Gemini's Family

It has come to my attention that I might need to give the girl referenced in "A girl to call my own." an online name so that I might address her with more ease. I had thought about simply recycling "SHE" but I don't think the original SHE would like that very much, and it might get confusing. So, in that spirit, I've decided to come up with a name for her... and without further ado... I present Gemini.

So Gemini and I have been doing some fairly serious liking (at least I have...and I'm kinda hoping that she has as well.) The night before last (meaning Saturday) I helped Gemini move from her current abode (sticks) to her temporary abode (north sticks). There I got to meet wonderful 2 year old little brother, Walton, Gemini's Mom, Replica, Pradagal and Gemini's Dad. Not to mention Grumpy the five month old youngest brother. The first little bit I entertained Walton while Gemini and her Mom cleared space in the north sticks for all of Gemini and Scottish(Gemini's twin) stuff in the basement.

Walton is a great kid and I had a lot of fun entertaining him, but I felt kinda bad because Gemini and I being there disrupted him and Grumpy's sleeping schedule and they were up till all hours of the night. We finished moving all the stuff about at around 11:00. At which point Gemini's Mom had so kindly provided a drink for myself, which was very interesting. We then got to talk to Replica and Pradagal as well as Gmom and shortly Gdad, with Walton and Grumpy making a few visits in to check up on the action.

I love Gemini's family. It's the kind of family I've always wanted and never really had. Which is not to say that I do not have a wonderful family--for I do. It's just...more open, more non-Woodruffish. I liked Gdad immediately and hope to spend more time with the entire family. I really do like Gemini for all these very strange reasons. I counted the other day, how many times I randomly thought of her. It was a large number that I'm almost embarrassed to think about. I already miss my 7:00 shift. The day just isn't the same when you don't start it off with a talk from last general conference. I should be getting my promotion next Monday, I want to go hiking after Finals and I need to crack down and actually study for a few of them.

Life is good, and I am content, which is more than I can say for myself in many months. Gemini has been a good influence on me. Until next time.

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Confirmed

Plans did in fact actually mean a date. I hate being right.

Why do the good ones take so much work?

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Plans

To answer Theric's question, I served in Fort Worth, Texas. Where it was often windy, my favorite experience was when our town was struck by a tornado. My companion and I went out and stood in the wind lashed rain, so strong you had to bend near to half horizonal or fall down, and then when the wind shifted direction, you'd fall to the ground and into a massive puddle that collected on everything due to the sheer amount of rain coming down. Yes, that was a good day.

I asked her out again today. She said no this time, but she give a reason (well...a good reason) she said she had, "Plans." And she texted me. Sometimes I hate the way communication works. I don't think girls understand what plans means to a guy. Plans means: I have a date with someone else. That's the only reason NOT to tell you what you're doing instead. But I don't get it, she claims to be anti-social, she askes me to go to lunch with her...all sorts of positive signs and then: Plans. Please give me something more, family plans, I have to work, ANYTHING but just plain plans. I think I'd rather hear, "A friend already asked me to go do something with him." than "plans." What a horrid phrase.

I don't understand girls, I don't understand myself sometimes, but I know I never understand girls. Myself I have this feeling that sooner or later things will work out an dI"ll figure out why I feel this, and why I feel that. But with girls there doesn't seem to be any logic, it's just...blech. Nothing, to go off of one thing means something and another means the same, but the first no longer means the second and the second means less than it did. The rules change before you figure them out and so you're perpetually two turns behind. When you do think you have a break...plans. Maybe I'll just go camping this weekend.

-Cameron

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The wind

There was a time on my mission that I was in dire need of some help from above. My companion and I didn't get along at all. I was new to the mission and still didn't understand how to teach. I sat one night and pleaded with God to show me what to do, to show me that he was there to give me some sign that the coming crisis was known and the he watched over me. The response I recieved was, in part, the wind.

He told me that when I felt the wind that he was thinking about me, when I heard it to know he was talking to me. So when I wake up on days like this where the wind catches at you and tries to carry you away with it, I smile I feel the goosebumps form and a tingling down my spine. I love to feel the wind, I love to have it whisper to me. How I wish it were always windy.

-C

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Jumper

I sometimes wonder how long it would take for someone to notice I was gone.

