Commiseration(The PBU)

>> Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I have discovered that, contrary to all rational thought, one can only emphasis with people who you share a common experience with. And thus it is with great excitement that I garner unto myself this most recent of accomplishments.

I was found worthy of one choice and particularly debilitating experience. The pre-emptive breakup. Now normally the word pre-emptive is used only with things like nucular missiles or Canadian domination over the world. As for break-up...well the word conjures images of broken hearts, angry phone calls, bitter words and various other forms of angst.

But the preemptive breakup is a wonderful thing, it's a girl (or guy) telling you, "Yeah, don't even think about it." You aren't even good enough to give it a try and SEE if it works out, you're straight up rejected! I'm going to admit, sometimes the PBU is needed...it's just really hard to tell when that's the case. To use the PBU when it isn't needed... Well, you can imagine the apolitical repercussions that particular chain of events might have.

Anyway, my particular PBU wasn't too bad, she came over, she dropped off food, then proceeded to have the PBU. The problem is that the PBU was so blatant, all the signs of a full blown DTR were there. "Hey, I need to drop this off, when are you going to be home." "Is anyone else there." "Hey we need to talk." Nervous walk, failure to make eye contact. It was almost enough to make me laugh, had I not be expecting it and fortifying my tender heart against it. After all, the only thing worse than a PBU that isn't needed is when the recipient of the PBU laughs when you deliver it.

But regardless, the PBU came, then she tried to skip out like a rabbit caught in the farmer's carrot patch. Which is understandable, but was hardly needed.

All in all, my first PBU went just dandy. It was still prior to making any emotional ties and I still have a good friend. And now, if you will excuse me, it's time for some rebound action.

Read more...

As I read.

>> Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I've been putting it of for long enough, it's time to open them again:

3 Ne. 23-24: "And it came to pass that it did last for the space of three days that there was no light seen; and there was great mourning and howling and weeping among all the people continually; yea, great were the groanings of the people, because of the darkness and the great destruction which had come upon them.
"And in one place they were heard to cry, saying: O that we had repented before this great and terrible day, and then would our brethren have been spared, and they would not have been burned in that great city Zarahemla."

I talks of people in darkness, and the pain--nay the anguish--that this darkness is causing them. Am I feeling that pain? It it the darkness that causes this? Is there a darkness upon the soul? These were those who were righteous and yet...they were given this darkness. And it caused them pain. Who am I to contend with such? Is it past the time of my repentance? No, I am still alive, I am still able to ask. Am I willing to do so?

3 Ne. 9:13 "O all ye that are spared because ye were more righteous than they, will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?"

Can you hear the pain in that voice? The longing? I have not yet been destroyed, he still wants me. Can I? Can I do it? Do I have that kind of courage? What does it take to be converted?

3 Ne. 9:20 "And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost, even as the Lamanites, because of their faith in me at the time of their conversion, were baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost, and the knew it not."

The conditions, the reward. Baptism, cleansing, fire, purifying. Faith, faith in what? In his ability to keep his promises, in his love, in his grace. Could he ever want me back?

3 Ne. 10:4-6 (sorta) "how oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not." x4

Is he saying that he does? He is. I suppose it's time to open up again, to him. I'm afraid of prayer, it makes me vulnerable. But I can't go on with the nothing.

Read more...

Dishes

>> Thursday, September 14, 2006

I really do think that it's impossible to be happy while doing the dishes--alone. Not because dishes are such a horrible task, but rather because it is a moment when your hands and body are busy but your mind is free to wander. It's a moment of reflection. It's a moment of depression. As you sit and scrub those dishes, you are able to think back upon the many failures of life, the foibles of youth, and the catastrophes of early adulthood. I am sure that later I will think of other things as well, but currently that's all that I have to think about...so that's what I think about when I do dishes.

I hate dishes, I hate the way it makes me feel--not doing the dishes...but rather just the fact that I think when I'm doing them. I realize that most of my blogs are rather depressing, but that's mostly because I only blog when I am depressed...otherwise I'm out doing things that are really exciting to me. So, take that into account as you read. The two month gap between my posts a while back is a good sign on my part. Now life sucks again. It's moments like this that I hate being alone. Doing dishes with someone is a great experience. I love doing it with someone, because you have a chance to sit and talk, while doing constructive things. It's probably one of the greatest things in life.

What am I saying? I hate being alone.

Read more...

100 Posts

>> Saturday, September 09, 2006

In slightly over a year and a half, I've finally managed to hit 100 posts.

It started in February, and this September...well, quite a few things have happened in between. I've changed, I wish I could say I've grown. Truth is, I'm in pretty much the same state I was in when I started this whole business. My major has changed, I have more friends, and more enemies, but when it all comes down to it, who I am...the core, is still the same. And I still don't like it very much.

Where have I gone wrong? What part of growing up am I missing? Am I supposed to stay stagnant for so long? Has it really been a year and a half of lost faith? Am I where I should be? Am I where I could be? What could I have done better?

Against the nature of rhetorical questions, I'll answer myself.

I stopped reading my scriptures. I've given too much time to different worlds and have forgotten the real one, it's responsibility that I'm missing. No, I should be much better. Yes it has, but there have been moments, beautiful moments, where you had your faith again...oh that it were a moment to last eternity. No, you failed to do your duty, you should be further, you need to stop **** and ****, and start **** again--Not to mention ****. See last answer.

Today Morgan said that my posts always made her want to be better. I don't know about that, I'm just trying to figure all this stuff out, but I know where I want to be, and this is where I share my thoughts on where that is, and how to get there. I want to be happy, and I think I'll never be able to so long as I keep looking inside mater for that joy. Happiness is not a quantity that can be measured, so why should it be found in things that can be? The same is true of all things that we find valuable, Loyalty, Love, courage. You don't see people walking around saying, "I have 325723 love today guys!" It's funny, the only way to measure happiness is to discover unhappiness. The same is true with love, and companionship. How I wish the world weren't so cold and alone. How I wish I could remember him.

Read more...

A facade

>> Wednesday, September 06, 2006

I just finished watching "Howl's Moving Castle" and I must admit that I quite enjoyed it. My head and heart are full right now. I'm not really sure what is going to come out so...please forgive me.

Lately, I have been attempting to overcome a rather disturbing illness that seems to have gripped me and refuses to let go. I have told no one, and I don't think that I'm going to tell you now. But suffice it to say that it is something that causes me no small amount of consternation. In addition to this illness which besets me I am afraid that I have fallen away from the one thing that truly makes me happy. My God. I have found many substitutes for this pleasure. But, none fill me up, none manage to...how do I say this, they do not complete me. Perhaps that is the secret in life, you are only complete when you are not alone. And the only person that can be with you always is God.

I have left him alone, and now I must seek him out.

A little more about my sickness: I am diagnosed with a chronic illness which I have no doubt will someday lead to my eventual demise. An addiction of sorts, not of the body but of the mind, it requires that I have infusions of chemicals in order to meet that addiction. It is this exact malady which causes me to run from relationships, which causes me to form so little attachment to the things of this world. You see, my foot has been one step outside the doorway leading to the next for so long that I've forgotten what it means to be here...fully here.

I don't expect anyone to understand this, and if you think that you do...well, you probably don't. The only way you would understand it is if I explained it to you, and there are few, if any, that I would feel comfortable doing so.

*wry smile* Just another layer of isolatism that I heap upon myself to prevent anyone from seeing me...I have a friend who has often said, "I think I know you better than most--if not all--and I still think that I see only 30% of what's really there." He is correct, he knows so little about me. No one knows me, and I fear no one ever will.

-Cam

Read more...

Missing time

>> Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Sorry that it's been so long since I posted last. It seems like forever, and that's fine. I've lost my laptop and have been 'borrowing' computer time while I have it late at night. Tonight I met a girl, we'll call her Hana (if you know me in real life, this is a pseudonyms, not a real one) she's great--one problem--she has a boyfriend. A fairly serious one. I don't really want to date her, mostly because of the boy, and I have no desire to break up a relationship that could possibly end in eternal bliss. But I have noticed how much I miss having a girl. It's little things. Like the scent she leaves on a pillow or article of clothing.

Like watching a movie and having something to lean on. Like not feeling so incomplete all the time--missing half of my mind. I miss the goose bumps when you see her again, the instant happy of her smile. I miss the consideration and expectations given to each other.

It's a thousand little things, these are things that I love about being in love. The sad thing is...I don't think Hana is getting those things with her boyfriend. And it scares me that she will simply 'go with the flow' and never get goose bumps, never have a stupid grin creep across her face as she thinks about him. I'm afraid she'll never be in love.

Read more...

Resonance (Four Svithes)

>> Saturday, July 15, 2006

Today, I walked a girl home from our apartment. Not because I liked her or anything of that nature, but because of whom I want to be. We talked about a myriad of things as we strolled the half-block to her apartment. Some of those truck home.

She said: intimacy is the only way relationships are anything but superficial. At the same time, I realized that the same is true of our relationship with God. In order for it to be anything beyond the superficial it must needs have some sort of intimacy. "Is there intimacy in our relationship?" I heard a voice speak in my head, and I realized the answer is no, at best we are indifferent friends that see each other and wave. What is intimacy? How does one cultivate that intimacy? Effort, lots and lots of effort.

