Rhetorical Questions

Post 200 -- Retirement

2009-12-06T03:43:00.000-07:00

It's been a good run here. I started this blog just under five years ago with a post on girls. I wish I knew then what I know now.

It started out with questions, concerns, hopes, dreams. It became a place for me to express my poetry, my heart, my soul. Recently I gave this address to a friend along with the quote:

Aedh Wishes for the Clothes of Heaven
by William Butler Yeats

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

This place truly is my dreams in ways I cannot even really imagine. I posted here a little less than once a week on average. There are good posts, and bad, posts I look back on and wish I could more often be the person who wrote those words. And ones that I am ashamed of. Others are funny, out of intent, or not.

Above all else, I feel as though my life is no longer the same as it was five years ago, the supposedly required anonymity of my past is gone. I have fewer rhetorical questions, and more simple thoughts. I no longer attend school, and have started on a path of nomadic wanderings. Truly I have lost my home as a place and gained it as a state of being. As such... I have decided to change the address, I will not be importing anything from here there. It will be a fresh start. I look forward to seeing you there.

Filler Post

2009-12-06T03:16:00.001-07:00

This is a filler post, it is designed to increase the number of posts that exist on my blog. Please do not read into this. It is only a filler post.

Given the chance, I'd fall again.

2009-09-30T01:40:00.000-07:00

When I first started this blog I added questions to every post, and those questions were more or less rhetorical. I've gotten out of the habit, and I think I'd like to start that up again, so here goes.

If it never goes any further than it has, will I be okay with that?

Today I came face to face with the realization that it might not. I might not be able to defeat the ghost, I might not stave off my wanderlust long enough. I might not be a classy enough guy for her. There are a lot of things that may go wrong.

There is a saying, trite beyond compare really, "Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved." It's true though, I'm a fan of falling, of getting in over your head and then... dealing with it. I've discovered something as I've tried to do that, the more I do it, the easier it is to give of myself and the easier it is to heal afterward. Love, like any muscle, needs exercise. Our souls are made to love, that is part of the design, we just have to get our minds out of the way long enough for the eternal font of life to shine through us.

Yes, it hurts. But the pain is small, you went all in and God respects that, he rewards you for your effort. I won't ever regret this, but I do regret hurting you, I shouldn't have responded the way I did. I should have been stronger, I am so sorry that my weakness was a source of your pain.

No one is perfect, me less so than most it seems, you didn't do anything wrong.

Walking away (rough draft)

2009-09-28T00:48:00.002-07:00

Walking away, just for a moment.
Gives the whispers a chance,
To tell me all the things I fight,
to fill me with the lies I refuse to believe.

Knowing that I soon must stand,
I wonder what strength I have.
Will tonight be when the resistance ends?
Or will Key still have something to write.

Turning away isn't possible.
All that's left is to hold on,
Till the fingers bleed
till the arms burn.

Where does the dreaming end?
And waking begin? When your
whole life is a nightmare
does reality even matter?

Notice

2009-09-28T00:12:00.001-07:00

Because I promised.

The ocean

2009-09-27T10:05:00.001-07:00

There is a craving in my blood, for oceans and waves and sand. I feel like nothing is complete without them. I need to get out of this state.

Ruminations 9/21

2009-09-21T23:48:00.001-07:00

It's probably time for a real post here... one that isn't esoteric and really short. It has been an interesting last couple of weeks. The ride has been good. Most of my stress lately has been revolving around attempting to find a job. I don't think I even realized how draining it has been.

I have an interview tomorrow, I'm somewhat terrified of it, both if I get it and if I don't.

It's a long way away from home, and I have no transportation really since Gusto died. Things are complicated on the relationship front, and I don't really see them settling down anytime in the near future. I'm having mixed concerns with my new ward, and the way that they run things. Particularly my part in it. I feel like I know a lot of the people here, but don't really do anything with them. Being out of school puts me in a strange loop outside of the norm.

Today we had a lesson about how God gives us all our talents, and how we are ungrateful when we do not give all the credit to him for the things we accomplish. I thought at the same time, how we must also be grateful to the Father for all the weaknesses we have, for they are opportunities to grow. They are things he has trusted that we would be able to deal with, and it's not like he makes us deal with them alone enough. They are how we remember his love, and how we feel it most powerfully.

I don't often say thank you for the things that I struggle with, but maybe I should. Maybe I should be grateful he picked out for me a collection of tests designed to help me grow.

No further

2009-09-17T02:19:00.001-07:00

From this point onward, I will be stronger. There will be no more instances of this failure.

This is my oath, to the wind. Until the shields are under me or the laurels become my right.

Chooseing the Right

2009-09-16T13:57:00.001-07:00

Is it right? What I'm doing...
Or is it just what I want?

How can I tell?

Changes

2009-09-08T02:45:00.001-07:00

There have been a lot of changes here lately... and it's likely that there will be some more. I'll be going through and adding labels to all my posts for one, and the advertisements on the side for another, I don't really expect to make any money off of the thing, but it couldn't hurt!

Still looking for a job, still trying to figure myself out. Someday I'll get one of those two probably, hopefully both of them. I should go and read my scriptures instead of sitting here updating, but it's a whole lot easier to deal with this than with God. I know... I'm coming.

Also, I'm starting up a new blog full of information that I'm not really certain I want everyone to have, if your name is Eric, Krystal or Sarah you could probably get that blog address/permission to see it, otherwise... you probably can't. Email or facebook.

June 27th

2009-09-05T02:09:00.001-07:00

Sleep has fled before mine eyes and left me a desolate pilgrim wresting the mysteries of the world into a thousand forgotten memories which dance before my eyes like motes of light, and in the dancing half become remembered.

Tonight, I felt like being sullen. So, I was for a little while, just had to get it out of my system. And now, it's time to be happy again.

Also, sometimes I just don't get it.

Under Pressure

2009-09-03T17:11:00.001-07:00

Ea reprimanded me for not posting, "as often as I check." So, I guess this means I need to write something.

I don't have a lot to say though... normally I write when I am feeling an excess of emotion that I am not finding acceptable methods of disclosure. However this hasn't been the case of late, and thus... I haven't felt the need to write.

So, travelog! I recently moved into my apartments here in the Milkyway. I have three really great room-mates, who I absolutely am going to love spending time with. We have been holding apartment scripture study, cleaning up after ourselves, etc. And while I realize this is still the Honeymoon stage of our apartment, I am hopeful for the future.

Mostly, lately I've just been incredibly grateful for the many blessings that I have in my life.

Zion

2009-08-29T00:25:00.001-07:00

The laborer in Zion shall labor for Zion.

What is Zion? I'm so tired of this pain, I never get anyone closer to Zion, all that happens every time I let myself feel is that pain comes in, and I...

"Know thou my son, that all these things shall be for thy benefit... the Son of Man hath descended below them all, art thou greater than he?"

I'm trying, Lord, I am so sorry.

Gusto

2009-08-28T01:02:00.004-07:00

In high school my parents bought a '96 Plymouth Breeze. Shortly after I returned from my mission it was given to me as the car I would be driving. I have driven it ever since. I decided to call him Gusto, because as a four cylinder he didn't have any otherwise.

Gusto went to DC with us, he made the trip back from Georgia with me. I went to Michigan and then Colorado in him. I had my worst car accident in him. Both of them. Looking back I guess you could say Gusto has been 'mine' longer than anything else I own. When my parents moved to Georgia Gusto is really all I had left of home, the only home I've ever really called home.

Lately, I've been having arguments with my parents about fixing him up, I didn't really see a point, he has so many problems that I figured I would just drive him into the ground and that would be that. Tonight, he died. The starter has been acting up a lot lately and I knew the end was coming. But I don't think I was fully prepared for it. I know I wasn't. It was a quiet death, in his sleep I suppose you could say. He was pretty old for a car, and I didn't take as good a care of him as I ought to have...

I just didn't realize how much I'm going to miss him. How much I am going to miss a home. Ea said she was homesick today. I realize that I am too, I'm homesick for a place that doesn't exist anymore, for a period of my life that I can't go back to. How I wish things never had to change, that life would just go back to the way it was.

I'm going to miss Gusto, I'm going to miss the hole in the floor that I used to pick the lock so many times, I'm going to miss the metal bumper Brother Whiting put on when we drove it to DC. I'm going to miss the freedom he gave me, the memories I have of him. A hundred different things about him, about something that is so integrated into my life that it seems strange to give him up.

Some other memories of Gusto that I love:

Ashley: "Oh, you brought the good car today."

Emmaleigh: "This is going to be up here for a long time isn't it?"

Jason: "What is getting me wet? Where is this water coming from?"

Random New Yorker: "They hit your car!"

I'm going to miss you Gusto. I'm sorry that you have to go.

-C

On Angel's Wings

2009-08-26T12:32:00.004-07:00

It is funny sometimes, how often the Lord answers our prayers in ways that we don't comprehend, or even guess at until long after the event in question.

Lately, I have been trying to focus a lot on how many things I have been given. I suppose the source of this is in picking up Way to Be the first chapter of which was on gratitude. So, by no means a complete list, but things that I have been thinking of lately:

The Wind.
My family
The willingness of others to share
Jason
The Internet
Long nocturnal walks
Ice Cream
Blankets
Movies
Being able to recapture my childhood
The realization that today is all I have
The Scriptures
Prayer
Responses
Forgiveness
Truth
Eyes
Electro-Magnetic Pulses
The people who read this blog
The people who give me blogs to read

As an exercise I've been trying to name things I'm thankful for in my 'down' time, it is interesting what comes up in my head. I think I'm going to take a page out of Janell's book and swear off a few subjects on my blog, so... I'm going to avoid those particular subjects for the time being. Life is good, It is scary not knowing where I am going in life, but I have the assurance that I am walking in the right direction, and I guess I don't need anything more than that.

A moment of quiet reflection.

2009-08-24T08:32:00.001-07:00

I recently returned from the coast. I love the coast so much. It sets my heart at ease. It's strange, all the things that I've been dealing with for months, it just took twenty minutes on a beach at sunset, the sunset above actually. I still need to edit that with something other than paint, I'm not satisfied with the colors or the text. Anyway... It's amazing how much peace I can achieve with something so simple as a visit to the ocean.

Also, I realized how much I've missed talking to someone, all this summer I've had to keep up an illusion, a facade of strength that I never really felt. Now, I look forward with peace and see the difficult water ahead. It doesn't bother me that much.

I guess that's what happens when you remember, like Peter, to cry out, "Lord, save me."

Words, words, words.

2009-08-10T10:36:00.004-07:00

I realize I've been putting off life, and soon, life is going to catch up to me.

I have no idea what to do.

I realized yesterday, I wouldn't mind dying(not suicide)--at least then I'd know where I was going.

Tanya

2009-05-20T03:26:00.004-07:00

Once, when I was younger, we made the mile long trek to Verds, or Yerds (we were never really sure which) to make use of our pennies on their supply of penny candies. Verds was a mom and pop type shop that was positioned about a mile from my home, we would ride our bikes down there and grab 25 cent sodas, 1 cent orange slices and the like.

One day, we ran into a girl that was in my grade and her older sister. I said Hi, she said, Hi. Then her sister said, "So this is Asmond..."

It made me think she liked me, it made me consider Tanya in a new light. We weren't really 'friends,' but I've always sorta wondered... what if?

Post Secret

2009-05-17T14:18:00.002-07:00

New posts

2009-05-08T03:34:00.005-07:00

Today I was talking to several people about poetry. It got me thinking about the beautiful things in the world. I found this, I think if I could be in this moment, my arm wrapped around the woman I love, and I could feel the slightly chill breeze drift in off the ocean, I could be happy, not just content but really, truly happy. Perhaps that's enough of a reason to go to the Celestial Kingdom, so I can visit this place and be in that moment, adrift from all the rest of humanity, isolated within the confines of that perfect moment.

Post 193

2009-04-05T02:09:00.004-07:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how bad I am at this whole life thing. I don't mean to say that I do life badly, but rather that I don't really possess the skills needed to function in life. I simply don't handle life the way that the world wants me to. Because of my depression I can't do things like School, or a 'real' job. I am discovering that there is a delicate balance that I have to pull between those things that we do to sustain life and those things we do to make life worth living.

It just randomly posted that, so my apologies for anyone who read just a partial message.

These facts have become more evident to me this past semester when school got me to an 'overload' point, and then everything just shut down. I'm getting back to the point that I can function in society again... but it has been a costly meltdown. I will probably be asked to leave BYU after this semester. Probably for good. This means I'm going to need to go somewhere else, or get a real job. I think I could try UVSC, I know that several of my friends have said it is a much less competitive school. But I think that is sorta what I need in life.

I was watching, "Meet Joe Black" today, and I realized how unlike Bill I am. How I wish I were. People don't love me, I will never be the kind of person he was. I know people like that, and I envy them so much.

Oh god, have mercy on me. I am so tired of being like this. I just want to be free of it. I don't want to carry this burden any longer, it is too much for me. I wish I could say, "Not my will", but I can't. What can I do?

The path to walk

2009-03-30T00:17:00.004-07:00

Last night I saw two futures,
One, the me that had
through fire, trial and pain
Become a being of excellence.
The other, through ease and idleness
achieved a sort of non-existence.

