for the two. Thanks, have a great night.

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Summer Plans

So, life has been hectic for a bit now...and I've finally decided what I'm going to do this summer. You see, I'm going to be in Michigan. Yup, Michigan. And, because of that move, I also got a cell phone. So, those are two great things that have happened to me in the last little bit. I didn't think I'd like having a cell phone, but now that I can text my good buddies at school. Life has gotten much more interesting. People can actually get ahold of me and people have actually tried. It's amazing!

So, I like my little black and gray box. It is comefortable. I like my new job. I like life as it is. Even if I have tons of homework and I need to turn in my two weeks notice and find an appartment for next year, I just bought a car. So that is another good thing. Oie, this is such a strange congolmoration of info. I don't really have a coherent thought right now, I'm mostly just trying to do everything so that I can actually survive. Life is rushing by far too quickly with too many decisions that require thought and not enough time to think about. But everything seems to be falling into place and feeling right. I guess I don't need to be in control, I just need to be moving. That reminds me of a quote a lady said in conference once and if I was lazy enough I'd find the reference but...she was talking about her pioneer ancestors and said she had a great something pa, who converted to the church with his wife and came from England to America. His wife and sons died on the plains. He stopped writing in his journal for a bit, and when he came back to it he said, "Still moving." I think that's about it.

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The Past Week

Well, it's been a bit! I'll just catch up on what has happened this past little bit: Nothing. And I blame it all on everyone else.

You see this all started on Tuesday. Cue dream sequence..............

*The screen grows all fuzzy and then fades back into focus on last Tuesday*

"Novel! I really want to go buy The Sims 2. And I'm tempted to skip the devotional and buy it!" "Go for it." "Uhm...you sure?" "Yes, buy it, buy it buy it!" "Will you come with me?" "Sure I'll hold your hand Asmond..." "Yay...here it is...I want it so bad...but I know it will ruin my life." "Don't worry about it, just buy it." "Okay...lets go meet Smurfs and J!" "Hey..." *talks to about five random people whom I knew from previous life spans before J shows up.* "J! Where is Smurfs?" "I dunno, he is twenty minutes late though..." "Hey, there is a girl from my Japanese Class, I could give her the stuff to turn it in and then I could go home and play the Sims...." "Do it Asmond!" "But I really kinda need to go to Japanese..." "ASMOND, GO PLAY THE SIMS!"

Okay, so that's how it's Novel and J's fault. It's Smurfs fault because he wasn't there to tell me not to purchase the game, and then he wasn't there to tell me I should go to my class. Let me think...who else can I blame... Oh, it's *insert name of friend from HS*'s fault, he is the one who let me play it the first time! Hum...It's Uffish's fault because she has red hair, and I can blame her for anything, she's the perfect red-head-ed-step-child.

You may, or may not have guessed that I've been playing a lot of Sims 2 lately. Soon I'm going to get a screen shot of my Sim: Asmond, and put it up on here for you all to see, he looks fairly close to me... But in all reality...I have actually gone out and done things lately. I went out both last night and the night before actually! I'm proud of myself. I even met Serendipity, and stole her lip gloss (okay...so I think she lost it in my car...but still!) And I did my, 'work' on Saturday, washed the car(stupid rain), prepared my lesson and actually did some homework. I'm proud of myself for all of those things.

Now, to take a test tomorrow and finish the two papers due next Thursday. Ahh, gotta love procrastination. But I think after this I only have one more big project and then finals! Woo! Life is good, my friends are cool...and I am happy.

Lessons to be learned from simming:

1. There are some actions that just shouldn't be available until you know someone really well.
2. You have to practice at something to become good at it.
3. If you don't do your homework you don't get as much money.
4. You have to make time for your friends otherwise you'll just end up doing what is nessessary and not having any fun.
5. Never eat food that has been left out for longer than about 10 days.
6. Girlfriends don't like it when you make out with other girls infront of them.
7. Aliens really are real. And they can get Men pregnant.
8. Telescopes give you logic, Piano's give you creativity, TV's give you fun, Food makes you happy and expresso makes you p**.
9. If you don't get sleep bad things start to happen.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed your little Sim lessons in life, till next time...enjoy!

