Self-Image

This isn't going to have a whole lot of cohesiveness...so feel free to skip.

Today I got a call from the office manager asking me when would be a good time tomorrow for me to do a job. Well...I asked why? As normally the jobs tomorrow would be given in order of the rotation and I was certainly not going to be next on the rotation. Well, she said that the salesman specifically asked for me. I have no idea why, but for some reason this guy (one of our best salesmen) thinks that I do a good job and wanted me to do a particularly difficult job. I don't get it though? I'm not one of the best Techs...yeah my systems all work and the only service calls I get are from people who are canceling...but...I'm not the fastest, I'm not the best by any means. Why would they want me?

I keep thinking that perhaps I have a self-image problem. I was talking to someone the other day and I told them that it was very easy to compare the best parts of others with the worst parts of ourselves. Trying to convince her of the things that I thought were amazing about her, she kept saying that she wasn't as smart and that she was somehow 'sneaking' her way into getting people to think she is smarter than she actually is. (The girl is the freaking Valedictorian of a class of 700+). So do I suffer from similar problems? Just now I was talking to Novel and I told her that I wasn't exactly prime rib. She made a comment that got me thinking, "Who wants prime rib anyway?" Well, the answer: A lot of Men. "And that's what you want?" "Well...okay, so I'm not a ceaser salad with all the fixings." I realized that I had been making a generality, assuming that EVERYONE wants the same thing. Everyone wants Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, or Britney Spears. But they don't, Uffish likes Tomato Sandwiches, I hate tomatos. Somewhere out there, there is someone that is looking for a plate full of Asmond(maybe a bowl...I like soups more often than anything else...so I think I'd defiantly be a soup...not something you could put on a plate...yes, a nice thick hearty stew...yummy...I miss Mom's cooking) and I just have to figure out who she is.

I don't have to worry that I'm Sauerkraut or Blood Sausage, Tripe or Menudo, someone out there thinks those things are good! I think they are a little off their rocker, but someone likes them. So...I guess I don't need to worry so much about becoming the person that everyone wants and just become the person I can live with for the rest of eternity.

A couple more random thought sand then I'll end I think: My arm is all scratched up, I'm going to have tons of scars after this summer, today’s battle wounds with the wire striper, the needle nose and my drill: A long scrape from the elbow to two inches below the base of the thumb--cause: Bending over and scraping my arm across a drill bit in my belt. A flap of skin hanging off just below my pinkie toward the palm--cause: A sharp wire in the RJ block that cut up as I was trying to strip some other wire. An index finger with a scab on the first knuckle after getting it caught in the cutting part of the needle nose pliers while trying to close a dolphin clip.

Oh, I stopped to help a man with his Tire today...he had already changed it but I felt good just for stopping. I like doing random acts of kindness, they make me feel good inside, I think I'll start looking for more chances.

Today as I was listening to NPR(for some reason I've been listening to that lately) the thought came to me that M. might actually have feelings and thoughts all of his own and that the reason he did things is a direct result of things that have happened in the past. That the old Lady I had just explained how to use the system too and which couldn't understand really just couldn't understand and that she was having a hard time and I should have had more patience with her. I't shard to remember that sometimes other people have problems and concerns that they have worrying them, but imagine what would happen if everyone assumed that everyone else was as precious as they themselves were...and that everyone had problems...I need to start thinking more like that. Anyway, time for bed. I love ya'll

-Asmond

Read more...

God and Hearts

As I have been thinking quite a bit about hearts, and the various fuctions that they serve mankind I have been thinking, wondering really, why they are so important.

Often times one will read in literature that to fall in love is to give your heart to someone. Now, the concept of falling in love aside, why is the heart so often associated with love and other emotions? Emotions are felt, they are expeirenced in the brain. That is where we experience all things, most of us consider our heads to be the focul point of our bodies, and rightly so. In all respects but our emotions those are the sole property of the heart.

Why? Why this discrepensy? Why is the heart so very different from every other act, thought, concept that is known to man? Few things have caught the attention of poet, warrior, suiter, king or scientist with more frequency than the heart.

Some purely physical symbolism: The heart is realtivly unprotected, left vulnerable to outside ministration, both good...and bad. You can replace a heart, you cannot replace a brain. If damage to done to part of the brain, life becomes difficult, if damage is done to part of the heart, life becomes threatened. THe heart is the pumpting station for the blood, which is the symbol of mortality and sin.

But all this doesn't matter, although quite interesting. The question I've been wondering, is whose responsibility is it to change the heart? I have a friend not much older than me, who is on his third heart. His body is rejecting them--having decided that it is not it's own--he has decided not to take the pills to fight it off. He will soon die. (Incidentally, my friend served a mission in the main family history center where he became good friends of Elder Bednar's, and the good Apostle's last talk was given with my friend in mind.) Sometimes I think we are like my friend in a spiritual sense, we are given a new heart but are unable to accept this, it goes against our nature and we must continually recieve the help to keep ourselves from rejecting this new heart.

