The Drive

My favorite part about living as far away from the epicenter of my social life is the drive home. Summer nights in Utah are something I'll never get out of my system. The day so hot and demanding turns cool, and as you drive past yards you can feel the wetness in the air as people water their lawns. My drive home takes me through a largely rural area. As rural as you can get without ever leaving Provo and Orem city boundaries anyway. The scent of the wet loam (I'm not really sure I can use the term Loam in this instance... I feel like I haven't baled enough hay to earn that right) fills me with joy. The wind rushing through my hair and against my face... If I could say that happiness had a physical representation, it would be that. Driving down a rural road in Utah at night with the windows down and a good song on the radio.

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More Dear

I was talking to a coworker today about how certain things are made more dear by the price we pay for them. And as I was walking by the cube of the girl mentioned in the post previous I wondered if my viewings of her do not increase in value to me based on their rarity and how hard it is for me to get them. They are limited to chance encounters, or me walking by her cube and peaking through the narrow gap where the partitions come together, a lucky glimpse of her face. These things are valuable to me, they are meaningful.

The things that come easy are soon forgotten, but the prizes fought and bleed for... we hold them close for ages.

To quote:

We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

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I see a woman at work.
I do not know her name, but she is beautiful.
Every time I see her our eyes lock, and we smile.

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For Janell

6) Do you own a Gundam?

No... but have you seen: This?
????

11) How well do you understand the statement “you cook
or you starve"?

I love to cook?

16) Three MUSTS of men:
1) Remove Spiders
2)Eat the left-overs
3)turn the grill on
4)mow the lawn
3)not correcting my inability to count

I could probably manage.

20) Definition of ideal home transportation methods

I'm not really sure what this means... but I think it would be wicked cool to have a fireman's pole in the house.

35) Will NEVER live in UT after college– especially with children

That's cool. Don't really care.

Do you feel the following to be of a brain-rotting nature:
44) Nintendo

Depends on the game. I think some games, particularly nintendo games (Brain Age) are good for the brain. Also depends on how often it is used.

46) TV in general

Mmm... it has a place... but I don't really watch it.

49) DVD player

No.

50) DSL

Ich, slow internet connections.

To what extent are the following accidents waiting to happen?
51) Trampoline

Yes.

52) Swimming pool

Home, yes. Public, not as much.

53) Wading pool

No.

54) Fireworks in closets

Yes.

55) Janell’s cooking

Insufficent data.

56) Janell’s organization system

I recall some posts about your system, seems better than mine... which is to throw it all away.

63) Does toast always fall butter side up or butter side down?

Who allows toast to fall? Burn them.

64) Is the glass half full or half empty?

What's in it and is it mine?

67) Have you ever eaten an entire box of Oreos?

Oreos don't come in boxes... except the BIG boxes... and no, I've never eaten 8 sleeves of Oreos in a sitting.

70) How many car accidents have you been involved in?

2. Neither of which I was driving for. Also, I've been in two collisions... which I was driving.

81) One pillow or two?

None?

87) Pencil or pen?

Pencil, Zebra .5 lead.

91) Is it true that flowers for no reason are the best?

True.

94) Whose parents are the best?

Insufficent data.

102) In the last 24 hours have you dissected something?

No.

111) Do you eat with your mouth open?

Only on purpose.

122) How do you feel about hunting?

Not interested.

123) Do you have anything against Easy Mac, Ramen Noodles,
and Campbell’s Soup?

Fine for you, I'll make something better if you'd care to wait.

127) How about Peanut butter and jelly, Tuna Fish, and Grilled
Cheese (slightly burnt)?

PB&J = no good, but... in regards to an earlier post
I'm allergic to fish, so Tuna is out.
I LOVE grilled cheese.

130) How do you tell when a pineapple is ripe?

I dislike Pineapple.

Translate the Following
135) PHC : PHP home compilier
136) PVC : Polyvinal Chloride
137) REM : Rapid Eye Movement
138) RAM : Random Access Memory
139) PRC : Peoples Republic of China
140) HTML : Hyper Text Markup Language

141) Did you just you a dictionary? No.

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Blessings of the Gospel.

