Svithing Early
>> Saturday, January 10, 2009
While I was waiting in line for some counselor or other this week (first week of school will do that to you), I came across an article in the Ensign about sharing the gospel over the internet. I know that not many people read this blog and most of those that do are already members of the church, but on the off chance that someone randomly google searches this site... I figured I feel responsible to share this.
My name is ______ _____, I am a 25 year old member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints(LDS). I served a mission for said church in Fort Worth, Texas and the surrounding environs--which is to say that I spent just under two years trying to be an instrument in the hands of The Almighty to help his children discover the path back to his presence and the eternal joy that is his gift to those who do.
I have not always been active, or even a believer in the church and doctrines contained in it. I was converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ as restored through Joseph Smith when I was about 16. I was raised LDS and served in the church as a Deacons and a Teachers Quorum president prior to going inactive. I knew the doctrine of the church, although I had never really read the scriptures or prayed about it. The two years I spent away from the gospel were some of the darkest years of my past.
I spiraled down into a place where life had lost colors, existence was a dull gray that lingered from waking to sleeping. I tried to escape from it however I could, literature and video games became my only real friends--for they saved me from the bleakness of my everyday life. Eventually, they weren't enough and I began to consider suicide as the only visible light at the end of the tunnel.
It was at this dark time, during a newspaper class that one of my teachers asked how I was doing and was concerned enough about my response that she alerted my parents. Who took me to a counselor. I can't say the counselor helped much, but the realization that there were people who cared about me resonated through my body and gave me the strength to keep moving. It wasn't easy, it didn't come all at once, I was put on prosac and slowly the colors of life came back into focus.
Still, it wasn't enough. I was relying upon the medication and it had a leveling effect which allowed me to escape the dark pit but prevented me from feeling the joy I saw in those around me. During this time I had developed friendships with two important individuals. Jay (whom I have mentioned in this blog) and a gent by the name of Jeremy.
Jeremy and I would associate, irregularly--but often enough--and for the first time in my life I saw what a family that lived the gospel together was like. Jeremy invited me to his Family Home Evenings and I believe that my bitter heart began to be softened to the spirit by this gentle exposure. Jay and Jeremy together decided they wanted to go to EFY (Especially for Youth. Which is a program the LDS church puts on every year as a means of helping the youth of today deal with the problems and concerns they deal with.) and not wanting to be left alone for a week, I asked my Mother if she would sign me up. I'm certain she felt this to be the answer to her prayers.
While at EFY I again and again felt the Spirit of the Lord come upon me. It worked within me until I desired to change, and I did. Again, it was not easy, I fought every day with the habits that I myself had built up to prevent me from feeling pain or joy, but eventually with His help I was able to walk outside of those barriers and return once more to living. My senior year of High School was filled with many faith building moments. Moments that led me to desire to serve a mission and further change my life.
I battled depression every step of the way, fighting against the urge to give up and surrender. I wake up every morning and continue that struggle. My problems have not diminished one iota, but my capacity to deal with them has improved over the past 9 years. Yes, I still make mistakes, this isn't a fight that I think I shall ever win in mortality. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe in God, and I believe in repentance. I know that I am able to change and I am changing. Joy isn't as hard to find these days, despite the mounting trials of adulthood, dating, money and education.
I have found peace in this life, and that peace gives me hope and that hope which comes from faith has made an anchor for my soul. I am convinced that without the ressurected Lord and his restored gospel through the Prophet Joesph Smith, I would not have had these past nine years. I would not have the joy of your company and many of the experiences in life that I relish with great satisfaction. I know God lives and loves me, and I hope you too may find his peace.