I knew the paths each had took
I knew the way that led to
Greatness and obsolescence
What scared me was not
How high I flew,
or how low I sunk.

But rather, that on waking
I was not sure which path to walk.

Poetry

2009-03-13T01:32:00.004-07:00

I'm afraid to go to bed. I'm afraid of the demons that haunt me there. I've been thinking a lot about the kind of person I want to be, and what I think happiness is. The happy man I see in the mirror and around the corner is such a better person than this feeble body allows it to be.

Good Timber

The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
That stood out in the open plain,
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king,
But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil,
To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man,
But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow in ease.
The stronger wind, the stronger trees,
The farther sky, the greater length,
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In tree or man, good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.
~ Douglas Malloch

A reason.

2009-03-06T01:03:00.004-07:00

There's a reason
I get up
day after day.

There's a reason
I feel this way
O, let there be a reason.
Some lesson I must learn,
some heart that needs to heal.

How long?
How long
since I could walk?
Searching all the wrong places.
Finding not
but broken dreams.
There's a reason.
Let me find the reason.

Relationship advice.

2009-03-02T01:44:00.003-07:00

I should never give this out. I should never get involved. All I end up doing is get people hating me.

What I should be doing...

2009-02-28T03:02:00.006-07:00

I know I SHOULD be in bed right now... here is a list of all the other things I should be doing...

Writing a letter to Spain.
Dreaming about d'Artagnan.
Pondering more fully the meaning of Mormon 2:13.
My midterm/final for IT251(a).
Stop A.
My CS235 project due Thursday.
My IT210 project due Wednesday.
The five(ish) C programs I need to turn in for IT251.
Cleaning Checks.
Stop B.
Planning a date for tomorrow(today), since my group canceled on me.
Asking out Retreat girl.
Writing a second letter to Spain.
Reading my homework for my religion course.
My taxes.
Stop C.
Writing an email to B.Harmon.
Go to bed.
Watch the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
Get D.
Ask out Super.
Make a decision one way or the other on that one.
Pick a pony and ride.
FASFA.
Find an apartment to live in for the next year.
Make this into a ul.
Learn how to use a UML diagram program for state machines.
Finish that lab write up.
Pray.

Square Peg, Round Hole.

2009-02-14T02:33:00.002-07:00

Some day I'll learn that you can't put a square peg in a round hole and expect it to fit. I really do wish it would though.

Letter: Valentines

2009-02-14T02:06:00.007-07:00

Happy Valentines Day!

It snowed again. ERGH!

On Wednesday I went diving, a normal enough chain of events... except that when we came up after our fourth dive, something happened. I got out of the water, started putting away my gear, changing into my clothes you know, the stuff one normally does when you get out of the water. My dive buddy didn't get out though. After I was in my clothes he called out, "Help." What followed is difficult to describe as I tried to keep him and myself calm through him losing the ability to move his limbs. The ambulance was called, paramedics came and we managed to get him out of the water, out of his gear and onto a stretcher.

He asked me to call his sister and tell her what happened, while I finished packing up the rest of his things and brought his car (we carpooled up) down to the hospital. So, I called her and told her what I knew, but in the confusion of the moment we weren't sure which hospital he had been taken to, so I had to try and keep her calm and tell her what was happening. I felt so helpless, there was information that I had, but I didn't know how to tell her, I wonder if that's what the early apostles felt as they tried so desperately to tell their followers everything they could to help them return to God. Only to have the message unclear. "As through a glass darkly." The dive buddy is okay, they finally gave him O2 (like we had been telling them to do for a while) and he started to recover quite quickly. They aren't sure what happened to him.

I was listening to some of the TED talks this week, TED is a conference held annually whose premise is to share ideas worth spreading. Basically the worlds smartest people get together and share ideas on how things should work. A friend of mine got me interested in them last year and I've been perusing them a bit since. One that I noticed (after he posted it on his blog) was a talk given by Elizabeth Gilbert the subject was creative juices. She talked in particular about how in the Greek and Roman days the belief was that each person was given a genius or daemon that would whisper the ideas to their minds. This being was who was responsible for the worth of the work that was created.

She says that this serves two purposes, one: it protects the author from pride. The idea isn't theirs, it is the daemon's. They were just the tool for the expression thereof. Also, if it stunk... well, that wasn't you that stunk, it was the daemon. And it wasn't until much later that people started being described as being a genius for their works, rather than having a genius in their work. The part that made me want to mention it though is that occasionally a dancer or an actor would have this Genius come upon them and inspire them to greater heights than they could previously have attained. This again, wasn't the person... but the genius that aided them. The Islamic faith took this idea and said that it was in fact Allah that was doing this, and they would chant, "Allah." when these particularly amazing events happened.

Then they invaded Spain! The phrase became Spanish and eventually it morphed into the modern day term, "Ole."

Hope you have a wonderful Valentines day(I'm repeating myself, deal with it) and weekend in general.

Letter: Last Sunday

2009-02-05T19:55:00.003-07:00

I left the lights on in my car and haven't had access to it for most of the week, which actually turned out to be a good thing because... it was just a lot of fun and I got to talk to several really interesting people on the bus. I love the bus, it is one of the few opportunities every day that I am given to share the gospel. Last week I met a girl named G who was really just a quality individual and as we talked she told me about issues that she was having with her family and with school and her health. It was nice to be able to share some of the ways I've managed to over come similar issues in life.

On Wednesday I had the wonderful opportunity to be asked on a 'date' by the wonderful JK. And we went and watched "Thoroughly Modern Millie" which was absolutely hilarious. It was a BYU production, and the Title char was a little weak on the performance side, made especially apparent by how good all the supporting characters are. It was also just fabulous to spend time with JK. It seems like she's in need of some recharging every now and again, and she was a lot happier toward the end of the performance. Makes me sad to think about it.

Anyway... I had been calling around looking for a double date so that Jay and I could do something fun and not having much luck so I decided to accept an invitation to go to a retreat for the Student Honor Association(SHA) it's mostly just for their volunteers so it was a lot of fun to spend time with these people outside of 'work' type situations. We played Murder in the Dark 'till almost dawn, it was so much fun. The house they held it in, was built by some excessively rich individual and he donated it to the church, it's now used for church functions and campus groups can 'rent' it out and have activities up there. It's MASSIVE, and has a lot of really good places to hide and such, which makes Murder in the Dark fabulous. It's kinda become a SHA tradition.

I got home just in time to head up to SLC for an amazing Saturday morning and a wonderful cap on the weekend. I'm not sure how much longer I can head up there, I'm having to restrict my hours at work so as to deal with the class load, which means money will be a little tighter than I would prefer. Hopefully tax refunds will save it.

Radiation

2009-01-29T08:52:00.004-07:00

Hold your hands as close together as you can without actually touching.

Keep them there for a few seconds, at least ten. Now, slowly move them apart and back together again.
"
As you do this you SHOULD feel a 'pulling' sensation in your hands, particularly as you increase the distance between the palms. This is a magnetic field that your body creates, in close proximity to your hands, and the very sensitive neurons contained inside, you begin to feel these pulses.

It is a force, invisible to the person yet as inescapable in it's influence as gravity, or heat. The important information here is that the body generates this invisible force. What if it could generate more? What if it did so on a regular basis?

"Let your light so shine before men, that they might see your good works and glorify your father which is in heaven."

On that same token, visible light is only a small range of the electromagnetic spectrum.

The other aspects of that spectrum, are the waves that heat your food in a microwave, the radar we rely on in modern transportation, weather systems, radios, television, x-rays and in the creation of the Hulk.

What would happen if we were emitting a force, like any of those listed above from our bodies that allow us receive inspiration from God, and allow our prayers to reach heaven. Just as we can under special circumstances 'see' or feel the electric energies our bodies create, sometimes we can 'see' or feel these other energies.

You feel it in peoples lives, how they live affects these energies that they emit and others, who are trained or receptive to these energies can feel them. You've had those moments when walking into a room and you can feel the tension, the grief or the joy. These energies that we emit constantly affect those around us for good or for ill. Our personal radiation is a representation of our influences on the people around us. They are subtle, they are mostly intangible, but how often do we hear stories of people who are monumentally affected by small and simple things?

Letter: 1-25

2009-01-26T00:21:00.000-07:00

Last week as I was leaving a game night from my friend's house I walked out the door and looked up, a three point deer was probably 20 feet away from me just... walking down the sidewalk like it was made for him. It was one of those quiet moments when life just seems to slow down and everything comes down to the here and now. It was amazing and I followed it down the sidewalk for about half a block before it got spooked by a car and ran away.

The rest of the week was filled with homework, I had a bunch of labs that were due during the middle of the week, one in particular that got real close to the deadline, worked on it all Monday and some of Tuesday (it was due Thursday) and couldn't get some of the bugs worked out, so I was approaching what everyone had said was the hardest part of the lab on Thursday afternoon, I had about 3 hours before work and was actually planning on skipping some of that if need be. But lo and behold! I got in there and everything just... worked it was great. I managed to get rid of the last few pesky bugs and programing the I/O aspect of the lab in about an hour and a half. Thus leaving me with an unprecedented hour of free time which I used to explore the Talmage, it's under renovation in the basement so several of the doors to 'service' areas were opened and I got to explore down there in the furnace room and stuff. It was a lot of fun.

On Friday I did more homework and work, at work I'm mostly on a project for in development working on getting a Standard Development Kit(sdk) for blackboard integrated into our current course content creation systems. Basically... just me fighting against blackboard propitiatory requirements. It's awesome fun.

But that evening I went to a play called "Rabbit Hole" which was really interesting. It is about a couple that loses their son to an accident (dog chases squirrel into street, son chases dog into street, car swerves to avoid dog, hits boy) and how they deal with the grief of it all.

It made me so very grateful for the gospel, and the ability to have families sealed together. Yes, I suppose there is still a grieving process but if you have faith in the gospel you don't have to feel like they have been stripped away from you, or anything. You get that assurance that everything is in God's hands and we just simply have to let him take the burdens we carry from us and all will be well.

Letter: Service and God's Love

2009-01-15T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today I was asked to traverse the distance from work to Sandy, and then back again.

It was something I jumped at, because I don't often have work to do at work, so it's nice to have a two hour chunk of time that is given meaning. While on the way there...

I saw some of the coolest houses in one of the coolest neighborhoods that I've ever been to. It was neat to see all the very unique houses they were all newly built but still had a lot of the pre-existing life around them. So these nice ancient trees and stuff. I loved it. Also, I managed to see a motorcycle with two rear wheels. A trike if you will. It was cool.

Life has been rather hectic lately... I'm know I haven't told you this directly, but I'm not a very good student. So I've been trying to arrange a lot of things with the school and make sure doing all that planning stuff. It's taken a lot out of me and I don't really want to disclose the details but know that all is finally right in the world. That's the reason I haven't had any really interesting stories to tell you. The whole school thing has been chomping away at me and it takes a toll on my facilities.

Thank you for helping me get my feet on the path again, it's the hardest when you don't even realize you were off.

I hope you are enjoying your time in Spain. I'm sure it must be beautiful, but then there is a beauty in life everywhere you look, so long as you are actually looking. Today I was reading my teachings of the living prophets pamphlets and I came across a quote by Joseph Smith that I absolutely loved, it reads: "Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof until long after the events transpire." I was pondering this as I walked home from school and when I got home there was a friend of mine who made known to me that she was having a difficult time so I quoted the text to her. As we talked she stated the things that I needed to hear, the things that God wanted me to hear. In return I was able to give her the words of comfort she was craving at that time. I love how the Lord allows us to help others and in doing so gives us so much in return.

I am so very grateful for the Spirit, for living prophets, I don't know what I would do without them. Every time I wander the Lord sends his angels to bring me back. How comforting the knowledge that the Saviour loves me and is mindful of me every moment. It gives me the strength to carry on, it gives me the hope to endure and the peace to do it well.

Svithing Early

2009-01-10T14:55:00.001-07:00

While I was waiting in line for some counselor or other this week (first week of school will do that to you), I came across an article in the Ensign about sharing the gospel over the internet. I know that not many people read this blog and most of those that do are already members of the church, but on the off chance that someone randomly google searches this site... I figured I feel responsible to share this.

My name is ______ _____, I am a 25 year old member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints(LDS). I served a mission for said church in Fort Worth, Texas and the surrounding environs--which is to say that I spent just under two years trying to be an instrument in the hands of The Almighty to help his children discover the path back to his presence and the eternal joy that is his gift to those who do.

I have not always been active, or even a believer in the church and doctrines contained in it. I was converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ as restored through Joseph Smith when I was about 16. I was raised LDS and served in the church as a Deacons and a Teachers Quorum president prior to going inactive. I knew the doctrine of the church, although I had never really read the scriptures or prayed about it. The two years I spent away from the gospel were some of the darkest years of my past.

I spiraled down into a place where life had lost colors, existence was a dull gray that lingered from waking to sleeping. I tried to escape from it however I could, literature and video games became my only real friends--for they saved me from the bleakness of my everyday life. Eventually, they weren't enough and I began to consider suicide as the only visible light at the end of the tunnel.