- Asmond

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Priorities

Well, as I was finishing my last post I thought about this, but decided it was a little too serious for that one so...here goes the second post of tonight, aren't ya'll lucky?

Well, I've been thinking about priorities a bit lately. And I've been thinking about what should be, what I say is, and what actualy are, my priorities.

You know, the "right" answers? Church (and by implication, God), School, Family, money for food and shelter, honest work...Well, those are my priorities...to a point. But I think as I examine my life there are things that I also count personally as important. My friends (and by extension their blogs), reading good literature, and expanding my mind in other ways. But where on the priority list do all of these things fit, what is the balance that I'm trying to make here?

At this point I need to add in two more priorities, although not ones that I am proud of, Internet chatting, and console gaming. Not bad in and of themselves, but sometimes they take precedence over much more important things.

So, how do you make the decision to choose, I mean if it were presented to you as: "You can either choose God, or your book." I doubt many people would choose the book...but, what happens is much more subtle. I can read my book now and the scriptures later, I can talk to _____ now and do homework later, I can play FFX now and prepare my lesson later... etc. They don't seem like they are big things, just procrastinating a little bit. But eventually I've managed to fill my life up with so many 'good' things that I don't have enough room for the 'best' things.

So that requires that I start cutting things out. Well...what goes? Obviously it's not religion, school or family. I simply cannot morally do that. But books, games, IM, these are all things that I find entertaining, the joy of the moment if you will. I know I can't give up all of them just yet, I would go crazy without some form of stress releif. But what do you give up? And how much? I don't really expect anyone to answer those...which is why the blog is called Rhetorical questions, but hopefully putting this down on paper will assist me in setting first things first.

Something that just came to mind: My second mission president in his first real zone conference put up a slide show, with a quote from a bumper sticker, "The main thing, is to make the main thing, the main thing." I kinda liked it. And it fits well here, life for most members of the church isn't a struggle between murder and celestial marriage, but rather between terrestial and celestial laws. And the goal in life is to start picking the celestial stuff.

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Red Dots?

Well, Shoebox of Lies and Wiggle came and visited me today. I live kinda far away from most of the gang down in Provo, so I have to tell them directions. They can usually get most of the way here....but they always seem to have trouble with the last stretch. You see, the last bit of instruction is, "Turn at the red dot." Or, "Turn at the first red dot." Well, they keep complianing that there is more than one red dot. Well, I decided to call them on it tonight.

First to explain they came and said: "We only made one wrong turn this time, we turned at the red dot...you see the problem is we got to the first and could see another and we didn't think it was that close...so we drove on to the next one."

So, we drove out and looked for red dots, results: About six streets up there are two red dots on a telephone pole. Another six blocks up there is a yellow dot. They decided to turn around. And in unison they said, "Oh, it was on the way back that we saw so many red dots!" So, we counted the ones on the way back...none, except the one they were supposed to turn at, and one that didn't have a turn. So, after dicussing this I decided that A: they thought the red dots were actually car tail-lights.

Ahh, good times. I'm really glad they came by though, I miss talking to them...On other related news, Serendipity is coming into town for all of those who didn't know that already. She's a cool girl, I've been talking to her a bit online. And I had a really good session of church, the temple was awesome Saturday. I'm so glad I get to do that, It really does make the week go by so much better and is something I look forward to every Saturday. A girl in one of my classes came in this Saturday, a girl that I've been wanting to ask out for awhile now. I think I will.

Okay, random thought patterns done and gone now...life is good, I am happy and school is slowing down.

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Depression

Well, as many of you know, and as some of you have guessed. I have been diagnosed with Clinical depression. I take 200 mg of Welbutrin SR every morning, all because of that fact. For the longest time I refused to take medication, I had gone on it once in High School, and it just...didn't fly very well. So I had a bad taste in my mouth, not to mention the fact that I dislike drugs in general and have taken only a few dozen pain relievers in my life. Anyway, I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

I have learned how to handle it. I couldn't do it alone, and I have various other things that I deal with, but more or less, I have managed to put it behind me. It is a war that is always raging in the background, a whirlpool sitting there waiting for me to sail a little too close...enough with the similies you get the picture. The reason I'm writing this is because I'm sick of people with depression who act like it is some dibilitating disease. Is it hard? Yes. Can it feel like too much sometimes? Most definatly. But the fact of the matter is, the Lord provides ways of getting out. I look back on my life and see the times when I've been most depressed and it has always been those times in my life when I haven't been following the gospel.