As I walked back home, barefoot, I felt the warm cement with my feet and marveled. Although the sun had set almost a quarter of a day earlier, still the stones retained the warmth they held some of that warmth within them, and were willing, and able, to give some of it to me. The same is true with our immortal souls, no matter how dark we think the night has been, it is still a summer day, the warmth and love of Christ and The Father suffused our souls for millennium prior to our earthly entry into life. Some of that brilliance remains within every child here.

I often see new people I meet as jig-saw puzzles to be put together. If I can simply find the right pieces eventually I will be able to see how they fit together and have a complete understanding of them. Going along with 1, this removes the intimacy from the relationship, they are simply a logical puzzle that I can figure out given due time. I hate that side of me, and I hope that someday I might be able to fix it. To see them instead as people, with depths un plumbed that can only be shown by a guide, yes on occasion you can see a nearby cavern, but you never really know what is on the other side.

I stated earlier that I was walking her home based on who I wanted to become. I want to be someone who is genuineally concerned with the welfare and safety of others, not only physical but spiritual and mental as well. I cannot wait for the day when I shall see those around me and finally understand what all of those stains REALLY mean, I suppose I should get to work cleaning those, too much time spent looking for those flaws not enough time spent actually doing it.

Read more...

Happy Birthday

>> Thursday, June 15, 2006

To me.

Read more...

Svithe

>> Sunday, June 11, 2006

I am so grateful for the people whose company I keep. I look at the sterling examples of righteousness around me and hope that I can someday be like them. I am so very grateful that I have chosen friends that keep the standards of the gospel. I know they aren't perfect and I know that some may fall. But you know what? I'm not either and I probably will.

You know what they will do when I do? They'll help me. I intend on doing the same. Thank you.


-Cam

(Brought to you by the friends article in this month's Ensign, and the letter, "L")

Read more...

Stirred up...

>> Thursday, June 08, 2006

"For behold, the Lord had blessed them so long with the riches of the world that they had not been stirred up to anger, to wars, nor to bloodshed; therefore they began to set their hearts upon their riches; yea, they began to seek to get gain that they might be lifted up one above another; therefore they began to commit secret murders, and to rob and to plunder, that they might get gain." Helaman 6:17

I have lately been thinking that I have too long been in the shadow of ease. I have forgotten the stirring up. I realize that despite all of my 'difficulties' I have not in quite some time come across a difficulty that is actually, well...difficult. My life is one of ease and simplicity. I shirk responsibility and commitments and find pleasure in things that have no great purpose in life but the mundane passing of a preverbal hour. How does one deal with this? I'm not really sure...but I have some speculations. How does one cause their soul to feel again? I have numbed myself to what pains I might experience. I have a good job, I enjoy my room-mates...so...what?

My parents might be moving to Georgia. Does this bother m e? A little...I'm scared mostly. I hate to think of all of the many things that I should be doing and yet do not. I should be feeling some sort of pain, excitement and such. I know what caused this, Gemini. It always happens after I commit too much of my heart to a girl who then stomps it into the ground and grinds it to dust. And I'm falling for it again, a nice girl...but one who has shown no amount of reciprocation. I'm setting myself up for a fall, I can see it...but can I stand not to take the chance? What if it does work out? Is that worth the risk?

These aren't really questions that anyone else can answer and I realize this, but... the thing that I am most saddened by is the fact that while I was there...I heard her invite someone else on an activity that could very easily be considered a date. It hurt, an actually sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hate that feeling, I don't get it often, but at the same time I revel in it, it is emotion. That is what I desire above all else, emotion. Passion really. If I could have enough of that to fill my days I could have little else and consider myself happy.

A statement I have made several times on my blog...but it stands repeated. "If I only had a heart."

-C

Read more...

Motivation

>> Monday, May 29, 2006

Today I was talking to a girl, which in and of itself isn't particularly spectacular as I often talk to girls. But the problem is that I was talking to her one on one. I don't do well in one on one situations. I have a hard time looking at the person and then I talk too much and make a fool of myself.

So, there I was making a fool of myself (which basically means I'm talking too much) but that in the process she managed to see something that I try to hide as best I can. That I have no purpose. I really don't. She said I needed more motivation in life. I hate loosing so...I'm going to do it.

Read more...

I should be doing homework

>> Saturday, May 20, 2006

First, I'd like to say that I went to my first live sealing yesterday. I was terrified, if I didn't have the ring, I doubt I'd have gone. I'm not really sure why I don't want to be around people who are getting married but I don't. It was an old friend from highschool who asked me to be his bestman. Not too bad of a deal, in a mormon wedding the best man does little to nothing. I held the ring, I decorated the car and otherwise sat around and looked pretty.

It was also the first time I've been inside a temple in at least six months.

It's been a long year. I wish I could ask forgiveness for the other wedding I should have gone to, and didn't. But I can't, I was too afraid. I'm not afraid of the ceremony I suppose, but rather the temple itself, the commitments made there. I doubt I'll ever be able to do that. Gosh, yesterday at the reception as it was winding down I found myself playing with the four year old cousin because I felt like a piece of meat to be brokered out to the girls out there. So the little girl protected me. I'm sorry Rock Flower. Sorry to everyone else too.

-Asmond

Read more...

A week in Review

>> Sunday, May 07, 2006

The past week has been a busy one. I started class on...gosh was it only Tuesday? Three days is not a long enough break with my job. Waaaay not a long enough. You see the end of Winter semester and the beginning of Fall are our two busiest weeks of the year. We have to check in all the rental computers that are being returned. We had 1400 checked out, we now have 475. That's roughly a thousand computers that we had to check in, make sure all the parts were there, and then store until next fall. It was busy, and then I had a nice three day weekend...and BAM. Back in the fast life.

I've been leaving home at about 7:20, going to school until noon, then work until 5. Stay at work ('cause it's quiet and nice...and I have my programs there) until about 8 or 9, at which point I grab some dinner. Then I head over to Jason's for a few hours to work on class #2 homework. I do that until about 11...then repeat.

It's a busy life. And it doesn't appear to be getting any better until the end of Spring Term. But in the last week I managed to: Do all of my homework up until the stuff due next Friday for class #1. And the lab and two home works due for class #2 by Monday. Tonight, I'm going to talk to Gemini about my lying, we'll see how that goes. Hopefully there will still be a hope of an “us.” And I'm going to try and get a chapter or so of reading in for Class #2 so I can hopefully understand what the heck is going on, on Monday. We'll see how successful I am in the endeavor.

I went to Dad's Singles Ward (he is a 1st counselor) today and told them that I would be attending church with them from now on. This will hopefully mean I'll actually be going to church now--Something that I've been not doing as much as I should have been. I really like that ward.

In other news; I did it again. I hate these little failings, but in church today I realized some things that I need to do and I'm going to do them. I just hope this doesn't interfere with the wedding (not mine...). Thanks to all you people who have started or restarted reading my blog. It's nice to get comments every now and again.

Some clarifications from last post: This project is in reference to the blog--which was started about 15 months ago. The darkness that intersects the light is the Angel Moroni. The amphitheatre rocks, and the speeches are impressive only because I know all of the thoughts behind them.

-C

Read more...

Post 90

>> Saturday, April 29, 2006

So, I figured I'd do something happy for this my 90th post. Man, it seems like so many things have happened since I began this little project.

So, I'm going to share with you one of my favorite things in the world. Late at night, if you go to the north east side of the Timpanogos Temple and look up. There you will see a beam of light that has been intersected by a shaft of darkness in the middle. I love that spot. I'm not really sure why, other than the fact that I love that temple. It's one of my favorite things to do when I'm alone and need a little aid from above. And if you go just a block or two directly west of that point you will find the ampitheatre where I go and deliver my speeches. No one else is there to hear me (hopefully) but I find that my speeches there are the most spectacular things I've ever heard.

The topics range greatly but usually end up in shouted prayers to God. Both in thanks, and pain, in love and despair. My most heartfelt prayers are there with the temple lights just out of sight looking up at the darkened sky--just a hint of light in the far sky--it is there that I've fallen to my knees and cried unto my Lord. There is peace and calmness in those two spots. Those of you who know me will hopefully see that 'silly happy' smile on my face as you read this post. If those stones could talk...they would be able to share my entire life, my struggles and fears, my loves and dreams. I sincerely hope you all have places like these where you can go and feel that love, that peace. I pray that you do.

May you find peace in our Lord.

-Cameron

Read more...

Musings

>> Friday, April 28, 2006

Well, I'm not really sure what to write about. These past few days have been a blur of motion. One thing I've noticed is my interaction with those around me.

For example, the last few days, this will include such hits as; the blog party, dinner @ Ottavio's and Movie Night at JP's.

The Blog Party, what a wonderful night, I forgot how much I miss being around people who have sharp wits. I've been spending a good portion of time with people who are either too nice or simply not jaded enough to have a good verbal skirmish. Of particular note was meeting Th. who quite made the night, and made it very hard to leave the Fobcave.

Sorry, I can't finish this right now, so instead I'm going to talk about a few other things: I did it again. I can't believe it, I ignored all the warning signs, I ignored my own better judgement that told me to turn around. But I did it. And now I hate it, I cannot stand to be around people when I know that I don't deserve their company, what would they say if they knew? *sighs* One secret, I have one and I can't etell anyone. How I wish it weren't a secret, weren't an issue.