If you aren't paying rent, you don't get to live in the apartment.

That's the contract. Now... apply that to gospel contracts.

If you aren't repenting your baptism doesn't do anything for you.

If you aren't being faithful to your wife, you aren't sealed to her.

That's the end. If you aren't filling your part of the contract God isn't filling his. Now granted, God's a pretty forgiving guy and 'his hands are stretched out still' but... it's all based on you and your willingness to do your part, since God is going to keep His end.

That's a little more blunt than I would have put it in the context that actually made me think this up. But... thinking about it makes me realize just how screwed I am.

Time to start riding again.

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Thoughts

Today it rained.

Today it rained and I walked out side and smelt the air, and the scent of the warm, wet wind took my mind back to a hundred moments unconnected except by that scent. I think I heard somewhere that the scent of rain these days is the result of pollution. And in my head I thought of the following scene:

Hero looked up at the rain, and let the drops fall softly on his hair. It wasn't a heavy rain, just a light drizzle. His soldiers moaned and hurried off to their tents hoping to avoid getting wet. Hero just let his senses wander, he marveled yet again at the smell of rain here. So unlike home, the rain here smelled pure and clean, not like the ozone filled scent of rain from his past. Or was it his future? Trapped in the past before combustion engines became the mainstay of society. Trapped fighting a war for an army history had taught him he would lose.

Hero sighed and shifted his cloak to cover his sword belt and flipped the hood up, he didn't look forward to rusted armor. But... how he wished he could be home where the rain was tainted and home was 400 miles and two hours away. He had been a no one there, and yet he longed for those days when all he had to worry about was if his drinking would make Wife angry.

"Wife." He said softly, letting her name escape--misting the air in front of his face. The words as visible and untouchable as her face was in his memory.

Horns called out shrill and morose in the falling darkness. Hero clung to the moment for as long as he could, one hand lifted to touch the smoke billowing out of his mouth into the chilled air, reaching out to touch Her. Just as quickly as the rain fell, he was brought back to the here and now, the Normands were coming and the men of England needed their commander. Hero nodded Baren, who he realized had been relating the most recent troop positions.

Hero looked up one last time, longingly, at the sky, and remembered the scent of rain.

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Just a quick update

I miss people. A lot.

Today I went to see Iron Man with my friend Jay. I miss being around people. I miss conversations that aren't about work. I miss feeling like I belong to a group of people. I can't wait to move closer to Campus, closer to people.

I just want to feel like my life has meaning again. Work isn't enough.

"I know that man up there on that cross. I don't know his name, but I know he got down."

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He had to take several deep breaths to steady himself, for this was the final and most decisive test of his skill.

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Tagged.

10 years ago today...
Krystal tagged me for this. Here are the rules: Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 3 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

5 things on my to-do list today:

Pay the remainder of my rent.
Don't get other people sick.
Get better.
Do the dishes.
Clean my room.

I enjoy:

Computers, computer games, video games, movies, books, nature, girls, flirting, cooking, programing, talking.

What would I do if I were suddenly a billionaire?

Fix my car, pay my debts... buy a new computer. On second thoughts... I'd just trade my car in and get a new one.

3 of my bad habits:

Lying/Extravagant Story Telling.
Sleeping in/staying up late.
Chocolate.

5 places I have lived:

Orem, Utah, U.S.A.
Chorleywood, Hertfordshire, U.K.
Grand Rapids, Michigan, U.S.A.
Watauga, Texas, U.S.A.
Mareietta, Georgia, U.S.A.


5 jobs I have had:

Overnight Stocker - Walmart
Installation Specialist - Apex Security
Game Adviser - GameSTOP
Technician (in charge of the public printing system on campus) - B.Y.U.
Assistant Manager - Coldstone Creamery

5 things you might not know about me:

I play MUDs.
I purchased my first watch ever just four months ago.
I'm addicted to Dove.
I only get four hair cuts a year.
I have been to all 48 mainland states.

I'm tagging: Th., Emily, Sarah.

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Confused

For the first time in a long time my emotions have gotten in the way of my mental capacity.

