My Christmas Letter

>> Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Dear God,

My name is Cameron, I know you know me, I live at ____ right next to ___________. Perhaps you've looked down and seen me? This Christmas season I have perpared a list of things that I would like; feel free to give me that which is just and deserved.

1. A passion for something, anything. I'm not particular, I just want a reason tto make me anxious to arise in the morning.
2. A realization that there is a world outside of my own head; and a willingness to care for those who share it with me.
3. A best friend. Someone who calls me up if they didn't talk to me the day before because they missed me.
4. Someone to whom I can't wait to talk to every day, hopefully the same as the person in #3.
5. The strength of will to do what is difficult-or undesireable, but right.
6. A job that I enjoy, with a group of people that make me want to be a better person.
7. To feel good about using my temple recommend and all that is entailed in that.
8. To like myself.
9. A knowledge of what I should do with my life and how I should get there.

I appologize if these are somewhat related and are difficult to resolve without giving me everything else on the list. I guess that's just my way of making sure you give me everything on the list. I hope you and your family are well this Christmas season, and that I shall be able to talk with you again before next Christmas, say hello to everyone for me.

-Cameron

p.s. I thought of a 10th, please forgive me.

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Chivalry And Christmas

First: chivalry. I am quite fond of it, but not the type that people do these days so much, I'll hold a door open for someone if it is more convenient for me to do so. (The one, rather strange exception to this is letting girls into my car...I always open their doors for them while getting in, I suspect it has something to do with inspecting the car to make sure there are no men hiding in there in an attempt to rape/kill them.)

That said; Christmas. I suspect the reason I have no attachment to Christmas is that I have no general attachment to symbols. I just don't care about them. If I want to do something nice for someone, I'll do it I don't care if it's their birthday, secretary day, weekday or holiday. I don't see a need for a day set apart to be particularly nice to people. Shouldn't we be nice to people every day?

I suspect this lack of reverence to symbols is one of my failings in life. I have no symbols I respect. Power, influence, wealth, religion, etc. I do not care for these things, I do not imbue them with any power over me because they are things which receive not but the causitory response. This lack of power-given objects causes my life to be one with little or no direction. When there is nothing in life that is of greater worth than anything else all that can be sought after is comfort, ease or constancy. But even those things are not really sought, but rather the natural result of doing nothing but what is absolutely needed to maintain life.

Why care about life when there is no vitalizing power in it. My favorite movies are things like Gattaca, Rudy and October Sky. Why? Because they all have characters in them which posses the one thing I lack: desire. "O god, I could be bound in a nut-shell and count myself king of infinite-space, were it not that I have bad dreams."

-Cameron

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Two Weeks Notice

>> Saturday, December 24, 2005

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've been thinking about the things that I need to do with my life, and how exactly I'm going to accomplish them. I've come to a few conclusions:

1. I cannot do all the things I want to do and still have a happy fulfilling life.
2. I cannot continue to do what I want to do or else I will never do what I need to do.
3. God has waited long enough, and I need to stop stalling.
4. I do not have the funds to make it through next semester without a job.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that I'm going to have to take some steps.

First, a breakdown of what I do with my time: Blog, BB, and C-Gaming; School; Church; Work; Social life-dating, hanging out with 'the guys.' In that list only the first category can go, and since it takes up the majority of my time as is...it's going to have to go. To that end, I am officially turning in my two weeks notice. Two weeks from today, on January the 6th, my blog will be erased. My BB account will be erased and I my Video games will be either returned to my home where they will be brought out on special occasions or sold.

Second, this has been solved by fixing #1.

Third, Part of #2, the time spent Blogging/BBing will now be spent doing homework and reading the scriptures; and if I get really ambitious...praying.

Four, I will get a job, hopefully an AM janitorial position, this will cause me to keep a regular schedule. I need this.

To quote, "I want to do great things, I just don't want to do them alone." If I continue down the path I am currently treading it will only lead to loneliness and despair. My only hope of salvaging something from my life is to stand and fight against the forces that are slowly sucking away my will to live outside of the four walls that are the edges of my computer screen. I will continue to write, I will continue to read a few blogs (read: My roomies and possibly girls to whom I am attracted) I will not post here. I will go to all three hours of church. I will go on a date every other week. I will stop my self-depreciating habits and begin to look for things that will benefit those around me. I will volunteer somewhere, hopefully somewhere that I can read to little children.

This is harder than I thought it would be to write...but I've always said no secrets, so... I will begin going to counseling again. I will attempt to have emotional attachment to people. I will do all of my school work early or on time. I will miss you all. I will never forget you. I will continue to write...but it will probably be on my story, instead of on here.

I will pray.

I will mean what I pray.

I will cry.