It was at this dark time, during a newspaper class that one of my teachers asked how I was doing and was concerned enough about my response that she alerted my parents. Who took me to a counselor. I can't say the counselor helped much, but the realization that there were people who cared about me resonated through my body and gave me the strength to keep moving. It wasn't easy, it didn't come all at once, I was put on prosac and slowly the colors of life came back into focus.

Still, it wasn't enough. I was relying upon the medication and it had a leveling effect which allowed me to escape the dark pit but prevented me from feeling the joy I saw in those around me. During this time I had developed friendships with two important individuals. Jay (whom I have mentioned in this blog) and a gent by the name of Jeremy.

Jeremy and I would associate, irregularly--but often enough--and for the first time in my life I saw what a family that lived the gospel together was like. Jeremy invited me to his Family Home Evenings and I believe that my bitter heart began to be softened to the spirit by this gentle exposure. Jay and Jeremy together decided they wanted to go to EFY (Especially for Youth. Which is a program the LDS church puts on every year as a means of helping the youth of today deal with the problems and concerns they deal with.) and not wanting to be left alone for a week, I asked my Mother if she would sign me up. I'm certain she felt this to be the answer to her prayers.

While at EFY I again and again felt the Spirit of the Lord come upon me. It worked within me until I desired to change, and I did. Again, it was not easy, I fought every day with the habits that I myself had built up to prevent me from feeling pain or joy, but eventually with His help I was able to walk outside of those barriers and return once more to living. My senior year of High School was filled with many faith building moments. Moments that led me to desire to serve a mission and further change my life.

I battled depression every step of the way, fighting against the urge to give up and surrender. I wake up every morning and continue that struggle. My problems have not diminished one iota, but my capacity to deal with them has improved over the past 9 years. Yes, I still make mistakes, this isn't a fight that I think I shall ever win in mortality. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe in God, and I believe in repentance. I know that I am able to change and I am changing. Joy isn't as hard to find these days, despite the mounting trials of adulthood, dating, money and education.

I have found peace in this life, and that peace gives me hope and that hope which comes from faith has made an anchor for my soul. I am convinced that without the ressurected Lord and his restored gospel through the Prophet Joesph Smith, I would not have had these past nine years. I would not have the joy of your company and many of the experiences in life that I relish with great satisfaction. I know God lives and loves me, and I hope you too may find his peace.

Letters

2009-01-06T20:40:00.001-07:00

The previous post and probably the next four months worth are and probably will be written as letters to a friend of mine. Things will be edited out. Hope you can make sense of them.

Vents? VENTS? VENTS!?!?!?

2009-01-06T20:29:00.001-07:00

So, I came home from Florida and enjoyed a weekend of doing little or nothing, before I was forced into the school life once again. Monday started out innocently enough... class and then home in the driven snow. During this time I came to think that perhaps my tennis shoes were defective, as my feet were much cooler than they were supposed to be, still I didn't think too much about it.

Until that evening. When I had to excavate my car. Before Florida I went to my friend's cabin... and then to the airport. All in all my car hadn't been driven in 3 weeks. Three weeks of snow. This is when I discovered why my feet were cold. Apparently my tennis shoes, in an effort to make allow the feet to breath, have vents in the top. The vents are covered in a thin mesh, snow gets through thin mesh, wet socks are not fun. I went bowling with my ward, met a good friend I hadn't seen in several years while I was waiting for everything to start up. Wagered with the twins that they couldn't beat my score, they now owe me dinner. Well... one of them does, the problem is I'm not exactly sure which. O.o

Thank you for giving me back an appreciate for snow, It's been coming down pretty hard lately, straight since Saturday evening really. I have a winter wonderland to play in, and it is fabulous. Another interesting story... today while I was cooking dinner I started to sing, "I will survive," my room-mate Justin started to whistle along with me. Austin started dancing. Chad started snapping his fingers, and the new guy (whose name I cannot for the life of me remember) started pounding the floor. It felt like a musical all of us just started in on the song and carried it through the entire length. It was amazing.

Christmas Break Thus Far

2009-01-02T13:34:00.002-07:00

Well, life hasn't been milk and honey, but it's been pretty dang good. Eve and I are progressing as well as could be expected with her leaving the country and me being mostly crazy. School is over and I've just now returned from a place where shorts were far more comfortable than pants and am not looking forward to the reverse that Winter in Utah is bound to give me.

I read several amazing books for the first time: From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankwiler, Holes, The Christmas Box, Matilda, The Little Prince, and am currently in the middle of the Watership Down and Little Women, as well as a Wheel of Time book.

I've been Scuba Diving, Sailing, Jet Skiing, Snow Mobiling, Sledding, Beech sleeping, Snorkling and Flying. Pictures will follow.

A happy new year to you and a merry Christmas past to you.

Eden

2008-12-20T20:52:00.002-07:00

I'm at my best friend's cabin. I can't recall if I've talked about the cabin on here before or not... but it's pretty dang amazing. I'm one of the only people here who doesn't really care a whit for football, but they are currently watching the BYU game. Seems like they are enjoying themselves, so I can't really complain.

I had an opportunity this afternoon to sit and wait at the gate while a car was coming up so that I could let them in and then shuttle their belongings and them up past the point where cars cannot go and snowmobiles are the only means of transportation. As I sat there for... oh, it probably ended up being somewhere near 45 minutes I had an opportunity to think about a lot of things. Particularly the beauty of the world around me. As I thought about that, and the fact that I am not likely to see Eve again for quite some time.

I know I haven't talked about Eve... she's a girl who I have been on many dates with recently. She is leaving for Spain at the end of the month and is at home until then. Hopefully I'll be able to visit her sometime during the break but if not... I miss her a lot.

She's one of the most stellar people I have ever met, gorgeous, intelligent and funny. I spent most of the past three weeks in her company and she is the point of the post prior to this one. The thing that makes me like Eve the most is that she makes me want to be a better person. It's hard to imagine why she seems to like me back but it amazes me every time she looks at me and smiles or reaches across to touch me.

This isn't going to be about Eve, but her presence in my head helps to make this place a paradise, an Eden for which I am thankful to God.

Controlling

2008-12-12T21:17:00.001-07:00

Repeat to myself:

I have no right to be jealous.
I have no right to be angry.
I have no right to be hurt.
She did nothing wrong.

Seeing Pain

2008-12-09T01:43:00.002-07:00

So, when I look at people I can see their pains. I've gotten pretty good at identifying the sources of these pains, and can usually tell you the things a person struggles with. Some people are better at hiding it than others, but for the most part, I have a large degree of empathy.

For this reason, in High School, I decided to stop feeling. As a teenager I was confused by my own emotions, let alone everyone around me. It wasn't a very happy experience. So I stopped feeling.

As I have gotten older, I've tried very hard to feel again, as I do so, I discover that I can feel other people's pain again. But there is a catch, for those girls whom I like, it doesn't work. I cannot use this gift for my own personal gain, I can only use it for others. This is particularly annoying when I like a girl and she seems to like me... but there is a 'concern' as we used to call it in the mission field. Also, it makes it very difficult for me to hate people, that is really annoying, because how can you hate someone when you can see how much pain they are in?

Sorry, venting. I told the girl I like, that I like her (my exact words were, "emotionally attached") and she said, "I kinda already knew that." What the heck does that mean? I'm so used to just understanding that this is driving me crazy, I can't for the life of me understand what's going on in her head. Help me please.

-C.A.

The quiet of the night

2008-12-04T01:07:00.002-07:00

I love the quiet of the night, the moments when no other soul stirs the wind of the house. It speaks a quiet peace to the soul, like heavy winds off the ocean. The ones that have twirled past a thousand empty dunes of rising sea and foam. In these quiet whispering moments when all the world around you is asleep and dreaming, that's when the world comes alive. Every scent, every sound takes on a mystic quality. It's these quiet moments when we turn inwards and allow the dreamscape of our souls to reflect on the mundane appliances of every day living.

I am blessed beyond measure, I cannot imagine what twist of fate has given me such fortune. For I am rich beyond measure, I have the love of friends to support me through moments of bitter dark and the hands of loved ones to share the lilting harmonies of elated bliss.

This season I am grateful for so many things. The scent of shampoo, the trilling bird song, the cascades of light upon the firmament, the touch of an honest soul, a brisk wind off the port bow, conversation late into the night, gleeful appreciation, family, salvation and redemption, celestial vistas, lunches with friendly souls, the hope of water after seven years drought, the rallying cry to defend the just. Thank you world.

-C

Still Moving

2008-11-11T02:13:00.003-07:00

The title is in reference to this talk. Although I have to admit that I am doing much better than I could reasonably hope to be. The Lord is very kind to me. He has granted unto me peace where none existed. He has stilled the aching heart and spoken peace to my mind. It is strange, part of me wants to say that I have become so well acquainted with pain that I have learned how to deal with it. But I know that is not true.

The truth is that I have been given a gift. There are many facets to this gift, and I am learning to love and appreciate them all. I was talking to a good friend of mine earlier today about my life and how I am so very afraid that sooner or later someone will see the real me, the one I keep so deeply hidden that no one can possibly see. She told me I should get counseling. I told her I should not. I have been to counselors before, they have talked to me, I knew what they were saying, I understood it and I believed it. But I can't do it. She asked why, it was because of the comfort zone. I am paralyzed by the thought of once more having my heart broken. This past two weeks I have felt that pain. I'm stronger now, I think I am finally getting over Ashley. The scars have healed and I am once more hale.

I'm not so dark a being as I am afraid I am. I am going to try and break the status quo. I'm going to try and go outside of my comfort zone. Yeah, I need to devote some time to studies, time that I am currently not devoting to them. But I need to go out on ledges more often. I need to test myself and prove my life. But most of all I need to remember the author of my salvation. I know that if I can but remember him, life will sort itslef out and I will be found doing those things wich will please both him and me. Thank you my frineds.

Asmond Woodruff

Pain

2008-11-02T10:59:00.004-07:00

You know how you think you're good at something and then you realize you aren't? Yeah, that's me.

Life has been pretty rough lately. I guess it's always rough but it's been particularly difficult for me lately. I like a girl that for various reasons... just won't work out. I talk to her often and every time I do I experience this gut wrenching pain... literally. I can't deal with this emotionally caused pain, I just don't have the strength/power to do it anymore. I told her that I liked her and that I needed to back away because I can't handle it anymore.

It's stupid, I feel stupid for doing it, it was a selfish act of desperation. As I think about it now I can't even imagine why she would want to be with me. I'm not good enough for her, I don't know if I'm good enough for anyone. The only good thing about this whole experience is that I realize now that I can still 'fall in love' like I did in High School. That part of me is alive again, I'm just remembering why I tried to make it go away. I haven't felt pain like this in 7 years.

To top this wonderful sundae off with a wonderful cherry, I just gave what is, I hope, one of the worst sunday school lessons of my life. I REALLY need to remember how to teach, I caught myself doing all of the things I hate sunday school teachers doing. I'm a miserable sort of man right now.

God have mercy on my soul.

Running again

2008-10-29T12:39:00.000-07:00

And burning bridges while I do it.

Pre-reqs for the next girl I like: Must be single.

The Screwdriver

2008-10-12T00:05:00.002-07:00

You know how when you move sometimes you lose things? Somehow in the interchange of belongings that happens over the days, weeks and months you live in a place with other people your things become so intermixed that it's almost impossible to find all of those things in their sundry places when you attempt to move out.

*** insert witty segway here ***

A few years ago I worked for the devil. Two good things came out of that dark summer. Money, lots of it (the devil has a great payrate) and my screwdriver.

I loved this screw driver, it was adaptable, and amazing. I used it that whole summer, it got scrapes, dents, and banged up from being used like a hammer to pound sensors in. It has character, and I lost it in one of those moves that I've done recently.

And tonight I went to a party of some old roomies and I found my screwdriver. It's good to have him back. Strange how we assign value to things, even more strange are the things we assign value to. I mean a screwdriver? I picked it up for like 5 dollars at a hardware store. But oh how I love it. As a techy I often need a Philipshead, and having variable head sizes is divine.

I love my screwdriver.

In other news: I got snowed on. I was told to kiss a girl I didn't like so much, by a girl. Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog is amazing.

An outlet.

2008-10-08T14:52:00.003-07:00

Pitter, patter, water's hot.
Trying to burn away the feeling.
Alone at last, not really enough.
All the confusion, hope and pain.
Swirling inside, controlled for a moment
Remembering those Haunting eyes.
From dreams to dreams
Keeping in, keeping out.
Such agonizing hope,
The thought of tomorrow, of today.
Under my skin, in my head.
The starving man watching a feast.
Reaching out to touch her cheek,
Remembering those haunting eyes.
A part of me whispers,
"There is no hope."
While aching deep the need,
For pain, for love, for agony.
The two compliment the one.
And within their confines wring free
the emotions locked so far down
I'd thought them lost forever.
And free they range, burning sweet
Through halls too long empty
The sun warming skin white from the dark
Close my eyes, drink the dregs.
Torture that reminds me I am alive
And as sweet this is reminds me
sweeter still if lips could touch
hands entwine and grasping hold
Stand against life's tempests
Together.