I live a transient life, here a few days, there a few days. I think I could go at least three and have no one even realize I was missing. My room-mates would assume I was at home, my parents would assume I was at my appartment, Jason would think me busy. Would anyone else care? Would they notice? Maybe people would assume I just hadn't logged on in a while... I really think I could make at least three days without anyone noticing. Maybe I'll try that, see what people think.

Yes, I think I shall.

What a depressing thought.

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A girl to call my own

EG, if you've just read the title; unlock your jaw and smile. I don't mean I'm going to actually own her. I have come the realization that I want a girl who I can say, "That's the one, that's mine." Every bit as much as she has the right to say the same about me. But I don't want it to be meaningless. I want it to be amazing. I want to look at a picture of her and think to myself, I miss her...I miss her a lot. And for sheer longing and desire to be near her again reach out and touch her cheek.

I want to miss someone when I go to bed not having seen them. I'm beginning to feel that way about something and someone. The something is if I haven't read my scriptures, I miss them; I miss how I feel when I haven't done it that day. I love that. The someone is a tricky story; she's perfect, and I'd love to have her, the problem is that someone else already figured out that little secret. He purposed and then for some completely daft reason which I have yet to fathom he backed out. I don't get it. But I wish I could take his place, come back crying and say I'm sorry and have her take me back. Gosh I'm dreaming of ways to get the girl to take me back and I haven't yet figured how to get her to take me in the first place.

I think deep down, I'm a romantic...which makes life horribly disappointing.

-C

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I am tired of being so alone in a world full of people.

I'm tired of realizing that I'm the one who keeps pushing people away.
I'm tired of not having the power to stop.
I'm tired of not realizing I'm doing it until it's too late.
I'm tired of being too proud to turn back and swollow my words.
I'm tired of having to appologize for things I've said.
I'm tired of this place.

If only I could have oblivion, I should like immortality, but what is the point of living forever if no one cares that you live? Oblivion is better, 'tis better not to exist than to lead a life that is never noticed.

I am sorry.

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Relationships

Lately I've been thinking about this a lot. And I think it goes along with my BoM study so I am using that time to write this...As I contemplate what I've just read of course.

I have a problem with relationships. I generally hit the self destruct button after a while and things just explode. I'm not talking about just relationships with girls, I mean with everyone. It is amazing that I'm still friends with J. It is the one hope I have in my life that I will someday be capable of having a mutually fulfilling romantic relationship.

Speaking of J, lately I've been hanging out quite a bit with his FHE sisters. Awesome girls. But I can sense...it's getting to that point. The point when I will do something that will offend them irrevocably and they will no longer enjoy my company. This scares me immensely. I need friendships in my life...

I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, I partly blame my mother and her New England ways for it... but not completely. I still take the blame for such simple things as my inability to keep a relationship past week two. I heard a quote once that said, "you can pretend to be someone you aren't for about a year, at that point, the REAL you will start to shine through." I'm not sure if the 'me' that I show to everyone after week two is the real me or simply the me that I throw at people in an attempt to not allow them to see the me that lies inside. I'm not exactly sure what is so wrong with the inner me that I cannot allow people to see who it is. I like myself most of the time. At least I think I do. Maybe it's just my fear of love.

I do not remember my parents ever telling me that they love me. I don't know if I know what that emotion feels like...I don't know if I would know how to respond to it if it did come to me. Maybe that is where my fear comes from, I've never been there before never been in a position where someone loved me and I'm afraid of it, and everytime it gets near to that point I try to throw up so much flack that they will never see me running away as fast as I can.

How does this apply to my scripture reading you ask? I'm not really sure, it has something to do with Zeniff and Amulek and who they lived their lives in a firm belief of some higher force. And because of that belief they were given power to do things in this mortal world. I want that belief, that firm conviction, I want the power to overcome the difficult things I am faced with in life. Armies, wicked priests, I need the power of the Lord to be with me, is it already? Maybe it is...I have J as a friend after all. A better friend I don't think I could ask for. If you're reading this, thanks J. Good night everyone, sleep well.

-Cam

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Gattaca

First off, a shameless plug. Watch the movie, if you know me and you haven't seen it, call me up and ask to watch it with me. I LOVE this movie. I watched it tonight, and it will be the cause of me staying up faaar too late...but I'm okay with that. If you haven't seen it, stop reading now. Call me up, and watch it before proceeding with the rest of this post.


Okay?


Good.


