Rhetorical Questions

Sometimes I think I am my own worst enemy.

I look at the world around me and keep hoping for a girlfriend or a wife, why? Not because I want a family or anything like that...I just want to share my life with someone. I want someone who I like for who they are. Someone who will let me talk their ears off, who I can get mad at and they won't walk away. I want someone who will make me shed the tears I hide. I want someone who will be there for me when I want them, and when I don't. Someone I can talk to, and who will talk to me. I want to be part of someone else's life on a level where there are no secrets, I want to be able to wake up in the morning excited to talk to them, to hear what they have to say, and to share with them my dream, or my thought.

I've never had many close friends, never really met anyone who I can just talk to. I've always felt like I was on the outside of the shop looking in. Never included but always kinda there...Hovering around the edges. But I've always wanted to be inside. That's why I do some of the things I do, goad people into saying things, and doing things. Not because I dislike them, or think less of the,m, but because I want them to take notice of me...to call me up and ask to hang out sometime. I want them to call me out of the blue just to say hello, share some stupid story about spitting out the car and hitting your leg. And then go on with the rest of my day being reminded of them every time I look at that weird stain on my pants.

I can't remember where I heard this, and I know the quote isn't quite right but....

"The only universal human condition is loneliness."

I think it was while I was watching scrubs... In fact I know it is... when JD realizes that his Dad is just another guy, struggling to make it through life, a guy who sleeps on his couch when he comes to visit because he can't afford a hotel. A guy who goes off to visit an old friend not because he wants to see him, but because he might be able to sell him something, and he really needs to sell something.

I suppose one of these days I'll get over it, either in this life or the next, but I sure hope it comes soon.

-Asmond