But it isn't, and I'm not going to do it again, so forgive me but I'm going to sign off now, God bless.

Read more...

Wicked

>> Wednesday, April 26, 2006

GLINDA

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:
I have been changed for good

I was at Gemini's the other night and her sister sang a song from "Wicked." It reminded me of how much I enjoy the play. So I went and 'borrowed' the soundtrack from my sister. And I've been listening to it for the last little bit, there are two songs in particular that have struck me anew. "No Good Deed" and "For Good" seem to me to be iconic of my life these past few months. Particularly the line, "Was I really seeking good, or was I just seeking attention?"

I wonder about that sometimes, am I who I am because I want attention? I don't rightly know, but the desperation in "No Good Deed" seems all too comprehensible to me. The emotion raw and exposed before the lens, how do I describe this...I don't understand it, I don't know how to fix this hole within me. I think I understand how Rockflower felt, a little bit more...

I don't know what I'm thinking, I don't know what to do with my life, I need some sort of direction I feel so alone. I hate what I've done, I hate the situation I'm in, and I'm trying to fix it, but I don't know how. I have done wsomething with Gemini that I know will tank that possibility. I always do this, I self destruct msefl. Why? Why do I do it? It seems so logical at the time, so...nessissary but in retrospect I know that it was a mistake. Not just one of those spilled milk mistakes, one of those, "The Titanic can take on a little bit of ice! Full forward!" kind of mistakes. I wish I could stop it, I wish I could believe what he said, I wish I didn't have to keep questioning and reproving. I suppose it all comes back to faith, Gosh dang it.

Read more...

An old book

>> Monday, April 24, 2006

I'm not exactly sure where the book came from, I remember the first time I saw it, I must have been...14 or something. It's a short book, only 106 pages with a big print and wide margins, but it's what got me hooked on romance novels. It's interesting how I can remember the event so clearly. It was summer, afternoon, I was in the living room bored. I found the book and I started to read it. I've never been able to find it again, and I was ashamed of it then, as I was tonight when I saw it again. (the cover is pink.)

Where am I going with this? Not really sure, I guess I'm just being a little nostalgic. It's strange, it seems like everyone is getting married this month. I'm to attend my first live marriage sessions, two in as many weeks. The best part of this...I actually feel like I'm worthy of going through the temple again. I miss it, I miss doing baptisms every Saturday. It seems so strange that it was almost a year ago that I stopped doing them, a wasted year.

With this school year ending I'm making a few new (school) year resolutions.

1. Go to the temple often.
2. Go to church weekly.
3. Pray fervently.
4. Attend school even when it is inconvenient.
5. Do homework.
6. Do service for other people weekly.
7. No more lies.
8. Allow myself to be depressed, and move on.
9. Live life without expecting another day with which to postpone repentance.
10. Allow myself to love someone.
11. Ask for help when I need it.
12. Write a little bit more.
13. Love.

Read more...

Gemini's Family

>> Saturday, April 22, 2006

It has come to my attention that I might need to give the girl referenced in "A girl to call my own." an online name so that I might address her with more ease. I had thought about simply recycling "SHE" but I don't think the original SHE would like that very much, and it might get confusing. So, in that spirit, I've decided to come up with a name for her... and without further ado... I present Gemini.

So Gemini and I have been doing some fairly serious liking (at least I have...and I'm kinda hoping that she has as well.) The night before last (meaning Saturday) I helped Gemini move from her current abode (sticks) to her temporary abode (north sticks). There I got to meet wonderful 2 year old little brother, Walton, Gemini's Mom, Replica, Pradagal and Gemini's Dad. Not to mention Grumpy the five month old youngest brother. The first little bit I entertained Walton while Gemini and her Mom cleared space in the north sticks for all of Gemini and Scottish(Gemini's twin) stuff in the basement.

Walton is a great kid and I had a lot of fun entertaining him, but I felt kinda bad because Gemini and I being there disrupted him and Grumpy's sleeping schedule and they were up till all hours of the night. We finished moving all the stuff about at around 11:00. At which point Gemini's Mom had so kindly provided a drink for myself, which was very interesting. We then got to talk to Replica and Pradagal as well as Gmom and shortly Gdad, with Walton and Grumpy making a few visits in to check up on the action.

I love Gemini's family. It's the kind of family I've always wanted and never really had. Which is not to say that I do not have a wonderful family--for I do. It's just...more open, more non-Woodruffish. I liked Gdad immediately and hope to spend more time with the entire family. I really do like Gemini for all these very strange reasons. I counted the other day, how many times I randomly thought of her. It was a large number that I'm almost embarrassed to think about. I already miss my 7:00 shift. The day just isn't the same when you don't start it off with a talk from last general conference. I should be getting my promotion next Monday, I want to go hiking after Finals and I need to crack down and actually study for a few of them.

Life is good, and I am content, which is more than I can say for myself in many months. Gemini has been a good influence on me. Until next time.

Read more...

Confirmed

>> Friday, April 14, 2006

Plans did in fact actually mean a date. I hate being right.

Why do the good ones take so much work?

Read more...

Plans

>> Tuesday, April 11, 2006

To answer Theric's question, I served in Fort Worth, Texas. Where it was often windy, my favorite experience was when our town was struck by a tornado. My companion and I went out and stood in the wind lashed rain, so strong you had to bend near to half horizonal or fall down, and then when the wind shifted direction, you'd fall to the ground and into a massive puddle that collected on everything due to the sheer amount of rain coming down. Yes, that was a good day.

I asked her out again today. She said no this time, but she give a reason (well...a good reason) she said she had, "Plans." And she texted me. Sometimes I hate the way communication works. I don't think girls understand what plans means to a guy. Plans means: I have a date with someone else. That's the only reason NOT to tell you what you're doing instead. But I don't get it, she claims to be anti-social, she askes me to go to lunch with her...all sorts of positive signs and then: Plans. Please give me something more, family plans, I have to work, ANYTHING but just plain plans. I think I'd rather hear, "A friend already asked me to go do something with him." than "plans." What a horrid phrase.

I don't understand girls, I don't understand myself sometimes, but I know I never understand girls. Myself I have this feeling that sooner or later things will work out an dI"ll figure out why I feel this, and why I feel that. But with girls there doesn't seem to be any logic, it's just...blech. Nothing, to go off of one thing means something and another means the same, but the first no longer means the second and the second means less than it did. The rules change before you figure them out and so you're perpetually two turns behind. When you do think you have a break...plans. Maybe I'll just go camping this weekend.

-Cameron

Read more...

The wind

>> Wednesday, April 05, 2006

There was a time on my mission that I was in dire need of some help from above. My companion and I didn't get along at all. I was new to the mission and still didn't understand how to teach. I sat one night and pleaded with God to show me what to do, to show me that he was there to give me some sign that the coming crisis was known and the he watched over me. The response I recieved was, in part, the wind.

He told me that when I felt the wind that he was thinking about me, when I heard it to know he was talking to me. So when I wake up on days like this where the wind catches at you and tries to carry you away with it, I smile I feel the goosebumps form and a tingling down my spine. I love to feel the wind, I love to have it whisper to me. How I wish it were always windy.

-C

Read more...

Jumper

>> Saturday, April 01, 2006

I sometimes wonder how long it would take for someone to notice I was gone.

I live a transient life, here a few days, there a few days. I think I could go at least three and have no one even realize I was missing. My room-mates would assume I was at home, my parents would assume I was at my appartment, Jason would think me busy. Would anyone else care? Would they notice? Maybe people would assume I just hadn't logged on in a while... I really think I could make at least three days without anyone noticing. Maybe I'll try that, see what people think.

Yes, I think I shall.

What a depressing thought.

Read more...

A girl to call my own

>> Wednesday, March 15, 2006

EG, if you've just read the title; unlock your jaw and smile. I don't mean I'm going to actually own her. I have come the realization that I want a girl who I can say, "That's the one, that's mine." Every bit as much as she has the right to say the same about me. But I don't want it to be meaningless. I want it to be amazing. I want to look at a picture of her and think to myself, I miss her...I miss her a lot. And for sheer longing and desire to be near her again reach out and touch her cheek.

I want to miss someone when I go to bed not having seen them. I'm beginning to feel that way about something and someone. The something is if I haven't read my scriptures, I miss them; I miss how I feel when I haven't done it that day. I love that. The someone is a tricky story; she's perfect, and I'd love to have her, the problem is that someone else already figured out that little secret. He purposed and then for some completely daft reason which I have yet to fathom he backed out. I don't get it. But I wish I could take his place, come back crying and say I'm sorry and have her take me back. Gosh I'm dreaming of ways to get the girl to take me back and I haven't yet figured how to get her to take me in the first place.

I think deep down, I'm a romantic...which makes life horribly disappointing.

-C

Read more...

>> Sunday, February 26, 2006

I am tired of being so alone in a world full of people.

I'm tired of realizing that I'm the one who keeps pushing people away.
I'm tired of not having the power to stop.
I'm tired of not realizing I'm doing it until it's too late.
I'm tired of being too proud to turn back and swollow my words.
I'm tired of having to appologize for things I've said.
I'm tired of this place.