Now, for the part of the post that I really wanted to write. This is going to be a conglomeration of things from both the devotional on Tuesday (quite awesome by the way) to the watching of the movie tonight.

We are often found looking in another direction, away from the goal, the destination in life that we have. In the movie there are two main characters, Jerome and Vincent. Jerome by all standards should be the best at all that he does, he was genetically engineered to be that way. Vincent on the other hand...was not. Who in this story does everyone want to be? Vincent. Because he has something that Jerome does not, that cannot be given to us, he has a gift that cannot be hard-coded into our double helix. Vision. Dreams. Aspirations. Vincent sees a world where everything can be made possible, Jerome sees a world where everything is possible.

Suddenly Jerome discovers that there is something that he, 'isn't made for' that happens. He gets a silver medal. In an instant Jerome's world falls apart. Vincent never had a world, until he makes it.

I'm not sure where I'm getting at here, the worth of a vision, the inherent nature of driven people. I'm not quite sure. But I do know that I want to be more like Vincent--I want to be someone who dreams. "I got the better end of the bargain, I lent you my body, you lent me your dream."

If I could only be as passionate about one thing...

-Cameron

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To the quick

Someone just said something that hurt me. It hurt me alot. I'm not sure how this person managed to get inside my head so well as to break that wall of self-assurance which I give to the outside world, but they did, they managed it and I despise them for it. No, that's too strong, I hate myself for being what they accused me of being. And that is what hurts the most. Not because of who said it or how they said it, merely that it is true.

It's hard to confront those aspects of yourself which you don't like, to see them and have them so openly mocked and barraged with attention. They become painful sores on the concious, open wounds into which any causual passer-by may rub salt.

It is something that I will attempt to fix, but it's not easy, I don't want to do it, I don't want to change, to give up this aspect of myself, it is a defense which I have used far too long to openly cast aside in favor of more gentle friends. There was a quote that one of my Zone leaders required I memorize:

"I am convinced that missionary work is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy. We are The Church of Jesus Christ, this is the truth, and He is our Great Eternal Head. How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for Him?"

How I wish I could take the easy road.

-Cameron

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Post 70

Well, I'm doing better than one a week.

I've been meaning to write this blog for a few days now. You see, the day after I wrote the last a thought occurred to me--I realized that I my problem extends to many fields. Friendship, video games, even my mission. I will now attempt to write out my thoughts on this matter, as they happened.

"I don't finish things. All of my relationships have just kind of pattered out. I rarely finish video games, and my mission." "Ahh, but you finished your mission." "Sure I did, that's why everyone asked me why I was home in November if I hadn't left until February." "That was one girl, and you finished your mission." "I know I tried to finish it, I know that when President called me up and asked how I felt bout going home I prayed, I know he prayed, I know I was released honorably. But I still only served 21 months."

"That doesn't matter, do you remember how you felt?" "Yes."

And I did. I remembered how I felt that day in the temple as I pleaded with the Lord to give me assurance that this was the right thing to do, that I wasn't just giving in because things had gotten too hard. I remember everything about that moment, where I sat, where I looked, who I saw, how I felt.

I don't know how to describe how I felt that day, words fail me, images fail me, only the triple bond of thought, picture and words can come close to describing that moment. But I can't share the last two with you, I can only give you the words. Let me try: Peaceful, light, fuzzy, warm, loved, loving, encircled, amazed, happy, somber, exuberant, full, jubilant, forgiven, bursting, awed, expanded, worthy, worthwhile. So many more, so much more.

I found a reason, a reason to change, and the reason was you.

It was that feeling, I want it with me all the time, I want to be like that all the time. I've only had it a few times now, once in my room late at night. Another in the temple looking into eternity. Another time, in the temple listening to it.

There is a quote, I'm fairly sure it's by Joseph Smith...but I could be wrong that says something along the lines of, "There is nothing that can change a man so much as the pure inspiration of the spirit resting up on him. Such moments cannot be forgotten, for they are spirit communicating with spirit." Those moments, those glimpses into eternity(I hate to use the word again...but what would work better, heaven? The Celestial Kingdom? God's heart?) they change lives, they are the reason to improve the reason to change, to act.

I count myself lucky that I have such moments to draw upon, and since that night I have often thought to myself when tempted: "Do you want to feel like you have the past year or like those moments?" And it becomes easier to make the right choice.