God has given us our hearts...but he gives unto us the keeping. Our desires are our own creation, one may choose to accept or reject the gifts given to them.

I'm tired and this isn't making much sense...but the main thought is: God gives us the chance to heal our broken hearts, but it's up to us to take the steps needed for healing, or replacement. It is hard to go from a heart of stone o a heart of flesh. But it is the task of us all to make sure that we do just that. Ipray that one day I might do as Moses directed the children of Isreal, after describing the scattering of Israel: But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.

Read more...

An interesting week. I've been thinking a lot about hearts lately. How does a man change his heart? Is it his responsibility or does God take part of that upon himself? Okay...I can't talk about this while I'm thinking about star wars! I get to see it tomorrow morning! Oh my gosh I'm sooooooooooooooooooo freaking excited.

-Asmond

Read more...

Purposes Advanced

Well, at the request of my good bishop I've decided to start writing in this a bit more often. It's strange to think how many people read this but at the same time it is a good outlet into the life I am.

Thinking about it, a question on Blue Beta comes to mind about diaries, I don't really concern myself with other people's diaries and don't really care if they read mine. And the evidence of that lies in this--this blog. This is my diary. Today was one filled with...amazement.

Lately I've been really feeling --for the first time in a long, long time-- as though God had deserted me. I've felt bereft of the Spirit and the guiding light he gives. This has been evidenced only too closely as I've tried to give guidance to my friends in their spiritual and emotional woes. I just didn't have the words to say, and that more than anything else has been putting me on an edge which I cannot abide. And so, today I went and I talked to my new Bishop. I've had the unfortunate chance of getting to know several bishop's fairly well. And they always amaze me by the clarity of their wisdom. Truly they are inspired men who are sent here by a loving Father to help us pass through these troubled waters and come across the mountain deep--the conqueror of trial and sorrow.

Today I read my scriptures, I said a prayer I made steps to form a pattern of life where those things would be come regular parts of my existence. And to that end: I was able to give decent advice for the first time in weeks. It wasn't as good as it used to be, it wasn't as easy or clear as it used to come, but it came. Oh the joy that fills the soul to know that he has been the vessel of the Lord in delivering the Love of the Father to one of his precious children. The interesting thing was that the person to whom I was giving the advice was someone who I previously had little to no emotional attachment. Yet as we talked, I discovered an empathy and desire for his welfare that never had existed before. I can see through the shroud of fear and pain and darkness that has clouded my mind for so long and for the first time in...well as far as I can remember I see the joy that can come from being selflessly devoted to the welfare of others. I desire above all else to be happy, but these last few hours I've decided that I have a desire almost as strong--one which is almost entirely complimentary to the desire to be happy--the desire to see those around me happy as well.

I've been reading Les Mis(or my brick as my roomies affectionatly call it)--which is such a great book--and the theme seems to be an overarching benefit to those whose lives are lived in the service and welfare of the common man. Not for the general masses but to the individual whom needs soo much and asks for so little. There are desperate cries all around us now, the cries which we all silently scream into the night, the desperation of loneliness, the anger of betrayal, the black wave of hopelessness all surge outward waiting for a receptive ear to lend it's time, a shoulder to cry upon, and a hand to lift up. I wonder how one can attune the ear to hear those cries to see behind the facade which we all bear and seek the depths of pain and suffering where the mere presence of another is the Gilead balm needed. To have someone there to bear your sorrow with you--what more could the suffer want?

Perhaps that is the true reason for the Atonement, so that there might be someone beside us, lifting the load when we are too weary to press on alone. I like that thought. I like it a lot. For the first time I see how faith in the savior can be such a reassuring thing. Because life only has meaning when there is someone there to share it with.

Read more...

Reflections on Love

It's been an acculmilation of events that have led me to this post. I'm not sure what order they are in, and so this is mostly just going to be me rambling for a bit as I explore my thoughts--I pray your forgiveness.

I just finished watching Phantom of the Opera. Yes, I watched it late at night with two men in an appartment hundreds upon hundreds of miles away from any girl that I wanted to watch it with--okay so I just had a great talk with my roomie, and we talked about a lot of stuff.

A poem that I want to write:

Take this heart and open up the tide.
It's building up--it's just too high.
Kiss the ground, watch the wake
surf the edge where flaws become real
Rise aboe tghe petty chatter,
take the part you're offered and fly
Above the clouds, above the sky,
Eat your fill, the'res more to come
The heart bound up in broken tongue
turn, turn, turn away from darkness
light, darkest night and lightest life
Wrap the world inside your fingers
Clutch on tight, forget the tears
Spinning idly for a few more years.
Take my broken heart and go
Take it wherever, just let it be with you.
This struggle, who are you?
The one who will take me as I am
Are you man or beast, flame or glory?
Are you the girl of my dreams?
Are you my Lord and Master?
Where does my loyalty lie?
Take my broken heart and go.
I don't know where I don't know how
just take my broken heart and go.