I do not know how to explain this feeling in my chest. I can't describe it as good or bad, I can't explain the cause of it, I can't even try and say things it is like. Because I simply don't know what words I would use.

If it had a color, the color would be muddy and gray, twisted and changing not storm like, too much brown and greens for a storm. But over all gray.

If it had a taste it would be mac and cheese with chili, and green beans, pizza and ice cream, some corn and a half a hot dog.

If it could be spelled, there would be a silent x, two l's but not together, a smattering of r's, a ph, but no fricatives.

I don't know where it comes from, I don't know how to get rid of it. All of my fixes have failed. I am at a loss as to what this is or how to fix it. I feel like a teenager again is this how what emotions feel like? I don't remember this sort of semi-pain. I only call it pain because that is the closest thing to it that I have a word for. I have begun to feel again, but I don't know how to deal with this I don't want to shut it away I want to sort it out but I have no idea how to do that. I think I would like to cry. That somehow weeping would get rid of this... mass in my chest.

How I want to weep. To curl up into a ball and wear myself out in crying. To squeeze this thing out of me like a towel until it has dripped away and left me dry and sane again. How do you cry?

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Some business to be taken care of:

First, there is a new interest in my life (when ISN'T there a new interest in my life?) her nick is 'Rain' or 雨(romaji ame).

Second, I predict that the new apostle will be a non-native English speaker. We are an international church and God has called two of his apostles to him. Age may have had something to do with it... but I think he also needed some representatives from other countries speaking more openly from the podium. I'm voting for Carlos R.M. Costa or Merril J. Bateman. I admit Bateman is a throwback favorite of mine since he was the president of BYU and I met him...

Third, if you haven't heard Uchtdorf has taken President Hinckley's (uh... in number not in position) spot on the First Presidency.

Fourth, and the real reason for this post:

雨(rain) has introduced me to something called the Hinckley Challenge. Which is basically a repetition of the challenge President Hinckley gave while he was alive only in 97 days, instead of a year. That's a day for every year he lived. I've decided to take this challenge and find that it is helping me find myself already. 雨 is a good influence on me. :) It's funny how things develop. I'll probably talk more about her in the future but... not yet.

風

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My tribute

I imagine it happened something like this:

After a round of chemo, the normally vibrant old man was tired. He was at home, a grandchild sitting next to him, in her chair. He looks at the chair, and longing is in his eyes. Then he looks at his grand child, and smiles, soon he asks for a moment so that he can pray before retiring. In his prayer he asks simply if his work is done for he longs to go home. The sweet assurance that he has come to love enters his mind and he slips peacefully into sleep.

The next day he calls his family together, to say goodbye. And like Lehi of old he give his advice to each. And then, he slips peacefully into another kind of sleep. Where his master and the woman of his life and dreams were waiting.

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Eyes to see, but no hands to heal.

I don't suppose I have much to say. I have a pseudo date with the girl that I went to the concert with on Friday. That should be entertaining. I just had a discussion with my non-LDS roommates about well... sex. In such a graphic manner as I have never before discussed the subject.

And then I talked to a dear friend of mine and they told me about getting drunk. I don't really consider myself an emotional person... but my upbringing has made me very indisposed to certain things. Like sex and substance abuse. I am sure that I have a myriad of sins and vices that eat away at my soul just as quickly... but when presented with a doobie I don't have to think. The answer is no.

But hearing about him drinking... I felt a wounded. I firmly believe that there is a path to happiness. The individual steps of that path are many but the concepts behind them are the same. There is an ultimate truth, this may be why I am so resistant to drugs that affect my mood (make me happy) because you must find happiness inside yourself. You can't rely on some external stimulus to make you happy. You have to be happy despite the external stimulus.

I don't know how to help my friend. They have some challenges that I don't know how to climb. Some challenges which I will never personally be asked to defeat. How do I let him see what I see? I see so much pain in the world but have no hands to mend. I hope God knows how to heal the hurts I see. I have to have faith that he does, I do have faith that he does. I just can't stand to see such dear friends pierced by so many wounds.

