Eden

I'm at my best friend's cabin. I can't recall if I've talked about the cabin on here before or not... but it's pretty dang amazing. I'm one of the only people here who doesn't really care a whit for football, but they are currently watching the BYU game. Seems like they are enjoying themselves, so I can't really complain.

I had an opportunity this afternoon to sit and wait at the gate while a car was coming up so that I could let them in and then shuttle their belongings and them up past the point where cars cannot go and snowmobiles are the only means of transportation. As I sat there for... oh, it probably ended up being somewhere near 45 minutes I had an opportunity to think about a lot of things. Particularly the beauty of the world around me. As I thought about that, and the fact that I am not likely to see Eve again for quite some time.

I know I haven't talked about Eve... she's a girl who I have been on many dates with recently. She is leaving for Spain at the end of the month and is at home until then. Hopefully I'll be able to visit her sometime during the break but if not... I miss her a lot.

She's one of the most stellar people I have ever met, gorgeous, intelligent and funny. I spent most of the past three weeks in her company and she is the point of the post prior to this one. The thing that makes me like Eve the most is that she makes me want to be a better person. It's hard to imagine why she seems to like me back but it amazes me every time she looks at me and smiles or reaches across to touch me.

This isn't going to be about Eve, but her presence in my head helps to make this place a paradise, an Eden for which I am thankful to God.

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Controlling

Repeat to myself:

I have no right to be jealous.
I have no right to be angry.
I have no right to be hurt.
She did nothing wrong.

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Seeing Pain

So, when I look at people I can see their pains. I've gotten pretty good at identifying the sources of these pains, and can usually tell you the things a person struggles with. Some people are better at hiding it than others, but for the most part, I have a large degree of empathy.

For this reason, in High School, I decided to stop feeling. As a teenager I was confused by my own emotions, let alone everyone around me. It wasn't a very happy experience. So I stopped feeling.

As I have gotten older, I've tried very hard to feel again, as I do so, I discover that I can feel other people's pain again. But there is a catch, for those girls whom I like, it doesn't work. I cannot use this gift for my own personal gain, I can only use it for others. This is particularly annoying when I like a girl and she seems to like me... but there is a 'concern' as we used to call it in the mission field. Also, it makes it very difficult for me to hate people, that is really annoying, because how can you hate someone when you can see how much pain they are in?

Sorry, venting. I told the girl I like, that I like her (my exact words were, "emotionally attached") and she said, "I kinda already knew that." What the heck does that mean? I'm so used to just understanding that this is driving me crazy, I can't for the life of me understand what's going on in her head. Help me please.

-C.A.

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The quiet of the night

I love the quiet of the night, the moments when no other soul stirs the wind of the house. It speaks a quiet peace to the soul, like heavy winds off the ocean. The ones that have twirled past a thousand empty dunes of rising sea and foam. In these quiet whispering moments when all the world around you is asleep and dreaming, that's when the world comes alive. Every scent, every sound takes on a mystic quality. It's these quiet moments when we turn inwards and allow the dreamscape of our souls to reflect on the mundane appliances of every day living.

I am blessed beyond measure, I cannot imagine what twist of fate has given me such fortune. For I am rich beyond measure, I have the love of friends to support me through moments of bitter dark and the hands of loved ones to share the lilting harmonies of elated bliss.

This season I am grateful for so many things. The scent of shampoo, the trilling bird song, the cascades of light upon the firmament, the touch of an honest soul, a brisk wind off the port bow, conversation late into the night, gleeful appreciation, family, salvation and redemption, celestial vistas, lunches with friendly souls, the hope of water after seven years drought, the rallying cry to defend the just. Thank you world.

-C

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Still Moving

The title is in reference to this talk. Although I have to admit that I am doing much better than I could reasonably hope to be. The Lord is very kind to me. He has granted unto me peace where none existed. He has stilled the aching heart and spoken peace to my mind. It is strange, part of me wants to say that I have become so well acquainted with pain that I have learned how to deal with it. But I know that is not true.