34...

2008-10-07T17:35:00.000-07:00

I knew this class was going to kill me, I just didn't realize how badly it was going to do so.

Second Take

2008-10-06T02:00:00.003-07:00

I don't wan t to be that guy. I don't want her to be someone who falls for that trick. So, the question: what am I going to do?

Let her do what she needs to do and sit quietly on the eves? Will I be able to? Should I? How do I know she is even what I want?

Yes I'm being obscure, it's on purpose. I think the greatest tragedy is that I want to tell someone so badly, and don't know who to tell.

The business of the day

2008-09-30T13:27:00.003-07:00

Two tests,

a lab write up,

a girl,

a service project,

work,

homework (x2),

taxes,

a paper.

I need... six more hours today.

The Lord Gives

2008-09-28T00:14:00.002-07:00

And gives, and gives, and gives.

And then he gives some more. Does anyone else wonder (in the old school sense of the word) at this? Yesterday I had an opportunity to give a blessing to a girl, I didn't know her, she didn't know me, or my 'companion.' I followed promptings I didn't even realize I was following, it was only AFTER I'd followed them that I even realized the Lord had been guiding us.

Was talking the other day to DoubleTake, about trusting in the Lord to guide our paths and how he can make more of them than we can (isn't it weird how days/weeks seem to have religious themes? Maybe it's just my head turning a thought over and over until it becomes part of me...) but... he does.

I'm not sure if I will ever see that girl again, but I'm glad I was able to give her the aid she needed. I am so very grateful for the restoration of the priesthood and the authority to act in the name of my Father.

Not really alone

2008-09-23T10:13:00.005-07:00

The following came as I thought about D&C 19:18. The Lord in his Godhood, was able to do something no other mortal could have, he survived the complete withdrawal of the his Father's spirit. O, what pain that must have been. For one who had never sinned, who had never in all his life done anything deserving of the absence of the Most High... to be alone as no other mortal ever could be. Is there any wonder he was in "an agony?" Is there any wonder that he prayed more earnestly? To be cut off from all the light in the world. To experience, for a moment, perdition. And he survived this his final trial with such elegance. Is it any wonder that he trembled? How could he possibly love me so much to be worth that?

In these my dark hours
When alone I wander.

Walking down the streets,
Silence my only companion.
Surrounded by this human sea,
My heart longs for some connection.

In these my dark hours
When alone I wander.

Skin pulsing with the ache,
To feel another's touch.
The part of me deep inside,
that dies when lovers touch.

In these my dark hours
When alone I wander.

But not really alone,
You've been there throughout.
Unable to hold my hand,
You supported my heart.

In these my dark hours,
No longer alone to wander.

Remember

2008-09-22T22:02:00.001-07:00

I was reading today in doctrine and covenants section 18 verse 10, which reads, “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” At first my thoughts turned to other people, and my recent calling which is to be that of the gospel essentials teacher. But, as I continued to ponder the words, I realized I was missing out on one of the most important parts, the remember.

I am to remember that the worth of souls is great! O, remember, remember; to make that a part of my life, my every day interactions with others. How does that simple fact change the world? To remember that the person on the bus has great worth, what impact does that have on my life? Then, I realized that this scripture isn’t just about other people, but it is about me as well, and I must remember that MY soul is of great worth to God as well. How much more does that change the world? To know that my actions are something that God himself takes great interest values highly. Something that causes him joy?

What comes out.

2008-09-05T17:22:00.003-07:00

I've been meaning to write about a lot of different things lately. This post will simply be what comes out.

Several months ago my car was pulled over while I was driving it, I got a ticket. I did not pay that ticket. I was pulled over again several months later, I got another ticket, I was also told my license was suspended. The next day I got another. 800 dollars in fines and taxes later. My car is parked and will only be used in dire straits. I've been taking the bus.

While on the bus I have an excessive amount of free time. I read. I've been reading the Count of Monte Cristo. Or... la Comte de Monte Cristo. It's amazing. I'm about 600 pages in, so about halfway, and can scarcely put it down except that I need to do homework or go to work.

I've been slacking at work, today we had performance reviews, I didn't get as much as I was hoping to get, they said the reason was because of my punctuality. Curse my miasm.

My life is full, it is pleasing and the Lord is supporting me through trials and tribulations that normally I would not have the strength to endure. I am so very grateful for his hand in my life. I see it more and more every day. In the strength of my body, the conviction of my friends, the clarity of mind and the hope. Oh most precious the light of hope to the man who has so long struggled in darkness. I feel it inside me, it illuminates and heals, but most importantly it fills the void. If God took away all else he has given me and left me that. I should hope I would count myself the luckiest man alive. For I am truly blessed to have the honor of standing beside him.

Service

2008-08-04T22:04:00.002-07:00

Two Sundays past I heard a talk that focused on three different aspects of improvement. The first was scripture reading, the second was prayer and the third was service. I've been working on the first two and today I managed to do the third. My hometeaching companion came by while I was in the middle of a video game. I dropped the video game and got dressed, we were going to go bless one of the sisters we taught, and then one of my companions fiance's room-mate.

Joseph Smith once blessed two dozen odd babies and when he returned from doing so fell asleep quickly, exhausted. He said that the process of blessing was more draining than just about any other act he had done. I kind of know what he means, the focus and intent that went into those two blessings left me drained. Physically and mentally. I've rarely felt so good about myself as I did today. Another amazing thing is that the girls looked so much better afterwards, as though the focus and effort that I'd put into them had given me the ability to see them as the Lord saw them. Which made them beautiful.

I realized that I wanted to be someone that people felt like they could call when they had needs and wants. I wanted to be someone that could be counted on.

But most of all, I felt how grateful I was for the Lord's aid and love.

-Asmond (C)

2008-07-13T18:40:00.001-07:00

I think the mountain just might be too tall.

My parents

2008-07-03T22:58:00.002-07:00

I love my parents...

They came into town. I have an extra bedroom in my apartment. Heck, I'm really the only one who lives here. So they are staying here. My room-mates have kind of trashed the place. And I just haven't taken the effort to clean up, they cleaned for like two hours tonight. I don't deserve them.

My super weakness

2008-07-02T07:21:00.003-07:00

So, lately... for whatever reason I've actually decided I wanted to start working out. And I've started doing that. The problem is that when you don't work out for... years it's hard to get into it. I'm not in horrible shape... but I could stand to be in better. My muscles get SUPER sore particularly if I use a 'new' set... so I've taken to going to the hot tub to relax them... every time I go, even if I'm only in the jacuzzi for five minutes the next three hours are a struggle to stay awake. It puts me to sleep sooooooooooo fast.

The Drive

2008-06-28T23:52:00.003-07:00

My favorite part about living as far away from the epicenter of my social life is the drive home. Summer nights in Utah are something I'll never get out of my system. The day so hot and demanding turns cool, and as you drive past yards you can feel the wetness in the air as people water their lawns. My drive home takes me through a largely rural area. As rural as you can get without ever leaving Provo and Orem city boundaries anyway. The scent of the wet loam (I'm not really sure I can use the term Loam in this instance... I feel like I haven't baled enough hay to earn that right) fills me with joy. The wind rushing through my hair and against my face... If I could say that happiness had a physical representation, it would be that. Driving down a rural road in Utah at night with the windows down and a good song on the radio.

More Dear

2008-06-26T12:31:00.003-07:00

I was talking to a coworker today about how certain things are made more dear by the price we pay for them. And as I was walking by the cube of the girl mentioned in the post previous I wondered if my viewings of her do not increase in value to me based on their rarity and how hard it is for me to get them. They are limited to chance encounters, or me walking by her cube and peaking through the narrow gap where the partitions come together, a lucky glimpse of her face. These things are valuable to me, they are meaningful.

The things that come easy are soon forgotten, but the prizes fought and bleed for... we hold them close for ages.

To quote:

We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

2008-06-18T23:46:00.002-07:00

I see a woman at work.
I do not know her name, but she is beautiful.
Every time I see her our eyes lock, and we smile.

For Janell

2008-05-22T21:06:00.004-07:00

6) Do you own a Gundam?

No... but have you seen: This?
????

11) How well do you understand the statement “you cook
or you starve"?

I love to cook?

16) Three MUSTS of men:
1) Remove Spiders
2)Eat the left-overs
3)turn the grill on
4)mow the lawn
3)not correcting my inability to count

I could probably manage.

20) Definition of ideal home transportation methods

I'm not really sure what this means... but I think it would be wicked cool to have a fireman's pole in the house.

35) Will NEVER live in UT after college– especially with children

That's cool. Don't really care.

Do you feel the following to be of a brain-rotting nature:
44) Nintendo

Depends on the game. I think some games, particularly nintendo games (Brain Age) are good for the brain. Also depends on how often it is used.

46) TV in general

Mmm... it has a place... but I don't really watch it.

49) DVD player

No.

50) DSL

Ich, slow internet connections.

To what extent are the following accidents waiting to happen?
51) Trampoline

Yes.

52) Swimming pool

Home, yes. Public, not as much.

53) Wading pool

No.

54) Fireworks in closets

Yes.

55) Janell’s cooking

Insufficent data.

56) Janell’s organization system

I recall some posts about your system, seems better than mine... which is to throw it all away.

63) Does toast always fall butter side up or butter side down?

Who allows toast to fall? Burn them.

64) Is the glass half full or half empty?

What's in it and is it mine?

67) Have you ever eaten an entire box of Oreos?

Oreos don't come in boxes... except the BIG boxes... and no, I've never eaten 8 sleeves of Oreos in a sitting.

70) How many car accidents have you been involved in?

2. Neither of which I was driving for. Also, I've been in two collisions... which I was driving.

81) One pillow or two?

None?

87) Pencil or pen?

Pencil, Zebra .5 lead.

91) Is it true that flowers for no reason are the best?

True.

94) Whose parents are the best?

Insufficent data.

102) In the last 24 hours have you dissected something?

No.

111) Do you eat with your mouth open?

Only on purpose.

122) How do you feel about hunting?

Not interested.

123) Do you have anything against Easy Mac, Ramen Noodles,
and Campbell’s Soup?

Fine for you, I'll make something better if you'd care to wait.

127) How about Peanut butter and jelly, Tuna Fish, and Grilled
Cheese (slightly burnt)?

PB&J = no good, but... in regards to an earlier post
I'm allergic to fish, so Tuna is out.
I LOVE grilled cheese.

130) How do you tell when a pineapple is ripe?

I dislike Pineapple.

Translate the Following
135) PHC : PHP home compilier
136) PVC : Polyvinal Chloride
137) REM : Rapid Eye Movement
138) RAM : Random Access Memory
139) PRC : Peoples Republic of China
140) HTML : Hyper Text Markup Language

141) Did you just you a dictionary? No.

Blessings of the Gospel.

2008-05-14T15:20:00.002-07:00

If you aren't paying rent, you don't get to live in the apartment.

That's the contract. Now... apply that to gospel contracts.

If you aren't repenting your baptism doesn't do anything for you.

If you aren't being faithful to your wife, you aren't sealed to her.

That's the end. If you aren't filling your part of the contract God isn't filling his. Now granted, God's a pretty forgiving guy and 'his hands are stretched out still' but... it's all based on you and your willingness to do your part, since God is going to keep His end.

That's a little more blunt than I would have put it in the context that actually made me think this up. But... thinking about it makes me realize just how screwed I am.

Time to start riding again.

Thoughts

2008-05-07T22:17:00.002-07:00

Today it rained.

Today it rained and I walked out side and smelt the air, and the scent of the warm, wet wind took my mind back to a hundred moments unconnected except by that scent. I think I heard somewhere that the scent of rain these days is the result of pollution. And in my head I thought of the following scene:

Hero looked up at the rain, and let the drops fall softly on his hair. It wasn't a heavy rain, just a light drizzle. His soldiers moaned and hurried off to their tents hoping to avoid getting wet. Hero just let his senses wander, he marveled yet again at the smell of rain here. So unlike home, the rain here smelled pure and clean, not like the ozone filled scent of rain from his past. Or was it his future? Trapped in the past before combustion engines became the mainstay of society. Trapped fighting a war for an army history had taught him he would lose.

Hero sighed and shifted his cloak to cover his sword belt and flipped the hood up, he didn't look forward to rusted armor. But... how he wished he could be home where the rain was tainted and home was 400 miles and two hours away. He had been a no one there, and yet he longed for those days when all he had to worry about was if his drinking would make Wife angry.

"Wife." He said softly, letting her name escape--misting the air in front of his face. The words as visible and untouchable as her face was in his memory.

Horns called out shrill and morose in the falling darkness. Hero clung to the moment for as long as he could, one hand lifted to touch the smoke billowing out of his mouth into the chilled air, reaching out to touch Her. Just as quickly as the rain fell, he was brought back to the here and now, the Normands were coming and the men of England needed their commander. Hero nodded Baren, who he realized had been relating the most recent troop positions.

Hero looked up one last time, longingly, at the sky, and remembered the scent of rain.

Just a quick update

2008-05-03T22:39:00.002-07:00

I miss people. A lot.