Haven't proof read that or anything, just random thoughts that came out as I typed. Anyway, I keep wondering how to open up. I find it very easy to talk about myself--but I don't open myself up. I find that I begin to give someone a narrative about who I am instead of opening my heart and letting them see for themselves. Often I paint a darker hue or highlight only the gilded edges. How does one allow someone to come in and see the room for what it is? The gilded edges which display strength with percision, the dark corners where flaws hide, the worn furniture of habit and the golden treasure of dreams?

What is the secret that will unlock the gate and finally let someone else into my heart? Will that person be my wife? My God? Where are my priorities? How do you let someone see you for who you are when you have no idea who you are? I was listening to a Christan Rock channel on the radio for a bit today, and a song I heard comes to mind: All the gold, and treasure of the world, could never fill the emptyness of my soul. obviously the answer I've been taught all my life is God, but can I ever love someone I cannot see? I'm just a confused little kid still, wondering where to go from here and how to find a decent map so that I won't have to worry about how to get there.

I hope this makes sense. Life doesn't make much most of the time I've decided. I wonder why God made it soo darn hard, I guess if you want to make something strong you don't give it little itty bitty challenges. or no challenges at all. But sometimes I wonder if he isn't giving me a little bit more than I can handle. God Bless you all, and thanks for reading my exagerated thought pattern put to paper, I hope you learned something form it, I know I did.

Read more...

To michigan

Well, after a few delays and some car problems I'm here in Michigan installing security systems. I don't really have a computer with access to the net...we are currently hijacking some poor schmuck's wireless connection on our labtops...and by our I mean my roomies...It feels somewhat illegal but at the same time...*shrugs* It suits our purposes and we won't be staying here that long. We're going to be moving come Friday so that J and M and I can all live in the same place. J and I are currently living together and M basically lives here...although he does sleep elsewhere.

It was a fun few days, We were going to leave early Sunday Morning, but M didn't register his car and we were forced to make a few delays. So, Monday morning about noon we finally managed to make our exit and I left for my first real trip away from home, the mission excepted. It's kinda strange, I've always had someone to fall back on, parents, the Mission Pres., but here...there isn't anyone to come to the rescue and I have to do everything on my own.

It's really strange...but I'll talk about the trip here a little, at Novel's request.

We managed to get as far as North Platte, (the entire trip here I felt like I was playing Oregon Trail....backwards and in a car, I kept waiting for a little screen to pop up asking how I'd like to cross the river, hire the indian or ferry the boat. So...in North Platte J and M convinced me that staying in the cars would be a bad thing and we got a Hotel for the night. THEN, we started driving the next morning, and for some reason we didn't manage to make it the 200 miles to Omaha until like...3, and we visited M's brother and sister. About five we left and decided to try and make it the rest of the way to Grand Rapids that night. Everything was going fine, minus a few wrong turns by those who are less excellent map readers than I, right up until we left Chicago. With only two hours left on our jounry and it being 2:00 in the morning on Thursday, I, while trying to read the map and drive ran into something on the road.

We pulled over looked, but couldn't see any damage. Right up until I got off the toll road and realized that my power steering wasn't working and my battery light was out--We think something hit my power steering belt, snapped it and then it hit my serpentine belt and caused it to get off the cogs, thus causing the alternator to stop working. We took a hotel for night two and I waited for someone to die, because I was angry enough to shoot a whole freaking herd of buffalo. The next morning we woke up five minutes after we were supposed to check out of the hotel and quickly grabbed everything and ran. We managed to get the serpentine belt on and drive the remaning two hours, I without power steering. And went to work, we did two installs that night--returning home at 1:20 in the morning. From then until Sunday morning I don't remember much, just lots of driving, wire twisting and drilling.

I'm doing fair to decent at the learning curve and know more than quite a few of the other Tech's, just need to work on speed now.

Sunday we went to church and I met a guy who knew my Grandpa(my dad grew up here in Michigan) that's kinda weird. We then passed the rest of the day playing video games and strumming. Monday was a bore, we didn't get a job until about 8 o'clock--so I played a lot of some weird old RPG that J had lying around in his game case. And we went to the mall--which is pitifully small and disappointing--and my Boss hit on...somewhat less attractive non-members. And then the guy whose home I was in smoked constantly and HAD to sit there and watch and ask questions while I worked. Slow me down, give me a headache and be annoying!!!!

Anyway, life is good, I'm tired, and enjoying the money. I miss ya'll tons and wish I could just transport you here and we could party all day...but...*sighs* Oh well.

-Asmond

Read more...