I think I finally have something to look forward too, I finally have some goal in life. I want that, I want it and I want to let everyone else have some of it as well. Not because of any love that I have for you all now...but for the love that I would have for you then...I know I could never live with myself there if I didn't share now.

A strange thread of logic, but it works in my head.

I pray that the people who read this will have had one if not more of these moments,remember them, hold them close and strive to seek more. Do what must needs be done to give them to you. They are worth any price.

-Cameron

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A problem discovered

It is currently 6:19

I don't know what to write. But I am listening to a Tarzan song and I am in the mood to write something grand.

Something philosophical... But because I have not the spirit it will probably just be some lame sophomoric post like most of the rest.

Have you ever wanted something? If I know my readership, (which...I don't,) then I know that the answer for most of you is a resounding KINDA! Okay, so this is written to one person in particular, and maybe more as I start talking. I my farewell letter to BB I told them that I had had a crush on 7 members of BB, I just made up a number but I realize now it's true.

KJ, KK, EHS, TL, LPL, SIL and PC. Most of those have happened in the last semester, and the list of crushes also includes: Library Girl, History Girl, History Girl2, Japanese Girl, Yeti, Cougereat Girl, CB Girl, Lil Sis. And I'm sure I'm missing some. What is wrong with me? Why do I have so many infatuation and so few romances? What strange personality quirk rules the realm of my consciousness that it forbids me from falling in love, heck from even taking a step.

I am forever stuck two steps in the light, looking, longing into the dark waiting for someone to appear long enough to reach out a hand and take it. And then trick, charm, bedazzle me into staying. Am I really so afraid of commitment that I cannot keep a relationship longer than a few days, a few weeks? Is it some character defect within myself that causes others to turn away from me? Or is it some interior flaw which causes me to run as far as I possibly can? It cannot possibly be in the girls to which I am attracted. There are simply too many of them to all share a common discrepancy in genetically engineered happiness.

One of the highest compliments I've been given in weeks, possibly years: "You know, you're really a decent guy."

Why can't I agree with her? Why is it that my first thought: Only because you don't know who I am. What do I hide from people? Do I hide from people? Yes, there is one thing I hide, one secret that only three people know of. Myself, J, and my bishop (In three forms, but the office only counts as one person). Is this what makes me feel so undesirable? Do I push them away because I'm afraid they'll get too close and then...find out about this? And then run so fast that I shall never catch up?

Is this so big?

Is it the reason I don't have the spirit? Yes. Is it the reason I hate sleep? Yes, it haunts my dreams. Is this the reason I am depressed? I don't know. Would I give it up? Can I? Should I?

Please don't jump to conclusions...this is serious but it isn't THAT serious. Oh that I could have a firm foundation to start from, a hope in that someday this could be gone forever. Then could I do it? Knowing that I wouldn't have to deal with it again in a month, a year a decade?

They say that you get what you want...maybe I don't want to live where families can be eternal. Not because of the families... because of who I would be, what I could do. God, it's so hard to pick up that book, so easy to turn here, to forget that anything outside of this world, this reality I've created for myself matters at all. Did he know how this would be? Did he feel this? How did he overcome it? For he must have had to, he never gave into the sin, he stood against the wind his entire life. Why can't I at least crawl into it?

Forgive me father for I have sinned.

-Cameron

The following are music quotes which I found interesting for one reason or another.


only love can enter here

Trust your heart, let faith decide.

"put your faith in what you most believe in." "A paradise untouched by man."

It is currently: 6:47

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My Christmas Letter

Dear God,

My name is Cameron, I know you know me, I live at ____ right next to ___________. Perhaps you've looked down and seen me? This Christmas season I have perpared a list of things that I would like; feel free to give me that which is just and deserved.

1. A passion for something, anything. I'm not particular, I just want a reason tto make me anxious to arise in the morning.
2. A realization that there is a world outside of my own head; and a willingness to care for those who share it with me.
3. A best friend. Someone who calls me up if they didn't talk to me the day before because they missed me.
4. Someone to whom I can't wait to talk to every day, hopefully the same as the person in #3.
5. The strength of will to do what is difficult-or undesireable, but right.
6. A job that I enjoy, with a group of people that make me want to be a better person.
7. To feel good about using my temple recommend and all that is entailed in that.
8. To like myself.
9. A knowledge of what I should do with my life and how I should get there.