I am absolutley convinced that if you are striving your best to live the gospel...then the depression will never get the best of you. Sometimes that means throwing your pride aside and dumping on someone, or taking a pill. But the Lord provides. Is it still hard? OF COURSE. This life wasn't made to be a walk in the park. It's always going to be difficult, it's difficult for the people without depression.

Okay, I've ranted and raved and probably offended a few people, and I appologize, I realize that the things contained in this post may not seem like they apply to your situation. They may not, I may have taken my own thoughts and turned out something so bunk it's not even funny. So, what am I trying to say here...we have all been given trials in life, one of mine just so happens to be depression. But we are all given problems, the Lord provides ways out of those holes, whatever they may be. I don't pretend to know all of the answers...but I do know that they cannot be found on our own. Whatever the trial, through God's assistance we may grow...sure we'll have some scars for a bit, but in the end...it's scars that make us truely beautiful.

I hope anyone reading this will gain some hope out of it, and not the anger it started with. This life is too short to live without hope, and that is what trials suck from us, the hope for a better world. "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen."

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Five Things minus One

Well, now that my crazy hectic week is over, and I've managed to take a little time for myself to recoup. I figured I'd send a post out into the cosmos, so for that perrty little red-head that I promised to post and to all the other people who have been bugging me about not writing lately...here goes.

First off I'd like to talk about my friend. This is my best friend, the kid that I would do anything for. We were friends in Jr. High and just got better as we entered into High School and life in general. We've always been there for each other to make sure the other one isn't screwing up too much. Well, He was supposed to be getting married this weekend. He isn't, and indeed he isn't even together with the girl anymore. All that happened since Valentines Day. Why am I talking about this? Anyway, I'm excited that he isn't getting married so we can still play but I'm still really sad that he has to go through the heartbreak. I wish I could help him more.

Well part of that is that this past weekend was supposed to be his Bachelor party, well, the wedding was already called but we decided to have the party anyway. It was a few nights up at his Cabin in the Uintahs. And for the first time in my life I got to ride a snow mobile. HOLY SHASTA! That is soooo fun. To go flying over a a perfectly white ground at 70 miles an hour... Yeah, that was fun.

There is also the dating problems. I have this insanely bad habit of liking a girl for about four days. And then...nothing. I don't understand this, is it because I don't see them and lose interest because the interest was based solely on looks or is it just that I don't know the girls very well and when I do get to know them I don't like them anymore. Anyway really quite frustrating I just want to skip this whole finding part and go straight to the married part. At least then I knew she likes me.

Well, I already talked about my homework and how increadibly much I had this past week...Most of that was my own fault for procrastinating though, so I can't complain. And I'm getting really tired, I only got about two hours of sleep last night...so I'm going to go to bed now. I hope everyone is having a blast of a day. Seeya laters.

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Musings on Desire

Today was a wonderfully non-productive day. I woke up, and played some video games, something I've not done in a long, long time, which is strange 'cause I used to play them all the time... But now I have a new addiction, chatting. It's really quite disgusting how much time I wasted chatting today. I started talking to A., who is a coworker of mine, at 2 and didn't stop until about 11 o'clock, when A.'s shift ended. In the middle of that I talked to a few other people, and I did do a little bit of work on the paper I've been trying to work on forever.

It seems as though I've been having some very strange conversations as of late. Particularly with A. I suppose that's to be expected in a 9 hour conversation. One of the things we talked about was individual self worth. A. Is one of the most spectacular people I've ever met. Werf is attractive to the opposite gender, very bright, funny, etc. All around one of the coolest personages that I know. But Werf has a huge problem with self-esteem. When asked if Werf, okay, I'm getting sick of saying werf, When I asked her if she liked herself she said no. I asked her why and the response was, "Because I can always do better."

Now, I'm a fairly bright chap, but I've never truly had any challenges that I consider difficult. Sure there is the depression, but the meds have done wonders for that and it hardly affects me anymore. However, I daresay that if given a huge trial to overcome I would simply turn and walk the other direction. I'm one that will usually take the path of least resistance. Sad, but true. I often wonder what I could be if I were to apply myself as much as A. Does to my school work, my employment, my friendships, anything. I feel very decadent. This of course may only be compounded by the fact that I accomplished absolutely nothing that I had set out to do today. I really need to start writing lists for myself again. I was so much more effective when I did that.