The truth is that I have been given a gift. There are many facets to this gift, and I am learning to love and appreciate them all. I was talking to a good friend of mine earlier today about my life and how I am so very afraid that sooner or later someone will see the real me, the one I keep so deeply hidden that no one can possibly see. She told me I should get counseling. I told her I should not. I have been to counselors before, they have talked to me, I knew what they were saying, I understood it and I believed it. But I can't do it. She asked why, it was because of the comfort zone. I am paralyzed by the thought of once more having my heart broken. This past two weeks I have felt that pain. I'm stronger now, I think I am finally getting over Ashley. The scars have healed and I am once more hale.

I'm not so dark a being as I am afraid I am. I am going to try and break the status quo. I'm going to try and go outside of my comfort zone. Yeah, I need to devote some time to studies, time that I am currently not devoting to them. But I need to go out on ledges more often. I need to test myself and prove my life. But most of all I need to remember the author of my salvation. I know that if I can but remember him, life will sort itslef out and I will be found doing those things wich will please both him and me. Thank you my frineds.

Asmond Woodruff

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Pain

You know how you think you're good at something and then you realize you aren't? Yeah, that's me.

Life has been pretty rough lately. I guess it's always rough but it's been particularly difficult for me lately. I like a girl that for various reasons... just won't work out. I talk to her often and every time I do I experience this gut wrenching pain... literally. I can't deal with this emotionally caused pain, I just don't have the strength/power to do it anymore. I told her that I liked her and that I needed to back away because I can't handle it anymore.

It's stupid, I feel stupid for doing it, it was a selfish act of desperation. As I think about it now I can't even imagine why she would want to be with me. I'm not good enough for her, I don't know if I'm good enough for anyone. The only good thing about this whole experience is that I realize now that I can still 'fall in love' like I did in High School. That part of me is alive again, I'm just remembering why I tried to make it go away. I haven't felt pain like this in 7 years.

To top this wonderful sundae off with a wonderful cherry, I just gave what is, I hope, one of the worst sunday school lessons of my life. I REALLY need to remember how to teach, I caught myself doing all of the things I hate sunday school teachers doing. I'm a miserable sort of man right now.

God have mercy on my soul.

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Running again

And burning bridges while I do it.

Pre-reqs for the next girl I like: Must be single.

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The Screwdriver

You know how when you move sometimes you lose things? Somehow in the interchange of belongings that happens over the days, weeks and months you live in a place with other people your things become so intermixed that it's almost impossible to find all of those things in their sundry places when you attempt to move out.

*** insert witty segway here ***

A few years ago I worked for the devil. Two good things came out of that dark summer. Money, lots of it (the devil has a great payrate) and my screwdriver.

I loved this screw driver, it was adaptable, and amazing. I used it that whole summer, it got scrapes, dents, and banged up from being used like a hammer to pound sensors in. It has character, and I lost it in one of those moves that I've done recently.

And tonight I went to a party of some old roomies and I found my screwdriver. It's good to have him back. Strange how we assign value to things, even more strange are the things we assign value to. I mean a screwdriver? I picked it up for like 5 dollars at a hardware store. But oh how I love it. As a techy I often need a Philipshead, and having variable head sizes is divine.

I love my screwdriver.

In other news: I got snowed on. I was told to kiss a girl I didn't like so much, by a girl. Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog is amazing.

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An outlet.

Pitter, patter, water's hot.
Trying to burn away the feeling.
Alone at last, not really enough.
All the confusion, hope and pain.
Swirling inside, controlled for a moment
Remembering those Haunting eyes.
From dreams to dreams
Keeping in, keeping out.
Such agonizing hope,
The thought of tomorrow, of today.
Under my skin, in my head.
The starving man watching a feast.
Reaching out to touch her cheek,
Remembering those haunting eyes.
A part of me whispers,
"There is no hope."
While aching deep the need,
For pain, for love, for agony.
The two compliment the one.
And within their confines wring free
the emotions locked so far down
I'd thought them lost forever.
And free they range, burning sweet
Through halls too long empty
The sun warming skin white from the dark
Close my eyes, drink the dregs.
Torture that reminds me I am alive
And as sweet this is reminds me
sweeter still if lips could touch
hands entwine and grasping hold
Stand against life's tempests
Together.