Thanks to everyone who gave so much to me here, I'm sorry I have to leave...but I hope you will understand.

-Asmond
(Cameron Boyce)

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White -> Black

>> Tuesday, December 20, 2005

It has come to my attention that I am: not as smart as I think I am, not as dilligent as I need to be, and nowhere near as good as I want to be. This realization comes with another, I have been identified as a white, but something Katya said made me think. You see, I don't test white. I test the way I want to test. What does that mean? I think I'm turning black.

Bah, stop your muttering, I'm not concerned with what you think I am. I know me, I know the reasons I do things, and I'm telling you, I don't care for anyone but myself. Sure I do nice things for others, mostly because I want to feel good inside. But the problem is there isn't anything left inside to feel. So I strive for some sort of passion--some release from the tyrany of emptiness--that will fill up the void within me; and nothing works.

Today I met a girl whom I thought I could enjoy spending more time with. The problem is I don't trust myself in a relationship. Not after Sunday. Not after that. I wonder if this is a multitude of little marbles, or just one, or even none at all. Perhaps it's time for me to go back and share. The only question I have is what should I share? I am an open person, I will tell you about me if you ask(it might take a few times asking...but it'll come) I just don't open up to people.

I'm begining to think it's because there is nothing left to open up.

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The Value of a Life

>> Wednesday, December 07, 2005

I took a test today, you know one of those stupid ones about what kind of person you are. One of the question, "Would you rather die, or let 10 random other people in the world die?" "A thousand?" I put yes, I'd die so that 10 or 1,000 others could live. But then I thought about it. How much am I worth?

Being someone who understands that the Gospel has been restored someone who can influence others to follow that path, is my life of more value than ten people who don't believe? Who don't follow? Ten murders? Ten children? Ten old men with one foot in the grave as it is? How much am I worth?

How much good is there to be gained by allowing them to pass onto the next world and allow me to stay here and preach the gospel to those who are also left to learn. Which is more important? Which choice should be made, yourself with all the flaws, and frailties, all the strengths and faiths; or the nameless masses? What happens when those ten become faces? When it's Renee the gentleman I baptized in my last area? When it's my sister? My child? My friend? My wife? How much does God value my life? How much repentance do I need to do to repay all the lost moments of my life where I forgot to be the brother, the saint I should have been?

I'm in a hurry to get things done. But it's all for me, I never look around and ponder, what can I do for my brother, whom I worry about. Or my sister who I can see walking the same dark steps I walked. Is it better that one man should LIVE than that a nation should dwindle in unbelief?

-Asmond

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Late night stories

Just something I wrote, and the quote that inspired it:

"Kids like Henry need a hero--courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us, everybody loves a hero. People line up for them, cheer them, scream their names, and years later they’ll tell how they stood in the rain for hours, just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them to hold on, just a second longer. I believe there is a hero in all of us that gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride. Even though sometimes we have to be steady and give up the thing we want the most, even our dreams. Spiderman did that for Henry. He wonder’s where he’s gone, he needs him."



“Take a seat, I hope you don’t mind waiting while I prepare some hot chocolate, it’s cold out tonight. It’s a cold season and I need the warmth. Please, sit, I won’t be but a moment. Here, have a mug, its not just these old bones what are cold on a night like this. Hear that; the wind, howling past the chimneys? It’s night like tonight that make an old man gather kin around and tell stories of time long past. Well, I don’t have any kin, so you’ll have to do.
“What would you like to hear? I’ve been around a long time, I’ve been in the thick of many things, some what seemed small at the time but which have been made great over the years. You see, life’s made up of small things that become great. You think that Washington living through it thought the war great? Perhaps, perhaps you sometimes get a glimpse—like Washington on the Potomac—that you are about great things. But still, the wind bit just the same.
“So, what will it be?
“Ahh, so you know a little about Luke do you? My grade school mate he was, a good man. You’d like to hear his story? Very well, sit down and make yourself comfortable it’ll be a long spell this weather and shut us in through the night and this is the perfect night for such a story.”
The old man sits, staring into his mug, before saying softly, “You’ll be knowing about Luke then. He was different, a tad different from the rest of us. You see, Luke wasn’t the smartest; he wasn’t the fastest or the strongest even. But he was a good man, the kind of man people like to be around. He made you feel important just by listening to you. There was something about him, an air perhaps he sensed in himself the power that was beginning to take shape. He always used to smile as we would fantasize about becoming great men in the world.”
“Would say, “Braden, I don’t think heroes care too much for their own adventures, they just do what needs to be done.” Oh yes, he said that a time or two. I see the look of surprise on your face, the books tell it a little different now don’t they? Lucas the Lumient always calm in the face of danger. Always there with the solution to every problem.”
Again the old man pauses to take a long swallow from his mug. Looking up as the whistling of the wind picked up again. “’tis a bitter night, the wind runs foul. Luke always said you could tell the day by the wind, but he heard things on the wind that normal folk don’t. I wonder what its saying now?” A long pause as the old man stares out the window listening to the ragged howling outside.
“I don’t suppose I’ll ever know, not the way Luke did.” A sigh, “No, I don’t suppose I’ll know quite like that. Luke would always listen to the wind, said it whispered in a language he could almost understand. Like when you could hear your parents talking through the door on Christmas Eve but could never quite understand what they were saying.”

