An Elaboration of the Past

Well, the past few days I've been leaving random really cryptic posts on my blog. I've determined that it is time to explain why, to hades with who reads this, I've always written it for myself anyway and I NEED TO DO THIS. Otherwise I'll never really understand what's happening and I'll go crazy.

Tuesday, I met an amazing girl. Attractive, funny, etc., etc., all of the things you could ever ask for in a woman rolled into an amazing little blonde package. Well, I determined that I would ask her on a date and see if lAFS(like at first sight) was all it was cracked up to be. So I do, I ask her to go on a walk with me, she agrees and we make the needed arraignments for later that night. We went for the walk, had Ruby Thai's and I decided that lAFS was amazing, really just enjoyed the night, and was even more fully amazed at this girl. She seemed too good to be true--I guess that should be an indication. She climbed a tree for me, and we talked in it for a good long while, and then we watched the stars for a bit.

Thursday I went through the amazingly strange feeling in my stomach that I guess normal people associate with crushes, Yeah, I guess that's what it was. Anyway, I figured out an excuse to go and visit her and see her. The stomach flips went away for the night.

Friday: I had asked SHE if she would like to go up to a concert on Temple Square with me. She agreed. So we went. I made wonderfully yummy fajita's--which I finished right before starting this post--for dinner and we headed up to SLC with my roomie and his friend. We get there and things are going...so-so, not as great as I could have hoped for, but not bad. Well, we get into the concert after a minimum of hassel and we start listening to the music.

Let me explain a little bit about me and classical music. I had been expecting this to be a concert of bells...whatever that is, not classical music in my head. It wasn't. During my really depressed days I listened to classical music and showtune music(les mis and phantom), a lot. It came to depict the sadness that was inside of me in my head. Something only enhanced when I listen to it live. I thought I'd gotten over my past depression...but this music seems to be a key that connects the dark past with the present, and thus I avoid it generally.

Well, there I was stuck, I couldn't just walk out now, I had to listen to it. But I thought I could do it. A very nice piano piece that I enjoyed, then a trumpet piece which was alright... Well, it started going down hill from there, I don't want to say that the images came back to me, but I started getting those feelings that I'd had years before, and it was only 8 or 9 pieces into the concert. I knew I was in trouble, but I still couldn't leave. Then the Tennor started singing. He sang some song in another language and then, he sang the one from Les Mis that I posted earlier. It was the straw that broke the back, I couldn't handle it anymore, I had to leave. So I ran.

I ran to the restroom, and there all of the emotions that I'd kept bottled for so many years overwhelmed me. I felt dirty, I felt worthless. The scripture that always seems to come to mind in times like this came: "Who shall ascend to the mount of the Lord? He who hath clean hands and a pure heart." Well, I can't do anything about my heart, but I can clean my hands, so I washed them about nine times and drying them, still feeling filthy, go back. I see the granite that was hewn to form the temple and I just can't handle it. Those are clean hands, mine are still filthy, and I'll never have the faith, the hope the peace that they have. I'll never amount to the same things that these men did. I will never mean anything.

I go back to the concert and listen to the last few pieces. We then leave, SHE realizes something is wrong when I don't speak to answer her questions, she tries to cheer me up. Something that never works. Except that this time it did. I actually felt better. Then the night was over and I was left to the memories once again. But this time, SHE wasn't there to fix it, and I gave in.

The last few days those memories have haunted my waking thoughts, the lurk beneath my lids when I try to sleep. They are slowly eating away at my soul. Well, I can't handle it anymore, I already called uncle, but it didn't work, they are still there. No one can fix this, no one on Earth, and so I must now turn to he who suffered these things for me. I'm going to end this soon, I need to sleep tonight and I need Him before I close my eyes.

So, I've given up on SHE for now, I need Him before I can hope for a relationship and I can't live with these memories unless someone is there to take them from me permanetly. I'm really going to say uncle this time. But I'm going to say it to the right person.

That is all for now, may your sleep be peaceful and your joys full.

-Asmond