If only I could have oblivion, I should like immortality, but what is the point of living forever if no one cares that you live? Oblivion is better, 'tis better not to exist than to lead a life that is never noticed.

I am sorry.

Read more...

Relationships

>> Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Lately I've been thinking about this a lot. And I think it goes along with my BoM study so I am using that time to write this...As I contemplate what I've just read of course.

I have a problem with relationships. I generally hit the self destruct button after a while and things just explode. I'm not talking about just relationships with girls, I mean with everyone. It is amazing that I'm still friends with J. It is the one hope I have in my life that I will someday be capable of having a mutually fulfilling romantic relationship.

Speaking of J, lately I've been hanging out quite a bit with his FHE sisters. Awesome girls. But I can sense...it's getting to that point. The point when I will do something that will offend them irrevocably and they will no longer enjoy my company. This scares me immensely. I need friendships in my life...

I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, I partly blame my mother and her New England ways for it... but not completely. I still take the blame for such simple things as my inability to keep a relationship past week two. I heard a quote once that said, "you can pretend to be someone you aren't for about a year, at that point, the REAL you will start to shine through." I'm not sure if the 'me' that I show to everyone after week two is the real me or simply the me that I throw at people in an attempt to not allow them to see the me that lies inside. I'm not exactly sure what is so wrong with the inner me that I cannot allow people to see who it is. I like myself most of the time. At least I think I do. Maybe it's just my fear of love.

I do not remember my parents ever telling me that they love me. I don't know if I know what that emotion feels like...I don't know if I would know how to respond to it if it did come to me. Maybe that is where my fear comes from, I've never been there before never been in a position where someone loved me and I'm afraid of it, and everytime it gets near to that point I try to throw up so much flack that they will never see me running away as fast as I can.

How does this apply to my scripture reading you ask? I'm not really sure, it has something to do with Zeniff and Amulek and who they lived their lives in a firm belief of some higher force. And because of that belief they were given power to do things in this mortal world. I want that belief, that firm conviction, I want the power to overcome the difficult things I am faced with in life. Armies, wicked priests, I need the power of the Lord to be with me, is it already? Maybe it is...I have J as a friend after all. A better friend I don't think I could ask for. If you're reading this, thanks J. Good night everyone, sleep well.

-Cam

Read more...

Gattaca

>> Wednesday, January 18, 2006

First off, a shameless plug. Watch the movie, if you know me and you haven't seen it, call me up and ask to watch it with me. I LOVE this movie. I watched it tonight, and it will be the cause of me staying up faaar too late...but I'm okay with that. If you haven't seen it, stop reading now. Call me up, and watch it before proceeding with the rest of this post.


Okay?


Good.


Now, for the part of the post that I really wanted to write. This is going to be a conglomeration of things from both the devotional on Tuesday (quite awesome by the way) to the watching of the movie tonight.

We are often found looking in another direction, away from the goal, the destination in life that we have. In the movie there are two main characters, Jerome and Vincent. Jerome by all standards should be the best at all that he does, he was genetically engineered to be that way. Vincent on the other hand...was not. Who in this story does everyone want to be? Vincent. Because he has something that Jerome does not, that cannot be given to us, he has a gift that cannot be hard-coded into our double helix. Vision. Dreams. Aspirations. Vincent sees a world where everything can be made possible, Jerome sees a world where everything is possible.

Suddenly Jerome discovers that there is something that he, 'isn't made for' that happens. He gets a silver medal. In an instant Jerome's world falls apart. Vincent never had a world, until he makes it.

I'm not sure where I'm getting at here, the worth of a vision, the inherent nature of driven people. I'm not quite sure. But I do know that I want to be more like Vincent--I want to be someone who dreams. "I got the better end of the bargain, I lent you my body, you lent me your dream."

If I could only be as passionate about one thing...

-Cameron

Read more...

To the quick

>> Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Someone just said something that hurt me. It hurt me alot. I'm not sure how this person managed to get inside my head so well as to break that wall of self-assurance which I give to the outside world, but they did, they managed it and I despise them for it. No, that's too strong, I hate myself for being what they accused me of being. And that is what hurts the most. Not because of who said it or how they said it, merely that it is true.

It's hard to confront those aspects of yourself which you don't like, to see them and have them so openly mocked and barraged with attention. They become painful sores on the concious, open wounds into which any causual passer-by may rub salt.

It is something that I will attempt to fix, but it's not easy, I don't want to do it, I don't want to change, to give up this aspect of myself, it is a defense which I have used far too long to openly cast aside in favor of more gentle friends. There was a quote that one of my Zone leaders required I memorize:

"I am convinced that missionary work is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy. We are The Church of Jesus Christ, this is the truth, and He is our Great Eternal Head. How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for Him?"

How I wish I could take the easy road.

-Cameron

Read more...

Post 70

>> Thursday, January 05, 2006

Well, I'm doing better than one a week.

I've been meaning to write this blog for a few days now. You see, the day after I wrote the last a thought occurred to me--I realized that I my problem extends to many fields. Friendship, video games, even my mission. I will now attempt to write out my thoughts on this matter, as they happened.

"I don't finish things. All of my relationships have just kind of pattered out. I rarely finish video games, and my mission." "Ahh, but you finished your mission." "Sure I did, that's why everyone asked me why I was home in November if I hadn't left until February." "That was one girl, and you finished your mission." "I know I tried to finish it, I know that when President called me up and asked how I felt bout going home I prayed, I know he prayed, I know I was released honorably. But I still only served 21 months."

"That doesn't matter, do you remember how you felt?" "Yes."

And I did. I remembered how I felt that day in the temple as I pleaded with the Lord to give me assurance that this was the right thing to do, that I wasn't just giving in because things had gotten too hard. I remember everything about that moment, where I sat, where I looked, who I saw, how I felt.

I don't know how to describe how I felt that day, words fail me, images fail me, only the triple bond of thought, picture and words can come close to describing that moment. But I can't share the last two with you, I can only give you the words. Let me try: Peaceful, light, fuzzy, warm, loved, loving, encircled, amazed, happy, somber, exuberant, full, jubilant, forgiven, bursting, awed, expanded, worthy, worthwhile. So many more, so much more.

I found a reason, a reason to change, and the reason was you.

It was that feeling, I want it with me all the time, I want to be like that all the time. I've only had it a few times now, once in my room late at night. Another in the temple looking into eternity. Another time, in the temple listening to it.

There is a quote, I'm fairly sure it's by Joseph Smith...but I could be wrong that says something along the lines of, "There is nothing that can change a man so much as the pure inspiration of the spirit resting up on him. Such moments cannot be forgotten, for they are spirit communicating with spirit." Those moments, those glimpses into eternity(I hate to use the word again...but what would work better, heaven? The Celestial Kingdom? God's heart?) they change lives, they are the reason to improve the reason to change, to act.

I count myself lucky that I have such moments to draw upon, and since that night I have often thought to myself when tempted: "Do you want to feel like you have the past year or like those moments?" And it becomes easier to make the right choice.

I think I finally have something to look forward too, I finally have some goal in life. I want that, I want it and I want to let everyone else have some of it as well. Not because of any love that I have for you all now...but for the love that I would have for you then...I know I could never live with myself there if I didn't share now.

A strange thread of logic, but it works in my head.

I pray that the people who read this will have had one if not more of these moments,remember them, hold them close and strive to seek more. Do what must needs be done to give them to you. They are worth any price.

-Cameron

Read more...

A problem discovered

>> Monday, January 02, 2006

It is currently 6:19

I don't know what to write. But I am listening to a Tarzan song and I am in the mood to write something grand.

Something philosophical... But because I have not the spirit it will probably just be some lame sophomoric post like most of the rest.

Have you ever wanted something? If I know my readership, (which...I don't,) then I know that the answer for most of you is a resounding KINDA! Okay, so this is written to one person in particular, and maybe more as I start talking. I my farewell letter to BB I told them that I had had a crush on 7 members of BB, I just made up a number but I realize now it's true.

KJ, KK, EHS, TL, LPL, SIL and PC. Most of those have happened in the last semester, and the list of crushes also includes: Library Girl, History Girl, History Girl2, Japanese Girl, Yeti, Cougereat Girl, CB Girl, Lil Sis. And I'm sure I'm missing some. What is wrong with me? Why do I have so many infatuation and so few romances? What strange personality quirk rules the realm of my consciousness that it forbids me from falling in love, heck from even taking a step.

I am forever stuck two steps in the light, looking, longing into the dark waiting for someone to appear long enough to reach out a hand and take it. And then trick, charm, bedazzle me into staying. Am I really so afraid of commitment that I cannot keep a relationship longer than a few days, a few weeks? Is it some character defect within myself that causes others to turn away from me? Or is it some interior flaw which causes me to run as far as I possibly can? It cannot possibly be in the girls to which I am attracted. There are simply too many of them to all share a common discrepancy in genetically engineered happiness.

One of the highest compliments I've been given in weeks, possibly years: "You know, you're really a decent guy."

Why can't I agree with her? Why is it that my first thought: Only because you don't know who I am. What do I hide from people? Do I hide from people? Yes, there is one thing I hide, one secret that only three people know of. Myself, J, and my bishop (In three forms, but the office only counts as one person). Is this what makes me feel so undesirable? Do I push them away because I'm afraid they'll get too close and then...find out about this? And then run so fast that I shall never catch up?