I wonder if it is possible to overcome laziness. You look in the scriptures and you see all of these examples of people who worked so hard for everything that they accomplished. You see those examples in real life as well. What makes these people tick? How do I acquire that...drive for the upper echelon of humanity? My favorite movies all involve people who have that drive, Gattaca, Rudy, October Sky. These are all movies where the main character has to overcome something...beyond themselves. Why? Why am I drawn to that type of person? How do you become that type of person? I know it's not going to be an overnight thing, and I suppose it all starts with a few steps here and a few steps there, but taking those steps seem soo hard and they don't appear to get any better in the future. It's strange, I'm a Red personality type, but I'm so lazy, I've never seen that as one of the characteristics of a Red. I was once asked: "If you could ask Jesus Christ one thing, what would it be?" My answer was, without even thinking, "How do you become someone with desire?" I feel like a child, whose attention span is only long enough to the acquiring of what is in sight, and once out of sight, it leaves me.

How I envy the desire of Alma, the stability of Nephi, the courage of Captain Moroni. It's strange, how easy it is to talk about things here, I just pretend no one can read this, as I expose all of my flaws and leave myself open for attack. The strange thing is...that I don't care.

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True Honesty

You know, as I've been thinking about this and what it means to me, I've wondered about a lot of things. Why do I write these? Is it because I want someone to see it and think, "WOW!" Or is it because I want to sort out my thoughts? Well, as I'm in a habit of trying to keep myself honest by revealing the truth to all who seek... I've decided to make this more of a personal mind exploration forum. So sit back and enjoy the ride. Welcome to my thoughts.

These past few days I've been wondering a lot about the meaning of life and why I do the things I do. Today I was talking to H and I made an offhand comment about only drunks appreciating cricket. She asked if I was drunk often. I said no, and she made a comment that it seemed out of character for me to do such a thing. Well, it got me thinking, what is my character? What is the me that people see? That on top of the pondering why I do things has got me doing some heavy thinking. I'm going to try and say why I do things...and then I'll ponder what other people see me as.

Why do I do things? Why do I go to church? Go to school? Date? Talk to people? Read books, write papers, hang out with friends, watch movies, listen to music? As for church, I think I have to, sadly, admit that I do it because it's partly habit. But mostly I go because I like how I feel when I'm there, I enjoy the friendshiping, I enjoy the friendly faces, I enjoy who I am, and I enjoy the spirit that is in me. I know I should be going to church because I love it...because I love the Lord, etc. But love is a hard thing for me to grasp. I don't understand it at all. Another reason for Valentines day to be an interesting holiday for me. I don't understand what it is that makes a group of people sacrifice so much for someone else.

I feel a little caloused, but I don't think I love anyone. Including myself. I try to love, I try to do the things that people that care would do. I have gotten fairly good at it...but deep down I know it's all just a fraud. I'm really not this good person that everyone thinks I am, I'm really not that smart, I'm really not that sanctimonious. I'm just trying to be the best I can. I suppose you could say that I'm trying to walk where Jesus walked, except I don't think about him nearly as much as I should. Or really need to in order to make that claim.

I do not think the same claim could be made of me as was made of one of my favorite men to have graced this earth, Neal A. Maxwell. He always lived tryed to be a disciple of The Christ. To walk as he walked, but he was much better at it than I am. But I am trying.

That leads into the next subject, what do other people see me as? I'm not sure, I know what I see myself as....and I have a hard time imagining someone who could see me as anything other than mediocre. What image do I present the world? Is that image the me I really am? Or am I the one I think I am? Are they just pretensions towards doing what a Christan should do, or are they the real desires of my heart made manifest? How do you do it? How does everyone else manage to get along fairly well, but I can't hardly tie my shoes without falling on my face?

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Singles Awareness Day

I hate singles awareness day.

Everything about it just irks the heck out of me.