Today I went to see Iron Man with my friend Jay. I miss being around people. I miss conversations that aren't about work. I miss feeling like I belong to a group of people. I can't wait to move closer to Campus, closer to people.

I just want to feel like my life has meaning again. Work isn't enough.

"I know that man up there on that cross. I don't know his name, but I know he got down."

2008-04-03T20:32:00.001-07:00

He had to take several deep breaths to steady himself, for this was the final and most decisive test of his skill.

Tagged.

2008-02-16T16:10:00.003-07:00

10 years ago today...
Krystal tagged me for this. Here are the rules: Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 3 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

5 things on my to-do list today:

Pay the remainder of my rent.
Don't get other people sick.
Get better.
Do the dishes.
Clean my room.

I enjoy:

Computers, computer games, video games, movies, books, nature, girls, flirting, cooking, programing, talking.

What would I do if I were suddenly a billionaire?

Fix my car, pay my debts... buy a new computer. On second thoughts... I'd just trade my car in and get a new one.

3 of my bad habits:

Lying/Extravagant Story Telling.
Sleeping in/staying up late.
Chocolate.

5 places I have lived:

Orem, Utah, U.S.A.
Chorleywood, Hertfordshire, U.K.
Grand Rapids, Michigan, U.S.A.
Watauga, Texas, U.S.A.
Mareietta, Georgia, U.S.A.

5 jobs I have had:

Overnight Stocker - Walmart
Installation Specialist - Apex Security
Game Adviser - GameSTOP
Technician (in charge of the public printing system on campus) - B.Y.U.
Assistant Manager - Coldstone Creamery

5 things you might not know about me:

I play MUDs.
I purchased my first watch ever just four months ago.
I'm addicted to Dove.
I only get four hair cuts a year.
I have been to all 48 mainland states.

I'm tagging: Th., Emily, Sarah.

Confused

2008-02-10T00:40:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long time my emotions have gotten in the way of my mental capacity.

I do not know how to explain this feeling in my chest. I can't describe it as good or bad, I can't explain the cause of it, I can't even try and say things it is like. Because I simply don't know what words I would use.

If it had a color, the color would be muddy and gray, twisted and changing not storm like, too much brown and greens for a storm. But over all gray.

If it had a taste it would be mac and cheese with chili, and green beans, pizza and ice cream, some corn and a half a hot dog.

If it could be spelled, there would be a silent x, two l's but not together, a smattering of r's, a ph, but no fricatives.

I don't know where it comes from, I don't know how to get rid of it. All of my fixes have failed. I am at a loss as to what this is or how to fix it. I feel like a teenager again is this how what emotions feel like? I don't remember this sort of semi-pain. I only call it pain because that is the closest thing to it that I have a word for. I have begun to feel again, but I don't know how to deal with this I don't want to shut it away I want to sort it out but I have no idea how to do that. I think I would like to cry. That somehow weeping would get rid of this... mass in my chest.

How I want to weep. To curl up into a ball and wear myself out in crying. To squeeze this thing out of me like a towel until it has dripped away and left me dry and sane again. How do you cry?

Some business to be taken care of:

2008-02-04T12:19:00.000-07:00

First, there is a new interest in my life (when ISN'T there a new interest in my life?) her nick is 'Rain' or 雨(romaji ame).

Second, I predict that the new apostle will be a non-native English speaker. We are an international church and God has called two of his apostles to him. Age may have had something to do with it... but I think he also needed some representatives from other countries speaking more openly from the podium. I'm voting for Carlos R.M. Costa or Merril J. Bateman. I admit Bateman is a throwback favorite of mine since he was the president of BYU and I met him...

Third, if you haven't heard Uchtdorf has taken President Hinckley's (uh... in number not in position) spot on the First Presidency.

Fourth, and the real reason for this post:

雨(rain) has introduced me to something called the Hinckley Challenge. Which is basically a repetition of the challenge President Hinckley gave while he was alive only in 97 days, instead of a year. That's a day for every year he lived. I've decided to take this challenge and find that it is helping me find myself already. 雨 is a good influence on me. :) It's funny how things develop. I'll probably talk more about her in the future but... not yet.

風

My tribute

2008-01-31T12:15:00.001-07:00

I imagine it happened something like this:

After a round of chemo, the normally vibrant old man was tired. He was at home, a grandchild sitting next to him, in her chair. He looks at the chair, and longing is in his eyes. Then he looks at his grand child, and smiles, soon he asks for a moment so that he can pray before retiring. In his prayer he asks simply if his work is done for he longs to go home. The sweet assurance that he has come to love enters his mind and he slips peacefully into sleep.

The next day he calls his family together, to say goodbye. And like Lehi of old he give his advice to each. And then, he slips peacefully into another kind of sleep. Where his master and the woman of his life and dreams were waiting.

Eyes to see, but no hands to heal.

2008-01-31T02:20:00.000-07:00

I don't suppose I have much to say. I have a pseudo date with the girl that I went to the concert with on Friday. That should be entertaining. I just had a discussion with my non-LDS roommates about well... sex. In such a graphic manner as I have never before discussed the subject.

And then I talked to a dear friend of mine and they told me about getting drunk. I don't really consider myself an emotional person... but my upbringing has made me very indisposed to certain things. Like sex and substance abuse. I am sure that I have a myriad of sins and vices that eat away at my soul just as quickly... but when presented with a doobie I don't have to think. The answer is no.

But hearing about him drinking... I felt a wounded. I firmly believe that there is a path to happiness. The individual steps of that path are many but the concepts behind them are the same. There is an ultimate truth, this may be why I am so resistant to drugs that affect my mood (make me happy) because you must find happiness inside yourself. You can't rely on some external stimulus to make you happy. You have to be happy despite the external stimulus.

I don't know how to help my friend. They have some challenges that I don't know how to climb. Some challenges which I will never personally be asked to defeat. How do I let him see what I see? I see so much pain in the world but have no hands to mend. I hope God knows how to heal the hurts I see. I have to have faith that he does, I do have faith that he does. I just can't stand to see such dear friends pierced by so many wounds.

Shucking the Soul

2008-01-30T02:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those moments where... all the disgusting clinging leaves and corn silk/corn hair suddenly fall free of your body and you--the part of you that is you and nothing else--are able to float in some sort of strange ethereal jelly? Divulged of all the trappings of mortality you exist in a plane of consciousness that allows you simply to be?

I had one of those moments today. I went to a piano concert at BYU where the splendidly talented gentleman played Fredrick Chopin's Piano Sonata 2 (The funeral march) although his version was much better (probably because it was in person and not by some crappy video camera...)

It was amazing. And when I came back to earth... I felt lighter.

Something I've been thinking about for a while...

2008-01-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

I just can't think of a good way to do this because the written form is more different than the verbal form.

[her-oh-in]

Which were you thinking:

n. A white, odorless, bitter crystalline compound, C17H17NO(C2H3O2)2, that is derived from morphine and is a highly addictive narcotic. Also called diacetylmorphine.
n.

1. A woman noted for courage and daring action.
2. A woman noted for special achievement in a particular field.
3. The principal female character in a novel, poem, or dramatic presentation. See Usage Note at hero.

Out of Georgia

2007-12-27T03:02:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving here today.

First thing I did when I woke up an hour earlier than I had planned: Defend the Jehovah's Witnesses. Weird.

I find it strange how people who preach free thought seek to limit it. (Atheists in their need to destroy religion.) How people who pretend to follow Jesus Christ cannot seem to love their neighbor. How the Muslims feel the need to attack everything that isn't 'me.'

I re-entered the LDS faith because it taught to accept all truth. And yet I find most members willing only to walk safely behind line of 'accepted' truth.

Why is mankind so afraid of everything that he cannot identify as 'me?' How can we expect to be happy if we live in a constant state of fear?

2007-12-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

I'm scared. It's all going to change starting tomorrow. I'm not going to let another amazing girl slip through my fingers.

Christmas Wishes

2007-12-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone has the best of days today, this season, and throughout the coming year.

Things I wish for you:

To be filled with the love of the Savior whose birth we celebrate, and life we seek to emulate. I hope this love manifests itself in two ways, your love for others--your ability to see past their shortcomings and flaws and truly wish them the best--and that you may love yourself so completely, as HE loves you.

Good music. To uplift the spirit, fill the heart and rest the mind.

Laughter. To cure the sadness, to forge precious memories and to light the darkness.

But mostly just the first, God bless you my friends, my brothers and sisters.

-CAB

P.S. Please respond to the last post!

A character in a story

2007-12-23T12:48:00.000-07:00

If you were a character in a story... how would you be described upon introduction?

The Tempest is Raging

2007-12-21T02:14:00.000-07:00

Master, with anguish of spirit
I bow in my grief today
The depths of my sad heart are troubled
Oh, waken and save, I pray!
Torrents of sin and of anguish
Sweep o'er my sinking soul
And I perish! I perish! dear Master
Oh, hasten, and take control.

Today my father couldn't sleep. As I keep hours that allow me to be awake during the night. I also was awake. He wanted to have a talk with me. We covered a wide array of things and ended up talking most about Love. When it comes down to it, everything is about love. It is the driving force in everything we do. Those who lose it, cease to function unless they can replace it. It started because we were talking about my sister, and his worries for her. I didn't know how to answer his queries. So I gave him the answer that works for every question about how to help someone:

Walk forward. And love them enough that they want to and can follow.

That's the gospel boiled down into simplest form. What God does for us, what we do for others. I guess John said it first, "God is Love." (1 John 4:8)

All this time searching for meaning to find it in the words of one very old gentleman (I suppose he has or will soon celebrate his 2000th birthday) who knows a lot more than I do. I was also asked advice from a young acquaintance of mine about how to deal with a sticky situation with a male friend of hers who has become excommunicated from the church. I gave her much the same advice only modified since she has no stewardship over this young man.

My father also said that he didn't think I would be happy if part of my profession did not involve listening to people and helping them solve their problems. I agree. Does that mean I need to become a shrink?

The winds and the waves obey Thy will
Peace, be still!
Whether the wrath of the storm tossed sea
Or demons or men, or whatever it be
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean, and earth, and skies
They all shall sweetly obey Thy will
Peace, be still! Peace, be still!
They all shall sweetly obey Thy will
Peace, peace, be still!

Asmond Evoloution

2007-12-07T18:44:00.001-07:00

Alright, sorry this has taken so long, a pictographic history of Asmond with strange comments interspersed.

Asmond as a newborn. Please note the belly button. This disproves many false traditions concerning my birth.

Asmond as a slightly less new, newborn. Prior to my ability to walk. Dang straight, how many of YOUR kids could support their own weight/balance before they could walk?

Heck, I was even CUTE once... It was a long time ago.

I was taught at an early age to ignore my hair being all crazy like. I kinda like it.

Remember what I said about the hair... yeah.

Ahh, sweet birthday pictures. Apparently I was mostly photographed on my birthday. I think my parents were scared of how awesome their child was.

I know you aren't supposed to have favorite sisters... but who cares? This is mine. Also, I have no idea what was in my mouth.

I had such a mischievous grin... I'm sure that's gone now.

Ahh SANTA! I look giddy. I was giddy once... weird.

The proof that I was once athletic; and my little sister was cute.

This Just In:

2007-12-04T06:46:00.001-07:00

Natural Selection Dooms Humanity to Stone Age!

While working in the pharmacy section of the evil store that I work at the other day I encountered a strange sight(not for the faint of heart in fact... don't follow most of these links.). A gaggle of young native Georgian woman. Now, I was in the pharmacy section of the store. Do you know what is in the pharmacy section of the store? Things a single LDS male need not think about. This group of young women ( probably 15-17 in age ) were followed around by two hoodlum looking young men of the same age. They of course followed at a discreet distance, but made occasional remarks and were talked about... Anyway, they were looking for a pregnancy test. Of course they glanced about and finally chose to pick the cheapest one, after all results don't really matter. Then they grabbed some condoms. I personally should have thought the condoms be purchased long ago.

Natural selection is Darwin's theory that allowed for evolution. Basically the strong and smart survive long enough to reproduce.

So here is the problem: Humanity has eliminated ( except to a very small degree ) the process of natural selection in our reproductive cycles. Just about anyone can live to be old enough to reproduce, you don't have to be strong, you don't have to be smart. In fact, the smart ones prevent child birth completely. (I tired to do some research on this... but it took too much time/effort so I'll say that it may or may not be true... but it FEELS true.) Now with notable exceptions the more educated you are the fewer children you have (another one of those feels true things.)

So... how are these things related? If you equate money with being smart or strong, and poor people have more children. These are the same people that left to fend for themselves by providing food and shelter, would have died. So, we've eliminated natural selection from humanity. So what? I probably wouldn't be around if I had to provide for myself... I may be smart but I'm not strong.

However, I have noticed another trend in Americans. We like to marry people who are like us. Physically, mentally and spiritually. So smart people marry smart people, strong people marry strong people. Eventually we become morlocks and eloi. Gosh, I wish I could think up some sort of original thought. Stupid H.G. Wells came up with this blog YEARS ago. Only 'better.'

Oh well, moral of the story, you smart people, marry strong people and have smart, strong kids.

The end.