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34...

I knew this class was going to kill me, I just didn't realize how badly it was going to do so.

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Second Take

I don't wan t to be that guy. I don't want her to be someone who falls for that trick. So, the question: what am I going to do?

Let her do what she needs to do and sit quietly on the eves? Will I be able to? Should I? How do I know she is even what I want?

Yes I'm being obscure, it's on purpose. I think the greatest tragedy is that I want to tell someone so badly, and don't know who to tell.

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The business of the day

• Two tests,


• a lab write up,


• a girl,


• a service project,


• work,


• homework (x2),


• taxes,


• a paper.

I need... six more hours today.

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The Lord Gives

And gives, and gives, and gives.

And then he gives some more. Does anyone else wonder (in the old school sense of the word) at this? Yesterday I had an opportunity to give a blessing to a girl, I didn't know her, she didn't know me, or my 'companion.' I followed promptings I didn't even realize I was following, it was only AFTER I'd followed them that I even realized the Lord had been guiding us.

Was talking the other day to DoubleTake, about trusting in the Lord to guide our paths and how he can make more of them than we can (isn't it weird how days/weeks seem to have religious themes? Maybe it's just my head turning a thought over and over until it becomes part of me...) but... he does.

I'm not sure if I will ever see that girl again, but I'm glad I was able to give her the aid she needed. I am so very grateful for the restoration of the priesthood and the authority to act in the name of my Father.

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Not really alone

The following came as I thought about D&C 19:18. The Lord in his Godhood, was able to do something no other mortal could have, he survived the complete withdrawal of the his Father's spirit. O, what pain that must have been. For one who had never sinned, who had never in all his life done anything deserving of the absence of the Most High... to be alone as no other mortal ever could be. Is there any wonder he was in "an agony?" Is there any wonder that he prayed more earnestly? To be cut off from all the light in the world. To experience, for a moment, perdition. And he survived this his final trial with such elegance. Is it any wonder that he trembled? How could he possibly love me so much to be worth that?

In these my dark hours
When alone I wander.

Walking down the streets,
Silence my only companion.
Surrounded by this human sea,
My heart longs for some connection.

In these my dark hours
When alone I wander.

Skin pulsing with the ache,
To feel another's touch.
The part of me deep inside,
that dies when lovers touch.

In these my dark hours
When alone I wander.

But not really alone,
You've been there throughout.
Unable to hold my hand,
You supported my heart.

In these my dark hours,
No longer alone to wander.

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Remember

I was reading today in doctrine and covenants section 18 verse 10, which reads, “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” At first my thoughts turned to other people, and my recent calling which is to be that of the gospel essentials teacher. But, as I continued to ponder the words, I realized I was missing out on one of the most important parts, the remember.

I am to remember that the worth of souls is great! O, remember, remember; to make that a part of my life, my every day interactions with others. How does that simple fact change the world? To remember that the person on the bus has great worth, what impact does that have on my life? Then, I realized that this scripture isn’t just about other people, but it is about me as well, and I must remember that MY soul is of great worth to God as well. How much more does that change the world? To know that my actions are something that God himself takes great interest values highly. Something that causes him joy?

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What comes out.

I've been meaning to write about a lot of different things lately. This post will simply be what comes out.

Several months ago my car was pulled over while I was driving it, I got a ticket. I did not pay that ticket. I was pulled over again several months later, I got another ticket, I was also told my license was suspended. The next day I got another. 800 dollars in fines and taxes later. My car is parked and will only be used in dire straits. I've been taking the bus.

While on the bus I have an excessive amount of free time. I read. I've been reading the Count of Monte Cristo. Or... la Comte de Monte Cristo. It's amazing. I'm about 600 pages in, so about halfway, and can scarcely put it down except that I need to do homework or go to work.