Why? Why does this stupid holiday have to exist? I mean, really, why do people need an excuse to parade their dating status to all the world? Does it really matter? I mean, just freaking call it Valentines Day. All that runs through everyone's mind when you say, "Singles Awareness Day" is: "Oh gosh, yet ANOTHER person who is bitter over the fact that they are so inept at courting the opposite sex that you are trying to bring down everyone else that has managed to win the battle of ages and acquire a date for the infamous 14th of Febuary."

I mean, really it's just a clarion call of carelessly concealed envy. You are so entraped in your own bitterness that you fail to realize that it doesn't really matter. So why try to make everyone else depressed/guilty because of your own failings?

So, that is why I hate Singles Awareness Day.

And yes, I am single, so just call it Valentines Day and, "Glory in the success of [your] brethern."

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Contrast

Alright, well I've been thinking about this for a bit now and finally decided to give it a whirl. So here go the concepts: behind contrast, bait and hooks, the grenade hopper, and group-play.

As we all know contrast means: To set in opposition in order to show or emphasize differences. We are going to talk about contrast as it applies to dating and group dynamics.

Grenade hoppers are those individuals who jump on grenades in fox holes, saving the lives of all the rest.

Bait and hooks are instruments used in fishing to allow you to...well catch fish.

Disclaimer: Okay, this is generally used by girls more than it is used by guys and the ideas contained here-in are only still in proto development. Also, while it is a common occurrence, it is not always the case, and should only be taken as a general rule.

Let me tell a story. One day some buds and I were driving down the road just cruzing and enjoying each other's company. Well, we pull up to a stop sign and look over, sure enough there's a car full of girls that are doing exactly the same thing we are. We drag a few lights and then pull off into a gas station together to grab some slushies.

Well, somehow we manage to arrange to meet at a different location to watch a movie, as we climb back into our cars...we realize it. In a desperate attempt to survive the night I shout, "Not it!" To which is followed, four other "not it's" but one was just too late, and we all laugh and punch his arm. He has become tonight's lucky grenade hopper.

We proceed to the location and after the first five to ten minutes we've managed to select tonight's target and move in for the kill, each of us have been jockeying for the attention of Veronica. Chris the grenade hopper has moved in for his kill on Jessica. And the rest have managed to accept defeat over Veronica and have moved on to less attractive pastures. We'll say for sake of argument that I acquired Veronica. The night progresses a few date switches occur but nothing major, Veronica is still mine and Chris and Jessica are still together.

Why? What is it about the group that causes the need for a grenade hopper? Well, groups of girls are organized in such a way as to require the hopper. You see, each group of girls consists of three archetypes. The first, the highest, the best is the bait and hook. She is the girl that baits the group of guys, and then hooks them and brings the rest of the girls the catch. Now, why you might ask does the bait and hook hang out with lesser girls? Simple, contrast. Contrast is the girl that is vastly lower than the bait and hook; she is there to make the rest of the girls look better. The rest of the girls? They are the average (mean) members of the group.

What does everyone get out of this? The B&H gets her choice of the guys, the contrast gets a guy of higher quality than she could acquire on her own and the means get something in the middle. Why does this work? Because girls work in Compare/Contrast.

Men, on the other hand, use what is called group-play. Each member of the group is roughly equal (aside from the Alpha, but he usually isn't quite the discrepancy that the B&H is.) and they play off of each other to make the rest look good, cracking jokes, telling stories about the time they did ____ together. Basically we're there to sell the rest of the guys to the girls. It works great for everyone involved. Men will usually trade off being the grenade hopper so that no one gets the contrast too often.

Now you may say, "Well that isn't fair to the contrast!" But I say no, she's picked her spot, the ugly friend. If she wanted to she could hang out with girls of her own, or lesser "value," and become the mean, or even the B&H. The means could do the same, and the B&H could always move up and be the mean or even the contrast. But they've chosen there place in the group and they play it faithfully.

Now, to make me not sound incredibly shallow. Note that the B&H and the contrast are both switchable positions. In fact, the bait and the hook can be two different people, one to catch the eye and the other to bring it home with her personality. And contrast can only go surface deep, and be an awesome girl on the interior where the Bait may become contrast in mental categories. Either way, I've found that this system strangely seems to hold in place. Questions? Comments? Rude Remarks? Good, I can always use help refining my ideas.