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Shucking the Soul

Have you ever had one of those moments where... all the disgusting clinging leaves and corn silk/corn hair suddenly fall free of your body and you--the part of you that is you and nothing else--are able to float in some sort of strange ethereal jelly? Divulged of all the trappings of mortality you exist in a plane of consciousness that allows you simply to be?

I had one of those moments today. I went to a piano concert at BYU where the splendidly talented gentleman played Fredrick Chopin's Piano Sonata 2 (The funeral march) although his version was much better (probably because it was in person and not by some crappy video camera...)

It was amazing. And when I came back to earth... I felt lighter.

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Something I've been thinking about for a while...

I just can't think of a good way to do this because the written form is more different than the verbal form.

[her-oh-in]


























Which were you thinking:

n. A white, odorless, bitter crystalline compound, C17H17NO(C2H3O2)2, that is derived from morphine and is a highly addictive narcotic. Also called diacetylmorphine.
n.

1. A woman noted for courage and daring action.
2. A woman noted for special achievement in a particular field.
3. The principal female character in a novel, poem, or dramatic presentation. See Usage Note at hero.

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Out of Georgia

I'm leaving here today.

First thing I did when I woke up an hour earlier than I had planned: Defend the Jehovah's Witnesses. Weird.

I find it strange how people who preach free thought seek to limit it. (Atheists in their need to destroy religion.) How people who pretend to follow Jesus Christ cannot seem to love their neighbor. How the Muslims feel the need to attack everything that isn't 'me.'

I re-entered the LDS faith because it taught to accept all truth. And yet I find most members willing only to walk safely behind line of 'accepted' truth.

Why is mankind so afraid of everything that he cannot identify as 'me?' How can we expect to be happy if we live in a constant state of fear?

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I'm scared. It's all going to change starting tomorrow. I'm not going to let another amazing girl slip through my fingers.

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Christmas Wishes

I hope everyone has the best of days today, this season, and throughout the coming year.

Things I wish for you:

To be filled with the love of the Savior whose birth we celebrate, and life we seek to emulate. I hope this love manifests itself in two ways, your love for others--your ability to see past their shortcomings and flaws and truly wish them the best--and that you may love yourself so completely, as HE loves you.

Good music. To uplift the spirit, fill the heart and rest the mind.

Laughter. To cure the sadness, to forge precious memories and to light the darkness.

But mostly just the first, God bless you my friends, my brothers and sisters.

-CAB

P.S. Please respond to the last post!

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A character in a story

If you were a character in a story... how would you be described upon introduction?

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The Tempest is Raging

Master, with anguish of spirit
I bow in my grief today
The depths of my sad heart are troubled
Oh, waken and save, I pray!
Torrents of sin and of anguish
Sweep o'er my sinking soul
And I perish! I perish! dear Master
Oh, hasten, and take control.

Today my father couldn't sleep. As I keep hours that allow me to be awake during the night. I also was awake. He wanted to have a talk with me. We covered a wide array of things and ended up talking most about Love. When it comes down to it, everything is about love. It is the driving force in everything we do. Those who lose it, cease to function unless they can replace it. It started because we were talking about my sister, and his worries for her. I didn't know how to answer his queries. So I gave him the answer that works for every question about how to help someone:

Walk forward. And love them enough that they want to and can follow.

That's the gospel boiled down into simplest form. What God does for us, what we do for others. I guess John said it first, "God is Love." (1 John 4:8)

All this time searching for meaning to find it in the words of one very old gentleman (I suppose he has or will soon celebrate his 2000th birthday) who knows a lot more than I do. I was also asked advice from a young acquaintance of mine about how to deal with a sticky situation with a male friend of hers who has become excommunicated from the church. I gave her much the same advice only modified since she has no stewardship over this young man.

My father also said that he didn't think I would be happy if part of my profession did not involve listening to people and helping them solve their problems. I agree. Does that mean I need to become a shrink?

The winds and the waves obey Thy will
Peace, be still!
Whether the wrath of the storm tossed sea
Or demons or men, or whatever it be
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean, and earth, and skies
They all shall sweetly obey Thy will
Peace, be still! Peace, be still!
They all shall sweetly obey Thy will
Peace, peace, be still!

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