I've been slacking at work, today we had performance reviews, I didn't get as much as I was hoping to get, they said the reason was because of my punctuality. Curse my miasm.

My life is full, it is pleasing and the Lord is supporting me through trials and tribulations that normally I would not have the strength to endure. I am so very grateful for his hand in my life. I see it more and more every day. In the strength of my body, the conviction of my friends, the clarity of mind and the hope. Oh most precious the light of hope to the man who has so long struggled in darkness. I feel it inside me, it illuminates and heals, but most importantly it fills the void. If God took away all else he has given me and left me that. I should hope I would count myself the luckiest man alive. For I am truly blessed to have the honor of standing beside him.

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Service

Two Sundays past I heard a talk that focused on three different aspects of improvement. The first was scripture reading, the second was prayer and the third was service. I've been working on the first two and today I managed to do the third. My hometeaching companion came by while I was in the middle of a video game. I dropped the video game and got dressed, we were going to go bless one of the sisters we taught, and then one of my companions fiance's room-mate.

Joseph Smith once blessed two dozen odd babies and when he returned from doing so fell asleep quickly, exhausted. He said that the process of blessing was more draining than just about any other act he had done. I kind of know what he means, the focus and intent that went into those two blessings left me drained. Physically and mentally. I've rarely felt so good about myself as I did today. Another amazing thing is that the girls looked so much better afterwards, as though the focus and effort that I'd put into them had given me the ability to see them as the Lord saw them. Which made them beautiful.

I realized that I wanted to be someone that people felt like they could call when they had needs and wants. I wanted to be someone that could be counted on.

But most of all, I felt how grateful I was for the Lord's aid and love.

-Asmond (C)

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I think the mountain just might be too tall.

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My parents

I love my parents...

They came into town. I have an extra bedroom in my apartment. Heck, I'm really the only one who lives here. So they are staying here. My room-mates have kind of trashed the place. And I just haven't taken the effort to clean up, they cleaned for like two hours tonight. I don't deserve them.

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My super weakness

So, lately... for whatever reason I've actually decided I wanted to start working out. And I've started doing that. The problem is that when you don't work out for... years it's hard to get into it. I'm not in horrible shape... but I could stand to be in better. My muscles get SUPER sore particularly if I use a 'new' set... so I've taken to going to the hot tub to relax them... every time I go, even if I'm only in the jacuzzi for five minutes the next three hours are a struggle to stay awake. It puts me to sleep sooooooooooo fast.

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The Drive

My favorite part about living as far away from the epicenter of my social life is the drive home. Summer nights in Utah are something I'll never get out of my system. The day so hot and demanding turns cool, and as you drive past yards you can feel the wetness in the air as people water their lawns. My drive home takes me through a largely rural area. As rural as you can get without ever leaving Provo and Orem city boundaries anyway. The scent of the wet loam (I'm not really sure I can use the term Loam in this instance... I feel like I haven't baled enough hay to earn that right) fills me with joy. The wind rushing through my hair and against my face... If I could say that happiness had a physical representation, it would be that. Driving down a rural road in Utah at night with the windows down and a good song on the radio.

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More Dear

I was talking to a coworker today about how certain things are made more dear by the price we pay for them. And as I was walking by the cube of the girl mentioned in the post previous I wondered if my viewings of her do not increase in value to me based on their rarity and how hard it is for me to get them. They are limited to chance encounters, or me walking by her cube and peaking through the narrow gap where the partitions come together, a lucky glimpse of her face. These things are valuable to me, they are meaningful.

The things that come easy are soon forgotten, but the prizes fought and bleed for... we hold them close for ages.

To quote:

We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

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I see a woman at work.
I do not know her name, but she is beautiful.
Every time I see her our eyes lock, and we smile.

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For Janell

6) Do you own a Gundam?

No... but have you seen: This?
????

11) How well do you understand the statement “you cook
or you starve"?