Is this so big?

Is it the reason I don't have the spirit? Yes. Is it the reason I hate sleep? Yes, it haunts my dreams. Is this the reason I am depressed? I don't know. Would I give it up? Can I? Should I?

Please don't jump to conclusions...this is serious but it isn't THAT serious. Oh that I could have a firm foundation to start from, a hope in that someday this could be gone forever. Then could I do it? Knowing that I wouldn't have to deal with it again in a month, a year a decade?

They say that you get what you want...maybe I don't want to live where families can be eternal. Not because of the families... because of who I would be, what I could do. God, it's so hard to pick up that book, so easy to turn here, to forget that anything outside of this world, this reality I've created for myself matters at all. Did he know how this would be? Did he feel this? How did he overcome it? For he must have had to, he never gave into the sin, he stood against the wind his entire life. Why can't I at least crawl into it?

Forgive me father for I have sinned.

-Cameron

The following are music quotes which I found interesting for one reason or another.


only love can enter here

Trust your heart, let faith decide.

"put your faith in what you most believe in." "A paradise untouched by man."

It is currently: 6:47

Read more...

My Christmas Letter

>> Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Dear God,

My name is Cameron, I know you know me, I live at ____ right next to ___________. Perhaps you've looked down and seen me? This Christmas season I have perpared a list of things that I would like; feel free to give me that which is just and deserved.

1. A passion for something, anything. I'm not particular, I just want a reason tto make me anxious to arise in the morning.
2. A realization that there is a world outside of my own head; and a willingness to care for those who share it with me.
3. A best friend. Someone who calls me up if they didn't talk to me the day before because they missed me.
4. Someone to whom I can't wait to talk to every day, hopefully the same as the person in #3.
5. The strength of will to do what is difficult-or undesireable, but right.
6. A job that I enjoy, with a group of people that make me want to be a better person.
7. To feel good about using my temple recommend and all that is entailed in that.
8. To like myself.
9. A knowledge of what I should do with my life and how I should get there.

I appologize if these are somewhat related and are difficult to resolve without giving me everything else on the list. I guess that's just my way of making sure you give me everything on the list. I hope you and your family are well this Christmas season, and that I shall be able to talk with you again before next Christmas, say hello to everyone for me.

-Cameron

p.s. I thought of a 10th, please forgive me.

Read more...

Chivalry And Christmas

First: chivalry. I am quite fond of it, but not the type that people do these days so much, I'll hold a door open for someone if it is more convenient for me to do so. (The one, rather strange exception to this is letting girls into my car...I always open their doors for them while getting in, I suspect it has something to do with inspecting the car to make sure there are no men hiding in there in an attempt to rape/kill them.)

That said; Christmas. I suspect the reason I have no attachment to Christmas is that I have no general attachment to symbols. I just don't care about them. If I want to do something nice for someone, I'll do it I don't care if it's their birthday, secretary day, weekday or holiday. I don't see a need for a day set apart to be particularly nice to people. Shouldn't we be nice to people every day?

I suspect this lack of reverence to symbols is one of my failings in life. I have no symbols I respect. Power, influence, wealth, religion, etc. I do not care for these things, I do not imbue them with any power over me because they are things which receive not but the causitory response. This lack of power-given objects causes my life to be one with little or no direction. When there is nothing in life that is of greater worth than anything else all that can be sought after is comfort, ease or constancy. But even those things are not really sought, but rather the natural result of doing nothing but what is absolutely needed to maintain life.

Why care about life when there is no vitalizing power in it. My favorite movies are things like Gattaca, Rudy and October Sky. Why? Because they all have characters in them which posses the one thing I lack: desire. "O god, I could be bound in a nut-shell and count myself king of infinite-space, were it not that I have bad dreams."

-Cameron

Read more...

Two Weeks Notice

>> Saturday, December 24, 2005

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've been thinking about the things that I need to do with my life, and how exactly I'm going to accomplish them. I've come to a few conclusions:

1. I cannot do all the things I want to do and still have a happy fulfilling life.
2. I cannot continue to do what I want to do or else I will never do what I need to do.
3. God has waited long enough, and I need to stop stalling.
4. I do not have the funds to make it through next semester without a job.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that I'm going to have to take some steps.

First, a breakdown of what I do with my time: Blog, BB, and C-Gaming; School; Church; Work; Social life-dating, hanging out with 'the guys.' In that list only the first category can go, and since it takes up the majority of my time as is...it's going to have to go. To that end, I am officially turning in my two weeks notice. Two weeks from today, on January the 6th, my blog will be erased. My BB account will be erased and I my Video games will be either returned to my home where they will be brought out on special occasions or sold.

Second, this has been solved by fixing #1.

Third, Part of #2, the time spent Blogging/BBing will now be spent doing homework and reading the scriptures; and if I get really ambitious...praying.

Four, I will get a job, hopefully an AM janitorial position, this will cause me to keep a regular schedule. I need this.

To quote, "I want to do great things, I just don't want to do them alone." If I continue down the path I am currently treading it will only lead to loneliness and despair. My only hope of salvaging something from my life is to stand and fight against the forces that are slowly sucking away my will to live outside of the four walls that are the edges of my computer screen. I will continue to write, I will continue to read a few blogs (read: My roomies and possibly girls to whom I am attracted) I will not post here. I will go to all three hours of church. I will go on a date every other week. I will stop my self-depreciating habits and begin to look for things that will benefit those around me. I will volunteer somewhere, hopefully somewhere that I can read to little children.

This is harder than I thought it would be to write...but I've always said no secrets, so... I will begin going to counseling again. I will attempt to have emotional attachment to people. I will do all of my school work early or on time. I will miss you all. I will never forget you. I will continue to write...but it will probably be on my story, instead of on here.

I will pray.

I will mean what I pray.

I will cry.

Thanks to everyone who gave so much to me here, I'm sorry I have to leave...but I hope you will understand.

-Asmond
(Cameron Boyce)

Read more...

White -> Black

>> Tuesday, December 20, 2005

It has come to my attention that I am: not as smart as I think I am, not as dilligent as I need to be, and nowhere near as good as I want to be. This realization comes with another, I have been identified as a white, but something Katya said made me think. You see, I don't test white. I test the way I want to test. What does that mean? I think I'm turning black.

Bah, stop your muttering, I'm not concerned with what you think I am. I know me, I know the reasons I do things, and I'm telling you, I don't care for anyone but myself. Sure I do nice things for others, mostly because I want to feel good inside. But the problem is there isn't anything left inside to feel. So I strive for some sort of passion--some release from the tyrany of emptiness--that will fill up the void within me; and nothing works.

Today I met a girl whom I thought I could enjoy spending more time with. The problem is I don't trust myself in a relationship. Not after Sunday. Not after that. I wonder if this is a multitude of little marbles, or just one, or even none at all. Perhaps it's time for me to go back and share. The only question I have is what should I share? I am an open person, I will tell you about me if you ask(it might take a few times asking...but it'll come) I just don't open up to people.

I'm begining to think it's because there is nothing left to open up.

Read more...

The Value of a Life

>> Wednesday, December 07, 2005

I took a test today, you know one of those stupid ones about what kind of person you are. One of the question, "Would you rather die, or let 10 random other people in the world die?" "A thousand?" I put yes, I'd die so that 10 or 1,000 others could live. But then I thought about it. How much am I worth?

Being someone who understands that the Gospel has been restored someone who can influence others to follow that path, is my life of more value than ten people who don't believe? Who don't follow? Ten murders? Ten children? Ten old men with one foot in the grave as it is? How much am I worth?

How much good is there to be gained by allowing them to pass onto the next world and allow me to stay here and preach the gospel to those who are also left to learn. Which is more important? Which choice should be made, yourself with all the flaws, and frailties, all the strengths and faiths; or the nameless masses? What happens when those ten become faces? When it's Renee the gentleman I baptized in my last area? When it's my sister? My child? My friend? My wife? How much does God value my life? How much repentance do I need to do to repay all the lost moments of my life where I forgot to be the brother, the saint I should have been?

I'm in a hurry to get things done. But it's all for me, I never look around and ponder, what can I do for my brother, whom I worry about. Or my sister who I can see walking the same dark steps I walked. Is it better that one man should LIVE than that a nation should dwindle in unbelief?

-Asmond

Read more...

Late night stories

Just something I wrote, and the quote that inspired it:

"Kids like Henry need a hero--courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us, everybody loves a hero. People line up for them, cheer them, scream their names, and years later they’ll tell how they stood in the rain for hours, just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them to hold on, just a second longer. I believe there is a hero in all of us that gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride. Even though sometimes we have to be steady and give up the thing we want the most, even our dreams. Spiderman did that for Henry. He wonder’s where he’s gone, he needs him."