All over the place

2007-11-22T13:37:00.000-07:00

While taking a shower just now I realized that either my blogging style reflects my mental babble, or my mental babble reflects my blogging style. Because I THINK in blogs. So... here comes some things I've been thinking about lately:

My parents left for Indiana yesterday, I've had the house to myself since then. I tried out being naked. Not as much fun as you'd think, apparently buttocks are more sensitive than one realizes plus... you feel guilty about sitting down because you'll leave butt juice or cooties or something everywhere you sit. Not a pleasant thought and you can't go downstairs because the stairs are right before the front door, which has two rather revealing windows on either side of it. Yeah, I don't think I like naked.

I'm really grateful for Easter at the Bockholts. I wish I could do Thanksgiving there, and only partially because of Sister Bockholt's pie. Mmmmmmm. Chocolate silk pie. Mmmmmmm. I owe a lot to that family and I don't think I've ever properly thanked them. So thanks. Pass it on to the rest of your house! And Happy Thanksgiving! I wish I could be more like them, married for one thing. Incredibly jealous of that, but also... these are people whom I have known for a very, very long time. I like them despite and maybe because of their flaws. That's gotta be a good thing. I miss them. I don't miss the dogs though, so scratchy. :)

On account of it being thanksgiving I'm going to actually make some real food. Chicken, rice, onions, pees, and peppers. It's going to be tasty. Just wish I had some chocolate silk pie.

Also, clarification, if you read this blog odds are I miss you. I can't think of anyone that has the address that I don't miss immeasurably. I generally think of my blogs as going to a larger audience than they actually are though. So... yeah. :)

To food!

So much to say

2007-11-16T10:03:00.000-07:00

I've been planning this post for a long time. And as such there is so much to say that I will not cover half of what I wanted to write. So, forgive me and I hope you know there is so much more between the lines.

1. I work at a large department/grocery store where I do overnight stocking of (mostly) the housewares section. I understand about 2/3rds of what my coworkers say. Their accent makes things INCREDIBLY difficult. It also makes for some funny/irritating things. For example... shopping carts here they are called buggies, but since Georgians have an accent to me it sounds like they are saying bungies. I hate it, and on that principle alone I have refused to call them anything but shopping carts.

2. I don't think I'm a good match for "hopelessly romantic" which is a nym for a girl most of you don't know, and don't know the nym for. My apologies for not keeping up on my life as much as I should. I am in fact still infatuated with Unicorn. I think I'll actually do something about it when I move back to Utah in less than a month and a half.

3. Cathi Palmer wrote me a few messages. I quoted her a bit ago and somehow she managed to find my blog. That's cool! While I was on my mission a poem she wrote was included on the back page of The New Era, I clipped it because I liked the poem so much... and I think I kinda liked the picture too. The poem has stuck with me and often comes to mind when that sense of something inside me refuses to voice itself. I have to admit... I had pictured her as somewhat younger (mostly because it was in The New Era) than she is more of a peer it's strange how the internet can bring two together two people from such differing backgrounds and stations in life together.

4. I just reread "Speaker for the Dead". How did I miss all the psychology the first time through? I mean... wow! I blame the fact I was 12 when I read it.

5. I've recently reread "The Screwtape Letters" and can I say that it took me about 10x longer than it took me to read Speaker. I want to re-read it again, such amazing concepts!

6. I recently read Ender's Shadow and one of Bean's comments really struck me. While he was in the transport from battle school to tactical school he was isolated from his peers. He stated that his thoughts circled back in upon themselves and it was harder to think clearly. I feel much the same way in my self imposed isolation. There is so much I want to talk to people about... but I just don't have anyone around.

7. One of the greatest parts about my job is that while it keeps my hands busy my mind is relatively free to wander. I think I'll have to make it a point in my life to have some sort of regular menial task that frees my mind to do just such a thing. That aspect of my life more than anything else has sped my recuperation. I have always filled my mind with... titillations. The forced introspection has done my soul much good.

That is all for now. I miss most of you and am working on missing the rest. :)

-Cam

Prayers?

2007-10-30T10:51:00.000-07:00

It's funny how things work in life. I've been living in GA for about two months now, and I life hasn't really gotten a lot better. I'm coming more in touch with my wishes...but doing things is still an incredibly difficult thing for me. It's just too hard to try these days.

Anyone who meets me in person will probably not realize how hard it is for me to act, in person I am generally a very outgoing person who likes to do things with others. I hope they don't see the almost paralyzing lack of fear that I suffer from. Yeah, lack of fear. I think a little bit of fear is a good thing, fear of being alone, fear of dying, fear of being made to look a fool, fear of being caught. I don't experience those fears and so I calmly let life pass me by without even trying to ride the rapids. Last semester I had a movie night at my apartment every week. It was the hardest thing I did that semester. It required planning, it required work, and it usually involved disappointment.

I had to pick out the movie, I sent out invites, I created a facebook event, I had to find the movie, I had to make sure all the AV stuff was ready for the movie, I cleaned the apartment, I went and personally invited people. I don't think I realized just how hard it was for me to do it until just now. The hardest part was sitting there, waiting for people to show up. I tried not to care, but sitting outside on the porch until 30 minutes after it was supposed to start waiting for someone to show up...

Anyway, one of the successes of those events was that some people did in fact show up. One was a girl who we will call Ohio. I talked to Ohio and enjoyed the company but that was about it, Cowboy roomie #2 said he liked her and there was no way I was going to be able to compete, so I put it out of my mind. Still, we were friends. When I came out to Georgia we began a facebook correspondence which isn't unusual. But today as I was responding to one of her messages something struck me.

She said she had been praying for me. Now, for I'm not sure if we will ever find out just how much merit our prayers have, but I imagine sometime when I get to heaven I'll find out that x prayed for me and because of that y happened. My mother when I was a teenager and struggled with some of the hardest decisions and realizations of my life, things that brought me back to church and away from the pains that I otherwise felt. Things that healed me body and soul. And now, Ohio praying for me, may very well be connected to the events of last Tuesday.

I haven't been sleeping well, which isn't an usual thing for someone who is running from life and has no obligations, but this particular morning I went to sleep around 7 and got out of bed at about 7:30 unable to sleep. I got on my computer, and for some strange reason I filled out an application to work for a company online. I answered all their silly questions and figured they'd give me a call in a few days...

They called me later that afternoon and asked me to come in for an interview. I got the job, I start tomorrow.

Thank you Ohio, thank you everyone else. Perhaps with your prayers I'm not as lost as I thought I was.

My favorite room

2007-10-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

In my parents big new house we have a lot of these new fangled rooms that we didn't have in our old big house. For example, we have a bonus room. This room is really just a craft room but you can only enter it by going through either the bathroom or the library. The Library is another one of these new rooms we didn't have in my old house. I think this is mostly because we had so many bed rooms in my old house.

But... the library is my favorite room. It's actually two rooms with a large arched entry between the two. It has books in it. Lots of books. My mom is a librarian and between her, my dad and the rest of the family they have managed to acquire 10 bookshelves worth of books for themselves. Sorry 11. The room also contained a huge new desk that is absolutely amazing and beautiful. This is set up in the middle of the main room of the library. Behind it is another desk where my dad's ancient (four years old) pc sits. My laptop sits on the big desk and another older desk sists to the side and contained the router, cable modem and printers.

The Thomas Kincaid painting that my parents picked up in Hawaii sits on the floor leaning against one of the bookshelves just waiting to be hung. The phone outlet hangs out of the wall it's wires exposed to the prying public. The mid-sized closet is full of my Dad's old jackets in horrible fleece and even his old worn out leather one. With a few garment bags holding what must be some dresses of my mothers. I had no idea she had dresses that needed garment bags.

Only two of the bookshelves are in this, the outer room, of the library. They contain the children's fiction and romance novel sections of our library, I told you my mom was a librarian right? Next we move over to the reading area of the library.

A large black bean bag sits in the middle of the floor where I have placed it so as to be within easy reach of everything. A comfortable recline-able black leather chair and footrest/food rest sit in the other corner. The beanbag is nearest my guilty pleasure section. (Do not read the book: The Secret Journal of Brett Coulton by Kay Lynn Mangum by the way... such a horribly good read) LDS novels. Then it hits the church section. Travel books and reference media. Two lamps one the stain glassed touch kind that seem to be in every den known to man kind and another the large standing-room kind that was invented because apartments stopped putting in central lighting.

And on the desk, or on the floor near the bean bag. Somewhere near where I am, the vanilla cinnamon candle and a small box of matches.

What's your favorite room?

Candles and Cinnamon Bears

2007-10-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

In this big house where my parents live I sometimes have a hard time finding things. One day while glancing around and through cupboards I chanced upon a treasure trove of old memories. In the form of candles.

When I was younger, I'd spend a lot of my time in my room reading. Well, being as I was a prepubescent boy my hygiene wasn't exactly... exemplary. As such, the room began to smell, a little, of course since I was sitting in the room reading I didn't smell anything. But every time I, or my mother, opened the door the smell leaked out. And soon that little smell became a big smell. My mother asked me to keep the door and window open in an effort to allow fresh air in. That didn't work. So she gave me a candle.

It was a cinnamon vanilla candle from the Salt City Candle Company. I love the smell of that candle. But I'm a boy, so I didn't actually light the candle, just kept it in my room with the top off. My mother would come in occasionally and light the candle when the smell became... overpowering. The candle lasted years.

I think it no great surprise that I liked it so much. That smell became instantly associated with some of the happiest times of my youth. Sitting quietly in my room my mind safely whisked away to worlds where magic and dragons were real and love was how every story ended.

Looking back on those times I wonder if I have in my some innate love for the cinnamon smell it contained or if perhaps it's scent combined with those memories created in me a love for the scent. Either way, I am in love with all things cinnamon--except the actual taste of cinnamon which doesn't at all remind me of the smell and I don't really find very pleasing. There is only one universal exception to that rule... cinnamon bears. I love cinnamon bears. Let me restate that just in case you didn't understand it before. I love cinnamon bears. Emphasis on the love, accent it, bolded, etc., etc., ect.

In high school I would often go down to Macey's and purchase myself a pound or two of the sticky red substance. Only to devour it within hours. Now, cinnamon bears are one of the few things I've never been selfish of and would always offer to share my bears in the hopes that all could enjoy their tantalizing nature. Most of the time it served me well. But once, just once it led to one of the greatest violations of my young life.

There I was sitting in the movie theatre with a girl. Sharing my bears like always, they had been snuck in of course anyone who purchases candy at the movie theatres is silly. They sat calmly on my lap and anyone could reach and grab a few to be enjoyed in their seats. I passed them around as is wont to be done in such cases and then made sure that they returned, very promptly to me. You may think harshly of me for this, but I assure you I was only looking out for the thing which I loved.

Well, a girl (who... I guess you could call my date) was sitting next to me... she reached over and took the bag. I was flabbergasted. I had already passed the bag around in my perfunctory duty and here she was stealing my cinnamon bears. She had not asked for the bag, it was easily within reach of her hands but no that wasn't good enough she stole my cinnamon bears. I was flabbergasted. I was appalled. I would have none of that. I rallied my troops and went to rescue my hostage. But, and I can only assume that in her devious womanly nature she had planned this well in advance, somehow in the ensuing battle. There was a causality, my hand. This ruthless girl had traded my hand for the bag of cinnamon bears. Now at first I thought it a fair trade, but then... I realized what I was doing!

I was no spring chicken, I was a freshman at BYU! I knew what happened when girls held your hand, it's not pretty. I'll spare the details for those of you who happen to have maintained your innocence but I assure you... it's enough to make the hair on your chest curl. But still... I was willing to sacrifice for my cinnamon bears.

As should you. Do not allow them to take your precious sweets from you! NEVER GIVE UP! NEVER SURRENDER!

** The previous became a rant on the evils of womenkind because the author was again under the influence of the sweet, intoxicating aroma of cinnamon vanilla. He is not to be held accountable for his actions. And please... send him cinnamon bears, Georgia doesn't have bin candy! **

Across the Country

2007-09-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

Well, as some of you may know... and as most of you may not. I've moved. Across the country, to Georgia. I hate it.

For the longest time I've said that the only thing I feel these days is sadness and depression. But then I met... let's call her... Emily. Emily is a girl much like myself with all the issues and problems that arise from being like me. Emily moved to Spain, then I moved to Georgia. I thought I might love her... but now I realize that I don't, I'm fairly bad at showing the part of me that actually matters.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself...

I moved to Georgia because I felt it was the right thing to do, not because it was something that I wanted to do, or even really felt like doing. But because I NEEDED to do it. I think for the first time in a long time God managed to send me a message. I thought I had hit rock bottom... but I didn't. I think here I finally emotionally have. Rock bottom isn't full of depression, it isn't even full of anger. It's being alone. I've always felt alone, but now... now I am alone. I have come to realize how much I need other people.

I was asked what I'm doing... and the answer is exactly what the pause has indicated: nothing. I have become a void, dull.. listless. I even missed my To the Left by Th. I realize now... maybe just a little what outer darkness is all about, why being together with your family is so important. I know why people get up in the morning, why they move about and exist. It's for that hope, that chance, that maybe today... maybe today they'll find family. And if they've found it, they get up because... they've found it and you never want to lose that. You'll give up everything for that chance, that opportunity.