I love to cook?

16) Three MUSTS of men:
1) Remove Spiders
2)Eat the left-overs
3)turn the grill on
4)mow the lawn
3)not correcting my inability to count

I could probably manage.

20) Definition of ideal home transportation methods

I'm not really sure what this means... but I think it would be wicked cool to have a fireman's pole in the house.

35) Will NEVER live in UT after college– especially with children

That's cool. Don't really care.

Do you feel the following to be of a brain-rotting nature:
44) Nintendo

Depends on the game. I think some games, particularly nintendo games (Brain Age) are good for the brain. Also depends on how often it is used.

46) TV in general

Mmm... it has a place... but I don't really watch it.

49) DVD player

No.

50) DSL

Ich, slow internet connections.

To what extent are the following accidents waiting to happen?
51) Trampoline

Yes.

52) Swimming pool

Home, yes. Public, not as much.

53) Wading pool

No.

54) Fireworks in closets

Yes.

55) Janell’s cooking

Insufficent data.

56) Janell’s organization system

I recall some posts about your system, seems better than mine... which is to throw it all away.

63) Does toast always fall butter side up or butter side down?

Who allows toast to fall? Burn them.

64) Is the glass half full or half empty?

What's in it and is it mine?

67) Have you ever eaten an entire box of Oreos?

Oreos don't come in boxes... except the BIG boxes... and no, I've never eaten 8 sleeves of Oreos in a sitting.

70) How many car accidents have you been involved in?

2. Neither of which I was driving for. Also, I've been in two collisions... which I was driving.

81) One pillow or two?

None?

87) Pencil or pen?

Pencil, Zebra .5 lead.

91) Is it true that flowers for no reason are the best?

True.

94) Whose parents are the best?

Insufficent data.

102) In the last 24 hours have you dissected something?

No.

111) Do you eat with your mouth open?

Only on purpose.

122) How do you feel about hunting?

Not interested.

123) Do you have anything against Easy Mac, Ramen Noodles,
and Campbell’s Soup?

Fine for you, I'll make something better if you'd care to wait.

127) How about Peanut butter and jelly, Tuna Fish, and Grilled
Cheese (slightly burnt)?

PB&J = no good, but... in regards to an earlier post
I'm allergic to fish, so Tuna is out.
I LOVE grilled cheese.

130) How do you tell when a pineapple is ripe?

I dislike Pineapple.

Translate the Following
135) PHC : PHP home compilier
136) PVC : Polyvinal Chloride
137) REM : Rapid Eye Movement
138) RAM : Random Access Memory
139) PRC : Peoples Republic of China
140) HTML : Hyper Text Markup Language

141) Did you just you a dictionary? No.

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Blessings of the Gospel.

If you aren't paying rent, you don't get to live in the apartment.

That's the contract. Now... apply that to gospel contracts.

If you aren't repenting your baptism doesn't do anything for you.

If you aren't being faithful to your wife, you aren't sealed to her.

That's the end. If you aren't filling your part of the contract God isn't filling his. Now granted, God's a pretty forgiving guy and 'his hands are stretched out still' but... it's all based on you and your willingness to do your part, since God is going to keep His end.

That's a little more blunt than I would have put it in the context that actually made me think this up. But... thinking about it makes me realize just how screwed I am.

Time to start riding again.

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Thoughts

Today it rained.

Today it rained and I walked out side and smelt the air, and the scent of the warm, wet wind took my mind back to a hundred moments unconnected except by that scent. I think I heard somewhere that the scent of rain these days is the result of pollution. And in my head I thought of the following scene:

Hero looked up at the rain, and let the drops fall softly on his hair. It wasn't a heavy rain, just a light drizzle. His soldiers moaned and hurried off to their tents hoping to avoid getting wet. Hero just let his senses wander, he marveled yet again at the smell of rain here. So unlike home, the rain here smelled pure and clean, not like the ozone filled scent of rain from his past. Or was it his future? Trapped in the past before combustion engines became the mainstay of society. Trapped fighting a war for an army history had taught him he would lose.