“Take a seat, I hope you don’t mind waiting while I prepare some hot chocolate, it’s cold out tonight. It’s a cold season and I need the warmth. Please, sit, I won’t be but a moment. Here, have a mug, its not just these old bones what are cold on a night like this. Hear that; the wind, howling past the chimneys? It’s night like tonight that make an old man gather kin around and tell stories of time long past. Well, I don’t have any kin, so you’ll have to do.
“What would you like to hear? I’ve been around a long time, I’ve been in the thick of many things, some what seemed small at the time but which have been made great over the years. You see, life’s made up of small things that become great. You think that Washington living through it thought the war great? Perhaps, perhaps you sometimes get a glimpse—like Washington on the Potomac—that you are about great things. But still, the wind bit just the same.
“So, what will it be?
“Ahh, so you know a little about Luke do you? My grade school mate he was, a good man. You’d like to hear his story? Very well, sit down and make yourself comfortable it’ll be a long spell this weather and shut us in through the night and this is the perfect night for such a story.”
The old man sits, staring into his mug, before saying softly, “You’ll be knowing about Luke then. He was different, a tad different from the rest of us. You see, Luke wasn’t the smartest; he wasn’t the fastest or the strongest even. But he was a good man, the kind of man people like to be around. He made you feel important just by listening to you. There was something about him, an air perhaps he sensed in himself the power that was beginning to take shape. He always used to smile as we would fantasize about becoming great men in the world.”
“Would say, “Braden, I don’t think heroes care too much for their own adventures, they just do what needs to be done.” Oh yes, he said that a time or two. I see the look of surprise on your face, the books tell it a little different now don’t they? Lucas the Lumient always calm in the face of danger. Always there with the solution to every problem.”
Again the old man pauses to take a long swallow from his mug. Looking up as the whistling of the wind picked up again. “’tis a bitter night, the wind runs foul. Luke always said you could tell the day by the wind, but he heard things on the wind that normal folk don’t. I wonder what its saying now?” A long pause as the old man stares out the window listening to the ragged howling outside.
“I don’t suppose I’ll ever know, not the way Luke did.” A sigh, “No, I don’t suppose I’ll know quite like that. Luke would always listen to the wind, said it whispered in a language he could almost understand. Like when you could hear your parents talking through the door on Christmas Eve but could never quite understand what they were saying.”

* * *

Luke glanced up with a smile as Braden came rushing in his hair sticking every which way, “How’s Jenny?” He asked not really waiting for an answer before delving into his book.
“Good, good, how’d you sleep?” Lopsided grin grows beneath the helter-skelter hair as he dashes into the back room for a second coming back with both arms full of various food items and cooking utensils. “Anyway, gotta go, she’s waiting for me!” Braden shouts as he dashes out the door again and down the stairs, gone before Luke ever even registers the words.
The smile spreads wider on his face as he stands up to glance out the window to see Braden sliding his lanky body into the car waiting in the grey mist of it’s own exhaust. He turns back and throwing his book on the sofa walks over to the cupboard opening it he stares at the package of spaghetti and old cereal bars he bought months ago. Grunting he closed the cupboard door again, slumping back into his seat on the sofa.
Just as he did the wind rattled the windows.
“Kazoku ve irikitai len.” He sighed listening to the wind, puzzling over meaning. Always the wind spoke the soft swift words which seemed almost magical drifting to him through the shutters. Words he could almost understand, almost taste the meaning of.

Read more...

>> Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Tonight I re-accquanticed myself with Panini, awesome blog. It was one of those moments when worlds colide and you are left wondering what the heck happened to your life. Panini you see, was my TA my freshman year. I think she was a Junior at the time and is older, and taller than myself.

We, with a much smaller group of people than were supposed to go, went to watch Serenity. We got to the theater and Panini asks, "Is this a Sci Fi movie?" *nod* "We should watch Flight Plan." I had two problems with this. First, I'd read a review about it earlier that day and had no interest in watching it, at all. Second, knowing that I don't enjoy movies that the people I watch them with don't enjoy, I knew I wasn't going to enjoy it as much this time around. BUT, I'd paid to see this movie, and it just felt slightly morally wrong to just walk into flight plan even if 3/5 people didn't enjoy the movie very much.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about a lot of things, what the world is all about and how I'm supposed to fit into it all.

If I walked away today,
would it matter?
If I forgot to wake up tomorrow,
what would happen?
If I changed my choice yesterday,
would I still be alone?

When tomorrow comes will I be there?
When yesterday made it's mark did I contribute?
When today is over will I have made a difference?

Why did yesterday pass away,
leaving me with it's husk?
Why did today come around,
knowing that it's too late to fix?
Why did tomorrow pass between my fingers,
slipping through too fast to keep.



I think that's about it for tonight, I'll play around with that poem a bit later I'm sure. Sleep must needs come, too much thinking.

-Asmond Woodruff

Read more...

Zee Cold

>> Monday, December 05, 2005

As I have previously stated, I hate the cold. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't one of my typical, "I hate" statements. No, I actually mean this one. I hate cold more than I hate mushrooms and the smell of raw fish, and that pringly sensation you get in your legs when the blood rushes back into them. More even than I hate confronting people when I know I'm in the wrong.

This is a hate that runs deeper than oceans. This is a hate with such passion that the stars themselves quiver and quell in fear of being burned in one fell swoop consumed in my angers fire.

Yes, you are beginning to understand my deep loathing for the cold. I despise it more than anything you can imagine.

Why do I carry such deep anti-affection for cold temperatures? Well, I blame it all on the fact that as a child I got bronchial asthma, basically when it's cold...I can't breathe. Then of course I got sent on my mission to Texas where I was the glad recipient of wonderful warm temperatures. Until February when it turned cold, cold and humid and I had to ride my bike around in that temperature. It was so cold you could spit and hear the ice shatter when it made contact with the cement. It was so cold I would puke just to get some sort of movement in the bowels.

And then I came home to Utah and it was cold, but not wet it didn't penetrate. Then it turned summer again and I realized...being cold is stupid, the only reason to be cold is if you go to hell. Which is enough of a reason to repent in my mind. Other than that, I will turn the heat up to 80 degrees in my apartment, I'll huddle in sweaters, jackets and blankets, and then when all is said and done and I can leave this place that gets cold I'm moving somewhere warm... Like maybe Sol. I think I'd like it better there.

Read more...

Hellfire...

>> Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Jumping the bandwagon...

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Extreme
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)High
Level 2 (Lustful)Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Read more...

Strange Properties of Snow

As you all know, it snowed Monday. Now, you will note that I have an intense hatred for being cold--which has decreased as of late...ever since my Mom showed me the coat I had forgotten about...ahh wonderful coat you are...I love my coat--this is only intensified if there happens to be snow on the ground, or the air. It gives me a greater desire than is completely holy to get out of said snow and cold and get into something warm.

Well, some of you that have been to my house may know...that I have a rather steep driveway. And by rather I mean it's probably at least a forty five degree angle. For a good 30 feet at least. The one good part about it being cold and snowy is that I can slide down my driveway. A very enjoyable thing. You see the snow melts as your-relatively-warm shoes touch it, causing a very small layer of water which creates an almost frictionless surface which you can use (The effect being called Hydroplaning), in combination with gravity and momentum to propel yourself down said driveway. Kicks, giggles, smiles and laughter ensues.

On Monday morning I had done just such a thing. Well, upon the completion of said trip down the driveway I jumped into my car as to avoid being in the cold air too long. And started driving. Now, in order to get out of said cold fast and get to the really important part of the day-going to history and seeing attractive history girl-I was driving at what could appropriately called an expedient pace.

unfortunately, my car saw my earlier fun with the driveway and decided it would like to do the very same thing.

And so it was, that careening around the bend between 8th N. and University in Orem my car put it's horrible plan into action. The hot tires made contact with the compressed snow of the busy street and made that delightful layer of water which allows one to glide, almost frictionless, across that very narrow road. And thus it was, that I became a horrible participant in my car's unruly actions, in an attempt to correct his misguided efforts I turned my wheels and applied the breaks, but to no avail he was having his hay-day and would have none of my correction.

That is until George stepped in and put an abrupt stop to the fun. George of course...is the wall on the southwest side of the road. He met Gusto's (my car) front bumper and ripped it to pieces, which caused a haphazard twist and plummet into the brush on the northeast side of that road, which thankfully enough was about the time that Gusto had run out of momentum. And I came to an abrupt stop.

Getting out and surveying the damage that George and Gusto's fight had caused I realized the Gusto had most certainly come off the worse in the bargain. My bumper is gone, or at least...bent at a rather grotesque angle which strangely pointed to the sky above, the ground beneath and forward all at once. And so bending it back into some semblance of natural form, I drove home shaking my foot pulsing on the pedal and promptly set up my computer and wasted the day away playing Sims 2. Reality just needed to be gone for a bit.

-Asmond

Read more...

The Girl of My Dreams

>> Thursday, November 24, 2005

Have you ever seen THE ONE? As you listen to her talk she exudes something that makes her simply glow. Her enthusiasm for life, the gospel, her career, and everything of good report that comes within twenty miles of her train of thought overpowers even the darkest moments and leaves you breathless waiting for the next radiant beam of light to hit you?

Not only does she have that personality that blows your socks off and leaves you hungry for more, but she also has a body that puts Aphrodite and Venus to shame. You know the girl I'm talking about? The one who everyone is secretly in love with because she is amazing in every possible way? I found one of those today.