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Visiting the Graves

Lately I haven't been doing too hot with some of the things I've been commanded to do. Not anything serious for most, but it's something I was told to do at least 7 times in my Partiarchal blessing. So, why haven't I been doing it? Because it takes time, and that is time I like to spend on other things. So I've been feeling kinda guilty about that, but it all came to a head today in Sacarament meeting.

Today was, of course, fast and testimony meeting. And during the course of the meeting I began to feel really, really uncomfortable. Well, the thought continued to plague me and as soon as I could I left. Hoping no one would look, talk to, or see me. As I left church I started driving. When I finally came to a stop I was in a place I'd never been before. Somehow I'd managed to park in the middle of one of the local cemetaries. I got out of my car and started to walk up and down between the grave stones.

At first I was amazed at how illkept they were, covered in leaves with deer droppings all over the place, but as I started to clean off grave stones I noticed the seeming injustice of life. A couple, married for 80 years, have their gravestone right next to three children, none of which lived to see their first birthday. The heartache that must have been in those parents eyes as they stood there to bury their infant and they looked over and saw someone else who had lived a long and happy life. Did they wonder why it had been their child? Why did God have to take their precious little boy? Where is the justice in taking the young?

As I kept walking I came to several other grave sites that caught my attention. One, was a 14 year old boy, with a caption similar to this: Think of me, when there is snow in big cottonwood canyon, and the sun rests on the slopes of Rock Canyon. And know this, that I am free. Another, on two girls who shared the same gravestone. July 1982 - June 1983, her sister, August 1983 - August 1983. Imagine how those parents felt... The last, was a military grave. He was 20 when he died. A sargent in the 7th infantry, he died in World War II.

As I saw these people, young men and women that could have been my friends, or people who gave their life defending the right I had to have friends. I wondered what I was doing with my life? Why was it so hard for me to give twenty minutes a day to the Lord? Is the time he is giving me really worth it? Shouldn't one of these had had that chance to live? Wouldn't they have done more with it? And the tears came, I'm not sure what I did to deserve it, but I need to make the most of what I've been given.

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Gas, Guts & Grandpa

Well, today's been quite the day. It started first thing. When I left to go to school. I noticed that I was on 1/10th of a tank left of gas. Not nearly enough to get me around for the day. So...I decided to go get some...but all I had were eight quarters and a few dimes. So I pump my two dollars and sixty cents of gas into my car and cruise on up to the teller to pay. She looks at me, dressed in my suit and freezing my little hinie off and handing her 2.60 cents worth of change... and just starts laughing.

Okay, I can handle that.

Then I go to school. Did you know that if you drive slow so as to conserve gas at 7:30 in the morning people get mad at you? Plus...you get mad 'cause well, you're driving slow, and it just irks you that the guy in the 67 pinto beat you off the line. Or that the Mom with eight kids in a minivan has a greater top speed than you. Yeah, I hate driving slow.

First class is alright...except that I have this amazing ability to not allow girls to sit next to me. I'll be the first into a class room, look around, take a prime seat and wait...Sure enough not 30 seconds later some guy will come and sit down next to me...there are at least four rows with no one in them, and he sits in the chair RIGHT NEXT to me. What's up? I guess that's better than the...no one sits next to you one. Then you start questioning your breath, your B.O. meter...you wonder if you have an ugly shirt on that makes everyone think they will be thought less of for sitting next to you...Yeah, that bites.

Then it was off to my Career Explorations class...blah! We got to be in the library today, and the lady told us all about how neat the discover program as...for forty freaking minutes. Yes people I know how to find a cursed link! You don't need to show me four different ways to find the same webpage.

Then...and this I hesitate to talk about...but I got to visit a psychologist today. Something that most people don't know about me is that I actually should still be on a mission. Now, don't get me wrong. I still go to BYU and came home honorably. But deep down I feel like I copped out. I should have come home next Thursday(10th) so if I post one really angst filled blog that day...you'll know why. Anyway, I talked to the psych. who basically tried to convince me that who I am is not dependant upon what I do, yes I know this...but how do you get yourself to believe it? The session ran over time. Which made me late for the next treasure of this wonderful day's activities.

My Rating Session. Yes, I applied to work at the MTC, I loved missionary work...I loved teaching anyway and it's just about the only thing that kept me going...and I want to teach again. Something TO said comes to mind though...this is faaar too well read for me to post indiscriminately. So, yeah, it was a good experience and I loved feeling the spirit of that campus again. It made me warm.