Hero sighed and shifted his cloak to cover his sword belt and flipped the hood up, he didn't look forward to rusted armor. But... how he wished he could be home where the rain was tainted and home was 400 miles and two hours away. He had been a no one there, and yet he longed for those days when all he had to worry about was if his drinking would make Wife angry.

"Wife." He said softly, letting her name escape--misting the air in front of his face. The words as visible and untouchable as her face was in his memory.

Horns called out shrill and morose in the falling darkness. Hero clung to the moment for as long as he could, one hand lifted to touch the smoke billowing out of his mouth into the chilled air, reaching out to touch Her. Just as quickly as the rain fell, he was brought back to the here and now, the Normands were coming and the men of England needed their commander. Hero nodded Baren, who he realized had been relating the most recent troop positions.

Hero looked up one last time, longingly, at the sky, and remembered the scent of rain.

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Just a quick update

I miss people. A lot.

Today I went to see Iron Man with my friend Jay. I miss being around people. I miss conversations that aren't about work. I miss feeling like I belong to a group of people. I can't wait to move closer to Campus, closer to people.

I just want to feel like my life has meaning again. Work isn't enough.

"I know that man up there on that cross. I don't know his name, but I know he got down."

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He had to take several deep breaths to steady himself, for this was the final and most decisive test of his skill.

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Tagged.

10 years ago today...
Krystal tagged me for this. Here are the rules: Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 3 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

5 things on my to-do list today:

Pay the remainder of my rent.
Don't get other people sick.
Get better.
Do the dishes.
Clean my room.

I enjoy:

Computers, computer games, video games, movies, books, nature, girls, flirting, cooking, programing, talking.

What would I do if I were suddenly a billionaire?

Fix my car, pay my debts... buy a new computer. On second thoughts... I'd just trade my car in and get a new one.

3 of my bad habits:

Lying/Extravagant Story Telling.
Sleeping in/staying up late.
Chocolate.

5 places I have lived:

Orem, Utah, U.S.A.
Chorleywood, Hertfordshire, U.K.
Grand Rapids, Michigan, U.S.A.
Watauga, Texas, U.S.A.
Mareietta, Georgia, U.S.A.


5 jobs I have had:

Overnight Stocker - Walmart
Installation Specialist - Apex Security
Game Adviser - GameSTOP
Technician (in charge of the public printing system on campus) - B.Y.U.
Assistant Manager - Coldstone Creamery

5 things you might not know about me:

I play MUDs.
I purchased my first watch ever just four months ago.
I'm addicted to Dove.
I only get four hair cuts a year.
I have been to all 48 mainland states.

I'm tagging: Th., Emily, Sarah.

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Confused

For the first time in a long time my emotions have gotten in the way of my mental capacity.

I do not know how to explain this feeling in my chest. I can't describe it as good or bad, I can't explain the cause of it, I can't even try and say things it is like. Because I simply don't know what words I would use.

If it had a color, the color would be muddy and gray, twisted and changing not storm like, too much brown and greens for a storm. But over all gray.

If it had a taste it would be mac and cheese with chili, and green beans, pizza and ice cream, some corn and a half a hot dog.

If it could be spelled, there would be a silent x, two l's but not together, a smattering of r's, a ph, but no fricatives.

I don't know where it comes from, I don't know how to get rid of it. All of my fixes have failed. I am at a loss as to what this is or how to fix it. I feel like a teenager again is this how what emotions feel like? I don't remember this sort of semi-pain. I only call it pain because that is the closest thing to it that I have a word for. I have begun to feel again, but I don't know how to deal with this I don't want to shut it away I want to sort it out but I have no idea how to do that. I think I would like to cry. That somehow weeping would get rid of this... mass in my chest.

How I want to weep. To curl up into a ball and wear myself out in crying. To squeeze this thing out of me like a towel until it has dripped away and left me dry and sane again. How do you cry?