And I hate it. I hate it beyond all possible measure of thought, I know that no matter how hard I try I will never be an equal for that yoke. Push, prod, cajole all I want, I will never get my tongue, thoughts, and body in line enough to rise to such a seraphic state. So instead I will continue to dream that sad, lonely dream where I am the kind of guy she would be interested in, my 6.5 looks have turned into an Adonis-like 9.5, my wit an study in precise incision, my honor unimpeachable, my kindness the highest benevolence, my love-magnanimous. Yes, that is the dream that I will dream tonight.

And I shall be thankful for it while clinging ever more tightly to the hope, someday I might actually get there. Yes, thank you--LORD--for hope.

-C

Read more...

Fringe Walking

>> Thursday, November 17, 2005

I love fringe walking.

What is fring walking you ask? I'll tell you, fringe walking is when you are in a large group of people walking in two different directions at the same time. If you don't want to go the same speed as everyone else you have to walk on the fringe.

There is an art to walking on the fringe, I've seen people try...and I've seen them fail horribly and every now and again you see an expert, someone who just seems to leap forward ahead of the crowd. They are graceful, amazing and throughly entrancing to watch. And if I say so myself, I'm one of the best of 'em.

I weave, and dip and dash and dart. No one can come in my way as I run through the middle of the crowd, the edge of the people going my way the edge of the people going the opposite, one wrong step and I could land myself some serious bruises as I get myself trampled by hundreds of eager students on their way to class. But I've never fallen, never been hit hard enough to send me reeling, bouncing back and forth between the relentless hoards of people all keeping a careful foot apart from each other to the front and back and four inches to either side.

It's those four inches that I work, four to one side, four on the other, you can push people to give you an extra eight inches, totally 12, just enough to push your way through. And I love doing it. It makes me feel alive, knowing I'm that close to death...I can't wait for tomorrow...when I can run the fringes again.

Read more...

Reality

On Blue-Beta they thought up a list of all the weird quirks about ourselves that our future spouses will have to deal with...and so...here is my list:

1. I like to argue, I argue about everything, I'm occasionally wrong but won't accept that fact until it's been beaten out of me or I'm far enough removed from the event to not have a pride issue with it.

2. I can't stand dishes in the sink, or messes that can be easily cleaned up. And I hate cleaning up after other people who know how to clean.

3. I like video games, and play them. You're going to have to accept that and you don't have to, but I'd love it if you played along.

4. I hate doing laundry, and will only do it when there are NO other clothes.

5. I enjoy movies, an occasional movie will be watched (I mean like...once a week).

6. I like to cook, but it takes a lot out of me, and so more often than not I just throw something together. I love spicy food.

7. My things are my things...I don't share well. But I don't expect you to share with me.

8. I think going through a roll of TP in less than a week to be a waste and will secretly despise you for it.

9. I hate, loahte, compleatly despise cold weather. I would rather die of dehydration in a desert than freeze to death.

10. I hate vacations, I hate leaving my house...until I leave then I love it, you'll have to push to get me out the door.

11. I don't talk about my problems, I don't know how. If you ask me to do it, I'll get frustrated and shell up even more. However I can and do write my feelings down and you may read my journal at any point you want to know how I'm feeling.

12. I hate going to bed before other people, and I love to dream but the time spent in bed is directly purportional to how depressed I am at any given point in time. If I get more than about 8 hours, something is wrong.

13. I secretly want to be Agnostic and will occasionally try to act that way but can't seem to let myself actually be one for long, and I think it one of my greatest flaws in life. You'll need to kick my butt into shape and then help me forgive myself.

14. If you try to bring emotions into something I won't accept it as a valid argument.

15. I love novels but don't try to get me to read an intelligent book.

16. I hate dancing, I hate being in large groups of people that I don't know. I will usually go silent when I'm not happy in these groups...it is not a good sign.

17. I am a recovering compulsive liar...I always had to be the center of attention and kept that attention by lying through my teeth. Still like the attention, but am working on the lying part. Incidentially I don't like about what I am...just what I've done.

18. I love talking in accents and will probably break into accents infront of you.

19. I love making faces in the mirror, singing along with music and eating with ohasi.

20. I don't like beef, and will pick chicken over it anyday...unless you're talking about my Mom's Beef Stew, at which point no food trumps it.

Read more...

I've Fallen

>> Monday, November 14, 2005

I've fallen.

I'm not sure that I want to stand up.

Tonight I watched Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith. I LOVE that movie. It is so increadibly amazing. I feel like Anakin sometimes, but then I realize that I have never had the sort of passion that he displays in every instant, that is right up until the end when his heart breaks and he is filled only with anger...and even then he has more passion than I do.

I'm reminded of a movie: "All that anger is going to burn you up someday." "It keeps me warm." Points to whomever can name the movie. I should watch that again.

I've been running for quite some time now, running from a 55 year old man with a stigmatism in a suit. I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't want to have to see him. I didn't want to talk about it. But I got trapped into, I wasn't going to go, I wasn't going to tell the truth, I wasn't going to try again.

God have mercy on my soul, it's going to need it.

-(Asmond's real name here)

Read more...

Halloween

>> Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I just thought I'd take a moment and post on all of the wonderful things that happened this past Monday. First off, my favorite constumes:

1. The Storm Trooper
2. The Authentic WWI soldier
3. The grown up man wearing a Tigger costume
4. The Storm Trooper, again, man that kid was freaking awesome.

Second, I got to watch Gremlins, I think it's for the first time ever...because I don't remember hardly any of it, I must have only watched Gremlins 2. And to make this complete, I must quote:

"It happened when I was 8, one christmas eve my Mom and I were hanging tinsel on the tree, waiting for my Dad to come home. It got later, and later, and he didn't come home. So we started a search party out looking for him, it was horrible, we couldn't stop crying. We waited four or five days, but no sign of him, and the house was freezing. So I went to light a fire, that's when I noticed the smell. So we called the fire department. We were expecting a cat or a bird or something, but when they broke into the chimney they found my Dad. He had been climbing down the chimney presents in both arms and slipped and fell, he died instantly. And that's when I found out there was no santa claus."

Ahh, wonderful. It was simply splendid.

Read more...

Exceeding Expectations

>> Saturday, October 22, 2005

Well... I think It's over, it started on about September 12th...and it is now over. My blog will now return to the state it should be. I appologize for the mess the past few weeks. Life will get back to normal again.

Things that I've been asked, and the answers I give:

Are you okay?
Yes.

Do you regreat it?
No.

Why?
Because I learned from it.

Are you over it?
Depend on what you mean by over it I suppose... I don't think I'll ever be 'over it' in the sense that I won't care that she is hurt or in trouble. But I am over it in every other sense.

I think that's about enough for now. Be good all.

-Asmond

Read more...

Was it...

>> Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Was it because I never had a chance? Was it because I was mean? Was it because I was too easy? Was it because I didn’t dress well enough? Was it because I wasn’t rich? Was it because I never needed anything? Was it because I was religious?

There are a thousand ‘was it’s’ going through my head right now. I don’t know why, I don’t understand the reason things turned out the way they did. I tried my hardest, what is so much better about him that he was preferred over me?

I need to just get rid of this, I need to get over her. Why should it matter? I know the reasons I chose not to pursue anything further. I can rationalize these things away in my head all I want, but the fact of the matter comes down to the fact…I still have hope I still haven’t gotten over it. I’ve gone on dates; I hope to go on more dates with some of them. But…

It’s hard to argue with your heart.

-Asmond

Read more...

Ruminations

>> Friday, October 14, 2005

Here I am, at a computer at 12:36 am on a Saturday wondering to myself why I keep doing it? Why do I keep banging my head against the wall, and with each ever so slight crack I renew my energy four-fold...but is it worth it?

There are soo many roads for me to pick, how do I know which is right for me? How do you fight against 12 years of experience? Which path do His steps take? There have been soo many travelers on these roads, it was so long ago that He walked them. Do I take the first step, do I dare to step into the dark to put that much faith in God that there will be some ground there for me to land on? I tried to walk away, it didn't work. What would be best for the other people involved? Where do I find the answers? I feel stupid, I just wrote an entire post trying to help someone else with their doubts, but there still lurks somewhere on the edge doubts just as large and strong.

But at the same time...there is no doubt in my mind I have faith now, something I don't think I've ever had before. I have faith and now I need to make the sacrifice. Can I give that much?

Read more...

Answers to a Question

>> Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I apologize to everyone but this post is going to be remarkably religious. This is intended as an answer to several of my friend’s and their wonderment at the church and it’s lack of ‘factual proof.’ Actually in an attempt to categorize all of the things I wanted to talk about I went through and realized that I only have the patience for one such reply, Sorry BAWB…plus Smurfs did it soooo well.

So, this will in fact be a response only to Belcinismo
Here you go:

Hypocrites among the Members of the Church

Okay so perhaps you didn’t put it quite so harshly…but that is what it boils down to. The fact of the matter is, that unfortunately not everyone in the church is perfectly converted to the gospel. Thus, we all have failings, some of us make those mistakes early and in fixing them acquire the knowledge of repentance, and the pain that it brings, as well as an empathy for those who are going through similar circumstances. Now a problem arises when people ‘don’t make mistakes.’ Note the quotation marks. Everyone makes mistakes but sometimes they're smaller; and when they are smaller its easier to explain them away or go through a ‘mini-repentance’ process (Something that I don’t believe in, I think that these are some of the hardest sins to repent of, because it is most difficult to feel the sorrow that is needed to truly repent.) And in this state of near perfection, look down on those who have made larger mistakes.