I appologize if these are somewhat related and are difficult to resolve without giving me everything else on the list. I guess that's just my way of making sure you give me everything on the list. I hope you and your family are well this Christmas season, and that I shall be able to talk with you again before next Christmas, say hello to everyone for me.

-Cameron

p.s. I thought of a 10th, please forgive me.

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Chivalry And Christmas

First: chivalry. I am quite fond of it, but not the type that people do these days so much, I'll hold a door open for someone if it is more convenient for me to do so. (The one, rather strange exception to this is letting girls into my car...I always open their doors for them while getting in, I suspect it has something to do with inspecting the car to make sure there are no men hiding in there in an attempt to rape/kill them.)

That said; Christmas. I suspect the reason I have no attachment to Christmas is that I have no general attachment to symbols. I just don't care about them. If I want to do something nice for someone, I'll do it I don't care if it's their birthday, secretary day, weekday or holiday. I don't see a need for a day set apart to be particularly nice to people. Shouldn't we be nice to people every day?

I suspect this lack of reverence to symbols is one of my failings in life. I have no symbols I respect. Power, influence, wealth, religion, etc. I do not care for these things, I do not imbue them with any power over me because they are things which receive not but the causitory response. This lack of power-given objects causes my life to be one with little or no direction. When there is nothing in life that is of greater worth than anything else all that can be sought after is comfort, ease or constancy. But even those things are not really sought, but rather the natural result of doing nothing but what is absolutely needed to maintain life.

Why care about life when there is no vitalizing power in it. My favorite movies are things like Gattaca, Rudy and October Sky. Why? Because they all have characters in them which posses the one thing I lack: desire. "O god, I could be bound in a nut-shell and count myself king of infinite-space, were it not that I have bad dreams."

-Cameron

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Two Weeks Notice

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've been thinking about the things that I need to do with my life, and how exactly I'm going to accomplish them. I've come to a few conclusions:

1. I cannot do all the things I want to do and still have a happy fulfilling life.
2. I cannot continue to do what I want to do or else I will never do what I need to do.
3. God has waited long enough, and I need to stop stalling.
4. I do not have the funds to make it through next semester without a job.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that I'm going to have to take some steps.

First, a breakdown of what I do with my time: Blog, BB, and C-Gaming; School; Church; Work; Social life-dating, hanging out with 'the guys.' In that list only the first category can go, and since it takes up the majority of my time as is...it's going to have to go. To that end, I am officially turning in my two weeks notice. Two weeks from today, on January the 6th, my blog will be erased. My BB account will be erased and I my Video games will be either returned to my home where they will be brought out on special occasions or sold.

Second, this has been solved by fixing #1.

Third, Part of #2, the time spent Blogging/BBing will now be spent doing homework and reading the scriptures; and if I get really ambitious...praying.

Four, I will get a job, hopefully an AM janitorial position, this will cause me to keep a regular schedule. I need this.

To quote, "I want to do great things, I just don't want to do them alone." If I continue down the path I am currently treading it will only lead to loneliness and despair. My only hope of salvaging something from my life is to stand and fight against the forces that are slowly sucking away my will to live outside of the four walls that are the edges of my computer screen. I will continue to write, I will continue to read a few blogs (read: My roomies and possibly girls to whom I am attracted) I will not post here. I will go to all three hours of church. I will go on a date every other week. I will stop my self-depreciating habits and begin to look for things that will benefit those around me. I will volunteer somewhere, hopefully somewhere that I can read to little children.

This is harder than I thought it would be to write...but I've always said no secrets, so... I will begin going to counseling again. I will attempt to have emotional attachment to people. I will do all of my school work early or on time. I will miss you all. I will never forget you. I will continue to write...but it will probably be on my story, instead of on here.

I will pray.

I will mean what I pray.

I will cry.

Thanks to everyone who gave so much to me here, I'm sorry I have to leave...but I hope you will understand.

-Asmond
(Cameron Boyce)

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White -> Black

It has come to my attention that I am: not as smart as I think I am, not as dilligent as I need to be, and nowhere near as good as I want to be. This realization comes with another, I have been identified as a white, but something Katya said made me think. You see, I don't test white. I test the way I want to test. What does that mean? I think I'm turning black.

