Post 200 -- Retirement

It's been a good run here. I started this blog just under five years ago with a post on girls. I wish I knew then what I know now.

It started out with questions, concerns, hopes, dreams. It became a place for me to express my poetry, my heart, my soul. Recently I gave this address to a friend along with the quote:

Aedh Wishes for the Clothes of Heaven
by William Butler Yeats

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

This place truly is my dreams in ways I cannot even really imagine. I posted here a little less than once a week on average. There are good posts, and bad, posts I look back on and wish I could more often be the person who wrote those words. And ones that I am ashamed of. Others are funny, out of intent, or not.

Above all else, I feel as though my life is no longer the same as it was five years ago, the supposedly required anonymity of my past is gone. I have fewer rhetorical questions, and more simple thoughts. I no longer attend school, and have started on a path of nomadic wanderings. Truly I have lost my home as a place and gained it as a state of being. As such... I have decided to change the address, I will not be importing anything from here there. It will be a fresh start. I look forward to seeing you there.

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Filler Post

This is a filler post, it is designed to increase the number of posts that exist on my blog. Please do not read into this. It is only a filler post.

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Given the chance, I'd fall again.

When I first started this blog I added questions to every post, and those questions were more or less rhetorical. I've gotten out of the habit, and I think I'd like to start that up again, so here goes.

If it never goes any further than it has, will I be okay with that?

Today I came face to face with the realization that it might not. I might not be able to defeat the ghost, I might not stave off my wanderlust long enough. I might not be a classy enough guy for her. There are a lot of things that may go wrong.

There is a saying, trite beyond compare really, "Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved." It's true though, I'm a fan of falling, of getting in over your head and then... dealing with it. I've discovered something as I've tried to do that, the more I do it, the easier it is to give of myself and the easier it is to heal afterward. Love, like any muscle, needs exercise. Our souls are made to love, that is part of the design, we just have to get our minds out of the way long enough for the eternal font of life to shine through us.

Yes, it hurts. But the pain is small, you went all in and God respects that, he rewards you for your effort. I won't ever regret this, but I do regret hurting you, I shouldn't have responded the way I did. I should have been stronger, I am so sorry that my weakness was a source of your pain.

No one is perfect, me less so than most it seems, you didn't do anything wrong.

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Walking away (rough draft)

Walking away, just for a moment.
Gives the whispers a chance,
To tell me all the things I fight,
to fill me with the lies I refuse to believe.

Knowing that I soon must stand,
I wonder what strength I have.
Will tonight be when the resistance ends?
Or will Key still have something to write.

Turning away isn't possible.
All that's left is to hold on,
Till the fingers bleed
till the arms burn.

Where does the dreaming end?
And waking begin? When your
whole life is a nightmare
does reality even matter?

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Notice

Because I promised.

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The ocean

There is a craving in my blood, for oceans and waves and sand. I feel like nothing is complete without them. I need to get out of this state.

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Ruminations 9/21

It's probably time for a real post here... one that isn't esoteric and really short. It has been an interesting last couple of weeks. The ride has been good. Most of my stress lately has been revolving around attempting to find a job. I don't think I even realized how draining it has been.

I have an interview tomorrow, I'm somewhat terrified of it, both if I get it and if I don't.

It's a long way away from home, and I have no transportation really since Gusto died. Things are complicated on the relationship front, and I don't really see them settling down anytime in the near future. I'm having mixed concerns with my new ward, and the way that they run things. Particularly my part in it. I feel like I know a lot of the people here, but don't really do anything with them. Being out of school puts me in a strange loop outside of the norm.

Today we had a lesson about how God gives us all our talents, and how we are ungrateful when we do not give all the credit to him for the things we accomplish. I thought at the same time, how we must also be grateful to the Father for all the weaknesses we have, for they are opportunities to grow. They are things he has trusted that we would be able to deal with, and it's not like he makes us deal with them alone enough. They are how we remember his love, and how we feel it most powerfully.

I don't often say thank you for the things that I struggle with, but maybe I should. Maybe I should be grateful he picked out for me a collection of tests designed to help me grow.

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No further

From this point onward, I will be stronger. There will be no more instances of this failure.

This is my oath, to the wind. Until the shields are under me or the laurels become my right.

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Chooseing the Right

Is it right? What I'm doing...
Or is it just what I want?

How can I tell?

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