However, they don’t realize that a violation of the law is a violation of the whole law (James 2:10). And are thus as eternally damned for lieing as they are for murder. In this state of non-awareness they can rationalize away their harsher view of others based on a misguided conception that because their sins are ‘smaller’ they are somehow less in need of the Atonement. And somehow that makes them superior.

Deemed my goals and dreams unacceptable. (girl becoming a doctor)

I had to do a little more background research (I read the entry right before this one) but I discovered that your, ‘goal and dream’ is to become a doctor and thus will base my reply on that point and gender roles in general.

On becoming a doctor, I have nothing against it, in fact I believe that if you have the talent and ability it is your responsibility to do it. That is a very noble profession and one in which much is required and little is given back—when done how I think it really should be done. That aside…gender roles in the church.

Being male I’m can’t really empathize with you, but I do know that within yourself you have conflicting emotions about this, again from the last post. I think that we can say what in general is best for children(a mother at home, while the father brings home the bacon and spends quality time with his children)…but what is best in specific for YOUR children…I don’t know. That is something that requires a personal relationship with the Father and a lot of prayer. Which I’ll talk about under the faith and answers to prayer section.

Desire for intelligence and independence –nearly sinful stigma

I guess I don’t really understand this question… I suppose that there are some people who can see life this way, but I personally am looking for an intelligent and independent girl. I don’t want someone who blindly follows the herd, but rather someone who can go head-to-head with me and come out on top--sometimes(I do have an ego to keep inflated afterall). But I do know people/men who want to have a wife like the person I’m imagining, and I’ve had a friend who thought that was what men wanted out of her to the point that she became it. And it was infuriating talking to her…she always agreed with what I said even if I changed positions half-way through a ‘discussion.’ (One can hardly call them that.)

Why would God give me abilities he doesn’t intend for me to use?

See above answer on goals and dreams. But also: D&C 6:10, which is a passage given to Oliver Cowdry when he was questioning his faith. Gifts are given to be used you might not know how the Lord wishes you to use them, but take advantage of them and sooner or later that use will become apparent. Another interesting note to remember, your gifts are, in a large part, a result of your actions and choices in the pre-existence.

Feeling at odds with things that the church teaches.

Tell me what you feel at odds with and I’ll decide if you’re going to hell or not. No in all seriousness…there are things we all struggle with understanding. For me, doctrines like polygamy and the atonement(not that it exists but the justice in it.) These are there so that we can excercise faith. It requires a measure of sacrifice to step into the dark, not knowing the how or the why.

‘Expected’ to condemn people for things ‘they cannot control.’

Who ever told you that you are expected to condemn anyone? I’ve been told lots that I’m not supposed too… but judging others would make things sooo much easier. As for thinking ill of those with homosexual desires I disagree. I have several friends that struggle with these ‘things they cannot control’ as you say. It’s a challenge they were given, the desires are things they cannot control, but their own actions based on those desires are under their complete control. And just as my desires must be curbed sometimes their desires must also. Hum, re-reading that it seems rather callous, but I don’t know how to make it sound nicer, just as I struggle with the desire to sit in bed and do nothing but dream, or play video games all day (signs of a deep depression in Asmond), others must sacrifice their wants and desires to follow the Gospel path. It isn’t what we sacrifice that is important it is that we sacrifice, and the reasons we do it.

As for supporting those who ‘deprive them of ‘normal lives, equal rights, and loving relationships’’ Your attraction doesn’t guarantee a happy relationship under any circumstances. It is possible to love someone without physical attraction though, in fact I’d say that it’s impossible to love someone because of physical attraction. Equal rights? I don’t get that, what right do they not have which we do?

Family in the plan…

As far as where your family fits in the plan…I don’t know, I don’t know your family and I don’t know the whole plan. That makes ellaborating these things difficult. However I think generically speaking, your family is loved by God and he has placed you and them, here in the situations which are needed-both the trials and the blessings-in order for you to make the needed sacrifices to obtain sufficent faith in Christ. And thus allowing you to be cleansed from your sins, pains, weakness, and concerns--To enter into the presence of the Father.

Ideal is a rarity.

Yes it is, that is why it is called the ideal. In fact it’s impossible. That’s why it is an ideal. We cannot achieve it, but we can strive to be as close to it as possible. There are people who achieve lives that from the outside looking in appear to be very close to the ideal, but they aren’t perfect and there is still much room to cover before they get there. In this goal we must look upon our own insufficences to act in a manner that is anything less than our best as a failure. The problem comes in when we start comparing ourselves to others and making judgment calls. Sound familiar?

Less-than-ideal situations looked down upon or patronized.

See above for the looked down upon. Being patronized isn’t really a bad thing…it just means that they want to help you, and don’t know how. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Faith, why it is needed? And why don’t I get a response to my prayers?

A biggie. First of all, we must understand what Faith is. There are several definitions which are good. A motivating confidence in God. A belief in things which are not seen which are true. The hope of things unseen. I don’t like them though, they are incomplete. There is something missing in all of them, even together there is something missing. Faith is a hope that God is there, and that he will be able to do the things which he promises us, that hope then motivates us to act in such a way so as to reap the results of those promises. But it is more, more than just the words that I tell you, it is…beyond my ability to explain it must be felt. It must be experienced. One that I only recently came to enjoy.

Why don’t you get a response to your prayers? Could be a lot of reasons, my very crude guess is that you lack faith in his ability to answer you. Answers to prayer require that we first believe that there is someone out there who loves us and is willing and able to answer us. Something I struggle with, something I think everyone struggles with. We have to have faith in his ability to answer us before he can. But at the same time…we are given experiences and answers to help us strengthen our faith to the point that we can believe, I guess you could say that to the point that our faith allows he answers us. Joseph Smith had great faith, and the Father and the Son appeared to him. I have a realitivly small amount and I simply recieve thoughts, impressions, concepts that won’t leave me alone. One one or two occasions which I hold very precious...the thoughts were almost like words whispered to me. But feeling the spirit takes some delicate sensibilites.

I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone with these answers…that was not my intent. I also thank anyone who has read this far. It has been something I learned from. So I pray the spirit may accompany it. What I learned goes along perhapse with something I studied today.

“Yea, it is the love of God which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all other things.
"And he spake unto me, saying: Yea, and the most joyous to the soul.”

The correction is important. It is this love that is desirable, it is the very source of happiness in life. The gospel isn't something you can dissect, it isn't something you can twist and turn and take apart. It must be studyed in it's entirity. Then allowed to become a part of us, a part that forever changes the course of our lives.

-Asmond

Read more...

My room-mates are the greatest.

>> Tuesday, October 11, 2005

And by room-mates I mean all but the mean purple one. I don't like him one bit. Okay, so maybe I tolerate him and even enjoy his company SOMETIMES. So aside from mean purple room-mate, here-after known as: Murple, I LOVE my room-mates.

Take Gordo, he's the long-term resident, and quite the good kid. Not the best of the room-mates which I have, but he provides me with entertainment on occasion, cleans on occasion and bought a TV so that I could play PS2! Go Gordo! (And yes, I do call him that to his face.)

Next, Smurfs. This kid is just amazing. He has a testimony and it's something that is actually discussed quite often around him. He sees through me more often than not and always understands what I'm saying...even when I'm being (what I think) is super cryptic. I suppose I should get some lessons in being cryptographic from SHE...her blog is freaking impossible to read unless you possess the Urim and Thummin. Anyway, back to Smurfs. Yes, he is a little messy but he at least keeps his mess on his side of the room, whereas I scatter mine throughout the house and my side of the room is immaculate. His is concentrated. And he isn't ashamed of that and I love him for it. (If you steal my laundry baskets and leave them blocking the door again I swear I'll eat you though.) He's a good friend in times of need and always there when you need him. I'm jealous of him in a lot of ways, but we all have challenges ne?

BAWB...where do I begin. He is simply amazing as I've been writing this I've been eating some Nachos that he brought home. Amazing kid, I don't know how he became so completely self-less but I wish I could be more like him, I'm far too stubborn most of the time. He thinks he is confused about the gospel and what he is to do with his life, but he just thinks too much. He's got the basics down and, much, much more importantly, lives them, he just needs to work on faith. Ahh, and yet another example of why I love BAWB, Gordo just walked in and asked where I got the nacho's...BAWB instead of coming out of his room, IM'ed me with where he got them. I love it. And thanks again for the Nachos. They were much better than my cup-o-noodles.

On a side note, spent some time with SHE, she told me to go straight home and into bed after drinking some 'erbal tea. And I'm glad she did, because I was feeling in a disobedient mood, so I took a long way home (about two miles longer than the 3 blocks from her house to mine), drank the tea (ewwwwwww), and stayed up another two hours. I love being disobedient.

--Asmond

Read more...

An old new friend

>> Monday, October 10, 2005

Well, the old friend is back, I'll be seeing him once a day for who knows how long, I can't believe it came to this.

Read more...

About This Blog

tracker

  © Blogger templates Sunset by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008

Back to TOP