Bah, stop your muttering, I'm not concerned with what you think I am. I know me, I know the reasons I do things, and I'm telling you, I don't care for anyone but myself. Sure I do nice things for others, mostly because I want to feel good inside. But the problem is there isn't anything left inside to feel. So I strive for some sort of passion--some release from the tyrany of emptiness--that will fill up the void within me; and nothing works.

Today I met a girl whom I thought I could enjoy spending more time with. The problem is I don't trust myself in a relationship. Not after Sunday. Not after that. I wonder if this is a multitude of little marbles, or just one, or even none at all. Perhaps it's time for me to go back and share. The only question I have is what should I share? I am an open person, I will tell you about me if you ask(it might take a few times asking...but it'll come) I just don't open up to people.

I'm begining to think it's because there is nothing left to open up.

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The Value of a Life

I took a test today, you know one of those stupid ones about what kind of person you are. One of the question, "Would you rather die, or let 10 random other people in the world die?" "A thousand?" I put yes, I'd die so that 10 or 1,000 others could live. But then I thought about it. How much am I worth?

Being someone who understands that the Gospel has been restored someone who can influence others to follow that path, is my life of more value than ten people who don't believe? Who don't follow? Ten murders? Ten children? Ten old men with one foot in the grave as it is? How much am I worth?

How much good is there to be gained by allowing them to pass onto the next world and allow me to stay here and preach the gospel to those who are also left to learn. Which is more important? Which choice should be made, yourself with all the flaws, and frailties, all the strengths and faiths; or the nameless masses? What happens when those ten become faces? When it's Renee the gentleman I baptized in my last area? When it's my sister? My child? My friend? My wife? How much does God value my life? How much repentance do I need to do to repay all the lost moments of my life where I forgot to be the brother, the saint I should have been?

I'm in a hurry to get things done. But it's all for me, I never look around and ponder, what can I do for my brother, whom I worry about. Or my sister who I can see walking the same dark steps I walked. Is it better that one man should LIVE than that a nation should dwindle in unbelief?

-Asmond

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Late night stories

Just something I wrote, and the quote that inspired it:

"Kids like Henry need a hero--courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us, everybody loves a hero. People line up for them, cheer them, scream their names, and years later they’ll tell how they stood in the rain for hours, just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them to hold on, just a second longer. I believe there is a hero in all of us that gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride. Even though sometimes we have to be steady and give up the thing we want the most, even our dreams. Spiderman did that for Henry. He wonder’s where he’s gone, he needs him."



“Take a seat, I hope you don’t mind waiting while I prepare some hot chocolate, it’s cold out tonight. It’s a cold season and I need the warmth. Please, sit, I won’t be but a moment. Here, have a mug, its not just these old bones what are cold on a night like this. Hear that; the wind, howling past the chimneys? It’s night like tonight that make an old man gather kin around and tell stories of time long past. Well, I don’t have any kin, so you’ll have to do.
“What would you like to hear? I’ve been around a long time, I’ve been in the thick of many things, some what seemed small at the time but which have been made great over the years. You see, life’s made up of small things that become great. You think that Washington living through it thought the war great? Perhaps, perhaps you sometimes get a glimpse—like Washington on the Potomac—that you are about great things. But still, the wind bit just the same.
“So, what will it be?
“Ahh, so you know a little about Luke do you? My grade school mate he was, a good man. You’d like to hear his story? Very well, sit down and make yourself comfortable it’ll be a long spell this weather and shut us in through the night and this is the perfect night for such a story.”
The old man sits, staring into his mug, before saying softly, “You’ll be knowing about Luke then. He was different, a tad different from the rest of us. You see, Luke wasn’t the smartest; he wasn’t the fastest or the strongest even. But he was a good man, the kind of man people like to be around. He made you feel important just by listening to you. There was something about him, an air perhaps he sensed in himself the power that was beginning to take shape. He always used to smile as we would fantasize about becoming great men in the world.”
“Would say, “Braden, I don’t think heroes care too much for their own adventures, they just do what needs to be done.” Oh yes, he said that a time or two. I see the look of surprise on your face, the books tell it a little different now don’t they? Lucas the Lumient always calm in the face of danger. Always there with the solution to every problem.”
Again the old man pauses to take a long swallow from his mug. Looking up as the whistling of the wind picked up again. “’tis a bitter night, the wind runs foul. Luke always said you could tell the day by the wind, but he heard things on the wind that normal folk don’t. I wonder what its saying now?” A long pause as the old man stares out the window listening to the ragged howling outside.
“I don’t suppose I’ll ever know, not the way Luke did.” A sigh, “No, I don’t suppose I’ll know quite like that. Luke would always listen to the wind, said it whispered in a language he could almost understand. Like when you could hear your parents talking through the door on Christmas Eve but could never quite understand what they were saying.”