* * *

Luke glanced up with a smile as Braden came rushing in his hair sticking every which way, “How’s Jenny?” He asked not really waiting for an answer before delving into his book.
“Good, good, how’d you sleep?” Lopsided grin grows beneath the helter-skelter hair as he dashes into the back room for a second coming back with both arms full of various food items and cooking utensils. “Anyway, gotta go, she’s waiting for me!” Braden shouts as he dashes out the door again and down the stairs, gone before Luke ever even registers the words.
The smile spreads wider on his face as he stands up to glance out the window to see Braden sliding his lanky body into the car waiting in the grey mist of it’s own exhaust. He turns back and throwing his book on the sofa walks over to the cupboard opening it he stares at the package of spaghetti and old cereal bars he bought months ago. Grunting he closed the cupboard door again, slumping back into his seat on the sofa.
Just as he did the wind rattled the windows.
“Kazoku ve irikitai len.” He sighed listening to the wind, puzzling over meaning. Always the wind spoke the soft swift words which seemed almost magical drifting to him through the shutters. Words he could almost understand, almost taste the meaning of.

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>> Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Tonight I re-accquanticed myself with Panini, awesome blog. It was one of those moments when worlds colide and you are left wondering what the heck happened to your life. Panini you see, was my TA my freshman year. I think she was a Junior at the time and is older, and taller than myself.

We, with a much smaller group of people than were supposed to go, went to watch Serenity. We got to the theater and Panini asks, "Is this a Sci Fi movie?" *nod* "We should watch Flight Plan." I had two problems with this. First, I'd read a review about it earlier that day and had no interest in watching it, at all. Second, knowing that I don't enjoy movies that the people I watch them with don't enjoy, I knew I wasn't going to enjoy it as much this time around. BUT, I'd paid to see this movie, and it just felt slightly morally wrong to just walk into flight plan even if 3/5 people didn't enjoy the movie very much.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about a lot of things, what the world is all about and how I'm supposed to fit into it all.

If I walked away today,
would it matter?
If I forgot to wake up tomorrow,
what would happen?
If I changed my choice yesterday,
would I still be alone?

When tomorrow comes will I be there?
When yesterday made it's mark did I contribute?
When today is over will I have made a difference?

Why did yesterday pass away,
leaving me with it's husk?
Why did today come around,
knowing that it's too late to fix?
Why did tomorrow pass between my fingers,
slipping through too fast to keep.



I think that's about it for tonight, I'll play around with that poem a bit later I'm sure. Sleep must needs come, too much thinking.

-Asmond Woodruff

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Zee Cold

>> Monday, December 05, 2005

As I have previously stated, I hate the cold. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't one of my typical, "I hate" statements. No, I actually mean this one. I hate cold more than I hate mushrooms and the smell of raw fish, and that pringly sensation you get in your legs when the blood rushes back into them. More even than I hate confronting people when I know I'm in the wrong.

This is a hate that runs deeper than oceans. This is a hate with such passion that the stars themselves quiver and quell in fear of being burned in one fell swoop consumed in my angers fire.

Yes, you are beginning to understand my deep loathing for the cold. I despise it more than anything you can imagine.

Why do I carry such deep anti-affection for cold temperatures? Well, I blame it all on the fact that as a child I got bronchial asthma, basically when it's cold...I can't breathe. Then of course I got sent on my mission to Texas where I was the glad recipient of wonderful warm temperatures. Until February when it turned cold, cold and humid and I had to ride my bike around in that temperature. It was so cold you could spit and hear the ice shatter when it made contact with the cement. It was so cold I would puke just to get some sort of movement in the bowels.

And then I came home to Utah and it was cold, but not wet it didn't penetrate. Then it turned summer again and I realized...being cold is stupid, the only reason to be cold is if you go to hell. Which is enough of a reason to repent in my mind. Other than that, I will turn the heat up to 80 degrees in my apartment, I'll huddle in sweaters, jackets and blankets, and then when all is said and done and I can leave this place that gets cold I'm moving somewhere warm... Like maybe Sol. I think I'd like it better there.

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