Relationships
>> Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Lately I've been thinking about this a lot. And I think it goes along with my BoM study so I am using that time to write this...As I contemplate what I've just read of course.
I have a problem with relationships. I generally hit the self destruct button after a while and things just explode. I'm not talking about just relationships with girls, I mean with everyone. It is amazing that I'm still friends with J. It is the one hope I have in my life that I will someday be capable of having a mutually fulfilling romantic relationship.
Speaking of J, lately I've been hanging out quite a bit with his FHE sisters. Awesome girls. But I can sense...it's getting to that point. The point when I will do something that will offend them irrevocably and they will no longer enjoy my company. This scares me immensely. I need friendships in my life...
I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, I partly blame my mother and her New England ways for it... but not completely. I still take the blame for such simple things as my inability to keep a relationship past week two. I heard a quote once that said, "you can pretend to be someone you aren't for about a year, at that point, the REAL you will start to shine through." I'm not sure if the 'me' that I show to everyone after week two is the real me or simply the me that I throw at people in an attempt to not allow them to see the me that lies inside. I'm not exactly sure what is so wrong with the inner me that I cannot allow people to see who it is. I like myself most of the time. At least I think I do. Maybe it's just my fear of love.
I do not remember my parents ever telling me that they love me. I don't know if I know what that emotion feels like...I don't know if I would know how to respond to it if it did come to me. Maybe that is where my fear comes from, I've never been there before never been in a position where someone loved me and I'm afraid of it, and everytime it gets near to that point I try to throw up so much flack that they will never see me running away as fast as I can.
How does this apply to my scripture reading you ask? I'm not really sure, it has something to do with Zeniff and Amulek and who they lived their lives in a firm belief of some higher force. And because of that belief they were given power to do things in this mortal world. I want that belief, that firm conviction, I want the power to overcome the difficult things I am faced with in life. Armies, wicked priests, I need the power of the Lord to be with me, is it already? Maybe it is...I have J as a friend after all. A better friend I don't think I could ask for. If you're reading this, thanks J. Good night everyone, sleep well.
-Cam
4 comments:
I feel the same way. We're in the same boat really. Only my problem is that I can't even get into a relationship, much less have one last more than 2 weeks.
Hmmm, interesting, but you're wrong and you know it. You have many relationships with many people, even if you're not aware or acknowledging of them. People are people, and that's it. We are what we are. And often, that's more obvious than we think it is. Ok?
You haven't permanently offended ME yet. 'Course, you probably don't care... =P
I live in Salt Lake too so I'm not around. I have popped by your place a couple times but you weren't there.
I love you, buddy.
Sure, you are weird and you get upset when no one means offense, but you're also very introspective and intelligent and have great taste in music and movies and I know that deep down you really want to be good, even if you don't know it. So buck up, li'l camper. Feel the love.
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