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Some business to be taken care of:

First, there is a new interest in my life (when ISN'T there a new interest in my life?) her nick is 'Rain' or 雨(romaji ame).

Second, I predict that the new apostle will be a non-native English speaker. We are an international church and God has called two of his apostles to him. Age may have had something to do with it... but I think he also needed some representatives from other countries speaking more openly from the podium. I'm voting for Carlos R.M. Costa or Merril J. Bateman. I admit Bateman is a throwback favorite of mine since he was the president of BYU and I met him...

Third, if you haven't heard Uchtdorf has taken President Hinckley's (uh... in number not in position) spot on the First Presidency.

Fourth, and the real reason for this post:

雨(rain) has introduced me to something called the Hinckley Challenge. Which is basically a repetition of the challenge President Hinckley gave while he was alive only in 97 days, instead of a year. That's a day for every year he lived. I've decided to take this challenge and find that it is helping me find myself already. 雨 is a good influence on me. :) It's funny how things develop. I'll probably talk more about her in the future but... not yet.

風

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My tribute

I imagine it happened something like this:

After a round of chemo, the normally vibrant old man was tired. He was at home, a grandchild sitting next to him, in her chair. He looks at the chair, and longing is in his eyes. Then he looks at his grand child, and smiles, soon he asks for a moment so that he can pray before retiring. In his prayer he asks simply if his work is done for he longs to go home. The sweet assurance that he has come to love enters his mind and he slips peacefully into sleep.

The next day he calls his family together, to say goodbye. And like Lehi of old he give his advice to each. And then, he slips peacefully into another kind of sleep. Where his master and the woman of his life and dreams were waiting.

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Eyes to see, but no hands to heal.

I don't suppose I have much to say. I have a pseudo date with the girl that I went to the concert with on Friday. That should be entertaining. I just had a discussion with my non-LDS roommates about well... sex. In such a graphic manner as I have never before discussed the subject.

And then I talked to a dear friend of mine and they told me about getting drunk. I don't really consider myself an emotional person... but my upbringing has made me very indisposed to certain things. Like sex and substance abuse. I am sure that I have a myriad of sins and vices that eat away at my soul just as quickly... but when presented with a doobie I don't have to think. The answer is no.

But hearing about him drinking... I felt a wounded. I firmly believe that there is a path to happiness. The individual steps of that path are many but the concepts behind them are the same. There is an ultimate truth, this may be why I am so resistant to drugs that affect my mood (make me happy) because you must find happiness inside yourself. You can't rely on some external stimulus to make you happy. You have to be happy despite the external stimulus.

I don't know how to help my friend. They have some challenges that I don't know how to climb. Some challenges which I will never personally be asked to defeat. How do I let him see what I see? I see so much pain in the world but have no hands to mend. I hope God knows how to heal the hurts I see. I have to have faith that he does, I do have faith that he does. I just can't stand to see such dear friends pierced by so many wounds.

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Shucking the Soul

Have you ever had one of those moments where... all the disgusting clinging leaves and corn silk/corn hair suddenly fall free of your body and you--the part of you that is you and nothing else--are able to float in some sort of strange ethereal jelly? Divulged of all the trappings of mortality you exist in a plane of consciousness that allows you simply to be?

I had one of those moments today. I went to a piano concert at BYU where the splendidly talented gentleman played Fredrick Chopin's Piano Sonata 2 (The funeral march) although his version was much better (probably because it was in person and not by some crappy video camera...)

It was amazing. And when I came back to earth... I felt lighter.

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Something I've been thinking about for a while...

I just can't think of a good way to do this because the written form is more different than the verbal form.

[her-oh-in]


























Which were you thinking:

n. A white, odorless, bitter crystalline compound, C17H17NO(C2H3O2)2, that is derived from morphine and is a highly addictive narcotic. Also called diacetylmorphine.
n.

1. A woman noted for courage and daring action.
2. A woman noted for special achievement in a particular field.
3. The principal female character in a novel, poem, or dramatic presentation. See Usage Note at hero.

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