Sometimes I think I am my own worst enemy.

I look at the world around me and keep hoping for a girlfriend or a wife, why? Not because I want a family or anything like that...I just want to share my life with someone. I want someone who I like for who they are. Someone who will let me talk their ears off, who I can get mad at and they won't walk away. I want someone who will make me shed the tears I hide. I want someone who will be there for me when I want them, and when I don't. Someone I can talk to, and who will talk to me. I want to be part of someone else's life on a level where there are no secrets, I want to be able to wake up in the morning excited to talk to them, to hear what they have to say, and to share with them my dream, or my thought.

I've never had many close friends, never really met anyone who I can just talk to. I've always felt like I was on the outside of the shop looking in. Never included but always kinda there...Hovering around the edges. But I've always wanted to be inside. That's why I do some of the things I do, goad people into saying things, and doing things. Not because I dislike them, or think less of the,m, but because I want them to take notice of me...to call me up and ask to hang out sometime. I want them to call me out of the blue just to say hello, share some stupid story about spitting out the car and hitting your leg. And then go on with the rest of my day being reminded of them every time I look at that weird stain on my pants.

I can't remember where I heard this, and I know the quote isn't quite right but....

"The only universal human condition is loneliness."

I think it was while I was watching scrubs... In fact I know it is... when JD realizes that his Dad is just another guy, struggling to make it through life, a guy who sleeps on his couch when he comes to visit because he can't afford a hotel. A guy who goes off to visit an old friend not because he wants to see him, but because he might be able to sell him something, and he really needs to sell something.

I suppose one of these days I'll get over it, either in this life or the next, but I sure hope it comes soon.

-Asmond

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Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Well, at approx. 9;34, this morning I finished the book. It started around 12:50 last night with a small interuption around 1:20 so that my room-mate (whom I convinced to let me read it...I did go buy it for him), read the first chapter. Begun again about 1:47. I must admit I did take a break around 6:20 to snag some sphagetti O's, and then again around 9;00 when I drifted off to sleep for a few seconds....Okay twenty minutes. But all in all, a WONDERFUL book! Although...it leaves me really hungry for book seven...which of course won't come out for several more years. Dang these authors...they need to travel back in time and realease all of their books similtaniously.

On the plus side, I discovered a third book to the Alta series at border's yesterday...read part of it before I got called on a job(but it was an expensive 24$(Harry Potter was only 16!)) so I had to leave it there. And book two of the Eragon trilogy is going to be released here in the next...month or so...yay! Two books I've been waiting since I came home from my mission almost here and one just read...I wonder what to read next...

Anyway, I bet I beat everyone!

-Asmond

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ABC's...

A- Age you got your first kiss: 17
B - Band listening to right now: N/A
C - Crush(s): Meg, Katie, Em, etc. I'm fickle...so shoot me.
D- Dad's name: Earl
E - Easiest person [people] to talk to: Novel, Uffish, Jason.
F - Favorite band at the moment: Gin Blossoms
G - gummy bears: That's a neat TV show.
H - Hometown: Orem, UT
I - Instruments: Violin
J- Juice: Where? I want some!
K - Kids: see above.
L - Longest car ride ever: Every other summer we drive to Mass., one summer we drove to Maine as well...
M - Mom's name: Debby
N - Nicknames: Camshaft, Asmond, Cam, Timone, Elder Enstine.
O - One wish: I need to find that loader...Uffish is prob. the only one who will get this.
P - Phobia[s]: Not having done anything important in life.
Q - Quote: "What have you done today, that earns for you another tomorrow?" -Anon.
R - Reason to smile: Friday Night...and M&M's.
S - Song you sang last: The closing hymn...I can't remember what it was.
T - Time you woke up [today]: 7:30.
U - Unknown fact about me: Uhm...I love chick flicks?
V - Vegetable you hate: Corn.
W - Worst habit(s): Pointing out when people say false things.
X - X-rays you've had: Arm, teeth?
Y - Yummy food: Beef Stew...yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Z - Zodiac sign: Gemini

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MARRIAGE? WHAT?

Well, here goes a very large amount of making Asmond look silly.

I did one of those, "First, Last, Current." type deal-i-os the other day, and here are some of the questions: First girl you kissed. Well, it was: A. Last girl you kissed...yeah, still A. First Girlfriend; A. Last Girlfriend A. Last time you made out...never.

So, it all pretty much boiled down to this inevitable fact: I've only had one girlfriend ever...and we broke up five years ago. Why is this? I'm not quite sure. It's not as if I haven't liked girls...'cause I have. The problem arises in my follow through. I like several girls, but I don't have the follow through ability. I've gotten to know them to the point that I think to myself...nah. Take the current options. Vanessa is cool, but uhm...no, just nothing there. Katie is cool, but...yeah, there are some problems with that one. And the rest? Well, they are all about the same level as Katie.

What is my problem? Why do I have such a hard time settling on a girl? I mean there are plenty of nice ones out there... I'd like to date around get to know a girl or two, get my heart broken a time or two. The problem? Well, now that I've come home from my mission I feel like my next girlfriend HAS to be my wife. She doesn't, and rationally I realize this, but something deep inside of me keeps telling me that my next girlfriend is going to be marriable material. Is that too high of a standard to keep? Am I even ready for marriage? The answer to both is a resounding...maybe. I would like to get out there and date some...but I feel as though society has forced me into a point where I can no longer just date for fun, but that I am forced to find the girl that I can live with for the rest of my life.

And at a fairly young age, I'm only 22. But...at the same time I'm forced to take on a role that I don't think I'm ready for. I don't know what I want in a girl, how can I? I mean...I've only ever had one girlfriend...Ahh shoot. Anyway, I'm just a little frustrated. I want to have some 'fun' relationships. But I just don't feel like that's possible anymore. And I'm quite sad about that innocence lost. I missed out on a wonderful time in High School/Freshman year when I could have gone out and dated all of these girls and not had to worry about what they thought, not had to worry about getting married and settling down, buying a minivan and having 2.5 kids and a dog. Not have to worry about supporting those kids through college and then seeing them get married and moving out and having grand kids and paying for the weddings and having them go on missions and serving faithfully.

Wow...random tangent. Anyway, I think life is good now, and I've gotten that off of my chest. But does anyone else feel this way? I hate it! oh...and if you're a girl, and you're cute, and you read this...I'm accepting dating applications...non-serious applicants only please.

-Asmond

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