* * *

Luke glanced up with a smile as Braden came rushing in his hair sticking every which way, “How’s Jenny?” He asked not really waiting for an answer before delving into his book.
“Good, good, how’d you sleep?” Lopsided grin grows beneath the helter-skelter hair as he dashes into the back room for a second coming back with both arms full of various food items and cooking utensils. “Anyway, gotta go, she’s waiting for me!” Braden shouts as he dashes out the door again and down the stairs, gone before Luke ever even registers the words.
The smile spreads wider on his face as he stands up to glance out the window to see Braden sliding his lanky body into the car waiting in the grey mist of it’s own exhaust. He turns back and throwing his book on the sofa walks over to the cupboard opening it he stares at the package of spaghetti and old cereal bars he bought months ago. Grunting he closed the cupboard door again, slumping back into his seat on the sofa.
Just as he did the wind rattled the windows.
“Kazoku ve irikitai len.” He sighed listening to the wind, puzzling over meaning. Always the wind spoke the soft swift words which seemed almost magical drifting to him through the shutters. Words he could almost understand, almost taste the meaning of.

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Tonight I re-accquanticed myself with Panini, awesome blog. It was one of those moments when worlds colide and you are left wondering what the heck happened to your life. Panini you see, was my TA my freshman year. I think she was a Junior at the time and is older, and taller than myself.

We, with a much smaller group of people than were supposed to go, went to watch Serenity. We got to the theater and Panini asks, "Is this a Sci Fi movie?" *nod* "We should watch Flight Plan." I had two problems with this. First, I'd read a review about it earlier that day and had no interest in watching it, at all. Second, knowing that I don't enjoy movies that the people I watch them with don't enjoy, I knew I wasn't going to enjoy it as much this time around. BUT, I'd paid to see this movie, and it just felt slightly morally wrong to just walk into flight plan even if 3/5 people didn't enjoy the movie very much.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about a lot of things, what the world is all about and how I'm supposed to fit into it all.

If I walked away today,
would it matter?
If I forgot to wake up tomorrow,
what would happen?
If I changed my choice yesterday,
would I still be alone?

When tomorrow comes will I be there?
When yesterday made it's mark did I contribute?
When today is over will I have made a difference?

Why did yesterday pass away,
leaving me with it's husk?
Why did today come around,
knowing that it's too late to fix?
Why did tomorrow pass between my fingers,
slipping through too fast to keep.



I think that's about it for tonight, I'll play around with that poem a bit later I'm sure. Sleep must needs come, too much thinking.

-Asmond Woodruff

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Zee Cold

As I have previously stated, I hate the cold. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't one of my typical, "I hate" statements. No, I actually mean this one. I hate cold more than I hate mushrooms and the smell of raw fish, and that pringly sensation you get in your legs when the blood rushes back into them. More even than I hate confronting people when I know I'm in the wrong.

This is a hate that runs deeper than oceans. This is a hate with such passion that the stars themselves quiver and quell in fear of being burned in one fell swoop consumed in my angers fire.

Yes, you are beginning to understand my deep loathing for the cold. I despise it more than anything you can imagine.

Why do I carry such deep anti-affection for cold temperatures? Well, I blame it all on the fact that as a child I got bronchial asthma, basically when it's cold...I can't breathe. Then of course I got sent on my mission to Texas where I was the glad recipient of wonderful warm temperatures. Until February when it turned cold, cold and humid and I had to ride my bike around in that temperature. It was so cold you could spit and hear the ice shatter when it made contact with the cement. It was so cold I would puke just to get some sort of movement in the bowels.

And then I came home to Utah and it was cold, but not wet it didn't penetrate. Then it turned summer again and I realized...being cold is stupid, the only reason to be cold is if you go to hell. Which is enough of a reason to repent in my mind. Other than that, I will turn the heat up to 80 degrees in my apartment, I'll huddle in sweaters, jackets and blankets, and then when all is said and done and I can leave this place that gets cold I'm moving somewhere warm... Like maybe Sol. I think I'd like it better there.

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