Next of course, was Japanese. By this point in time I've gotten sick of people asking me why I'm dressed up and I started giving them all sorts of different reasons, "Gotta look good when you take over the world, what would the press think?" "Well, I wanted to pull one of those superman tricks..and you really need a button up shirt for that...wana see?" One that I thought about using...but which seems just a little too close to home..."My grandma died." My grandpa isn't doing so hot, he's loosing the skirmish of life. 40 years of diabetes, and two years of some mental problems. We're all kinda just waiting for him to go. It's his time.

Wow, this has taken a distinctively more...serious twist. On the plus side I got to talk to the Smurfs for a bit on IM today. That was awesome, excited for tomorrow night. I guess the question of the day is...do most people have days where everything just seems like it would make an awesome story? I mean...It just seems like life is full of characters that are just waiting to be put into the pen and paper of immortalized fiction. Very, Chaucer like. Anyway, Sayonara.

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AAA: Asmond and Attraction

Well, because of the many(okay…three) comments I’ve had on this, I decided to answer a few questions about what I’m looking for in an eternal companion. I’ve decided to break this up into two basic groups, Physical and Mental. Which will each then be broken down into a couple of sub categories. I have a feeling this is going to be a long post…so grab a cup of hot chocolate and a bagel, sit back, relax and soak it up.

Physical: This is first because…well it’s the first thing that attracts you to a girl, ya?

Hair, Okay, first thing I notice is hair. Hair is a beautiful thing but only when it’s still on the head. If it is on anything else…like a coat, or a shirt, EWWWWW. I hate that. Many a time I’ve thought I’d be slapped because I was pulling hair off of girls and the felt it. Ewww… just please…keep the hair off, for all that is good and holy. Uhm…moving on.

First off, hair always has to be neat. Now this is going to become a common theme of the physical nature, because…neat girls are just waa(enough A’s? Nope.)..aaaa(how about now? Nope)….aaaa(Now? Yes)ay more attractive. Greasy hair or hair that doesn’t look like it’s been brushed in months is just nasty. This applies to both straight and curly hair. Although I have to admit I much prefer the straight hair. Perhaps it’s the fact that my sisters all have curly hair, but straight hair is generally better looking.

Hair is also ranked by color and here we go: 1. Dark Red. 2. Strawberry Blonde. 3. Dark Brown, the almost black color. 4. White blonde (yes, I know it’s fake…but it still looks good.) 5. Regular Brown. 6. Orange (aka flame red). 7. Sandy Blonde. 8. Regular Blonde.

Clothes: Hum, where do I begin? Skirts. GOSH! Girls if you knew what skirts did to guys…*starts to drool* Yes, they are nice…very nice. However there are some rules to follow with skirts. A. Slits, Front Slits: those just can’t be fun for girls to wear, really, they can’t be. You have to keep pulling them together to prevent skirt abuse. Side slits: No higher than just above the knee. B. Length, BYU standards apply, I really don’t want to see your thighs. C. Material, none of that black stretchy stuff, whatever it is…it’s not good.

While we’re on the lower half, pants, capris and shorts. Pants, good. Capris, bad. Shorts, depends.

Above the belt line, it really doesn’t matter so long as it’s not immodest; I rather enjoy the knit sweaters but not the ones with the funky neck folds. Those are just weird. Not too formfitting but that should go without saying in everything I’m talking about. I really hate the belly/back gaps… particularly the back gap, just don’t do it. Not really sure where to put this so this’ll work as it is something you put on. Perfume, wow, yeah, use it.

Other features, these are mostly things you can’t really affect. But if you have a nice one it’s always a plus. Smile, eyes, face, hands, neck…yeah and just about every other body part. If they’re nice…I like ‘em? But that’s fairly obvious…so uhm…yeah…I’m cool!
Well, this has been long enough so I’m going to cut it short and do the personality/mentality later. To sum it all, I like elegance, neatness; the girls who look competent. Not a fan of the fads, nor of the skater look. Yeah, so I’m going to cut this short, I’m not looking to get married any time in the near future and that’s why I date the freshman…anyone else might be looking for something…*narrows his eyes and glares*

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