I miss everyone so much. I know what I want now... I've just got to find a way to remind myself of what it is that I want. Something that reminds me right when I wake up in the morning. To give me a reason to wake up.

-Me

To DC

2007-06-24T05:36:00.001-07:00

Well, after a few miles I've successfully managed to make my way from Provo, UT -> Washington, DC via Goshen, IN. It is to date, the longest road trip I've ever made, although falling far short of the longest vacation but will achieve both of those ends in the near future. Which is sad... because the vast amount of legwork to be covered will be made without companionship in the car.

Thoughts on the Journey:

1. While sweets may sounds like a good idea, they very rarely are a good idea for a long road trip. Do not purchase too many of them, but rather enjoy a plethora of options for your food resources. Mainly focus on healthier foods because they won't make you sick after 4 hours of sleep in Iowa, and driving 12 hours the day before. With 10 more hours of driving the next day.

2. Our bodies are strange things, you learn this after having three people cramped in an 8 by 8 square for nigh on 48 hours straight.

3. Compromises are strange things.

4. I hate it when other people fail to do what they are supposed to do. I wonder how often I fall into that category?

5. I really kinda do like my family... who would have thunk.

6. I hate how easy it is for a girl to control the thoughts of a man. All I wanted was a few hours with my cousins. They are such cool people. Compromise will only make me feel better if you marry this girl soon. Otherwise... I hate you.

More info on the actual journey:

We started Friday at about 9 am. Jay drove through to Laramie on I-80. I drove from that point, where I started to drive. I drove from Laramie to... somewhere in eastern Nebraska. Along the way we found a fantastic lightning storm. Uncharacteristically dry but... it heralded the rain that would come in the subsequent 14 hours of driving. I miss Texan lightning storms. After Ryan picked up driving at about 11:30-12:00 we headed through the rest of Nebraska and on into Iowa. This is where I slept, in the back seat of the car... in the rain... Ryan drove for a few hours and then Jay took over again, he drove until 7-8 where I picked it back up just in time to drive through Chicago. I hate Chicago. I finished all the way through to Goshen, where my aunt and uncle live. We power napped, ate some real food, and showered in Goshen. From there Ryan drove another two hours (he hadn't slept the night before...) into Iowa. Jason finished up what was left of Ryan's 4 hour shift, I took over from just west of Penn through to Maryland. From which point I acted as Navigator to Jay as he finished up the last leg of the trip. Driving times:

Jason: 17.5
Cam: 18.5
Ryan: 6

Coming soon: DC, DC -> NY, Wicked, NY, NY -> GA, GA, GA -> Home.

How I'm doing.

2007-06-13T00:37:00.000-07:00

I was asked today how I was doing, and as I am in a habit of answering all such questions that are asked in earnest here goes:

1. 33.6 that's the standard answer.
2. I've been better, there are things in my life which I find amazingly worthwhile, but at the same time I am amazingly broke. So, I'm thinking about money issues a lot, or not thinking about them a lot depending upon the day. I need to get a new job, or at least another one. But I can't because I'm leaving town soon to go on a road trip I absolutly cannot afford in a car that needs repairs that I can't even dream of being able to pay for.
3. I'm listening to Josh Groban's The Prayer, which is amazing, and I am doing much better.
4. For the first time in a very, very long time I feel as though I am feeling again. I have a bad habit of shutting emotions away into a corner and ignoring them. I am making a conscious choice to feel and I am actually doing it from time to time. It hurts, I feel alone... a lot. I guess that's what happens when you spend most of your time shutting people out so that you won't feel. But God how I wish I felt loved sometimes.

Thank you for asking. I love it when people really mean it. How are you?

-C

A song without Words

2007-05-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

I'm going to wax arrogant for a moment. I'm fairly good with words, they come easily to me and... seem to be good friends in life. Not really spoken words, but written. But every now anad again I reach that ponit.

It's the point when the words fail me, the depression, anger, joy, hope, fear, love... they become wordless chimera's haunting at the very edges of my mind. It is in these moments that I must turn to alternative sources of expression. Sadly... I do not have many. I am not a great song writer, singer, painter, or sculptor. And thus the emotions sit there and burn unable to escape their prison.

Last night was one of those moments. I sat around a fire, isolated by the closeness of others. I sat while others enjoyed themselves dancing, or even the solitude of attempting to bear ones soul to another. I needed to purge, I needed the tears to fall. I could not say the words, I do not know the words that would have helped me. In that moment there was no avenue of expression that was open to my pursuit. It was an agony, dying, but unable to be killed. To quote Pirates. Again, my words fail me, the words of other fail me. I do not know how to release those Daitya plague my peace of mind and beg to be released but know not the path.

"If you will sing me a song without words
That will express the feelings I cannot write,
I will compose you a poem
That will release the music you can almost hear."
- Cathi Palmer

Five questions

2007-04-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

The idea is that you are asked five questions by another blogger... then people ask you for five questions and pass it on in that respect.

1. You're the only person I know who has met Chuck Norris. No one I know has seen you and Chuck Norris in the same room. ERGO, I think you ARE Chuck Norris. Am I getting warm? How warm?

Answer: See answer to #2.

2. For some reason I have never seen a photograph of you that I find looks like you. ERGO, I think you are a vampire. What's your favorite flavor?

Answer: Come now, first Chuck Norris and now a Vampire? The world itself could not contain the awesomeness that is me. Now to answer your first question, your question contradicts itself. Either I am the only person you know to have met Chuck Norris or I am Chuck Norris. I cannot be both at the same time, for we have many mutual friends. As for my favorite flavor, it's not so much the blood type that affects the taste of blood... but rather the person. I'm currently a fan of high maintaince blonds, they have a sort of... tangy taste to them, although I've always been a sucker for a red-head. (But you can't turn a red-head into a vampire... there skin just becomes too white to deal with.)

3. I just bought a bag of marshmallows and four bags of Reese's pieces (the 17oz ones) and I am not ashamed. What's something YOU are not ashamed of?

Answer: Nothing... and everything? You see I have come to the point that I don't even consider what other people think in regards to my actions... so I am neither proud of nor ashamed of anything I have done or will do.

4. Thirty-five years ago, neither of us was born. Thirty-five years from now, some people still won't be. Could you give us some examples?

Answer: Examples of people who still won't be born in the year 2043: My seventh-born son. Harry Potter, Tom Riddle and Albus Dumbledore. A strange crossbreed between man, thinking screwdrivers, and Whales. However, I will note that CATS will have been born at this time.

5. Nobody's looking! (Pause.) So...what did you do while no one was looking? Be honest now.

Looked around to make sure no one was looking.

Now! If you want to play, leave a comment and I will visit you (or email you) and ask you five questions all your very own. Or not. Whatever.

A dreaming Svithe

2007-04-17T06:20:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning to a dream, not an uncommon thing for me to do... the dreams premise was thus: That I had been called back to finish off the last three months of my mission. So, after the typical very strange moments at the beginning of the dream where I was assigned my companionship (usually a threesome for some strange reason), and getting to know them. I got to experience my first companionship study. And... for some reason the district leader and his comp were there as well.

He posed a simple question, one which I can't now remember the exact verbiage of, but which goes something along the lines of: "What is the cause of all the world's woes?" One of my companions (who was a very attractive girl by the way...) answered half jokingly, "Wal-Mart." Which was funny but at the same time I can see why she thought that. Big business which separates people from each other, that removes the connections in life for the sake of convenience. But that wasn't the answer, so my DL asked me what the answer was.

The following was my answer:

"I am firmly of the conviction that any time someone goes out and breaks a law of the gospel it is because they are not having an emotional need met. Very few people in the world are so mentally deranged that on a happy, good day they would go out and kill someone. It is always because they are feeling a lack, a void, and they seek for something that will help them fill that void. If you feel as though no one loves you, then you will turn to a violation of the law of chastity or a chemical addiction in hopes that you will somehow meet that need. These people who do this... they aren't for the most part bad, they simply don't know how to fix the pain, and they are trying the best way they know how to feel complete, whole.

“It is our responsibility as missionaries, and as followers of Christ to show them the correct method of meeting that name, the way they can be filled without resorting to a counterfeit. We have been given a precious gift, the knowledge of how to be happy. It isn't always the easiest thing in the world to do; in fact it's going to be harder by far than any of the counterfeit options.

"It is my conviction that there is no NEED that God will not meet and give us in a timely and efficient manner. Now, there are plenty of wants that God will not give us at based off simple request, but no needs, absolutely none. He will be there to give us the necessities of life, and in doing so will give us some of the most sublime, and special moments of human existence. We must teach people to hunger for those moments. Make the fruits of the spirit our wants and we will never need again.”

I’m so very thankful that I could call this a dream and not a nightmare.

Answers and a Svithe

2007-04-09T02:47:00.000-07:00

Well, since you asked for it... and as I tend to like to please my readership. (Thank you all four of you.) The answers to the questions/requests posed.

Laulau: What do you mean about the grass? As for more clues, the bad guy in Movie M also played a part in 2 M. Night Shyamalan movies. Both characters, incidentally, were hard for me to enjoy on screen in those movies because of his performance in Movie M.

Morgan: I worry about me too sometimes. Luckily... so does my Father--in his hands is my path. For the guessing... see Laulau's comment.

Theric: The code (my code?) was actually conceptualized as a way for me to do what Elder Maxwell always recommended: "try to place each step, where he would have tred." As for the movie, see my response to Laulau.

The Svithe!

It is interesting how when you actually try and do what you should, doors open. I know that I'm not ready to go back to school... this is something that I can accept these days. Because I cannot go to school, I cannot work at the place where I previously had. So... I've been forced to find a new position, tonight as I was entertaining Rockflower's request to eat with her and Cpt. Jax's family... I was offered a informally offered a position with Cpt. Jax at his place of business. It is an idea I would love to take up. Cpt. Jax is an old friend of mine who I sadly haven't spent much time with since the two of them were married almost a year ago. (I'm still very sorry that I missed the wedding... I don't deal well with things like commitment... even other people's.)

Anyway, I guess... what I'm saying is this: Sometimes, the resonance comes when you least expect it.

As I re-read that post... I'm struck by how similar the issues presenting me then are with the ones presenting me today. I would despair that I might never recover except something a wise neighbor told me the other day... Which will be the REAL svithe I think.

We are all sent here to learn something from life. And we can't expect ourselves to learn that life lesson easily, or quickly. If it were easy... it wouldn't be the reason we were sent here.

My lesson? To discover how to love, others, deity, and most of all... myself.

-(The man behind the facade)

Giving your Life for Something...

2007-04-04T02:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I sinned.

I watched a rated-R movie unedited. I'm not ashamed of it, in fact... something that it proposed has become/will become the subject of this post. And so, without further ado, the post:

In the very last lines of Movie X(No, lets not call it movie X, x gets too much face time as a random variable, lets call it... *Movie M.) In the very last lines of Movie M, *Semi-love says, "Is *Idea worth one good man's life? He believed it to be so." Now, tragically in Movie M, *Hero did in fact give his life for Idea. But, I got to thinking (now, now, don't get mad at me for thinking, it's what I'm best at) Hero didn't in fact give his life for Idea, he died for Idea, there is a difference. (Which is of course, simply commenting on the actual reference in Movie M, not to the fact that he also lived for Idea prior to this event.)

What is the difference you ask? Well, to give your life means you must... live. To give your death means to make yourself a martyr for a cause. Now here come some rhetorical questions: Which is greater? Can you do the latter without first doing the former? Why is it of such great worth to do either?

Now for some answers (Yes, sometimes rhetorical questions have answers... I just don't want YOU to answer them--yet.) Neither is greater, but are of equal value. Yes(but not really). Because the only thing we have to give in all of existence to God. Is our agency, what we do with that freedom of choice... that is completely and utterly up to us.

This concept terrifies me. My life has not been a life worthy of a movie, nor has it been lived for an idea. My life has been lived for myself. It is a selfish life a life which, like so many times before, I will endeavor to change. So... I have been thinking what exactly out there is there for me to give my life to? Politics--I don't have the temperament or history. Knowledge/wisdom--knowledge/wisdom without application is useless. Action--again, action without knowledge/wisdom... useless. No, there must be an overarching concept, an idea comparable to Hero's Idea, to which I may devote my life and gain such pleasure and glory as to be carried by my fellow men upon their shields at my $death.

What is this concept? The easy answer: God. So many men have lived and died to God however, some good... and we won't(isn't won't a funny word? It's a contraction of will not...that's weird.) speak of the others. How do you live up to that? No, I have a much simpler... and perhaps more complex idea at hand. I propose to live my life in devotion to an idea. That man kind is in need of Brother's Keepers. From hence forth let me think no more of myself, but that in doing so I may better others. Starting now, the many shall be my focus, the individual my concern, the betterment of Earth my priority. Beginning today I will forget myself and get to work.

*As a game, I'm going to give everyone(as in... the three people who actually read this) an opportunity to guess at the actual names/theories behind the faux names given. Reply via private channels so as not to ruin the game for everyone else.

Movie M = ?
Semi-Love = ?
Idea = ?
Hero = ?

$ The act of carrying a man on shields is common in several cultures, the Nordic being the one that comes to mind. But, in essence it was given to warriors who died in battle, and had done one of the the following A. died in such a way as to bring great honor to them, or B. lived in such a way as to bring great honor to them.

Rock Bottom

2007-04-02T03:49:00.000-07:00

The time has come for a good talking to…

Yesterday, my neighbors decided to have an intervention for me. You see, about a month ago I quit a game called World of Warcraft because I felt as though it was consuming too much of my time. Little did I know, that the frequency with which I played had more in relation to an inner turmoil than any actual addiction. Everything came unraveled the week before my parents moved.

I can’t say that I’ve ever been very close to my family in any sense but the basest, proximity. But… lately I’ve been feeling a need which I have been unable to meet. In my distress I have turned to a new source, my family, and found some strength there. But it seems fate conspires against me in this. Two weeks ago my parents moved to Georgia.

Now, I said that everything came unraveled and I really do mean everything. I stopped even pretending I was in school, stopped going to work, ceased contact with friends, and severed connections with the heavens, I even grew a beard. I’ve taken some small steps towards recovery, but the road is distant. I’ve hit the rock at the bottom, and I think it finally knocked some sense into me.

I’m not really sure how to explain all of this, my sleep cycles are all messed up, I have trouble staying asleep, getting to sleep, and waking up. The inner core of me has run empty. I am left with a husk, But I’m going to try and breath life into it. And if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pray.

Check Mate

2007-03-30T03:00:00.000-07:00

The game is over. It has been for a while... but I've decided to stop playing.

Pride and Prejudice

2007-02-26T16:16:00.000-07:00

Having finished the book, I will now attempt to reveal my thoughts after my 7 hour perusal.

My manner of reading:

A short disclaimer, for the book was engaging...I read the first half of it from a website on my computer and the influence of my eyes caused it to be a slightly painful instance, which was my improved by the borrowing of said book from Lyndsay Hampton, of which I am most appreciative. Thus the first half of the book was read yesterday while the latter half was digested this morn, ending at approximately ten past three this Monday afternoon.

The Style

M(r)s Austin's writing style is engaging, relying to a great extent upon the reader's imagination to form physical description of the characters and places. The bulk of the book is related in dialog between characters or as monologues and written missives. As such very little action is needed and the whole reads most remarkably like a script from which the imagination is to provide the missing aspects of imagery and action.

It is a style that I find pleasing and while she is wordy, she does not leave the dreadful distaste for the canvas that sometimes comes after 6 pages of describing a couch that comes with some other authors of the age--coughHemingwaycough--

and is a delightful respite. Not only that but in that most of the message is communicated via the means of conversation it reads easily and does not require any reviewing of material to feel that the message is 'got.'

The Characters

The true treasure of the book lies in it's wonderfully robust characters. In that the book is divided principally into couples, I find the characters easy to describe in the same manner.

Mr/Mrs Bennett: Far and away some of the more entertaining characters in the book, each brings a savor and freshness that is quite incalculable in regards to the success of the book. From the absurdness of the mother to the...humor of the father. They quickly became some of my favorite characters and stayed there for the duration of it's pages.

Mr/Mrs Bingley: One of the more boring couples, which annoyingly had prominence in the plot. Each are more or less devoid of actual character and are instead portrayed as completed products from the beginning. Of particular interest to me is that while displaying Mrs Bingley as beautiful, no actual description was ever given, allowing for the reader to create for themselves the ideal of beauty.

Mr/Mrs Collins: Perhaps one of the few messages not central to Lizzy appears here as Charlotte putting aside her own personal aspirations accepts the...incalculably awkward Mr Collins to wed. Allowing for a growth in Lizzy as she comes to the realization that there is importance in marrying one of influence. An idea not commonly accepted as pure in our day and age of "love matching" but which finds merit in M(r)s Austin's works. I ponder upon the application that would happen if our society were to return a little more closely to status affecting our choices in life...And think that little of value would be lost if we were to return to the state of familial piety and honor that is enjoyed during that time in that place.

Mr/Mrs Wickham: An opposite for the next couple in all respects, and to me, they seem to have been thrown in simply to advertise the healthiness of the Darcy marriage. And nothing can so recommend them more than Mr Bennett's opinnion stated late in the volume: "I shall like all of my new sons-in-law, but Mr. Wickham the most."

Mr/Mrs Darcy: The main attraction of the book. Mr Darcy is far and away one of the best characters I've read of in literature. His general worthiness in all aspects of his life are such as to make him, aside from Jean val Jean, a man most worth of emulation. In all that he does he attempts to do the honorable, and just. Making every choice seemingly correctly. He does not experience much actual growth, except what would appear to be a general warming of his heart towards the end of the book, as seems appropriate for a man who has finally found joy and love in another. Elizabeth on the other hand...I have to admit I was unimpressed with our heroine, and for the most part found her unworthy in most respects for the admiration of Mr Darcy. Her virtues so less pointed out that in the end, she asks Mr Darcy why he began to love her, to which she herself responds that it was only because she had the gall to challenge him. Which is well enough I suppose as she had a lively mind and goodly wit, and was by no means physically repulsive. Which is apparently all one needs find in a woman--however much more is expected in a man. At least that is what it appears to me, now, by no means am I implying that I dislike the couple, merely that it seems to me Elizabeth grew more in the process of reading and still has much more left to grow. Which might be occasioned by her very youth.

Lady de Brough, Lydia, Miss Darcy, Miss Bingley, etc: Most of the other characters are there for the plot's convenience. And require no exceptional mention, but to say that they fulfill their roles remarkably well.

I do believe that my review should soon be concluded, but I shall now give my overall impression, that the book was worthy of the praise it has gotten, if, for the sake of Mr. Darcy alone regardless of it's many other charms.

Jane Austin

2007-02-25T01:42:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me...know that I HATE Jane Austin. Well...I got to thinking about it today while watching Emma and...well, the thought came to mind that I might just hate Jane Austin because I read her when I was very young and--embarrassingly--didn'

t get her. So...I've decided to give her another go. Why am I writing this? I want some suggestions as to which I should read.

So...please, tell me what you think, and why?

Sense and Sensibility
Pride and Prejudice
Emma
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey

That's the list, I want to read one of her books, not a short...so...

Jealous

2007-02-23T01:06:00.001-07:00

It comes quickly, from out of no where. It strikes without remorse into the most protected and precious parts of you. Worming through your body insidiously until it has eaten everything good and precious.

This thing called Jealousy, a horse that refuses to be tamed. It comes around women, in the work place, around good friends. It comes when we should be happy for others, when they accomplish something of importance.

You know, I don't really want to talk about abstracts right now, so instead I'll explain why I am feeling jealous. Please note, that this is not a solitary experience, this is a law of nature that applies to me and my relations with the opposite sex. There is a girl, that I met and thought, "Hey, I'd like to get to know her better." Said girl met me, but also some of my friends. Later, from a source we discover that she likes one of the people in that group of men she met. It has NEVER been me.

I'm really trying to discover my character flaw here, what is it about me is so lacking that others seem to have in such...abundance? I don't think I'm outrageously ugly, I have at least some sense of hygiene, I know the difference between there, they're and their and can use these words correctly. So what is it? Why am I always second or higher/lower(depending on how you look at it) on the scale?

If it happened once...or twice, that I could understand. But as I said before this seems to be a recurring theme. Last night, we watched Singing in the Rain. I felt like I was Donald O'conner. There, funny, extremely talented...but I don't get any of the girls, and really...I'm just there for comic relief and plot advancement. I really don't know why this bothers me so... and you know...at this point in my life I have a girl I'd like to date...and things are progressing...so it isn't even really so much an issue since I'm not REALLY interested in these girls anyway...and neither are my friends usually. I guess...I just don't feel special--and that's a hard thing to deal with.

Sacrifices

2007-02-20T00:51:00.000-07:00

How do you measure the value of a choice?

If I choose to shave, regardless of my ability to do so...does that make the action inherently more valuable? Does the fact that it will cost me more mean anything to anyone else? I've been told on several occasions that when I compliment someone it means more than if other people compliment...mostly because I so rarely compliment, and thus...the rarity of the act causes it to gain value.

There are things in my life that I know that I need to do, I don't want to do them however because they push me outside of my comfort zone, they require that I stretch and become something other than what I currently am. I am currently making steps in that direction...but progress is slow and unwieldy.

This...entry is all over the place and for that I apologize, it's strange how a choice someone else makes can affect your life in such a profound way. Hitler decides to take over Poland, and the lives of billions are changed forever. They had no say in this choice, they were sucked, irrevocably into the whirlwind of chaos that was the inevitable outcome. As such, my parents have similarly made a choice of magnitude for me. I have blocked feelings for so long that I'm not really sure what this feeling is...it becomes hard to recognize what they mean anymore. Is this fear? This churning of the stomach, the burning pith of a comment just out of reach to my tongue--is this how 'normal' people feel about the everyday foibles?

There is a core to all things, there is a core to this, these feelings of inadequacy and doubt. It's strange to think I actually believe myself inferior, I've maintained my ivory tower elitism for so long. But I don't think I can make it alone anymore, and the fear that the only people who ever really cared will now be hundreds of miles away...it scares me. Where can I turn for peace? Am I willing to accept that offering? God have mercy on my soul, give me strength I pray.

Musings

2007-02-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

I'm in a melancholic mood, so forgive me if this isn't up to snuff, this is written for you, but it isn't written to you. Yeah, I know, I'm strange.

For those of you who don't know, I am afflicted with an illness which makes me feel as though I should not have any kind of intimate relations. I use the word intimate is a very loose sense to mean any sort of romantic relationship. I feel that to do so would be making a commitment that my body is not prepared to keep. lately, I've been seeing a specialist for some of the more...interesting side effects of my illness.

The most difficult part about this whole thing...is that if you get into the habit of telling yourself that you can't have a relationship yet, that you need to wait, to see if things clear up, to see if you're at a point when you can make that commitment. Well, after a while you get so used to shunting emotions to the side that you stop realizing that you're doing it.

I'm afraid that there are very few indeed who are in on the inner workings of my mind enough to understand the esoteric nature of this post...and my apologies for those of you who are new here. Lately, I haven't written much, but I often times write so that I can express those...emotions that I so rarely put to the light of day. There is something cathartic about writing a missive that no one else reads...except that I have every intention of letting everyone read this. I'm not a very private person in a lot of ways, it's a defense mechanism. I let you see so much, in the hopes that the gardens will be so expansive that you will never guess or wonder at what the house contains. And so I walk the house alone, waiting for someone to care enough to walk past the gardens. And at the same time fighting tooth and nail to keep you there.

It's a strange dichotomy, I don't know how to share those parts of me anymore, the parts of me that are most precious. Know that in there, deep inside, the thorns of the garden are gone and I love you. I love you whole heartedly, for all the good that I see in you, for the pains that you hide, for the joys I sense surging through you. I wish I could help you...but I'm too afraid to leave the house.

-Cam

A few posts

2006-12-04T14:28:00.000-07:00

The below are a few posts that I've written elsewhere and decided to import here... See, I'm not a slacker...

The reason for the Season (Part 1)

2006-12-04T14:27:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to write this post for some time now. I'm not really sure what this is supposed to say...so bear with me.

Thanksgiving, I feel that this should be one of the least anticipated holidays of the year. Because I feel as though it should be a spirit that we cultivate throughout the year. However, I feel as though I don't cultivate that spirit enough, and so I've taken these last few weeks to contemplate all of the many things of which I am grateful. My mom, sisters and others have told me that I am...Scrooge-like in that I have refused to give out a Christmas list, or have complained when others have put up Christmas decorations. My reasons have been simple, I wanted to focus on my thankfulness before I felt ready to focus on my Saviour.

Essentially this is going to be one of those: I'm grateful for... messages, so don't feel obligated to read further...this one's for me.

I'm thankful for:

My mother, who is becoming more and more the dream I've always wanted. My Father, for his example, his testimony and his hard work. My siblings, for all the things we share. To my friends collectively, for the support, examples and love they give me. For Jason, the person I turn to when life seems too hard to handle. To Chris, for some comic relief, and a constant reminder of yet another set of things I should be doing. For Ryan's goodness in everyway, and the dedication he gives to his goals. To Morgan, for the insight, and the fun. To Kit, for being the strongest man I know. To Sam, for his pure heart and gentle ways. To John, for the level headed support and guidance. To Tom, for being a rock amidst the hurricane. To Spencer, for his faith in me and in Deity. To Jed, for the compassion and charity he so freely gives. To Jeff, for his passion. To Josh, for his smile, and his care for many. To the other Jason, for the example of perseverance and love. To Jeremy, for the hope, and the conversation. To Jacob for his BFG ways. To all of the men just listed: For helping me see beyond the moment.

To others: Em, for reminding me of paths untaken. To BAWB, for his calmness. To all of my poke friends, for helping me feel wanted. To All of my IM buddies, for keeping me occupied through the day. To Pam B. for hope, and for a reason to wake up.

And most of all, to my father and his first born Son. For hope, for love, for understanding, for an example, for all the time they've taken, for faith and for reassurance. I love you all, but them most.